Arriving at the conclusion

[JaytoJillian]

Two years of seeing a wonderful gender therapist really helped me make sense of all the emotions, feelings and experiences that I've either run from, hid from or just blatantly ignored for much of my life. A good therapist, in my opinion would never stick a label on someone. Instead, their purpose is to help you ask yourself the right questions that enable you to discover the person nature intended you to be.

My therapist helped me arrive at the conclusion that I am trans. It's been a long time since I was this sure about anything in my life, and it feels liberating, exciting and terrifying all at the same time. The unknown is always like that I guess--sort of like leaping from an airplane into the dead of night, but not knowing if your chute is going to blossom round.

I am scheduled to be prescribed E and a T-blocker this week, and though I know exactly who/what I am, I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around the thought of losing professional associates, friends and family. Feels a bit like being told, "Hey, you're gonna die, but don't worry, you'll be reborn--same you, just with everything better aligned," LoL. Going through a potential firestorm will only strengthen me if it does not consume me, yet I find myself getting cold feet and wondering if I can commit to moving forward, regardless of how sure I am of who I was meant to be. It seems so easy to continue going on with the charade I've kept up for so long, but the desire to live an authentic life grows stronger every day.

Not sure what I hoped to accomplish by posting here. I just know it always feels better to let stuff out. Not really looking for judgement or advice. I totally know what I need to do. I just don't know if I can actually make the leap from the plane.

Cheers,


Jill--two days and counting

[pamela7]

"the proof of the pudding is in the eating"

and ... congratulations, enjoy, don't fear, i'm joining you soon on the hormones.

[Barbara Dugan]

That is great news Jillian I have a month on HRT and been feeling really good .

[I Am Paula]

Friends lost = 0
Family disowned= 0
Professional associates lost= 0
YMMV.

[Megan G]

Jillian,

Don't stress over the possibility of loosing friends, family or professional associates. I know that is easy for me to say and hard for you to hear but in all reality you are stressing over something that is out of your control and trying to predict the outcome is damn near impossible. Your just adding more stress to something that is already hard enough.

The reason I said that is I too stressed over the very same thing for years and at the end of the day yes I did loose some friends that I thought would support me, and I did have my mother and brother disown me but I also had a lot of wonderful people rally around me and support me. These people have made my life great in so many ways that I am much happier now even after the loss of others.

And as for work, my company rallied around me (too date) and they have been great.

[Heidi Stevens]

I'm glad you came to your decision, Jillian. I know you had expressed some doubts about making the first step in our conversations, but I'm roughly 9 months ahead of you and have not regretted it. You will begin to notice changes by this weekend and things only get better as time goes on! Buckle in, hang on and enjoy the ride!

[Miranda09]

You've come a long way since I've known you Jillian. I'm glad to see that you are feeling better about your future. Remember you've always got friends here... :)

[becky77]

My experience is similar to Megan's except I'm still close to my Mum.
The future is unwritten.

Welcome to the TS forum.

[kiwidownunder]

Hi There
Like you I/we have a wonderful therapist
At the start we had separate sessions and my wife asked how can our therapist help me but not put ideas in my head!!!
Her answer was she is here to guide us only and your husband/wife is already transitioning
Its not easy and we are now dealing (talking through going down the HRT path) together.
Like you I have days where I feel overwhelmed but I have to stay strong for the both of us.
I am not so worried about losing friends its my family! that scares me to death

6 months into a 3 years transition

Kiwi

[Sheren Kelly]

--sort of like leaping from an airplane into the dead of night, but not knowing if your chute is going to blossom round.

Jill,
Unlike SRS, HRT is a gradual process and should you decide it carries too high a cost, you can stop before changes become permanent. Also as we age, the effects of HRT are less pronounced, so I think your fears may not play out as you envision them.

Ultimately, this is your life and you have to seek happiness on your terms.

Good luck!

