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EllieMayxxx
01-21-2016, 07:26 AM
When I got out of the shower today I almost broke down into tears because it hated what i saw and my head has been all over the place the last few days. I just want to be happy in my own skin. I hadn't shaved for a few days and I thought I looked disgusting and i was just relieved once it was gone.

Last night I told my best friend that i had been trying to get counselling to help me understand myself and that I have thought about transitioning. He hasn't replied so I think he just needs time to come to terms with it.

I hate having to wear my man clothes, I just wish I could afford a couple of outfits just to get me by until I get a job. Also if i do start HRT I would feel even worse about wearing them.

Sorry i just needed to get this out in the open.

Wendy me
01-21-2016, 08:15 AM
Hey Charlotte not uncomon to hate what you see . I think everyone at one time or anouther has been there. i know i have and still do feel that way sometimes .there are times i dont shave my face everything else is shaved .... and i get like my boady dose not belong to me .. my plan was to trans after the kids grew up... sick parents could not do it .... now grandaughters well again stuck somewere in limbo ...


the face hair and that outher thing down there i hate ... been in therapy for like ever ... only thing that keeps me going is in my heart i am Wendy she is at times a frightened little girl screaming to come out and at times i wish this could all go away....the point i realized i was not a freek show or a crossdresser almost killed me but in the same way when i accpted i was a woman who was trapped in were i am it also made me comfy in were i am ....

love for those around me keeps me one step from me being happy.....

MissDanielle
01-21-2016, 08:47 AM
I can't even look at a mirror anymore. Got a haircut yesterday and kept my eyes turned toward the ground.

PaulaQ
01-21-2016, 04:14 PM
I know all too well how you feel, Charlotte. I understand how you feel about the mirror, and wearing men's clothes. By the time I started my transition, I couldn't abide them either. I suffered from anxiety and panic attacks while presenting as a male. It was awful.

HRT will actually calm you down a lot. I am not suggesting that you should just try to carry on living as a man after you start HRT for any longer than you have to. But it will probably make carrying on until you go fulltime easier, at least for a while.

After I started HRT, I had to present as a male on two occasions. The first and worst one was for my son's wedding. They asked me not to show up as myself "for my protection." OK, whatever, it's their wedding, and I wouldn't have wanted to distract from the event. Although of course people talked about me anyway - there's really not much avoiding distraction in the early days while people are still coming to grips with this. It was a really hellish three days, though.

The second and last time, I had to go back to the rural Oklahoma town where my wife and I had our home. I had to sign some paperwork for refinancing our home. (Eventually she'd be my ex-wife, and it would be her home.) It was pretty awful, but I did it mostly for my own safety. I was just less noticeable at that point, three months into HRT, presenting as a guy out there. This was hard both because I was presenting as a male, and because dealing with my wife was very difficult.

Once I returned home from that trip - it all happened in a single day, I packed up, and then donated, all my male clothes. I never wore them again.

Before I'd started HRT, I wouldn't have made it, particularly during that three day stint for the wedding. I would've completely come unglued emotionally, and had either a panic attack or perhaps suffered a psychotic break at some point during that weekend.

At this point, I could put on male clothes, and I wouldn't pass as a guy. I still wouldn't do it though. There is nothing that would motivate me to do that. The memories of what it was like early on are just too painful.

As you start transition and HRT, and maybe some facial hair removal, after a time you'll begin to like who you see in the mirror. Two years and a half years in, and I *like* who I see in the mirror now.

Hang in there hon, I know it's really hard.

EllieMayxxx
01-21-2016, 04:55 PM
Thank you for the replies. Today really hit me hard. I don't know what how long i will have to present as male because until I get a job I have no money to start really being who i am. I haven't been as active on here today as I normally have because usually when im feeling down i try and pass the day by sleeping.

Paula, I bet that was so difficult presenting as male 3 months into HRT. There will be a few items that i will keep, like my wrestling shirts and football shirts because their sort of unisex but everything else will go to a charity shop. I really wnat to tell my mum about how i am feeling and ask that when she goes clothes shopping again if i go with her because we will be getting clothes from the same shop, but I just can't, there is something stopping me from telling her. I have never really spoken to my parents about everything, I just bottle it all up and try to carry on like there is nothing wrong. Im scared in case they react bad and kick me out of the house because I will have nowhere to go. I'm sure they will be accepting but there is always a chance.

Wendy, I feel exactly the same in your second paragraph, im just tired of all of the mixed thoughts.

MissDanielle
01-21-2016, 06:24 PM
I'm keeping all my sports clothing but I'll try and replace them with women's equivalents.

I snuck in leggings yesterday and a thermal top today. I'll be so glad when I can stop hiding everything and not just the clothes.

EllieMayxxx
01-21-2016, 06:27 PM
I agree 100% Danielle.

MarieTS
01-22-2016, 01:12 AM
Don't despair, Char. The greatest most satisfying moment is finally seeing only femme attire when you look in your closet (even exercise clothing, Danielle :heehee:) and then realize the nigtmare is finally over. The nude glance into the mirror when you see an innie instead of an outie, breasts instead of pecs, and smooth skin instead of stubble is your final confirmation. Keep the dream alive, your day is coming :-)

debstar
01-22-2016, 04:24 AM
A rally I can relate a similar experience. When find my self naked in front of my full length mirror I sort of unconsiosly grab my bits with my hand, so I do not see them I guess.

Not sure about anyone else but for me those articles feel like warts. Aside from the minor benifit of peeing while standing they do not do a lot for me.

The rest of my male body is fine because I can see feminine potental in most other aspects.

Debs.