A small personal milestone

[PaulaQ]

I finished with my gender therapist back on the 8th of this month. For the first time in 3 years, I am seeing no psychotherapist of any sort. We ended my monthly sessions because we both felt I was no longer really working on anything with her, and, for want of a better term, I'm done. Really, I was done a while ago, but I decided to carry on my therapy for a time after GRS just to be sure I didn't suffer from any post operative depression.

I've really come a long way since I first logged in here.

And yet I'm still doing regular electrolysis. Will it ever end?!?

Once it does, though, and after the revision to my GRS, it's arguable that I am through with transition. Huh. I never thought I'd say that. I sent off for changing name / gender on the last two important documents (birth certificate and passport) a few days ago. I guess I could do my school records too, although I'm not sure that I'll ever bother with them.

It feels though, like I'm done for all intents and purposes.

[Starling]

Congratulations, Paula!

:) Lallie

[Megan G]

Congrats Paula!!

[pamela7]

wow, congratulations Paula, a shining example, you are.

[JenniferZ2009]

Congrats

[Claire Cook]

Congratulations Paula! After all you have been through, these are indeed milestones -- more steps on your journey.

[dreamer_2.0]

Congrats! That's wonderful to hear. :)

[Rachel Smith]

Congrats Paula. I remember well the day my therapist told me she didn't think I needed to see her anymore because all I did was tell her how happy I am now. I hope it was as freeing to you as it was to me.

[Bruce64]

Congratulation

[PretzelGirl]

I think being open to seeing a therapist post-op is a very good decision. I am glad you are doing well and I would certainly call that the end. Big smiles all around!

[MissDanielle]

Congrats!

[EllieMayxxx]

Congratulations Paula!

[Badtranny]

You've come a long way baby.

I guess we both have. "I used to think you were crazy but now I can see your nuts."

(the last thing you heard Dr Bowers say before you went under)

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Congratulations Paula, you have come a long way and is nice to know that you feel a sense of completion in some measure. It is a long and tough road (maze?) to navigate but good to know it winds up somewhere!

[Jennifer-GWN]

Paula; such a great post. Congratulations on this and the events to follow. Time to sit back, relax and be one with you. Well,deserved.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Cindy J Angel]

Way to go sis I'm trying to catch up love cindy

[flatlander_48]

PQ:

You know, sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is NOT another train...

DeeAnn

[Christina Kay]

:thumbsup::) Congratulations, sooo very happy for you
Hugs Christina :battingeyelashes:

[Leah Lynn]

Congratulations, Girl! Just a couple facets to polish up and it's done. A perfect gem for all the world to see and admire. I am envious.

All my best,

Leah

[Suzanne F]

Paula,
Congratulations ! I love that you have chosen to help other women on our path.
Suzanne

[becky77]

Well done Paula.

[kiwidownunder]

Hi PaulaQ
I have followed you from the start
What an amazing journey ,well done
You have lost and gained so much ,

Kiwi

[Eringirl]

Congrats Paula! You have worked really hard to get to where you are. Enjoy it. I hope all continues to go well for you.

[Marcelle]

Congrats Paula . . . glad to hear you are reaching closure :)

Cheers

Marcelle

[Bria]

Paula, I'm happy for you, I've remembered you in my prayers many times, and will continue to do so.

Hugs, Bria

[Kris Avery]

Paula,

You silly girl, why didn't you mention this fact when we hung out for 6 hours just two nights ago? :eek:

You could have got an extra Wendy hug...

Really, one of these times, you need to see me without hair - rather than the night before electrolysis.

[PaulaQ]

I guess we both have. "I used to think you were crazy but now I can see your nuts."


;) Yup, I'm at least 95% less crazy than I used to be. I'm still a bit of a mess, but given where I was three years ago, that's actually a pretty good place to be! Hey, I at least pass for normal pretty well now.

I appreciate everyone's support and kind words. This has been quite a trip so far. I feel like I've lived more life in the past three years than in the 50 years prior. Perhaps it's just that the life I live now simply FEELS more real.

