View Full Version : Double life.

10-17-2004, 07:01 AM
Since I don't really have anyone around me that understands my situation, I figured venting with people that have been in my situation would help.

I was about 14 when I started dressing as a male. It made me feel completely awesome when I would do it. I would introduce myself as "John" to everyone I came across and wouldn't let up on giving anyone my real info. After 6 months of doing that, I dropped the whole male thing. I dressed as a full time girl, had boyfriends, and became a born again christian to help me rid myself of what I considered an "illness".

After lying to myself for 2 years and thinking I was some sort of bad person, I went back to dressing as a male and have done so until now. My only problem is that I've landed myself in a rut. From the age of 16, I have introduced myself to everyone as a male, lived as a male, and have gotten insulted if anyone even questioned me being anything but a male. When I go to work, I dress as a female because well I have to and act like your everyday girl that's into guys. When I come home, I'm your everyday guy that is into girls. It's really eating at me.

Is it possible to have friends and not tell them the truth about who you really are underneath the clothes? I feel like I'm in that movie "Boys Don't Cry" about Brandon Teena. Sometimes I just want to yell out everything about me, I don't know why I'm so scared though. Advice? Personal experiences anyone?

10-17-2004, 07:20 AM
No advice I'm afraid, just this:


Well, some advice - keep coming here, everyone is really friendly, and will try and help as best they can (although it has to be said that there are more mtf posting here than ftms - right gabby lot they are too! :p), and may be able to recommend further courses of action.

And, if you have a really close friend/family member who you think would listen without reacting badly, try talking to them a bit about it all; or go to talk to a doctor, free therapist, someone like that (doesn't have to be your family doctor). Maybe even someone in the personnel department at work perhaps?

And yes, it is possible to have friends who don't know everything about you, but sadly you'll probably never be 100% happy with that. And the reason you feel scared - simple - you've seen how 'society' reacts to things that it considers not to be 'normal', and you'd rather not be reacted to in that manner. Hopefully, things will turn out much better than you think - good luck! :o

10-17-2004, 07:25 AM
Hi John!

Man, I really, really feel for you. I have had similar emotions. It is just not easy going what you are going through. I know this is going to sound a bit weird, but please bear with me.

1. First thing is relax. You are being you. That's OK.
2. If you have moved away from God (you don't say), get back there - that's what made all the difference in my life when I was struggling with these issues. I am a born again Christian and very proud of my Saviour.
3. Spend lots more time here :). It makes the world of difference too!

I have some wonderful friends that don't yet know the true me. One day they will. Hopefully sooner, rather than later.

Just remember, you are not alone. You are among friends here. I can't tell you how to live your life, or how to exactly handle your situation because I am not in it and I am coming from the other side of the fence. But I, and many others here, have very good ears to listen with (or eyes to read with if you know what I mean!) and we are here to support. OK?

If you want to vent, VENT. It really does help a lot too.

Good luck. If you ever just want to chat about things, drop me a line :)


10-17-2004, 07:27 AM
.... although it has to be said that there are more mtf posting here than ftms - right gabby lot they are too! :p) ....


Ooohhhh. Gabby, I ask you! Who'se gabby, hmm? I want NAMES girl! NAMES!


Oh yes, and I agree with everything else you said too. :)


10-17-2004, 06:39 PM
* handshake *
You've seen me here before, and you know I'm much much less experienced with all the technicalities involved with crossdressing (ftm that is). But I know some, if not all, of the feelings you are talking about.

It made me feel completely awesome when I would do itYes! That's why it's so hard to not smile when people "sir" me! :D

I was half-tomboy during childhood, then later focused more on outfit. Since I'm an atheist, I can't speak of religious pressure or benefit. I can only say that I have always been afraid of getting into trouble if I am caught while dressed as a boy. So to me, I don't think the issue was guilt or disgust.

Not wanting to reveal the fact that I am not a guy forces me to twist my answers all the time. I avoided female-pronouns, and keeps silent about certain subjects that could corner me. It is satisfying to know that people in my daily interactions are referring to me as "he" without hesitation, but it is also frightening to think of the moment when they realize that they've been fooled. I know THAT doesn't feel good (I can't tell if another person is crossdressing, and if I find out the "truth", I feel "twice as dumb"), so I expect some will react negatively.

In real life, my friends all know my true gender. I have a "friend" online who doesn't know, but at least I know I didn't lie to her outright. To have others accept yourself exactly the way you do is hard to achieve. So we are left with a choice, lie to others or lie to self. I decided to return to the old habit, because ultimately I have to live with myself until I die, not my family, nor my friends. But be prepared to lose them.

