difference between truth and consequences

[JanePeterson]

Just a thought/insight I had today that I would like to submit to the counsel here :)

During my recent and somewhat violent self discovery, i have found that I am constantly focusing on the consequences. By consequences in this context, I am referring to the decisions and actions, either by myself or others, based on the revelation of new facts. Facts are fundamental truths that exist in and of themselves without regard for the opinions or desires of anyone.
Gender identity is a fact - there is a gender identity that belongs to everyone, and from what I understand, you can't change it.
The result of knowing that identity will trigger many decisions and events, some for you, some for your loved ones, some for complete strangers you meet on the street... but those reactions will never change the facts.

I have been flailing all over the place looking for answers that will keep from hurting my wife, keep me from losing my job, keep me from being ridiculed and humiliated... Each time I have brushed the TRUTH about who I am, the scenarios of doom that result have driven me back out again looking for a better answer.

The reality is, there is no better answer... there is only one truth, and you can't change it to protect yourself or anyone else.

I can lie (and fully intend on doing so), I can hide the truth from others in order to survive for a bit, or to keep from really hurting some folks, but in order for it to be a lie I have to know and accept to myself what it is I'm lying about.

The truth is I am a woman... I have always been one, and I can't run from it or change myself to fit the life I've created.

Serious consequences will surely shake out now- the impacts, the devastation of relationships and career and probably a 1000 things I haven't thought of yet... Whats that line from AA? Accept the things you cannot change? Thats what I'm going to do.

Funny, realizing all this has made me feel so much BETTER instead of worse -despite this answer meaning I'm in for a shitstorm - I'm feeling the first sense of relief since starting all this nonsense.

thanks everyone!!

Jane


edit: I seem to remember that the phrase truth or consequences may have some pop culture connection to the UK, or Dr. Who... or both! i hope i don't look like an idiot!

[pamela7]

so happy for you Jane,
Living with knowing feels easier to me than living without knowing.

xxx Pamela

[MissDanielle]

Happy for you!

I know what you mean about lying and hiding the truth. I still don't know what is going to happen when I tell my extended family.

[Badtranny]

You can't manage consequences because you never really know what's going to happen. Whenever we try, we are inevitably faced with the Law of Unintended Consequences which means we are screwed no matter what. In for a penny in for a pound and that's just the way it is.

I thought about quitting my job before I came out because I didn't think they would abide, but my dad of all people said "let them make up their own minds". Quite a brilliant thought actually. As it turned out, it took about a year for things to start going sideways at work and I'm glad I stayed even though there were some pretty awful times I might have avoided, ...maybe.

Transition is brutal. You need nerves of steel and guts to match but it won't play out like you think it will. It just doesn't work that way. You will be totally surprised by some of the support and totally blindsided by some of the hate. I wrote a long time ago that transition plans are best written in sand because they will change with the tide. Trying to predict what's going to happen and plan accordingly is a fools errand.

The only thing that makes transition "easier" is conviction and determination. If you are waffling, then you're in for a world of hurt. Make the decision and start pushing forward. No looking back, no second guessing.

[sarahcsc]

There are consequences to everything you do, or don't do.

The consequences of telling the truth might be harsh but one must always consider the consequences of living a lie as well.

[flatlander_48]

JP:

One point to remember about making decisions:

A current decision cannot change the past. Evaluate each decision on its own merits.


edit: I seem to remember that the phrase truth or consequences may have some pop culture connection to the UK, or Dr. Who... or both! i hope i don't look like an idiot!

Truth or Consequences was a TV quiz show that ran for many years. A small town in New Mexico is also named after the show.

DeeAnn

[Leah Lynn]

Melissa totally nailed it. It's like a play, where you are the only actor with a script; everyone else has to ad lib.

Leah

[JanePeterson]

Well, appointment made with endocrinologist next month... Therapist letter being drafted and the whole enchilada...

Not a huge leap, but my biggest step so far

Tired of psychotic bouts of anguish, tired of depression, tired of worrying about accidentally looking up into the mirror, tired of thinkin about being dead - decided waiting until I try to kill myself as proof that my GD is bad enough is a pretty stupid idea (what a strange notion... Where I've been at lately though, in retrospect part of that may come from not feeling trans enough after spending so much time here... May be time for a break)

Just need to hold this jalopy of a brain together for another 4 weeks, then hope like hell the hormones get my wheels turning in the right direction

Realized today that losing my male identity in my own mind has set me back baiscaly to being a "teenager" again... Hated it the first time... But in rereading some of my posts/contributions I'm surprised at how superfluous and infantile some of my thoughts and responses have been. Anywho, grownups quit whining and do stuff to help themselves, so that's what I'm going to do.

ladies, thanks for all the advice and support so far!! Applying first gentle tug on t-grenade pin in 3...2...1...