[flatlander_48]

PQ:

I would also image that it is a bit of a renewal. You get to reconsider many, many things from a different, more appropriate, perspective. You don't need to try to compensate for the difference between the world that you had and the world that you wanted. That would seem to be a considerable simplification.

DeeAnn

[Bria]

Sometimes PASSING for normal is as good as it gets, at least for me!

Hugs, Bria

[Jennifer Hopkins]

Congratulations Paula. All the best wishes for your future and you are an inspiration to us girls.

[PaulaQ]

As I'm packing up my condo here in the gayborhood in Dallas, in preparation for my move to a loft Deep Ellum, it really feels like I've reached the end of a chapter in my life - my transition.

I have enjoyed living in the gayborhood, although I didn't get out of it what I'd naively thought I would when I moved here. I'd hoped this was the central gathering point for trans people in Dallas. But it isn't - there isn't such a thing here. I did learn a lot about the gay and lesbian communities though, and have made a lot of friends, which is not something I'd ever expected. I knew maybe four gay people who were out to me when I moved in here. I didn't really know anything about it when I got here. And while I really haven't ever felt like I fit in here exactly - I'm not gay, and as much as I like guys, the ones in this neighborhood weren't interested in me, for the most part - I really have enjoyed it here. It was cool to be down here on the day the marriage equality ruling came down. If I hadn't lived here, I doubt I'd have been in the press conference with Jim Obergefell, the plaintiff in that case. In probably the most accidental ways possible, I was present for a historic event, albeit my involvement was on the margins, and that's being generous!

Two and a half years ago I couldn't have imagined such a thing. Ten years ago, I'd have been opposed to it, much to my shame.

I've had the opportunity to meet a great many trans people. I've tried to help as many as I can.

I've learned a lot about myself over the past two and a half years. In a lot of ways, I think I've lived more life during my transition than in the 50 years preceding it. A good deal of what I've learned about myself has surprised me. I've rejected so many of the ideas, values, morals, and social conventions that I once lived by. Rejection isn't even a strong enough word. I've come to accept that so many of the things I used to believe in are lies.

I know we say that we're the same person after transition as before - we just look different.

But I'm not the same person, inside or out.

[pamela7]

here, here, Paula, so pleased.

[flatlander_48]

PQ:

Remember that the Human Experience is about Change. Often the difficulties that we have are due to resisting that Change when we shouldn't. For you, me and many other people here, 2015 was a banner year. December 31, 2015 found us in a very different place from December 31, 2014. Clearly the ride was often bumpy. Uncharted waters are like that as we don't quite know what to expect. But, the important part is that we made it through. We've completed that part of the Journey and now it is on to the next.

Every time we lean against those forces that would act to slow us and derail us, we gain strength for what comes next. And, even thought the pace may vary, it is imperative that we keep moving.

Someone once asked me if I wanted to Progress or see Progress. These days, I would say Yes to both...

DeeAnn

[Bria]

Paula, DeeAnn talked about change and I'm reminded of the saying that change is the constant. That said, I think that if we are not changing then we must be dead, and I'm glad that you have changed is such a good way over the last two and a half years, I have seen you change from an angry, depressed , negative person into a much happier, positive person. I worried about you for many a month.

Happy two and a half year day!

I hope the move goes well.

Hugs, Bria

[Badtranny]

But I'm not the same person, inside or out.

You know, I'm really glad I got to meet you because that along with watching you grow here on the forum has given me a completely different perspective on coming out.

It's no secret that I thought you were a bona-fide loon when you first blew into the TS forum. Your posts were hysterical and overly dramatic and there was no question that you needed help but I was pretty sure that IF you transitioned, it would be a disaster and on that point I was truly worried for you.

Well, after meeting you, I'm really happy to report that I was 100% wrong.

I think what you were experiencing was the snapping back of your id after years of stretching away from who you really are. It really was like a Tranny Grenade(tm) because when you pulled the pin your life literally blew up and everybody around you got blown back if not away. Then you emerged from the rubble a total mess but you were finally healing.

