Dead to my sister?

[debstar]

So I came out to my sister as trans a few weeks ago. Her initial reaction was low key hostility mixed with 'you are deluding yourself'

After some long phone conversations it seems the root of her concern is that she is loosing the brother she knows. Sort of like I am dying. She is upset and almost inconsolable by this thought.

She and I are both adults btw.

She has also said that I never showed any signs of being trans to her so she can not understand where I am comming from, and pointed out all the typical male hobbies and activities I have perused over the years.. So all I could say was that I am good at keeping secrets. This makes me feel like I have been lying to her, and that could be part of the problem. She no longer knows who I am despite my reassurances that I am the same person she has always known and that 'male hobies' do not gender people oneway or the other.

Don't get me wrong, I wish to help her as much as I can to understand that I am not dying. I have read this greeving process is normal but would like to know if I can do anything to help her or must I just allow her to get through it and leave her alone.

Debs.

[MissDanielle]

She has also said that I never showed any signs of being trans to her so she can not understand where I am comming from, and pointed out all the typical male hobbies and activities I have perused over the years.. So all I could say was that I am good at keeping secrets. This makes me feel like I have been lying to her, and that could be part of the problem. She no longer knows who I am despite my reassurances that I am the same person she has always known and that 'male hobies' do not gender people oneway or the other.

I completely resonate with this because my parents are making the same argument. And my mom thinks I'm going full time as soon as I move or only in the privacy of my apartment.

For instance, there are many girls that are into sports or write about sports. I happen to be one of them.

[Megan G]

Debstar,

Yes this is completely normal and too be expected. When I came out to my mother and brother damn near two years ago they said many of the same things. They got all defensive and tried using my past to try and tell me that I was not trans...

They gave me the "but your were a professional Motocross racer, hard core bow hunter, raced cars... And on and on. They pointed out all the extreme, male dominated hobbies/sports I was involved in trying to prove that if I was a woman than I would have never done this stuff.

If you were like me and kept this secret closely guarded and they honestly had no idea than this is a complete shock to them and you need to give them time to process this.

[pamela7]

i feel the elder of my two sisters is exactly as you describe your sister Debs. She's been hostile to my CD, and she's the only remaining family member who i've not told that i'm transitioning. She's in Aussie-land and I feel actually it's her female ego that's more hurt than anything else, like she feels I'm invading her "territory". We were big sibling rivals so i can understand why.

As to the grieving process, don't interfere, let your proof be in your actions and congruence, and given time she will come round - or not.

[arbon]

In a way the person she has known is dying. Several in my family felt that about me. As far as my wife she feels her husband is dead, even though we are still friends. Same with my brother, he feels that his big brother is gone forever. There is a lot of grieving that goes on as if you had died. If I had just been a crossdresser and out as that to them, without completely undoing the male life and identity I had lived they would have been fine with that. But the magnitude of the physical, social, personality changes we go through in transition is huge - they do loose the person they knew, and they get someone they don't really know, can't predict, or understand in exchange. A lot of people just can't process it, or it can take a lot of time. Just my opinion.

[PretzelGirl]

Many of us have probably heard this. I am talking with a sibling about this right now. The point here is being that they don't feel they can mention the old me anymore. My response first was posting one picture of the old me on Facebook. Then I said I would post a bunch, but I hit a point of dysphoria thinking about that. Back to the drawing board and discussing it more. But the goal for me is to allow them to talk about all my life. We do that when we aren't trans* and I want my siblings to treat everything as they would otherwise.

[Eryn]

Many, if not most, of us exhibit very male traits of one sort or another. I raced motorcycles, flew airplanes, did amateur radio, earned an engineering degree, wrenched on cars, etc. Other TG people go into the military, shooting sports, law enforcement, etc.

My theory is that many of these vocations and avocations are a result of a subconscious desire to deny our transgender tendencies by conforming to very male archetypes. We feel insecure as males, so we grab at the most masculine activities we can to validate our status.

Therefore, a past of masculine activities does not deny transgender status. In a lot of ways it can verify it.

In Deb's case, I sense that her relatives are simply trying to deny to themselves that transgenderism is possible in her case.

[Suzanne F]

Same here. My mother and sister both talk about how male I was . I can't seem to communicate how scared I was that someone would see what I was on the inside. If I was the best athlete and the smartest boy maybe no one would find out. In the army if I fought or drank maybe no one would see how alienated I felt. We can't convince them we can only live our lives and be as loving as they allow us to be.
Suzanne

[dreamer_2.0]

Going through something very similar with one of my sisters and her husband. My parents were the same way but have since come around. They all pointed out that I didn't give any indication of being trans. I acknowledged this and said it's because I always felt the need to hide. I indeed lied to to them, and to everyone, including myself, for years upon years. My parents, and especially sisters, don't need the full details of what I did behind their backs and closed doors while growing up. I intentionally manipulated my life in order to keep my "shame" in the closet.

My parents came around after I shared my experiences and struggles. I recall one visit with them where I was sitting on the couch sobbing uncontrollably apologizing for being the way I was and stressing as empathically as possible that: I did not want this. I did not want to be trans but these thoughts, these feelings were not going away and only getting worse. I expressed that, at the time, I had been on HRT for just over a year...and it was helping. I still struggled a lot but I was feeling better. Lowering my testosterone while increasing estrogen helped in ways various anti-depressants and other meds failed.

