Well...

[MissDanielle]

My apartment lease is going to be approved. I move in one month.

House to myself this weekend.

And gosh darn it, I can't get Zac Efron and those abs of his out of my head!

This is also one of those Why Me type of days in that it's all hitting me: my life as I knew it is over and I have to change my entire lifestyle because I'm female gendered, male attracted, and have a male body. My parents don't know that I am romantically interested in men. I tricked myself into thinking I was a straight guy but I knew the charade would have to end at some point.

One month and two days until the dr appointment. Just got to keep pushing fwd.

[grace7777]

Danielle,

Happy to hear that things are working out well for you right now.

Grace

[EllieMayxxx]

That is really good news, you've had a tough time and its great that things are falling into place

[JanePeterson]

Congrats girl... Remember, focus on the things that really matter! Your own place is a huge step!!

[hope springs]

Hang in there girl. Im impatient to get the ball rolling too. My first therapist appointment is the 27th and i wish i was already on HRT.
As for being attracted to dudes. Im leaning way more towards bi these days. The key is to be honest with yourself and fearless toward your detractors. Love yourself first and others will be attracted to that.

[Leah Lynn]

Those are two very important steps! Just remember, it's a journey, not a race. Make each step count, but sometimes we stumble or sidestep. Things happen.

It's more like "Your life as THEY knew it is over." I think we all have an inkling of what we truly are, but we so often suppress it. Now we live it. I'm happy for you, because you didn't suppress it as long as I did.

Hugs,

Leah

[MissDanielle]

Thanks all--it helps me feel better about myself. I'm having one of those WHY ME weekends.

There's a lot of lies that I need to figure out what's real and what isn't. I know I'm very attracted to guys and I'm a girl on the inside. After that, HELLO THERAPY!

[Robin777]

Danielle,

I'm glad things are starting to get better for you. Like I've said before, just hang in there. It will happen. At least you have the weekend to yourself. Enjoy! It won't be too much longer.

Robin

[MissDanielle]

Retail therapy followed by washing all my panties this evening! It was nice to really break in my new hot pink pajamas from Kohl's this weekend.

Having the house to myself is nice. LESS THAN A MONTH!

[PaulaQ]

HELLO THERAPY! I'm a girl on the inside. There's a lot of lies that I need to figure out what's real and what isn't. After that, I know I'm very attracted to guys.

Rearranged into an order that is probably more useful. Therapy will probably help you figure out the rest of the stuff. And there isn't a lot of point figuring out your sexual orientation unless it's just sledgehammer obvious - the idea of being with a guy repulses you, or alternatively, you are grossed out at the idea of being with another woman.

By the way, it's possible that the reason you are attracted to men, but tricked yourself into thinking you were a straight guy, is because you are bisexual. Of course it's also possible that you really are a straight girl - and the whole thing with women was just a mask to keep you safe. It can take some time to sort all that out. The thing to remember is that there is ENORMOUS pressure to be straight. You'll get this from cis people. You'll get this from the overwhelming exposure in media and society of straight relationships. You'll sometimes get it from other trans people, who won't consider you to be a "real trans woman" unless you are straight. I've even heard a couple of trans women I know who, best I can tell, really have NO interest in men, decide they were straight because "women are with men."

Figuring out your sexual orientation isn't a terribly important early priority. And that's a good thing, because it can take a minute to figure out that you are bi or ace. It's also worth noting that once you start HRT, you may well discover that you don't have any libido whatsoever for some period of time.

Extra bonus fun thing - if you are bisexual, expect to be the only bisexual on planet earth. Yep, you'd be the only one. Just ask nearly anyone! You'll also likely be offered idiotic advice like "everyone is bisexual!" (which really means no one is), or told that you are some percentage straight, and some percentage gay (wrong! you'd be 100% bisexual), or told that you can't be bisexual because you can only be with either a woman, or a man, and thus you must be either gay or straight (Oh yeah? Just watch me. And also your partner doesn't determine your sexual orientation - you do.) Oh, and to make it extra confusing, for some of us bi folks, our attraction to various genders varies over time. In fact this confused me a hell of a lot.

And I'm not trying to talk you out of being straight. There's nothing wrong with being straight. Some of my best friends are straight! I'm marrying a straight guy! We know straight people can't really help how they are - they are born that way. (Seriously - it's not a choice!) ;) However, I've observed two common patterns for straight trans women. Either:
a) They identified as gay men. You don't have to be a gold-star gay, which is an unfortunate concept, but a preference for men and lack of attraction towards women will probably have been solidly established pre-transition. Many of the straight trans women I know were drag queens pre-transition. (Actually some of them still do drag shows - although it really isn't much of an illusion after a few years of transition...)
b) They identified as straight men - but really, never managed to connect with women. (Having or not having a relationship doesn't determine your sexual orientation, but I know several women who tried to be straight pre-transition, but failed at it rather badly, never actually meeting a woman they were attracted to.)

I'm sure other situations are possible - just reporting what I've observed.

[JenniferZ2009]

Before I transitioned I only would be with guys if i was drunk. After transition for a few years I realized I am bi and gender is not an issue. I an poly as well i figired outand had a girlfriend and boyfriend at the same time. The trick is figuring or what makes you happy and doing it. Getting the apt sure will help. Jabbering that freedom does something to you that you don't get living with people. Congrats and good luck!!

[MissDanielle]

Not looking forward to changing clothes. I've accepted that I'm a straight girl with the wrong body. Don't know if my parents will ever come around and that's what's going to make this next month so hard on me. I can't change who I am.

