Partner's Fear

[raeleen]

I've recently started going out dressed, and it's been a really amazing experience venturing out as a woman. However it's also had it's fair share of bumps, especially around my wife's comfort and concern for me when I'm out. She's expressed a great deal of anxiety from the moment I leave the house until I return, and it's mostly around fear for my safety (scared I'm going to get beat up or get into a difficult situation with transphobic folks). I've tried to stick with safer spaces (LGBT friendly bars, support group meetings, etc.) and try to really stay hyper aware of my surroundings when I do venture out, but she definitely still has her worries. One of the points she brings up is that as a man, I haven't developed the instincts to protect myself when out in public, and especially later at night, that a woman develops from a lifetime of being harrassed and objectified. I don't disagree with her thoughts, and have tried to stay more attentive, but I definitely do move through the world with the confidence and air of a guy not fearing for his safety (though I'm also clearly a bit more on edge and aware when out in heels and a skirt)

Have other girls experienced this with their partners? Do the fears start to go away as you get out more and they start to trust that you're being safe, or is it something that always ends up staying in the back of their minds? Suggestions for ways to help her feel more comfortable with my venturing out? I've promised to start texting her to keep her posted on where I am and who I'm with, and to let her know when I'm headed home. Also promising to stick to well-lit areas in parts of the city that have a reputation for being more trans-friendly. Seems like that's the best I can do for now, but I definitely don't want her to always be scared for me when I go out as my girl-self.

Thanks all. Would love to hear your thoughts.

[deebra]

Ask her to go with you so she can see for her self, this might relieve some of her fears, she might enjoy the outing, two girls together is safer and can add a new dimension to your male/female one.

Just to add a little something relevant to this post I was out yesterday morning early in the mall wearing back 4 inch suede platform ankle boots with a spiked heel under long black boot cut jeans and I walked very natural in them but was clocked and stared at a lot by the elderly women walking the mall for exercise. Nothing said and it was very safe but it sure gave them something to gossip about.

[Judy-Somthing]

I only went out when I was in my late teens. I would go out late around 1:00 AM

A women out that late is a no no, two times men in cars tried picking me up and were somewhat persistent .

And one time a group of older teens chased me.

So be safe.

[audreyinalbany]

its always been a major concern for my wife as well. I don't go out often, but now when I do it's usually during the daytime. I'm not much of a a party girl & don't have much interest in going clubbing.

[Lori Kurtz]

Your wife is right to be afraid for you. I was always hyper-vigilant and alert when I'd go out dressed, and the fear was a perverse part of the thrill for me. I'm glad I'm living a more calm and less risky life now.

Girls like us have a lot more to fear than GGs. Be careful out there.

[Kimberley May]

I fantasise about going out dressed like this. I've only just plucked up the courage to buy clothes in stores. It's times like this I wish I had a large secure back garden. Well, just a back garden would be nice, I don't even have that so I'm always alone indoors with it.

[Jackie7]

As Deebra says, take her with you. Much more fun, and much safer too. Her female instincts will protect you, and her aura will extend over you like an invisible shield, actually shifting the perceptions of others, so they are more inclined to accept you as female too. Besides, why should you be gallivanting around flashy nightclubs while she sits home alone full of worry (and if the children are the reason, hire a sitter).

[Beverley Sims]

I join in the persuade her to go out with you and have a pleasant outing.
Going out by yourself is somewhat risky and leaves your wife at home with anguish.

[Jenniferathome]

I wrote about something quite similar here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?211505-quot-Do-you-feel-vulnerable-when-you-are-out-quot&highlight=

Women DO have a different experience and risk when being out, in particular, alone. That is why it is rare to see women walking alone at night unless it's from the parking lot to the venue. My wife no longer fears for me, but her own internal risk meter goes off, I am sure. The truth is, you're still a guy and should someone mistake you for a woman they will be quite surprised when you fight back. If it is a multiple of guys threatening you, call 911 and take as many of them with you as you go down.

Now, I'll venture that part of your wife's fear is the change that is happening as you have gone from closet, to home to outside cross dressing. "Where will it end?" she must be wondering but not yet asking you. That is a conversation topic to which you should open the door.

[JamieG]

I think it is natural for wives to be concerned for our safety. I would listen to her concerns and then take reasonable precautions. If you are walking dark streets alone or going to bars by yourself, you are asking for trouble. However, if you are simply walking a few blocks from a parking lot to go into a place where you'll be meeting friends, that should be okay. Note, I never go en femme somewhere I haven't scoped out in male-mode first. Call me a nervous-nelly, but we can be target, even in progressive places.

p.s. Glad to hear you're getting out a lot.