I have not had a chance to have a similar discussion with my sister and her husband but will need to at some point. I feel, as they're particularly stubborn and extremely religious, any discussion would turn to argument, which I don't believe I'm strong enough to handle yet. I've made leaps and bounds over the last couple years, but am still quite fragile as well. I'm hoping actions will speak louder than words and help them see that Holly really is right for me, as difficult to comprehend as she may be.

@Deb - How close are you with your sister? Is it possible to accept her position, for the time being, and continue moving forward? She may or may not come around, like my own, but that's their prerogative. All we can do is try and do our best to continue forward despite outside resistance.

[MissDanielle]

Holly, maybe it's because none of my religious friends are related to me but I can say that none of them look at me any differently. I hope your sister comes around just as I hope my parents come around.

[Eringirl]

Hi Deb:

This is too bad....I know it must hurt. For me, my sister was "supportive" from day one. However....She wasn't really on board until we spent some time together. So, I went to her place for a week's holiday, full time as me, as we both agreed to. That pretty much sealed the deal. She told me near the end of the week that she initially thought (before I arrived), that she would have to tell me part way through the week that she needed to be with her brother again, and revert back. But she continued by telling me that it never, ever crossed her mind. Once she got to see that I was still the same person inside, likes/dislikes, humour, etc, just a sh!t load happier, she got it. We had a blast! I spent time with her friends, we went to a show, out for dinner, lovely walks, and just sat and chatted over tea or wine, etc. Just like sisters would do. Since then, we have been closer than ever.

So, sometimes, it just takes time???

[pamela7]

Erin, I think that's the key - once they realise you are the same person, just happier; that's what happened with my wife and friends so far.

[debstar]

Hi all, thank you all for your insights. Sorry I have been in transit to the other side of this rock we all live on so have not had a chance to respond.

My sister is liberal and we are close so I feel that eventually she will come to terms with it.

It's strange the after dealing this for my self for so long I feel like I am taking the role of a councilor with her and am genuinely concerned with her well-being as much as my own.

While I have only recently self identified as trans I understand where she is coming from as it is such a shock. And her reaction has given me a glimpse in to how core gender identity is to interpersonal relationships. Everything she knows about who I am is tied to me being male... so this is a true eye opener for me as well. But not a surprising one.

Throughout our conversations she has shown nothing but confusion and concern for my well-being so she really is one to be cherished. Not once has she said anything in general about trans people.

The way she will burst in to tears at this loss of a brother in some ways signatures - for me at least - a form of acceptance. In that she has moves past a few stages of classical grieving. I just want to give her a big hug.... but at this point she has indicated that phone and email are best. I think she does not want to face me.

I do not present as female full time, nor would I want to rush things for her or me in that regard. And I have told her as much.

As I said we are close and it pains me a lot to see her hurting so much over this. Like I said I have had some time to accept me but must learn that other people must go through the same process.

On this trip I will tell my second sister. My mother and boss will wait till another day.

[pamela7]

Sounds like all good progress. If you know it, the Kubler-Ross model of grief applies to people losing their image of your old self and creating their new image.

My sister in aussie has come good on my transition - phew! She even says that mum told her her first intelligible sentence was "mum why was i not born a boy?"
i have an inkling with her lateness and my earlyness that we're swapped!

My other sister also told me today that dad both told them he used to be a little girl and grew up into a man. Given his bright colours, depression and suicide, i think he was one of us, too. Curiouser and curiouser this rabbit hole is.

[dreamer_2.0]

That was a nice post, Deb. It sounds like you and your sister have a pretty good relationship. In time, it's possible the bond will get even stronger between you two now that you're being so honest with her. Fingers are crossed for both our sisters!

[JenniferZ2009]

My sister went through a similar thing but now 6 years in we are great friends and she defends me.

[Georgette_USA]

I always warn people that when coming out to family, they may not be on-board. Told my mother in 1975, had to explain it all, TS was not well known back then. She said she wasn't surprised after my turbulent teen years. After that whole family was OK with it all. Think my sister 10 years younger kinda knew before that. She is very supportive of any of my new friends on Facebook.

My partner was a different matter, her mother and sister didn't want anything to do with her after that. I took her to my family and they treated her just like part of my family.

[Momarie]

I know how she feels.

"Jamie" killed off my masculine, big strong, hairy chested, Marine man Jim whom I'd fallen in love with at a very young age.

Then I was suppose to like "her" for it.

[Kalista Drake]

Debs, I know what you're going through. I started transitioning 6 years ago and my brother still can't accept me as a woman. My mom, grandma and other relatives accept me and are very supportive of me. My mom accepted me as soon as I came out to her 6 1/2 years ago, but others took a little more time. Like, my grandma, at first kept calling me by my old name and she kept referring to me as 'He' or 'Him'... It took her a couple years but she is fully supportive of me now and never uses male pronouns with me any more. My brother on the other hand thinks he has lost his little brother. He has said to me "I don't have a sister. I have a brother!".

Like most of us MTF's I used to do guy things like lifting weights. I had a pretty muscular physique when I was younger. But that of course was just a cover-up hiding who I really was. My brother only saw me as male. I guess it's difficult for him to accept me any other way. We are adults too btw. I don't know what to tell him. Maybe he will come around in time and accept me. I hope so. We were never close but it would be nice to have his support. I have only one brother and no sisters. I always wished I had a sister so that I could do girly things with her and excuse it to other people by saying "I'm playing with my sister".

I guess you should just give your sister some time to come around and accept you.

Good luck, hun.

Kal