Need advice regarding dating outside of marriage and Exploring TS spectrum

[Buhabkuss]

I know, that title huh?

I'll make a long story short but please feel free to ask away if a thought comes to mind.

My wife and I have been together for 12 years and have two kiddos.

Neither one of us ever thought we would evolve into the people we are today. I've been crossdressing to her knowledge for 10 years. She has recently come out as asexual with assurances it has nothing to do with my lady passenger. So, after 12 years, no more sex. She is open to me dating a man outside of the marriage but someone who we feel is a genuine friend to our family.

My question is how feasible would something like this be in reality? Not as far as whether we could emotionally handle it (we have covered boundaries etc) but rather, if there is anyone out there who would date a married crossdresser. Where would I even find such a person?

My next question is I have been thinking that if my wife and I plan on continuing to be married (we do), an alternative is for me to look into hormone therapy. There are a lot of reasons why I would want to do this but wonder if I would be disqualified for not identifying as female (I don't...yet). I may be naive here and need to learn a lot hence why I've come here for support. This opens the door to many complicated questions (would i tell my family, could i disguise changes to my body and still pass off my male self etc). right now, I'd like to narrow the focus as it pertains to my relationship with my wife. If Im not going to be having ex with her, why not reduce my testosterone levels, get some feminine qualities to boot?

So, that's what is on my mind. I look forward to conversing with you so I can start to really figure out how I can make this all work.

[Amy Lynn3]

As you stated, you have some very complicated issues. I know I am not qualified to answer any of them, however, this thought crossed my mind. Why not stay true to one another and put your energy into kick starting your marriage. My main thought is you had an original plan of a marriage for life, so why change now and go in different directions. I guess I am directing my comments at you, but knowing it depends on the choice your wife makes. Good luck in this.:)

[bok4fun]

I think you have posed a very interesting question. I wish I had some answers, but I am not even sure what to think of it right now. Therefore, I think I'll make some popcorn and sit back and watch.

[kittie60]

You have opened the proverbial Pandora's box on this one. First off there are websites for men who want to date or the.other part with CD:s. If you do this you have to be very careful. Craigslist is another one. And as far as thinking to transition, there are alot of tests and sessions with therapists and what have you.
You say your wife is a.sexual? ? So you to don't have sex anymore, Correct. And she is going to let you or wants you to do this??. I guess all I can say is it is feasible and if you want to do it go ahead but as I stated before, be very careful. Good luck to you

[Jenniferathome]

First, I can't imagine attempting to make something like this work. Second, the reason you gave of going on hormones would be the perfect reason to NEVER going on HRT. "Gee, I'm not having sex anyway, so I'll go on HRT." Really!?!? How is this even a remote "alternative"?

Why not start with working on the sex issue with a sex therapist?

[pamela7]

This is a huge subject, because what your wife might say before something happens and when it does could be very different. Once that door opens, it is less easily closed.
I'd suggest exploring your needs and sexuality with a counsellor first, but it is your life, and you family's.

[windycissy]

Your first question is more easily answered: yes, there are a surprising number of men who would be more than willing to date a married crossdresser...they are easy to find on Craigslist and other Internet dating sites. A lot of them are married men who are looking to take a walk on the wild side. CAUTION: the vast majority of men who respond you will want to avoid, for all sorts of reasons, but if you're super selective you might find a man worth spending some time with. You can expect them to want to see lots of pictures of you first, so if you're unattractive as a woman you won't have much luck. However, this doesn't meet your wife's criteria of dating someone who is a friend of the family, which seems to me to be hopelessly unrealistic.

Your second question gets you into the realm of professional help - hormones would be a big step, and you want to proceed very deliberately. Good luck!

[Dana44]

Trust in a marriage is so important. You say you do not feel female. There are some people who has two men and one woman and they are happy.One we know is a cross dresser and he does them both. She is happy with it. However it is not for everyone. I suggest you both go to a sex therapist and discuss that scenario. It will help you both. And I would try to revive your marriage anyways. I am Bi myself, and well trying to find a male that would be happy with another wife and kids will take you a long time. I currently have a girlfriend and women are far easier than men to deal with.

