Not coming out

[TracyUK]

10 years ago my employer told the staff that we had new starter coming the next week and as she used to be a he, there was to be no hassle and we should all help her settle in. This was no problem for me but some of the staff thought this was wrong and were constantly making jokes about her.
I was desperate to talk to about my crossdressing but it was obvious she just wanted to accepted and treated as a woman so I never did have that conversation. I did stand up and talk to the rest of staff and say enough of this, you know everybody in this industry knows everyone else so he has changed gender to but to stay in the same town and the same field of work says lot, if you will pardon the pun it takes balls!

[CarlaWestin]

As a crossdresser, you're on the same wavelength but, not necessarily the same page as a transsexaul person. Although you may feel a kindred alignment, they are really swimming in a different pool. Your role is to be a colleague and a friend. If the transgender thing comes up in conversation just acknowledge that you understand. And, the low life comments are probably coming from those who rely on a little blue pill to fulfill some selfish view of their unachievement. Just be a nice person. The rest will follow.

[Nadine Robles]

I think your boss made a huge mistake by setting the poor woman in a vulnerable spot right before the start. He/she should had make her blend in like anyone else and work her way in the group thats the spirit of true equality of rights, at least IMHO. I had too shared work space with transgender people and they were respected just like any other person nobody pointed them out.

[bridget thronton]

Give her your respect and earn hers - if friendship follows you might get a chance to share your life and ask your questions

[Alice Torn]

Carla is spot on here, as are the others.

[Ruby John]

She might have different values than you. Might think everybody should be out. I would keep my situation to my self. Ruby

[Beverley Sims]

As Carla and Bridget have pointed out, the best way is to gain friendship and at a later stage maybe you can have a conversation.

Did she know that you stood up for her when you addressed the other workers?

Meanwhile let sleeping dogs lie.

For now.

[flatlander_48]

I think it was appropriate to explain the situation before the person started working. Everybody heard the same message at the same time. No one can say that they heard a different message. If that explanation did not happen and word came through the grapevine, there can be a lot of unpredictability. If you have 20 people in the office, you're likely to get 20 versions of what's actually happening. As in any coming out process, it is important to control the narrative; at least initially.

The fact that the person continued to live in the same town and do the same type of work raises the probability that information will get passed on. I think it would be unavoidable, so having the discussion at the beginning is best.

Regarding a more personal conversation, watch and wait would be the plan. Blurting out unsolicited information can be something less than useful.

DeeAnn

[Teresa]

Tracy,
Your employer did the right thing, I would guess the whole situation had been considered with the management and the person concerned would have been consulted knowing that she was continuing to work in the same industry in the same town . Yes it was a brave thing to do and I'd say she was well use to the the thoughtless ones making stupid jokes out of a total lack of understanding, counselling would have dealt with that.
I would be inclined to leave the subject of your CDing with her not unless you are thinking about transition but still tread carefully it may still be a sensitive subject with her.

[Katey888]

Oh dear... Tracy, your employer just sounds so British... even from 10 years back I doubt that much has changed with most peoples' view - somebody 'weird' starts and becomes the butt of all humour - sad, but so typical. Sounds not dissimilar to our Katie Elouise's experience at being outed just over a year ago. Good of you to be supportive Tracy - probably all you could do in the circumstances... :)

And Carla raises an important point that's not lost on me - we are so different in many ways to how our TS folk approach life, because it is just life for them... That's why it's so important that we can talk to each other about this because sometimes I think we are the only ones that truly understand each other and even within our community, understanding and sensitivity can sometimes be as elusive as the Higgs Boson...

Katey x

[MissDanielle]

Coming from someone who is trans and about to start my transition after moving (living situation wouldn't let me before), if I could flip a switch and not be trans, I'd do that in a moment. My dream job(s) aside, the things I want the most in life can never happen because being trans and to be honest, it sucks. I didn't ask for, want, or choose any of this.

[pamela7]

I suggest the employer could have done that better, by introducing a policy or team talk/training on gender equality/trans, without drawing attention to the newbie as such.

T seems to be so personal and individually important, to some particularly wanting no reference back to CD or life before full transition, don't take it as a rebuff. It's world's apart from thrill-dressing to living as a woman in a male body or going further. I know many CD might have unconscious desires or feelings that they have a suppressed TS within, and perhaps that's the best starting point for a talk?

xxx Pamela

[S. Lisa Smith]

Hopefully she has settled in.

[sometimes_miss]

Unless the person in question can easily pass, and is completely unknown to everyone in town and in the industry previous to the current job they will be starting, then it was the correct move on management's part to make a statement up front that there wasn't to be any problems started because of her gender/sexual status. Because eventually word would spread anyway. This way it was made clear what behavior was to be appropriate, and what was not.
As far as contact with that individual, being friendly and helpful is all that should be done. Once you get to know her better, if you become friends, THEN you can come out to her and take it further. But just because you both have a gender issue in life doesn't automatically make you best buds.

[Angie G]

Good for you Tracy.:hugs:
Angie

[Stephanie47]

I think your employer had a duty to inform the employees. Hopefully, there is some sort of legal protection for transsexuals in Britain. I am assuming Salford is in Britain based on a quick "google" search. In Washington State transsexuals and cross dressers are legally protected from discrimination in employment. An employer cannot allow a "hostile" work invironment to exist less the employer be sued. I think you did the admirable thing to stand up for her. I see no reason for you to "out" yourself as a cross dresser. If you did "out" yourself, you would have run the risk of your support being viewed as "oh, another one of those!" Perhaps support coming from you is going to be viewed as unbiased support.