[Rianna Humble]

not feeling trans enough after spending so much time here...

If that is the effect that being on this forum gives you, may I suggest that you spend more time concentrating on what those who are in transition or have completed their transition write than you do on the nasty accusations from those who may never transition?

This is a support forum, but that support should not take the form of cheer-leading as someone leads the lemmings over the cliff.

[becky77]

not feeling trans enough after spending so much time here.
.

Only you know how you feel and there is no measuring stick. Doubting oneself is normal and being on here at times I know it made me second guess myself.
We have different personalities, different beliefs and different interests. Also possibly different levels of GD.
So experience and ideas will vary.
The support can sometimes sound harsh but that's usually meant in your best interest.

Take for example someone that has never spent any quality time experiencing life as a woman, then that person talks of Transitioning.
Is it well planned theory or fantasy? We don't know but the risk of getting it wrong is epic, no one wants to see someone have to detransition.

We've all been where you are now, I've learned a lot from this forum and also read a lot of rubbish too.

[JanePeterson]

I didn't mean to bash the forum... My only reason in saying that is if you have an issue, and they majority of the people you talk to about it also have that issue, it can be easy to loose perspective - groups of people with similar backgrounds will tend to act and think a certain way, and for me it's been difficult to discern what those instances are, probably also due to learning how to behave in an online community.

Example - I've heard many times here so far , and rightly so, that transition is a last ditch effort to prevent suicide, and is basically only slightly better than death etc... In my mind, I've taken that to mean I shouldn't make any moves until it's THAT bad... Not what was said, but as someone just figuring this out its how I ended up interpreting that advice... But looking at that from the perspective of my "normal" life, I don't think waiting until the crisis to start addressing the problem is a good idea either (one again, to be clear, I am not suggesting that anyone recommended this or would say it's what was meant by anything posted here... Simply how I ended up interpreting some of the advice)

By immersing too deeply in this particular community and media, I think it's too easy to loose that perspective- that's all I'm trying to get at.

[Marcelle]

Hi Jane,

Everyone's transition is different and IMHO dependent on various extraneous variables some of which you can control and others you cannot. I felt the same thing when I first migrated to this part of the forum but slowly realized after much reading that we all approach this from a different head spacing and timing at different junctures in our lives. For me, my life imploded after hiding in a very Alpha male existence for 30 years and I entered a dark period but even then I fought against the whole concept of being TS and placed myself squarely in the CD camp. It took two years of self discover and therapy for me to understand my level of GD and that I was a woman. But that is me and my story is different from yours and yours is different from others. The key thing is that we are all trying to find some semblance of happiness and acceptance.

So don't feel as though you have to keep a running checklist of what everyone else has done or will do, you just need to understand yourself, accept yourself and wherever you fall is where you fall. Will there be consequences? Most likely and I get the impression that we are in a similar line of work albeit different employers so I know the consequences you can face. As Melissa pointed out consequences can only be managed but if you are going to move forward, you will have to face them at some point. In my experience, some will be relatively painless and others will be gut wrenching.

Cheers

Marcelle

[kiwidownunder]

Marcelle you nailed it!!!


Kiwi

[JanePeterson]

Thank you!



we all approach this from a different head spacing and timing
Btw... I totally get this phrase I ran M2's for 2 years on my patrol boat!!!!!

[sarahcsc]

Example - I've heard many times here so far , and rightly so, that transition is a last ditch effort to prevent suicide, and is basically only slightly better than death etc... In my mind, I've taken that to mean I shouldn't make any moves until it's THAT bad... Not what was said, but as someone just figuring this out its how I ended up interpreting that advice... But looking at that from the perspective of my "normal" life, I don't think waiting until the crisis to start addressing the problem is a good idea either (one again, to be clear, I am not suggesting that anyone recommended this or would say it's what was meant by anything posted here... Simply how I ended up interpreting some of the advice)

Hi Jane,

You are not alone in thinking, that waiting till the last minute to transition, is a bad idea.

I too felt that it was silly not only because it sours the whole transitioning process, but it also leaves a bitter aftertaste even after the transition is complete.

There are a variety of practical reasons why somebody might choose to wait (ie. physical, social, financial), but it boils down to getting past the psychological barrier (ie. fear of rejection/unforeseen consequences) most of the time.

Its similiar to shooting a bear who is coming at you; some choose to shoot it at a safe distance to avoid having to deal with melee attacks, while others choose to pull the trigger when the bear is inches away to avoid missing. Both approaches have pros and cons.

I didn't think you were bashing the forum. And I understand that one may feel "not trans enough" after listening to so many "do-or-die" stories. The truth is, some people put themselves in a "do-or-die" situation because of poor decisions they made. I can imagine myself being in such dire state if I chose to wait another 30 years, but that is poor judgement on my part.