[Buhabkuss]

I sincerely appreciate all input and responses.

I will retract the second part of my first post and chalk that to the "need to talk to professional" which I can get done this week. She is open to going with me as this would not be our first rodeo (we had to wait a few months for visitation as we just switched to new insurance and are on a new wait list)

I have also taken aback on the "get marriage back on track" as we are actually on a path which sees us being more open to not just one another, more inportantly to ourselves. There was some astonishment on my end to her asexuality but in the end, I have to support her no matter what as she has done for me (and happily so). So no worries about she and i. We are supportive and as loving as we can be ...today.

So yes, you are all right that regardless what the topic, once you make a decision you cant undo (hornones, sex outside of marriage etc) it cannot be undone and there may be a sense of reality that hits one or both of us. We have explored a third wheel for a couple of years now without ever taking action but she understands that aa a sexual, I have a need that must be met as does she. With that said, we understand reality of any relationship changes as feelings are likely to get involved. Hence why we want to meet people we can truly strike a relationship with.

I dont think craigslist will be the platform for me. I will investogate other site but if anyone has a suggestion and can pm me, please do.

Again, thank you all very much. We will be careful and not make knee jerk reactions

[Patricia Johnson]

I would suggest checking into polyamorous groups in your city. I have a few friends who enjoy that lifestyle and it may offer you an alternative to craigslist.

[Katey888]

Sasha (do you still go by that..? :)) - it sounds like you're being very sensible about this and have got all the options covered yourself... The only place I see a significant question mark is where you already suggest your own naivety... You should really only be considering medical intervention if you have been through some serious gender counselling to understand what this all means to you. To me (and I appreciate this may be wrong, so please don't take offence) it comes across more as a reaction to your wife's declaration of asexuality.

I can understand that this would be a bit of a shock and probable deal-breaker for most relationships, but your desires sound more than just a CD/TG perspective, and the real conversations you should be having are with professional counsellors... I would caution against advice other than that, with the exception of perhaps some conversations in the TS section of the site... You sound very confused and you need to get that resolved before anything.. :hugs:

Katey x

[raeleen]

My wife and I have discussed similar wonderings, though it's actually more around both of us looking at monogamy as something that has boxed us in and not allowed us to really explore other personal relationships fully. It's definitely not for everyone, but those folks who do engage in relationships outside of marriage seem to be pretty content. My sense is that it's all about setting up appropriate boundaries and trust in the relationship. Your wife may be asexual, but I imagine that there are still strong emotional needs that you help her meet, and those are things that will always be there. As long as you're both clear on that and make sure you give attention to those needs, I think you'll be ok.

I do think that third person introduces a wild card feature to these types of relationships. You and your wife may have everything down and be ok, but you never know when you meet someone if they really are clear on what this type of relationship will be. You mention wanting someone who will be a genuine family friend. What if you approached it that way first. Started making friends with folks who know abuot your trans-identity and having them become friendly with the family before starting to date or do anything sexual?

Just a thought. Good luck!

[Sky]

The only way to know whether the water is cold or warm is to test it.

If you have never been with a man before, you shouldn't be getting ahead of yourself. Looks like you are willing to go through a long, winding path with your wife and a therapist, for something you don't really know whether you will like or not. Am I reading this right?

My advice: Do it. Test the waters. Then get your own opinions instead of ours, people you don't know with a million different life situations. Was the guy loving and sensitive or was he a total arse? Did you enjoy it or did you have a terrible time? Are you consumed with guilt afterward, or are you itching to do it again? After you have some answers then you will be in a better position to pick a path forward. Until then, it will only be fantasy & theoretical speculation.

[Tracii G]

This is what I see here:
You are just going thru some fantasy thing right now I would let it pass and see a sexual expert perhaps.
Going on hormones takes a Dr visit and gender therapist approval to see if you truly need them.
Using someone else to fulfill a fantasy (being with a man) is not something I would do. Then again I'm not into casual sex.

