In a Dilemma

[Ilsa]

Hello everyone,

As some of you may know from my previous post a long time ago I am in a situation regarding the care of my aging father. He is fast approaching his 90th birthday and is living in an assisted living facility since suffering a stroke nearly 6 years ago where he continues his daily routine of catheterizing and emptying/changing his colostomy bag and other mundane task, like trying to sleep or even walk. Fortunately he is able to do some of this himself because he still has his mental faculties and is able to have intelligent conversations with me when I visit him frequently. That is until last night where for some reason he begins to lambast Caitlyn Jenner calling (him/her) a freak, crazy and disgusting, unaware of who I really am. Seeking a response from me the only thing I could say was that we were all conceived as female in our mother's womb.

The dilemma is that he and I are dependent upon each other. He depends on me for driving him to his many appointments, buying his many supplies and delivering his mail. I left my job to take care of him and give him moral support through the tough times and perform many of the physical task he's not able to perform by himself and I depend on him financially.

So last night I almost came out and told him who I really was, but restrained myself knowing that it would end our dependency on each other and that it might lead to something worse for both him and I. I was so enraged with his conservative position I nearly lost it though I did rant about his nitpicking.

Let me make it clear that I don't hate my father, because he has been good to me over the years and I would like to care for him the best I can in his remaining time on earth, but some times it is just so hard to maintain my composure with him considering who he is and who I really am.

Thanks for your time and patience with me and hope to converse with you in better times.

As always,

Ilsa

[Krisi]

Your father is far from alone in his views. He is not a nut case.

I think you should respect his right to believe whatever he believes. In fact, you owe it to him. He conceived and raised you.

You need to understand that many people believe differently from you and that's their right. Let him speak his peace, then change the subject. Getting mad at him and telling him his son is a crossdresser is not going to solve anything, it will just make matters worse.

His time on earth is coming to a close as is your time with him. Think about it.

[Amy Lynn3]

Krisi made some very valid points and I might add this. If Dad starts his rant again, just tell him everyone has an opinion and a right to do as they wish. To argue with him will only upset both of you. Both of you have very much to loose, especially one another. As a Marine says...that is not a hill you would want to die on. Pick your battle ground carefully and the Bruce Jenner issue is not one I would pick to die on.

Blessings to you and your Dad. Just remember....the caregiver always suffers the most, but the rewards are greater. Just knowing you did your best by him is one blessing and you can be proud of that.:love:

[Kate Simmons]

I can only say enjoy being with your Father while he is still here. Once he passes there will be plenty of time for other things. I wish you both well.:)

[Ilsa]

Krisi,

Thanks for your response however, I'm confused? Are you implying that I thought my father was a nut case or were you referring to Ms. Jenner?

[trishacd]

I here that stuff from friends,let it roll off.
Hes old school and he is your father. What are you going to accomplish besides shakeing him up.My wife was sure i would transition after the bruce jenner interview. Everyone is entitled to there opinion.

[Tracii G]

I know things are tough right now but there would be no good results from telling him about you.
I lost my Mom when I was 19 and my Dad at 26 and I would give just about anything to have them back and be their caregiver.

[heatherdress]

Ilsa - You have to always remember your father's age and medical condition. He is fortunate to reach 90 years of age but you will not have him forever. You want to maintain the best relationship possible and accept his reactions, which by the way, are not unusual. I am sure he looks at Bruce Jenner as one of the most famous athletes he rooted for years ago and cannot understand Caitlyn Jenner. He is facing his own aging and dependency on others to do simple things in his life. Accept his reactions and don't let it affect your feelings about him. Make the most of the time you have together and realize he is not rejecting you.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Not only might you end the mutual dependency, you might very well end your prospects of inheritance. I speak from experience.

[Katey888]

Ilsa - first of all my thoughts and feelings are with you as I understand a little of how big a struggle just the caring side must be for you... :hugs:

I'm afraid when folk get very much older their rantings can become a little incoherent and unexpected, in my experience - can I say well done for keeping your composure and not rising to the bait (although I doubt it was intentional on his part).

All of your postings here have shown honesty and openness about how you feel your TG side has developed and I think you probably would like to continue that openness with your father - however, I say again, you have shown great restraint and compassion in NOT just blurting out your innermost secret because of a perceived snipe... Of course you felt that way - perhaps most of us would too - but take a deep breath and hopefully things will go back to normal for you (or at least, as normal as they can get... :))

Katey x

[NicoleScott]

It seems to me that mutual dependency is not the dilemma as you said, it's merely the current situation. The dilemma is not being true to yourself by not challenging his views, which you are unlikely to change anyway. What's to gain that's in his best interest by confrontation? Think it through and have no regrets.