[PretzelGirl]

Jill, welcome to the same spot many of us were at. I don't think there can be many spots where there isn't some type of anxiety, overthinking, or rationalizing. We do what we have to do in the face of possible loss. I say, be prepared for the worst, shoot for the best. Like Paula, I have zeros in the loss column, but that isn't the most common story. So you have to be prepared and count your blessings all along the way because you will feel the best freedom ever.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Jillian, sounds like you have a good therapist. Only you can tell, though, how important it is for you to transition at this time.

Those of us who have been there do advise that you need to be prepared to lose everything but that is by no means a certainty.

I have not lost any family or close friends, but did lose some political acquaintances and a political career. At work, a couple of people turned against me and tried to make me lose my job, but I'm still there and they aren't.

[Angiemead12]

Hey Jillian, Im also on the way to transitioning, I am officially a month on HRT now and feel the same sentiments as you. At the end of the day I just live my life day to day and so far so good. Im super excited for the future but enjoying the ride along the way. Good luck to us! :D

[JaytoJillian]

At the end of the day I just live my life day to day and so far so good. Im super excited for the future but enjoying the ride along the way. Good luck to us! :D

Amen, sis! My treatment team is ultra conservative, so all I walked away with this week was a prescription for Spironolactone. They want me to enter family counseling before prescribing E of any sort. That simply is NOT part of my plan, so I will start the process of finding a new provider.

[Angiemead12]

My doc said my E levels are naturally high so I am on a super low dose now, I can't wait to get tested again to see what the levels are in a month.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Jillian;

It's not out of the ordinary for a health care provider to start slow and gradually ramp. Spiro is usually the first start. Always better to not pile on everything at one time and have issue and then diagnose what is the contributing factor.

The spiro is to begin the process of knocking down the T to start gradually.

It sounds like you are in good hands. Slow is good. Don't be in a hurry.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Sometimes Steffi]

Jill

I have a friend that I met as a CD, but she eventually decided to transition a couple of years ago. She transitioned to her wife and college aged children, and she's still married and had good relations with both her children. She transitioned in place at work successfully. And, she successfully transitioned at her, get this, her church. So, it can be done. She planned everything out in great detail, and even got an outside "expert" to conduct training at her workplace.

[JenniferZ2009]

I hope things work out for you. My last two psychiatrists labeled me as something that I was not just because I refuse to be a Harry Benjamin transsexual. It messed me up and took me awhile to understand it is what you feel you are and not what others say. It sound like you figures that one out already and congrats.

[flatlander_48]

J2:

One thing that I have found about advancing age (and at 67, I am probably a lot older than you) is an increasing desire to not waste energy with pretense. It just becomes silly after a while until you finally just say ENOUGH. In the space of less than 4 weeks I consciously outted myself to a little over 200 people. For the first, I was dressed as DeeAnn and introduced myself as DeeAnn to ~130 people as the Mistress of Ceremonies for an entertainment event. Next, as part of an update to our Science & Technology Leadership Team (~60 people) for out LGBT employee resource group, I closed with a photo of DeeAnn and an explanation of my personal situation (I identify as transgender, but not enough to warrant transition). And finally I presented the transgender piece of an Inclusion In The Workplace internal training session (22 people). There I also closed with the photo and an explanation. Along the way, I had The Discussion with my daughter and son, 8 close friends and my department manager. It is just time to quit dragging the boat anchor around.

I had a bit of experience with the coming out process when I claimed the bisexual part of how I identify, but that was a different time and a different place. However, this time the coming out had more people and more layers involved. While the process never gets easy, it does become less difficult the more you do it. The main thing is, should you decide to continue on the path you're following, is that it is YOUR story. No one else can tell YOUR story. So, when the time comes, tell people how it really sits for you. That becomes the second phase of liberation.

I think the excitement comes because you realize that you don't have to invest time and energy being someone that you're not. You get to think about what else you can do now that you don't have to haul that anchor around. That opens the door to new possibilities and it is fun to think about that.

Good Luck,

DeeAnn

[I Am Paula]

My last two psychiatrists labeled me as something that I was not just because I refuse to be a Harry Benjamin transsexual.

You had a shrink who's used Harry Benjamin? Had this shrink been under a rock for forty years?