Years later you are a completely different person and I would imagine cannot fathom how you existed so long as the fraud that used to wear your shoes. Congratulations on winning that battle, and I wish you luck on the next one.

[Michelle789]

Congratulations Paula on your engagement, moving, and completing the transition chapter of your life. You truly have come a long way since I first met you and joined the forum.

@badtranny - I think the lesson learned here is to not judge someone by their first impressions. I know we all do, it's human nature. But we know that people do change from their first impressions, and a first impression (good or bad) doesn't always reflect what the person is truly made of. I'm sure a lot of stuff was going on in Paula's mind at that time and she was just being as honest as she could, going through the extremely difficult time she was going through. When we hit our emotional meltdowns from decades of untreated GD, things can look pretty damn looney. I know it did for me. Maybe I wasn't as expressive about how I felt on this forum, but the thoughts and feelings running through my mind in 2013, if anyone knew exactly what I was feeling and thinking word for word, I'd probably have been taken as a loon too. Maybe I just "passed" better for being "normal" at that time, or maybe I didn't, maybe I was read as a loon too. I don't know and it's not that important to me.

[PaulaQ]

It's no secret that I thought you were a bona-fide loon when you first blew into the TS forum. Your posts were hysterical and overly dramatic and there was no question that you needed help but I was pretty sure that IF you transitioned, it would be a disaster and on that point I was truly worried for you.

I'm glad we got to meet too. :) In a certain sense you were right. Three years ago, when I joined this place, I really was out of my mind because of GD. The things I felt were horrible. I wanted to die to stop the pain.

Writing stuff here was a catharsis for me - especially early on, when I had no other support. It also turns out that it gives a pretty good insight on the mindset of someone who's hit the wall of "transition, or die." Not all of us reach such a stage before transition, thank goodness. But its pretty scary for those of us who do. Particularly the bit about "something in my mind is trying to kill me, and I don't know what it is."

And yes, I wonder how I survived my teens feeling as I always have, much less to age 50. I'm really surprised I survived transition. I thought for sure I'd waited to long and GD would take me out before treatment would arrest it. I know I'd made sure that a subsequent suicide attempt would surely succeed. Oh I rationalized that in other ways, but deep down, I knew the reason I bought a pistol. If it got that bad again, I was done.

Fortunately it never came to that. At this point I expect to die of accident, illness, or old age - you know, the usual type of end all of us face.

I think whatever psychological mechanism explains what I experienced, it must be a fairly interesting one. Because there are parts of my personality that are simply gone now. I can feel them in my mind like one feels the absence of a tooth in their mouth. There is a sense of something missing, but nothing more. I have no explanation for this, nevertheless it simply seems to be the case. Some of them I miss. Others, like the ability to masturbate, are a real drag to lose... (Really hoping I find a way to get that one back!) I apologize for the TMI, but I think it's noteworthy. I am the only person I know who can be described fairly as hypersexual who does not ever masturbate. Most people who do not masturbate are ashamed of sex and sexuality. That's not me, I can assure you of that!

[kiwidownunder]

Hi PaulaQ
Your amazing journey mirrors my own in lots of ways, the suicide thoughts and attempts, the years of denial I could go on and on
GD for me was like trying to hold a group of horses back It was exhausting, they won (my transition has begun)
I have a supported wife but yet I know this could change at any moment ,it scares me not because I would lose her but she would lose me her protector her go to person her everything
This person means the world to me but yet I see the hurt in her eyes its just heart breaking
32 years and I'm putting this beautiful person through this
Sorry have to stop getting upset

Sorry this is about you not me
Anyway I think your amazing

Best wishes for the move

Kiwi

[Debb]

I am so pleased for you, and completely agree that the whole fantasy about "remaining the same" is just that -- a fantasy. I've told people in my life that very same thing, and I'm expecting to have to withdraw or modify that notion at some point .. but what the hey, girls can change their damn minds anytime they want to, right?

I thank you for posting everything you've posted. It's truly been an inspiration. From one 50-something to another: you go girl!

[Adelaide]

Congrats Paula. All the best for the future.