[flatlander_48]

I:

My dad was 90 as of last September, so I understand the vintage. Coming of age during The Depression and World War II creates a very different mindset. Anything that appeared to be outside of the binary view of sexuality was suspect, and while we know that sexuality and gender identity are two different things, they do not. Basically if you are going to come out to your father, you have to begin at the beginning. Just saying that you crossdress or you are transgender are likely to equate to him to things that you didn't intend.

I am well acquainted with your situation as I had many of the same thoughts back in October when I appeared as DeeAnn in front of ~130 and came out to another 80+ via explanation and photos. I thought about having the conversation with my dad, but I quickly realized that there was a high probability of it ending badly or at least there would be this perpetual cloud hanging over any subsequent conversation. As he lives 6+ hours away, there isn't much chance of him hearing about me. So, my decision was to just leave it alone.

One of the things to be learned from the LGB part of the community is that coming out is a continual process. You have to evaluate each situation on its own merits. There's no One Size Fits All. Being a former Ohioan, I remember Woody Hayes used to say "Three things can happen when you make a forward pass and two of them are bad.". Similarly, when you come out three things can happen and two of them are less than good. In other words, it can be great, not so great or downright bad. That's why we need to think carefully about what we're going to do or not do.

In no way is this intended to discourage anyone from coming out. All it means is that we should consciously consider what can happen so that we present the message in the best way and that it can be heard.

DeeAnn

[docrobbysherry]

Ilsa, my mom passed at age 100 2 years ago. I had thots of telling her about Sherry for years before she passed.

But, I didn't. Because I realized while I mite feel relieved to tell her, it wouldn't benefit her. Only confuse and possibly upset her.

Now that she's passed? I'm very glad I didn't burden her with the useless knowledge that I am a crosdresser. I have a policy of not telling family and friends who don't need to know. And, she didn't need to know.

If I was TS and planned to come out, that would be completely different. But, I will never do that.

[SherriePall]

Agreeing with Katey888, as some people grow older, they more easily vocalize their thoughts, sometimes before thinking things through or realizing the consequences. Many times saying something they would not have years before.

[Bruce64]

The rewards for caring for a Parent is greater than greatness itself, I hope you can bear the burden.

[CD_DIANE]

Hi Ilsa,

In my opinion, you gain nothing with a disclosure or confrontation over the issue. Just treasure someone who has managed to make it to almost 90 ! He has many issues, but keeps on going. If he doesn't agree with your way of thinking, he has that right !

Hugs,
Diane

[Sarah Doepner]

I'd let it pass unless it becomes a regular part of the conversation. There is plenty in the world to talk about and it might be a better choice to try and get him talking about his life as a young man or about your early years. I've played the role of caregiver in the past and there is no need to complicate the process with a loved one if you can find ways to make those times you spend in each others company something to remember with a smile.

[Alice Torn]

Ilsa, I wrote a thread about similar situation. "Must watch myself around my only family members." I had to quit my job and business, and life, in the Seattle area, in 2010, and move 2000 miles, to help with my then 89 yo dad, after my older brothers were arrested and jailed. My dad is 95 this February, in a wheel chair, but still at home, and thinks pretty good yet. One brother is out and back now. My sister here, too They put down gays and TG sometimes. I dare not let it be known to them, that i dress up! But, sometimes, i do speak up, and say something about how we all have something we struggle with in life. I am going to keep my dressing a secret from them as much as in my power to, though. I could sure relate to a lot of your situation. I have been very bitter in past threads about having to be with my family of origin, because they are quite difficult people, but slowly, i have realized in spite of the emotional pain, it has been good for me in some ways, and maybe the right thing to do.

[Helen_Highwater]

Ilsa,

There is no dilemma here. Nothing would be served by your coming out to your father. It's a generational thing and as the saying goes, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks". I have friends who are not far short of your father's age and I've given up telling them that the correct term is "Black" and not "Coloured". It's what they grew up with. It's the result of years of social conditioning.

I see nothing to be gained by your confession. Help your father see out his later years as best as he with you there to support him. Having a falling out could be something you come to deeply regret once he's gone.

[Catriona]

Ilsa, Amanda and I have spent a long time caring for my terminally ill father, and later for my mother in a similar situation. Sometimes it was almost too hard, but we kept with it until the end. However we could we have lived with ourselves if we had not? So, may I say, stick in there. There are worse things than incontinence, dementia or the stink of a colostomy bag. These are NOTHING compared to what they gave us. It IS hard, but in the end, you can say I WAS THERE!

As for coming out. What would that bring that poor old man? If nothing, then please don't. Contain your pain. Show your love, and just let him have his last few weeks in comfort.

