Coming out

[EllieMayxxx]

Hi, the last couple of days I have really wanted to tell my parents that i am transgender, but I couldn't because i was so nervous and I just didn't know what to say. I have thought about writing them a letter explaining everything about how I feel. They go to bed and wake up before me so they will see the letter the next morning. I feel like I need to tell them. Im also scared about how they will react but I just want to start living my life how it was supposed to be.

Thanks for reading
Charlotte

[Zooey]

I've come out to a LOT of people in person, but when I came out to my parents, I did it in a letter (well, email). I certainly was nervous to talk to them, but that's not why I did it that way. I wanted to be able to edit my thoughts, and make sure I was as clear and understandable as possible with the hugely important thing I was telling them. I also wanted them to have time to think about everything before they felt compelled to respond.

Later, after things had settled down, they told me they really appreciated being given that time.

There's no good (much less best) way to do this, so pick the one that makes you feel comfortable, and hopefully is also as respectful of them as possible - good luck.

[JanePeterson]

I think much depends on how you think they will react, and what you are hoping to get out of coming out. Are you nervous because you think they will have a poor reaction? If so, depending on your living/financial situation it may be better to wait, or at least plan the heck out of what you'll do given different scenarios.
What are your goals in telling them?

I'm my case, I had a good idea that my folks would be ok with it eventually, but looking back I maybe should have managed the message a bit better. My goal in telling them was to have someone to talk to while I deal with the fallout of this type of discovery (sometimes just need to call your mom!!) but really much of it became explaining to them what it means, and helping THEM deal with how it would impact their lives. In hindsight, I would have waited till I was in a better position emotionally before the reveal.

[EllieMayxxx]

Thanks Zoey, that's another reason why I couldn't do it face to face because I didn't want to make a mess of what I wanted to say so thats why I thought that this would be a better option for me. I will definitely try my best to be respectful of them.

I understand what you say Jane. I want to tell them so it doesn't feel like im hiding anymore and so i can explain to them how I feel and that i am still the same person. Im sure my parents will be fine with it because they are very open minded but with me being their child im just not sure how things will go.

[Nigella]

Personally, I would wait until I knew where I was on the transgender spectrum. In many of your recent threads/posts you have only just begun to explore your place on this spectrum. Once you have opened this particular bag, it can never be closed, it is something you really need to think about. How have you managed so far living with your parents?

I can understand your desire to be you 24/7, but what effect will this disclosure have on your current and or future situation.

Think carefully :hugs:

[Jennifer-GWN]

Charlotte;

When I did the big come out to my dad I was in a knot for quite some time. The topic had been broached many many years back in a different time and situation. My dads now 83 and we've slowly built a very good relationship since the passing of my mon several years ago. This was something I didn't want to impact at all. My approach was to draw help from other family members local who he admires and trusts to slowly warm him up to the fact that a big change was about to occur. To a degree he knew something was brewing... Parents always seem to know this stuff. When I finally arrived home, yes there was a bit of a reality gulp, but acceptance as well. It took a few months for him to call me by name and get pronouns right something I did not push or expect. He's also come to truly realize how happier and solid I am which has equally helped him.

Coming out, regardless of to who, takes a good deal of thought and preparation to find workable paths that lead to succes in both your eyes and theirs.

Best of luck in your continued journey.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Megan G]

Nigella makes a good point, your just beginning your journey and unless you are 110% sure you are TS I would avoid telling them. Once out its almost impossible to put the gene back in the bottle...

Now with that said, since your 19 I believe, unemployed and living with them (and I do not say that in a derogatory way) what is your relationship with them like? Is it possible to talk to them in a general sense and tell them you are questioning (or have issues with) your gender identity and would like their support to see a therapist so that you can work this out?

[MissDanielle]

Coming out is always huge. I did it in an email and in hindsight, I should have waited until moving but in coming out, it sped up the process of moving so that I can start hormones.

There was no way that I could cope for much longer. Three weeks from Monday, I can finally live my life.

[pamela7]

we all have to work out who and when to tell. This weekend I told my brother and other sister in person, so all the family now knows. Seems okay so far, I probably long ago managed to lose the types of people who'd not be accepting.

[MissDanielle]

I've only had to deal with one jerk so far.

[Zooey]

]I will definitely try my best to be respectful of them.

Thinking about this more, I want to clarify. This is, ultimately, about you and what you need to do. I believe it's important to be respectful of others, but that does not mean being accomodating.

Having gone and read more of your posts, I also agree with the others - I'd strongly encourage you to be a bit more sure of where you stand and who you are before coming out to your parents.

[PretzelGirl]

I am also going to say that each step of your path needs to be when you are sure it is the right thing to do. It is interesting that so many wrote a letter. I knew I had to tell my mother in person and I flew across the country to do just that. I lost it in the first few words and we hugged for a bit before I gathered myself and told her. It went well.

But I am also a planner. I wrote a schedule out for everything I was going to do. Part of it was to pace myself. Part of it was to know I told family early enough that they had time to adjust before I was full time (I wanted that, I wasn't asked). And no date was firm although I hit all but one, and it was only a 3 day change. It worked great for me, but you never know how it is for each person. So I wanted to offer that up as a possibility. A plan gave me comfort.

Decide what you are really doing, how you want to get there, and then go at a pace that is aware of any dysphoria, anxiety, and your transition plans. Sometimes we want to explode with telling everyone and sometimes that is a need. But if you can go forward in a thoughtful way, I believe it will help your outcomes.

[MissDanielle]

But I am also a planner. I wrote a schedule out for everything I was going to do. Part of it was to pace myself. Part of it was to know I told family early enough that they had time to adjust before I was full time (I wanted that, I wasn't asked). And no date was firm although I hit all but one, and it was only a 3 day change. It worked great for me, but you never know how it is for each person. So I wanted to offer that up as a possibility. A plan gave me comfort.

I agree with telling family early enough to adjust although with some of us, it's harder when we are living with them. Take me, for example. I'm still living with my parents for another three weeks and not being able to present myself as who I really am on the inside. Three more weeks and I'll be free to finally be me. Hormones appointment is set. Laser hair removal is set. The fun part will be getting my ears pierced at some point and learning makeup. I'm going to meet with a therapist and work on a plan to go full time and that also includes changing my name on social media.

My closest friends know and I still have a list of family members to tell (huge family, won't start telling the rest of 'em until after I move in case somebody calls and asks my parents about me).