[Jenny22]

If you are going out alone, the need to be safe is paramount. Buy and keep a can of Pepper spray in your purse and keep it in your dominate hand when outside. Can't hurt ... not you, but maybe an attacker will back off, if hit.

[Rachael Leigh]

My wife too has some fears for me but most of hers is around someone we know might see me, which I really doubt they would recognize me but it's her biggest fear, I however only go out in daylight to relatively safe places like the mall or Walmart and such so I feel pretty safe but yes I try to be aware around my car and such knowing I am presenting as a women and for guys who want to do something they see an easy target but with a 6"2 frame maybe not lol.
But yes our wives do have fears.

[donnaS]

I've gotten the bug to go out also.
My wife expresses her concern for my safety. Honestly I haven't given it any thought. I'm do glad this subject has been posted. I will rethink my adventures and meeting plans. Probably won't be real soon, I'm still new to the going out scene.

[NatalieR]

I thought about this when I started going out and my cousin expressed the same concern - I read a book called "The Gift of Fear" that I found helpful. I am happy to say I haven't had any problems so far!!

[Eryn]

When I first started going out Mimi was definitely in "mother lioness" mode. She was afraid that someone would ridicule me, say nasty things, etc.

We never had much fear of violence because we stuck with safe mainstream venues. We don't go to sketchy clubs or dangerous places late at night.

No, I was not raised female, but I am certainly aware of my vulnerability as a person.

With time and experience we've grown comfortable. If something mildly bad happens, like misgendering, we trade a knowing look and get on with having fun.

[jenniferinsf]

i read your post and understand your wife's concerns

my wife has exactly the same and i hear them from her it seems like every second day. naturally it is a worry for them that a loved one could be hurt.

i have read a few other threads about this and yes....we do need to be aware of the situations we are putting ourselves in...more like a woman and less like a man

[Karen RHT]

My wife isn't concerned about my personal safety in the slightest. She is concerned that someone will "connect the dots," identify me, tell friends and associates about me, and ask her questions she simply doesn't want to deal with.


Karen

[TanyaR]

One of the points she brings up is that as a man, I haven't developed the instincts to protect myself when out in public, and especially later at night, that a woman develops from a lifetime of being harrassed and objectified. I don't disagree with her thoughts, and have tried to stay more attentive, but I definitely do move through the world with the confidence and air of a guy not fearing for his safety (though I'm also clearly a bit more on edge and aware when out in heels and a skirt)

Wife here, I talk about this with my husband all the time. Even though we have only been out together a few times, with a group in a different town, this is one of my fears if she does start going out without me. I hope my fears of this will subside, but until then I prefer to go with her. Have you talked to your wife about going out with you? I am not sure of your arrangement with her. Now we do not go out in the town we live in because I do fear that someone will recognize her if she is with me and all the issues that could cause with our business and my children. We live in a very conservative town.

Just talk to her and ask her if there is anything else you can do to help alleviate her stress. BUT she may always worry, I am that way about my kids and will probably be the same with my Love. :o

[raeleen]

Thanks for the many thoughts, everyone. I appreciate it!

I don't think going out with me is really an option for her. She's still not comfortable with me when I'm dressed, and I think that would only make any joint outing more stressful than less. Maybe one day she'll get there, but it's one of the things I'm not going to rush. If she ever wants to go out with me, that'd be great, bu I'm not rushing it.

I'm not too worried about being recognized. If that happens, I'll cross the bridge when we get there.

I appreciate your chiming in, Tanya. I suspect that her fear will always be there, like you mentioned. It's just like how we feel about our kids. I still get nervouse watching them ride their bikes on the street. Just the protective instinct that never goes away I guess. Feels like lots of partner's have similar fears, and I'll just keep working to do my best to help minimize the unknowns for her, and also practice awareness and attentiveness when I'm out. Like I said, I try to only stick to more accepting and safer parts of town (pretty easy here in Seattle) and maybe go get myself some pepper spray for my purse. :)

Thanks all!

[Claire Cook]

I'm in the Deebra, Jackie and Eryn group here. When I started going out my wife was very concerned -- concerned that I would be embarrassed by being read, and concerned for my safety, but I rarely went out alone at night. Now we often go out together and she has become comfortable doing son and that has allayed her fears about my going out alone. Yes, by all means think safety when you do go out -- not only as GG's do, but also because there are those creeps out there who do not like CD'ers -- or see us as targets.