Only IMHO!

[Sissy_Michelle]

Ilsa,

Who was it that took care of you when you were an infant? Wiped your butt, bathed you and even dressed you? There comes a time in everyone's life when we must return the favor.

You mentioned that he is 90 years old. Was he a sports type of person? Did he follow the Olympics? Did he spend all of his time here in the USA? There was a time when the Olympics was followed more closely. We cheered for our athletes when they were abroad representing the US of A. I know I did when I was young. And still do. As a former athlete I looked up to those fortunate enough to go to the Olympics. Who made the cut, earned the right to compete on an Olympic level. When I heard that my childhood hero had decided to come out and change his sex. I was confused, upset, envious, and mad. Then I realized I was being selfish, I should be happy for her. Slowly I began to accept it, after reading many posts and forums, digesting the hate and admiration from all sides then I realized that I am happy for her. If she is happy then who am I to "judge" her? What I am trying to say is your dad is from a different generation and mind set, than what we experience now. A lot of what we accept today wouldn't have been back when he was our age. Doesn't seem so long ago does it? Did we have the Internet? Did we have mobile phones? How has the reporting of the news changed since then? Maybe you should either cut your dad some slack or come clean with him. I do wish you luck with your dad. I had just gone through something very similar with a friend of mine where his family hasn't spoken to him since he returned from Vietnam. I basically was his care giver as he fought his final days with cancer... And I am not family. Just another veteran helping out a friend and fellow veteran....

I have spent my life in a mostly military environment, even now retired, I work for a company that is hired by my former employer. Could I come out at work? Yes, nothing they can do about it. Would I ? No. Each person is different and has their own reasons. Embarrassment , separation , divorce , loss of job , or benefits , loss of family , and a thousand more...

Spend time with your dad. Be thankful that you have this time. No it will not be easy. But at least you have this time with him. After my friend passed away, his family reached out to me, asking how he was doing... I gave them his plot marker number and hung up.

Good day and good luck
Michelle

[OCCarly]

My father had a stroke six years ago at the age of 74. Since then he lives in a facility. Mom still lives in my childhood home with my brother. Her arthritis is so bad she can no longer get around without assistance, and her mind is slowly going. Although I want very badly to transition, and will figure out a way to do it eventually, I have no intention of coming out to them. Rather than being outright hostile to LGBT's, they have always taken more of an "ooh, you better stay away from that" attitude, as if being gay or trans were contagious or a disease. Dad has always been a get inside your head and use fear, shame and guilt to mess with you kind of a guy, and if I were to come out to them, Mom probably would not understand, and since Dad can no longer speak without a talk valve on his trach tube, I don't know what he would say. But I don't think it would be good.

So I have no intention of coming out to them. It would just be kind of pointless. My wife and I are the only ones who still visit Dad (he never had any social friends, and his siblings made one visit, years ago, and went back to their own lives). So I am going to let him have his illusions about having successfully "managed" my life, and just continue "butching up" for visits with Mom and Dad.

[Allisa]

As the care giver for my mother(now 93) before she went to long term assisted living for her demensia, I had to endure so much opposing views to mine that I thought I'd explode. At one time I thought about telling her about my CDing and my duality but opted not to, even though she would not remember within a very short time. Yes my career suffered and I had no personal life so to speak and it built up to a point that telling her would make me feel better but I guess my femme self for nurturing took over and her well being was more important. I wish you luck in your unending love for your father and his well being. For soon enough they will be no longer with us.

[char GG]

Your father is almost 90. There is no reason to tell him anything that may cause him stress at that age. I don't see where there would be a benefit to you or him.

If you feel some kind of need to tell someone about you, it may be better to find another family member or a friend to disclose your situation to.

[Meghan4now]

Ilsa,

My heart and prayers go out to you and your father. I don't see a dilema, just some pain. You know the right thing to do, and you did it. I know it's difficult, and you are welcome to comisserate here. There is a blessing in honoring your parents, especially in old age.

[TaraGrace]

hi Ilsa,

I'll not repeat most of what others have said, as I too agree with most.

But if it's finding some brakes you are looking for to restrain yourself from dropping a bomb, I always find that a relaxed attitute to anything wrong works best, especially dressed up with a bit of crazy.. it gives you the option to voice your opinion and always be able to twist it around if unintentionally it threw too much oil on the fire instead of water.

I'd probably go with "well.. you know dad, there's hords of people jumping of their bedroom clossets in batman suits too these days.. not my taste, I'd definately go for a superman outfit.. smile.. but who am I to judge what's crazy" ..possibly followed with a "but you're right.. even in a superman outfit I wouldn't go on TV and tell the world".