[Megan G]

but it was obvious she just wanted to accepted and treated as a woman so I never did have that conversation. !

As Someone that is transitioning from my point of view the above comment is exactly how I feel. I do not want my life and the conversations I have on a daily basis to revolve around the fact that I am a transsexual. I just want to live my life as any other normal woman would. Trust me as someone who is transitioning in the same small town that I grew up in and at the same job that I was once a male it is already tough enough. Want to be an ally? Treat me like any other woman in the company. If we become friends then that would be the appropriate time to bring up your CD'ing but don't be surprised if it goes no further than "oh ya, that's great"...

As for how the company addressed the issue with the rest of the staff. Considering it was A decade ago (a much different time compared to today) I see no issues with it. I am sure this person was aware of what was going to be said.

[Maria Strange]

When I was a line manager with staff under me it was noticed that I had tights under my trousers. I decided to tell my staff in private about my dressing before rumours started flying and they heard about me on the grapevine. It seems it did not go as well as I first thought. They had gone to my manager and then he hauled me into a room and tore me off a strip. So much for taking the proactive approach. The thing that pi**es me off the most is that when I was telling my staff who were both female they were both sitting there in trousers and socks

[Katya@]

When I was a line manager with staff under me it was noticed that I had tights under my trousers. I decided to tell my staff in private about my dressing before rumours started flying and they heard about me on the grapevine. It seems it did not go as well as I first thought. They had gone to my manager and then he hauled me into a room and tore me off a strip. So much for taking the proactive approach. The thing that pi**es me off the most is that when I was telling my staff who were both female they were both sitting there in trousers and socks

Without being out myself, simply through observing, I realized that women are not any better than men when it comes to accepting M2F crossdresser.

[Leslie Langford]

I think it was appropriate to explain the situation before the person started working. Everybody heard the same message at the same time. No one can say that they heard a different message. If that explanation did not happen and word came through the grapevine, there can be a lot of unpredictability. If you have 20 people in the office, you're likely to get 20 versions of what's actually happening. As in any coming out process, it is important to control the narrative; at least initially.

The fact that the person continued to live in the same town and do the same type of work raises the probability that information will get passed on. I think it would be unavoidable, so having the discussion at the beginning is best.

Regarding a more personal conversation, watch and wait would be the plan. Blurting out unsolicited information can be something less than useful.

DeeAnn

DeeAnn, I think your advice is spot-on for someone transitioning on the job, and where everyone has to make adjustments to the new reality of a fellow employee openly transitioning there and ultimately living and working as the opposite gender. In most enlightened workplaces, this is a carefully scripted and controlled process initiated by the person actually doing the physical (and visible) transitioning, along with the full support of their superiors and HR who all play their respective roles in ensuring that the message gets out in the right way to make this a positive experience for all concerned.

As for a new hire, what a person was or did in a past life - or any other such personal details, for that matter - is nobody else's business unless that person elects to share this information of their own volition. Think of it this way - could you see a boss in today's world introducing a new employee as "This is Carrie, she is a single mother with three children by three different fathers, is a recovering alcoholic and former drug user, was homeless for awhile and lived in her car, turned tricks during that time to support herself, but since she has now turned her life fully around and has joined us "...there was to be no hassle and we should all help her settle in"

Not only would HR go nuts if they got wind of such a breach of privacy resulting from unprofessional behavior by a manager, this type of action might even attract a lawsuit.

[flatlander_48]

L L:

What you say is true, except for this passage:


I did stand up and talk to the rest of staff and say enough of this, you know everybody in this industry knows everyone else so he has changed gender to but to stay in the same town and the same field of work says lot, if you will pardon the pun it takes balls!

That changes everything because it is highly likely that the information will be spread. Then it becomes a matter of do you want people to hear rumors and gossip or do you want to have accurate information in front of any BS that might happen? There's no way to prevent that information from spreading.

Also, we have no information about any discussions between the manager and the, then, recently hired employee. To call it a breach of privacy would assume that there was no communication between the manager and the employee or that there was communication and the manager was acting against the wishes of the employee. But, there was nothing stated about this.

DeeAnn

[Lena]

You said this happened 10 years ago. Why are you bringing it up now?

[Genny B]

Funny how a conversation about something ten years ago can bring up so many comments! I must admit some of the comments have me stirred....

Genny B

[ReineD]

Good for you for speaking up. At least there is one less person the disapproving folks will speak in front of.


... wait. I continued to read the other posts. This happened 10 years ago? What was the outcome finally, did the staff come to accept her and did they stop talking about her? Also I echo Lena. Why are you bringing this up now?

[Deedee Skyblue]

Also I echo Lena. Why are you bringing this up now?

It's not like every other conversational topic under the Crossdressing sun hasn't been the subject of at least a dozen threads before... It's something different to talk about.

Deedee

[ReineD]

Deedee, I was not criticizing TracyUK for bringing it up, I was instead wondering if anything has happened in her own life that is causing her to bring this up now. Maybe Tracy has something pertaining to herself that she would like to talk about.

Right? If I bring up something to my partner that happened 10 years ago, it is because there is something about it that is unresolved, something that is bothering me, usually triggered by a recent event.