We should not measure our "degree of trans" by how dysphoric we feel, but simply our desire to be the opposite sex.

I have been on HRT for roughly 2 years and recently underwent FFS. I intend to come out at work too after sorting out some practical issues and hopefully I will have a story worth listening to by then. At present, I don't have much credibility.

I believe, with all my heart, that transitioning can be a very rewarding experience despite all the negative consequences.

I'm not here to undermine the struggles others have gone through, but merely to put matters into perspective. There are relatively easier and harder transitions and the real trick is figuring out where you lie along that spectrum. This is to avoid undermining or catastrophizing your problems.

Good luck with your transition, Jane. :)

Love,
S

[PretzelGirl]

Example - I've heard many times here so far , and rightly so, that transition is a last ditch effort to prevent suicide, and is basically only slightly better than death etc...

You do hear this story and it is a common one. But remember that it isn't the only one. Every story is different. You are certainly allowed your own. Heck, I moved through figuring out who I was, deciding to transition, and then executing. I had dysphoria (still have some as I continue to grow), but it wasn't debilitating. I felt like you in that i didn't have negative consequences driving my decision. I posted about it and received a lot of support and I was told that it didn't have to be "do or die". Things haven't changed since then. Live your story. Transition if and only if you go through the steps you need to and make your mind up that it is the right thing to do. We can't dictate that and neither can a therapist.

[Suzanne F]

I did not wait until it was do or die. Yes I have faced many tough things but overall I am very happy to be transitioning. As far as consequences there is no way to know what will transpire. I just knew I would be divorced and unemployed. I am sleeping next to my wife after an exhilarating day at work.
Suzanne

[LeaP]

Your concern for consequences is real in that things will happen that will negatively affect your current life. Some will come from others' decisions, or to circumstances spinning out of any rationality or control. There is nothing you can do about that. Understand, too, that in flailing about looking for the "right" set of answers that you are going down a bottomless maze of caverns. There is no such set of answers, as there are too many uncontrolled variables, hence the problem is infinitely complex. There is only your willingness to act and your willingness to accept consequences.

You are already finding that the consequences that matter most, that are the hardest to face, are those closest to home, your heart, and in the ferocious way we tend to hold on to our current self-understanding and circumstances. Trans people are all about control, over a lifetime constructing a protective environment from our reactions, fear, and the constant stream of corrections ... Until even we can't find ourselves. When it finally erupts, the hard reality is that your core identity is there but completely nascent. It has its own reality, but not in the life you live, your personality, how you interact with the world, your ethics, your needs, goals, priorities, etc. It's not irrelevant - far from it - but its only practical importance at the point of realization or acceptance is in the knowledge of what burying it has done to your life.

When I hit the crisis, there were times that I felt physically disoriented, that I was literally losing my mind. The fight to preserve what you think is your self is inevitable. No-one can be a non-entity, a void. Just as anyone does, you have to bash and crash through life as yourself to develop yourself. Many describe feeling as though they have reset to a certain age. I strongly felt as though I were 9 or 10 again, meaning I returned to a sense of my self as I experienced it then and had long forgotten. You described something similar in feeling like a teenager again. The opportunity in that is to be emotionally open and non-reactive in that state as you go about your life. Through that, you will start to understand what you are (or should be) in the real world as yourself.

A time comes when you have to start acting fully and consciously out of free will. Just enough experience will give you enough confidence (in taking action, not in outcomes) to move forward in the face of consequences, even when certain. That won't always mitigate the fear or pain, either.

It has been said of trans people that they are liars, selfish, and self-centered. It's true! But not necessarily consciously or out of ill-intent. It's about self-protection and the illusion of control. We "lie" to keep the status quo. We use our actions and reactions to channel those of others around us. Too often, we justify this as self-sacrifice, taking something fundamentally self-focused and trying to make it noble. In that light, the kindest, most loving thing you will ever do for your wife is to be truthful with her. She is as entitled to live the real world as you and entitled to make her own decisions about consequences.

Be careful about justifying delay once you know what's going on, especially if the theme is control itself. While I allow myself some moral absolution for much of my life, given my psychological circumstances, I really can't any longer. I know too much. Don't put yourself in a position of real regret.

[becky77]

Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Sometimes things are a matter of perspective, I remember going to see the Pyramids at Cairo and on returning someone said "It's an aweful place, filthy and the city ruins the Pyramids".
When I went I knew what to expect, set myself up for it so when I did go I didn't have an unrealistic expectation and just thoroughly appreciated the amazing experience.

Transition can also be about perspective, when you expect the worse you find yourself saying "I only lost X friends", rather than "OMG I lost my friends".

None of us can predict the consequences but if we are as mentally prepared as possible most perspectives are that it wasn't as bad as we thought.

There is a lot to lose, but think on what you could also gain.