I know my dad would probably not see the humor, but mark it off as a crazy response and pick the next topic of complaints that I would agree on.. it's also a part of his routine, everything used to be better when our parents were young.. hero's wore white, villains wore black and no one wore pink you know.

If he didn't switch the topic by then, I'd simply move to one of the items I know he does love to moan about and nudge him in that direction..

Oh one last thing to add.. my girlfriend's father died a few months ago.. recently she asked me if I think she should have told her dad she like girls too. My answer was that I hope her dad still thought of her as his little girl, and the fact that we don't have kids as proof that she was still a virgin.. some things parents just don't want to know. Made her smile, hope it does the same for you.

Best of luck to you both

x Tara

[Judith96a]

Ilsa,
As others have said, I think that you need to think very carefully about what is really to be gained by coming out to your father. I suspect that you're not going to change his opinion.
A friend of mine made an interesting comment one day when we were chatting about the experience, and challenges, of caring for elderly parents who are suffering from dementia (in his case his mother, in mine my mother-in-law). He said "it's as if all the filers have been turned off". Through all the time that I've known him, his mother has had the reputation of being one of the kindest and sweetest ladies that you could hope to meet -diplomatic to a fault! But with the onset of dementia she is occasionally very abrupt and occasionally expresses opinions that, both by what she has said and the way she said it, could be very offensive!
Even if it's not (yet) full-blown dementia - old age can be a cruel thing. I suspect that you'll discover that the most expedient response on many occasions will be "yes, dad" followed by a swift change of subject!
Good luck and do try to be patient. I know that it's not easy.

[Jenny22]

Your father is far from alone in his views. He is not a nut case.

I think you should respect his right to believe whatever he believes. In fact, you owe it to him. He conceived and raised you.

You need to understand that many people believe differently from you and that's their right. Let him speak his peace, then change the subject. Getting mad at him and telling him his son is a crossdresser is not going to solve anything, it will just make matters worse.

His time on earth is coming to a close as is your time with him. Think about it.

Kristi, you are spot on !!

[alwayshave]

Ilsa, not to pile on, but your father grew up in a different time where priorities were determined by the depression and WWII. Let him live out the rest of hist life secure in his beliefs, his are different than yours. I know that my parents are different than mine, I keep my CDing to myself. It doesn't mean that your dad is right, it is just accepting who he is.

[Jenny22]

I'd let it pass unless it becomes a regular part of the conversation. There is plenty in the world to talk about and it might be a better choice to try and get him talking about his life as a young man or about your early years. I've played the role of caregiver in the past and there is no need to complicate the process with a loved one if you can find ways to make those times you spend in each others company something to remember with a smile.

The comment of Sarah Charles makes good sense .. change the subject. Suggestions .. ask him (her, if a mom) about the early years and record it. Then at some point, transfer same to CDs. If you have siblings, they may very much appreciate it. You are sure to get info that you never knew, and welcome it, trying to get more! We children truly know so very little about their early years and what that might mean to us today. Enjoy the old folks, for some day, sadly, they will be gone.

[Dana44]

I agree with what is said on this thread. I had to take care of dad first, he passed and then mom. She had deep dementia and there was no way I could tell either one. But they go fast and then you have no parents. So, I just took the best care of them until they were gone. It is nice that you are taking care of him. He will not be around or much longer and keep a stiff upper lip and aid him until he passes. Oh how I wish I could have communicated with them but it best not to as they would not understand anyways.

[LaurenS]

Blessings to you and your Dad. Just remember....the caregiver always suffers the most, but the rewards are greater. Just knowing you did your best by him is one blessing and you can be proud of that.:love:

This is true. Changed my life.

[Lori Kurtz]

It sounds like you still truly love your father, in spite of the understandable anger you feel toward him over this issue. The greatest gift you can give him now, I believe, is to continue to accept him and care for him and love him in spite of his beliefs--which aren't likely to change at this point no matter what you do. Enjoy being who you are, even though you know a part of who you are is, sad to say, something that you cannot share with him.

[Sarasometimes]

Char GG said it nicely. Unless you are virtually certain he will embrace you, which by his comments seems unlikely, there is no upside! I can just imagine the hurt you would feel if you tell him, get shunned and he soon then passes. Don't take his comments personally because remember he doesn't know how close the Jenner thing is to you.
My late father often told me "You can never unsay something!" You can try to clarify, or apologize...but once something is said it is out there. I think if he was still alive he may very well have taken the same view as your dad. But I also think neither of them would say that, if they knew it somewhat applied to their child too!! IMHO
The best to you and your dad and as others have said try to focus on enjoying the time you still have with him and the great times you have shared. Once they're gone that is what we have to remember.