A few month ago I've read a blog by a FTM (not simply a crossdresser), who started writing it as a form of personal therapy. He liked the term "boi" and used it for himself. Coincidentally I've also started my own therapy blog. I think, even if it doesn't work, it is an outlet, since you do want to vent. ;)

10-18-2004, 04:29 AM

Ooohhhh. Gabby, I ask you! Who'se gabby, hmm? I want NAMES girl! NAMES!


Oh yes, and I agree with everything else you said too. :)



Oooooh, I couldn't name names at all Vicky - probably best to have a look at posting totals/averages and judge it that way, maybe anyone over 500 posts?..... :p

10-18-2004, 11:39 AM
Thanks to everyone for the kind words. I knew if anyone would understand, it would be the people on this board. I haven't gone by the name John in years. I should have stated that my alias now is Jacob because I just like the name better than John. While I may have dropped the Christian thing while I was a teenager, because I didn't agree with church goers perceptions of homosexuals, cross dressers, transmen/women, I have considered trying it out again. Although I fear the outcome would remain the same, I was somewhat a happier person when I was more spiritual.

There is one friend of mine I wouldn't mind telling sooner or later about myself. The rest I would rather leave in the dark for awhile. My only issue with coming out with not really being a guy is that I'll be treated differently. I think he would be accepting of the fact cause he is an opened minded guy. I just think he'll end up thinkin' I'm softer or weaker and won't be able to fend for myself if lets say a fight breaks out. I would just like to be a guy. I feel even if I have sex change, I'd still feel like some sort of freak. I guess this is something I'll have to work out with myself somehow.

I hope we can all find some sort of peace. I'll consider getting another journal to express these feelings.

Does anyone on here use AIM or Yahoo Instant Messenger? Cause it would be nice to have conversations without filling up the PM box.

10-18-2004, 01:20 PM
I do have AIM (also yahoo account), but I "talk" like a girl! ...and plus other reasons I tend to avoid chatting... you know how that is. :p Go ahead and send PMs. That's why they are there.

I just think he'll end up thinkin' I'm softer or weaker...I know. Sometimes it can't be helped. Just have to earn their respect for your strength, somehow. To be fair, I'm awful at this too. I need to wholeheartedly accept the fact that some people in my life can take care of themselves.

10-18-2004, 01:52 PM
Hi Jacob! Now that I have the correct name, you are welcome to Yahoo me anytime I am on if you like. My details are on my profile ... Sometimes it just helps to talk (I didn't say chat!) LOL. I have also wondered about the "freak" thing after SRS ...

Best wishes and good luck!


10-18-2004, 01:54 PM

Oooooh, I couldn't name names at all Vicky - probably best to have a look at posting totals/averages and judge it that way, maybe anyone over 500 posts?..... :p

Uhm, now who could that be? There seems to be a whole lot of us these days ;).


10-18-2004, 02:08 PM
Theodora, that is what I am here for ;). Besides, I love to talk (for the guys) or chat (for the girls). It helps me too :D. So, if you ever want to say hi, I would LOVE to hear from you too! ;)


10-19-2004, 07:03 PM
I just think he'll end up thinkin' I'm softer or weaker and won't be able to fend for myself if lets say a fight breaks out. I would just like to be a guy. I feel even if I have sex change, I'd still feel like some sort of freak.

Lean close, closer, CLOSER...

You are NOT a freak!

Got that? Good.

Physical prowess in combat has NOTHING to do with it.

See 'Enter the Dragon' starring Bruce Lee. Note carefully the scene as the fighters are on a boat heading to the secret island and Bruce is 'challenged' by the guy with the outrageuous accent who asks "What's your schtyle?". Bruce Lee answers "My style? Call it the art of fighting without fighting..." and then proceeds to get the guy into a small rowboat being towed behind the chinese junk.

From your original post, I'm figuring you're in your late teens, those are tough years for everyone, let alone those of us who are transgendered.

The mainstream media forces gender images down our throats constantly, your peers tend to gravitate towards the 'extremes' of either gender (The 'hot' cheerleader girls and the big 'macho' football jocks). They see that as the 'societal ideals' and end up judging, rating and measuring everyone on a scale that has only the two extremes and nothing in the middle.

It's an incredibly narrow viewpoint on life, and all part of the challenge of growing up in modern society.

If you aren't a part of the 'cliques' that form, you are constantly berated, put down and made fun of.

I hope that by coming here and facing your fears, you have realized that the world isn't like High School.

