JenniferZ2009
01-23-2016, 07:34 AM
So I missed my gender group this week and im feeling kinda sad now. It is on Wednesdays and I just started going again. I say i transitioned there but in reality I started here. This is one of my homes away from home. I was gone for along time but now I am trying to come back. My life got so crazy for a long time and I had doubts about transition and didn't even want to think about it. I had an orchi and so many time I have though it was a mistake. I started detransitioning and then stopped very early on. Iv'e stopped estrogen and started it so many times in the last 6 years. Was even on estrogen and testosterone to see if that helped. The more male I became again the more anger there was and now I truly know that this is the right life for me. I am happy being me. I am small and weak now and surprisingly that makes me very happy. I say weak because I have no muscle now (somewhat do to sever dietary restrictions i cant gain weight) and im very skinny and slim. I look like the small petiteish female I want the world to see. I used to be a 200 pound 5'11" guy with a bear belly a little and now I am 160 at the most. I am only really happy when I am presenting as a female and I have even finally started referring to myself as a woman instead of the sterile word "female". I dont understand genders really, I mean i get it , but my brain does not understand them. I get all weird in my head when I think of male and female genital and they don't make sense. Why must a male and female be different. Why must society as a whole rely on secondary gender characteristics to accept you as female or male. I mean if I can write synthetic multi-state RNA analysis programs and math papers how come I cant understand concept!!!! I think more of what I dont understand is the logic behind gender conformity in society and that is where things get mirky. I remember growing up being so jealous of my neighbor. My best friend was a self-described tomboy and I really looked up to her. She had my awe and attention and I wanted to be around that. I'm actually starting cry thinking about that.
Iv'e never had a friend like her since that I have really looked up to except for one person who really helped me out during early transition. I havnt seen her for a very long time but I hope she would like to hang out with me again. That leads me to one of the main points of this post Group Therapy. I meet my friend at group and over the course of a year made some great friends. I stopped talking to all of them and now no one wants to talk to me. I hope ot make a meet a new group of friends and stop being so lonely in life. I need some variety in life and coding and analyzing RNA and watching TV/Movies gets really boring after awhile when that is all you have to do. I do have alot of things to work on for the RNA stuff like some new analysis stuff but I am getting burnt out and need company so once again here I am.
Iv'e never had a friend like her since that I have really looked up to except for one person who really helped me out during early transition. I havnt seen her for a very long time but I hope she would like to hang out with me again. That leads me to one of the main points of this post Group Therapy. I meet my friend at group and over the course of a year made some great friends. I stopped talking to all of them and now no one wants to talk to me. I hope ot make a meet a new group of friends and stop being so lonely in life. I need some variety in life and coding and analyzing RNA and watching TV/Movies gets really boring after awhile when that is all you have to do. I do have alot of things to work on for the RNA stuff like some new analysis stuff but I am getting burnt out and need company so once again here I am.