EDIT: I already hate the feeling I have after going back to guy clothes. I LOVED seeing some size up top and now I have to go back to being flat chested when I should have decent sized breasts of my own. This sucks.

[Robin777]

Danielle.
Just say to yourself, it's less than a month, then take a deep breath and do it again. This is just one of life's challenges that you will have to face. Don't let it stress you out. You will get through it.

[MissDanielle]

Only the longest month of my life. Dr appointment in one month from today.

[becky77]

b) They identified as straight men - but really, never managed to connect with women. (Having or not having a relationship doesn't determine your sexual orientation, but I know several women who tried to be straight pre-transition, but failed at it rather badly, never actually meeting a woman they were attracted to.)


That's interesting, I did marry but I would say my relationship is/was based on personality and how the person makes me feel rather than attraction.
I have never particularly had sexual attraction to anyone male or female, I guess I'm almost A-sexual.
Being the masculine role in a relationship has never felt normal but I didn't know anything else, I didn't even think of men because I was so desperate to keep the straight Male facade going.
I can't say I'm now attracted to men, however it does feel more natural.

All I know is that sex with a man that wants me to have and use male parts feels wrong to me.
Nearly all relationships gay or straight have a masculine and feminine role, I don't know if the physicality matters as long as my partners energy is on the masculine scale.
If that makes any sense?

Miss Danielle, I do hope you pursue therapy as your primary goal for now, it worries me that the bulk of your posts concentrate on the more superficial aspects.
We only see a snapshot of what people are going through on here, Transition is life changing and usually the conversation is about feelings and Dysphoria rather than Panties, breasts and fabric. Typically those kind of words flagup warning bells on here, I only highlight it because I want you to pursue Transition for the right reasons.
Have you had any experience living as a woman? I highly recommend trying part-time before telling the world.

[MissDanielle]

Came to terms in November while still living in my parents' house. They are in serious denial about what's happening and seeing as how EVERY ONLINE ORDER gets returned to sender, it's kind of hard to have any RLE. I'm going part time as soon as I move. I can say that I was self-aware in 8th grade and have explored a lot of feelings through writing trans fiction. And I lived a normal life for as long as I possibly could before the charade came to an end.

It's not easy being religious and trans, let alone having a career plan that will very much have me in the public eye. I have some of the same thoughts I've had since high school--only this past year, the visibility was strong enough for me to start understanding why. I just wish I could really answer how, when, and why. It's the questions I can't answer that make me so angry.

I live in a backwoods state, even if it's a progressive city--coming out here just wasn't going to happen.

When I look in a mirror, I hate myself with seeing body and facial hair. Every time I put the bra pads in, I have a harder time taking them out so as to have my parents not throw a fit. It doesn't matter what I say, they won't have any of it.

I was looking online at feminine and masculine traits recently--I identify with more fem traits than anything.

As far as therapy goes, my current therapist is out of market and the one I will see regularly after moving is in market.

[Zooey]

MissDanielle - please be careful. It's easy to get caught up in what seems like a well-defined process, with a bunch of physical/externally visible steps to tick off. I worry that you're very much caught up in that, and that you may be in a bit of an obsessive fit with it all.

Sometimes slowing down for a second and taking a deep breath is really worth it. Your time with your parents is almost at an end. You know how they are. Why keep ordering things online? It gets you nothing except more anger and frustration, none of which is helpful to you.

[MissDanielle]

I stopped ordering online but I did have a nice weekend of retail therapy shopping in store. A friend is giving me some of her pre preg clothes so I'll be picking that up the weekend before I move.

In the meantime, I did email my therapist but a lot of my current issues at the moment are the religious aspect of things, which she wouldn't be able to answer. I am meeting with a rabbi after I move. Laser is booked. Dr appointment is set.

It's more the stress of just wanting next month to get here. I'm just so frustrated at having to continue to hide all the time. I'm still the same me at the core but I have so many other interests that I have to stay closeted about. Plus there is wanting to paint my nails and learn make up. Not to mention losing all the hair so that I can finally begin to be happy about some of the things I see in the mirror.

I'm going to buy an epilator the Sunday before moving so that it is shipped to the apartment.

Watching all my spending from here on out.

[Nicole Erin]

Once you can get on with your life, you won't even remember how long this one seems.
First it will be a month of having your own life, then a few, before you know it a year has passed and then one day it is 20 years.

Point is - don;t fret about this final month. It will soon be just a bad memory.

[becky77]

Hi Danielle

Thanks for the PM.
As it stands I'm struggling to relate to your story, I'm not sure what more I can add other than what Melissa (Zooey) said, slow down.
Get your place and take some time to explore your feelings. It does sound like you are in a bit of a frenzy currently.
I'm sure you know how you feel but from my perspective all I read is a concentration on aspects I didn't think where of high importance in my transition.

It doesn't mean your wrong, it means in my opinion based on your posts here it doesn't seem like you are ready, but what do I know!

[MissDanielle]

I spent well over the past year exploring my feelings by writing a book. It was in the 11th month of writing in which I decided to see a therapist...and then all the repressed memories started coming back.

I'm a lot more open with my (current) therapist than I am here. She's happy for me and that I have a good plan in place.

I'm slowing down as best as I can while controlling the GD (been depressed since taking things off on Sunday).

If I could go back in time, I would either be a girl from birth or not be trans. Religiously speaking, I don't know what my future holds and that scares me to death.