Why are you scared? Because no-one has ever told you otherwise. Most of the 'crap' that is fed to you day in and day out on television, on radio, and at school is not designed to make you feel good about yourself, it's designed to sell you something.

It's designed to sell you the idea that there is only *one* correct way to live.

The way that *they* live.

Why? Because *they* are scared. *They* are scared that you might just turn around and refuse to buy the crap that they are selling you.

They've been selling it to you since the day you were born.

"Girls play with dolls, boys play with toy soldiers"

"Boys don't cry" "Men hide their emotions" "Girls learn to cook and sew and change diapers"

It's all bullshit when you *truly* learn about it.

You've been 'sold' on a set of gender 'roles' that were invented as a means to 'control' the populace during the middle ages. You've been 'sold' on conforming to the viewpoints of people who are scared of change. You've been 'sold' on the idea that it's somehow 'inferior' to be a woman, and that men are somehow 'better'.

They aren't. We are all thinking, feeling, human beings.

Back to the physical prowess thing for a moment...

I'm a 6', 190 pound, adult male. I'm a father (and a grandfather). I've taught full contact martial arts (with weapons) for over a decade. My 25 year old stepson (who is 'macho' as they come) once called me 'the most dangerous man he knew'.

I haven't been in a street fight or bar fight since before you were born (The last time was shortly after my youngest daughter was born, she turns 21 this week).

However, I have had my ass *kicked* a few times since then.

Once in SCA full heavy combat (think full armor and weapons) by a 'slip of a girl' who was about 5' 4" and no more than 110 pounds.

Once by one of my students, a 5' 2" 95 pound girl of 14 years of age (after I spent six months training her).

I'm a 48 year old, 6', 190 pound martial arts instructor who spent four years in the army commanding a Chieftain tank with a freakin big gun up front.

I got my ass whupped by a 14 year old girl. The same girl who, after being trained by me, was able to whup a 6' 4" , 240 pound egyptian wrestler.

Do you honestly think I'm any less of a 'man' for that?

Do you honestly think that you are any less of a 'man' for knowing your own limitations?

'Dirty Harry', "A man has to know his limitations!"

Perhaps a better quote comes from Sun Tzu, "To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.".

(Sun Tzu wrote 'The Art of War', required reading at any military school)

Also, from Von Clausewitz...
"Two qualities are indispensable: first, an intellect that, even in the darkest hour, retains some glimmerings of the inner light which leads to truth; and second, the courage to follow this faint light wherever it may lead. "

(Von Clausewitz wrote "On war", also required reading)

So, don't be 'afraid' that " I'm softer or weaker and won't be able to fend for myself if lets say a fight breaks out.", but instead grow beyond that. It takes a stronger 'man' to NOT fight.

A strong 'man' is the one who can prevent the fight in the first place, or who can resist the temptation to use physical violence to stop one. There are better ways to stop a fight than simply leaping in and breaking heads.

It takes more courage to face your fears, than it does to use violence as a way to deal with them.

oh, and don't abandon the spiritual side either, Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha weren't exactly known for their ability to kick butt...

10-20-2004, 12:08 AM
<clapping....> Bravo!!! Bravo!!! <clapping...>

10-20-2004, 12:12 AM
Yeah I think I'm goin' to open up to that buddy of mine sometime soon. Maybe as soon as this weekend just to finally get it all off my chest and to have another person in person I can talk to about this sort of shit. I just hate feelin' like a liar.

To clear up my age on this, I'm 24. In high school, I dressed like as a male and didn't get any trouble from anyone. I went to school with very open people and the ones who weren't open...they were completely terrified of me because of my militant look. While that might have been my more comfortable environment at that age, I ended up moving to another state soon after. When I did, I decided that I would start my life fresh as a male as opposed to people knowing me as some crossdresser. It was easy to do in the beginning, but after 5 years of leading a straight girl's life at work, and a straight male's life socially and at home...it has been completely draining. At times I can be a "Screw what anyone else thinks" kinda person..especially regarding other matters, but revealing my true sexual identity is something I haven't been able to do. When I shower, it's pains me lookin' in the mirror. I'd gladly trade bodies with anyone on here if it were possible.

Marianne, you seem like a very strong person and I completely admire that. I do not think you are less of a man or anything. Gabriel, Theodora, Babe, Lily, Julie....seriously I thank you all for tryin' to help me and I wish you all luck with the issues in your lives. Julie, are you plannin' on doing the construction thing forever? If so, I hope you can also muster up the strength to be yourself even though it's really easier said than done. Double lives are super draining on anyone.