[docrobbysherry]

At first? I thot your thread was made up. But, if it's not:

If it's just about sex? There r ways and people u can find/hire for that.

Unless you both agree your marriage is over, I can't image bringing a 3rd party into your "sexless" relationship. It sounds like u may be using your SO's "condition" as an excuse to experiment with men for the first time? I wonder how much u r responsible for her asexuality?

I'd LOVE to hear her side of this!:brolleyes:

[Lorileah]

The way I understand the OP:

The marriage is still intact with certain caveats and outside activities being explored and approved
Let me say sex does not equal marriage, so I get where that is going. I know people who cannot have sex for whatever reason and their spouse gets a "Pass" to go out. I have seen it work (And addressing a poly relationship, that is different. Poly people are groups who stay within a group for purposes that include but are not limited to sex...they aren't random). So I can see this working if you establish guidelines (I know what mine would be, yours may vary)

You think that hormones would somehow help this adventure
More likely it would kill your desire. Estrogens do that. So let's address the getting of hormones and not being diagnosed with GD or as a TS. You can probably forget that. Physicians don't hand this stuff out like candy a Halloween (point is I have to see my endo in the next two months or I won't get them anymore).

Can you find someone?

within days. Can you find someone you can stick with? Probably not. Can you find someone willing to take advantage of you? Yes. What are you looking for exactly? Just sex? You can fulfill that easily. Companionship or at least someone who respects you? Unlikely at best. If you fall in love easily (and you can't be poly) you are going to crash like the Hindenburg.

My take? You have a huge fantasy of life and how things work. I know poly people (I Iz one as they say, I have a poly family). It requires that you have NO jealousy of the others. The polys I know also will kick you out if you play outside the group and in any way put them at risk in a HEARTBEAT. So finding a poly group or starting your own will be difficult from what I see in your post. I also see you have no idea where you are at this point. You want hormones but you don't want to transition. You want free sex but you are willing to take whoever comes . To be totally honest...you scare me. I am not one for traditional marriage although I have had two. So moralistically, I don't care if you have a play partner. But I do think you need to stop and look around and get some bearings. You're sailing without a rudder right now and there are rocks nearby. I see a big train wreck coming if you don't slow this down and think of consequences.

[Buhabkuss]

Thank you all for the responses. :)

[sometimes_miss]

I've known several people who had 'open' marriages, and none of them lasted more than a few years. Perhaps if you only date guys randomly it might work; some men are able to avoid any emotional connection to sexual partners. But romantic relationships with others are pretty much the death of a marriage.

[Buhabkuss]

I hear ya but I am trying to avoid conjecture and anecdotes at this point and was aiming to find a way to start a conversation online with people who have like minded interests in hopes of getting to meet them.

I did not mean to start a thread about why my wife's and my marriage is "falling apart" and why I may or may not have been bisexual or exploring other parts of my identity. I need to be more careful in how I frame questions from here on out and what I ask. It is easy to conflate aspects of LGBT together while forgetting that some people are for some aspects of the community but not all.

It is quite the sensation to hear a fellow lady proclaim how something is scary or strage while ignoring the irony of a world outside their door that thinks the same about them.

Some interesting things to take away from the conversation for now.

[ReineD]

First part: how feasible is going outside the marriage. Very, as long as you and your wife agree on the rules. There are lots of websites about open marriages and best practices to navigating this, even if your wife prefers to no longer have sex. And yes, you will be able to find a lot of willing male partners. Also, as Pamela suggests, take it slowly with lots of communication with your wife. Sometimes we think we're OK with something until it actually happens.

Second part: hormones. I'm glad you've decided to see a professional. While you wait for the appointment, you might read up on the effects of HRT on male bodies, if only as a source of questions for your therapist. Sexual functioning will diminish. You can always find a doctor who will prescribe hormones, they're not all gate-keepers. As to continuing to be able to present as a male, this all depends on your genes. If you want to feminize your body in order to enhance your sexual experience with men, you may find this counter-productive unless you are planning on a full transition. Also, if after some years you find that you would like a committed partnership with someone who is into you sexually (this can happen despite one's best intentions to stay with an asexual partner), then finding a committed male partner who is willing to bring you to the company Christmas party and meet his family is a different story than finding one who only wants to have sex, although things could be changing among Millenials, I don't know.

Effects of HRT in a nutshell:
http://micheleomara.com/services/transgender/feminizing-hrt-for-male-to-females/

More in depth. Be sure to read all links at the top, sections 1 to 6:
http://www.transgendercare.com/medical/resources/tmf_program/tmf_program_6.asp

[Jackie7]

raeleen wrote, "You mention wanting someone who will be a genuine family friend. What if you approached it that way first. Started making friends with folks who know abuot your trans-identity and having them become friendly with the family before starting to date or do anything sexual?"

we have seen this work, but Raeleen has it right: come out to your friends, and find new friends both as a couple and from your girl side. then see who you like and who likes you both. lots of poly exemplars out there on the fringes. not our cup of tea, but triads seem to work rather well, provided everyone's needs genuinely get addressed. Gonna require good and deeply honest communication though, lots of it.

[CarlaWestin]

Why is there always this desire to drive the train at full throttle knowing very well there are tight curves in the tracks ahead?
As I've correctly mentioned many times, unless you are single and without children in the house, crossdressing and all of the peripheral desires, have to take a back seat.
Former commitments like oh, I don't know, marriage vows and children, are the high priorities you've already committed to.
At times, I just think that the male bravado and ego drive the whole fem desire thing but, I might be wrong.

[Buhabkuss]

At times, I just think that the male bravado and ego drive the whole fem desire thing but, I might be wrong.

The male bravado and ego can also drive someone to proclaim (using conjecture) that blanket statements used in any context make them right "many times" to a random person on a message board they know little about. That post did not help or contribute at all.

[JeanTG]

At times, I just think that the male bravado and ego drive the whole fem desire thing but, I might be wrong.

I can't say of male bravado is driving my desires, but I can say that one of life's lesson learned in my marriage (the hard way; nearly divorced, but reconciled as we both got over ourselves), is "it isn't all about me". Though I have gender dysphoria, though I love to dress up, though I love to explore my femininity, my wife married, or *thought* she married, a man. She owns what turns her on, and off, and I have to respect that just as she respects me and realizes that I at least need to underdress. It's give and take. I would love to be castrated and have HRT and go full-time and see where that takes me, but I do believe in a marriage we each co-own each others's bodies, and I cannot modify something without the consent of the co-owner.

So I am her man when I am with her, and I am a woman on my own time. It hurts, its confusing, and sometimes it's tough and sometimes you just want to burst you want to be femme so bad but can't. But again, it isn't all about me... and I have to own up to my responsibilities as husband and father if I want to continue being married to the woman I love.

[flatlander_48]

I have also taken aback on the "get marriage back on track" as we are actually on a path which sees us being more open to not just one another, more inportantly to ourselves.

Yes, I noticed that also. Missed the fine print, I guess


There was some astonishment on my end to her asexuality but in the end, I have to support her no matter what as she has done for me (and happily so). So no worries about she and i. We are supportive and as loving as we can be ...today.


This is an interesting point. Said another way, how can we expect our partners, families, etc. to be tolerant, accepting and supportive if we are not willing to reciprocate as needed? Simply put, we cannot.

DeeAnn

[heatherdress]

Buhabkuss - You both need professional counseling and medical advise, not random opinions from well-intentioned web-site members. You have two kiddos involved, too.

[Sarasometimes]

Curious,
Is your wife OK with you having a woman to have sex with? You mention no more heterosexual sex due to her "asexuality" and she offers/suggest you have homosexual sex just out of the blue? I'm confused. I noticed in 2011 you posted about going to a gay club and being groped, I guess we have some catching up to do.
This sounds too convoluted, complicated and out of my comfort zone. My advice is counselling to just know where you two are currently at, especially with 2 kiddos, which sounds to me like they are sort of young. How this all plays out could have effects on them too. IMHO