Trying to understand myself

[daphne_L]

Here is a series of statements I adjusted till I was comfortable they reflected the way I truly felt. The first half are feelings in relation to being a woman, the second half are in relation to being a man.

I very rarely feel like I am a woman.
I rarely wish I was a woman full time.
I sometimes wish I was a woman most of the time.
I often wish I was a woman part of the time.
I usually feel that dressing as a woman satisfies deep emotional needs.
I usually wish I were happy just being a man.
I often feel comfortable that I am a man.
I sometimes feel glad that I am a man.
I rarely feel that I don't want to be a man.
I very rarely feel that I am not a man.

I don't really need comments(though I would be happy to read them), I just wanted to say this "aloud" to be sure I really meant it. So, thanks for listening!

Daphne

[GeorgeA]

Daphne,

To describe me, I would change first five qualifiers to "never" and the last five to "always".

I am a man and just because I dress in what is commonly perceived "female attire" does not change that. I wish it were acceptable for me to dress like that all the time.

I do not desire to be a woman, or to look like one, but I also do not hate being a man. Just let me dress the way I want and like.

[L0vleyme]

Pulled right from my noggin!

I generally wish I could just wake up and be whatever I felt at the moment... but.. testosterone

[CarlaWestin]

So, you requested no comments..........

:straightface:

[daphne_L]

No, I said I don't need them. I would be happy to have them. I was trying to make clear that I wasn't "fishing" for comments. I would love to hear what you have to say, just don't feel like you have to say something to make me feel validated in what I said.

Daphne

[Samantha Clark]

I'll jump in and just say that this rings pretty close to how I am too.

[Dana44]

I feel the same way, But sometimes my GD is pretty telling. It is the life of a gender fluid person.

[Robin414]

Great post Daphne, saying things 'out loud' to people who are listening and supportive is great therapy, thank you for sharing! I think you're looking for someone to listen more than advice and I hear ya!

[ReineD]

Wow, I only want to comment on your writing style. You've managed to give a concise picture of an ever changing crossdressing landscape. You've captured the ebb and flow moments in a way that I think will resonate with many non-TS members here. Congratulations! :)

[Kimberley May]

I am happy to stay male, I've no interest in becoming a woman for real, I don't fancy guys, I fancy women. Having said this, I constantly wear my full silicone breast forms, I am right now. I'm still trying to understand why this is.

Perhaps it's some need for permanent female company as I've had a lifetime of loneliness. Even my last relationship which lasted for 7 years had a 4500 mile distance between us, so most of the time it was webcam chat. Or maybe I just love wearing women's fashion including the hairstyles. because it looks and feels so much nicer. Maybe because of the designs of the dresses and blouses to accommodate breasts, as they are obviously designed for women and not men, the breast forms are kind of needed to give the full effect, possibly?

Or maybe I'm just playing out a sexual fantasy. Many guys (including myself) love a bit of lesbian porn now and again. So maybe I fantasize about being part of that fantasy, being with a woman dressed as I am.

Afterthought... Being cleft palate and slightly speech impaired, I always felt unattractive ever since I was a teenager with a natural interest in females. I never had any luck, even ridiculed by chicks I fancied, as if I was some kinda creep. I seriously lacked confidence for many years. I had my first relationship was when I was 29 which ended very badly. I did briefly dabble a little growing up and in my twenties, and although I have had relationships since and currently in my 3rd one, I still feel as a guy, quite unattractive, I came back into it when I split with my 2nd partner after 7 years, kinda figures really. Perhaps this is my way of consoling myself, or trying to reinvent myself through my appearance. I've had lots of compliments and interest from guys, just a shame that I haven't had any from women yet.

I feel such a tricky one to suss out that I'm having bother too.

[Emily W]

Hi Daphne, Thanks for sharing it is interesting (to me anyway) to see how people are feeling about their particular circumstances.

Self-reflection is a great way to see where one is at a point in time. Come back and re-read your post in three, six, nine and 12 months and re-evaluate your statements. You may find each statement reflects differently from the last, dependent on where you are at that particular point in time.

[S. Lisa Smith]

I think this is an excellent exercise! I have never analyzed how I feel in a systematic manner. Thanks for the opportunity!! This is how I feel.

I very rarely feel like I am a woman. I feel like a woman when I am dressed
I rarely wish I was a woman full time.I never wish I was a woman full time.
I sometimes wish I was a woman most of the time.I never wish I was a woman most of the time.
I often wish I was a woman part of the time.I sometimes wish I was a woman part of the time.
I usually feel that dressing as a woman satisfies deep emotional needs.Same
I usually wish I were happy just being a man.I never wish I were happy just being a man.
I often feel comfortable that I am a man.I always feel comfortable as a man.
I sometimes feel glad that I am a man.I always feel glad I am a man.
I rarely feel that I don't want to be a man.I never feel that I don't want to be a man.
I very rarely feel that I am not a man.I never feel that I am not a man.

[Secret Sis]

I've thought of this in the past and have to agree completely... I have no desire to be or even look like a woman, I just love wearing pretty feminine things. I'm very happy being a man and would never want that to change.

[wanda66]

Salerba and Lisa comments summed it up.
one last thought ..?..don't over think it ..you are who you are enjoy life.

[Mayo]

Interesting way of looking at the situation.

I rarely feel like I am a woman.
I sometimes wish I was a woman full time.
I sometimes wish I was a woman most of the time.
I often wish I was a woman part of the time.
I often feel that dressing as a woman satisfies deep emotional needs (though it doesn't really satisfy them, it's just an attempt to).

I rarely wish I were happy just being a man (because most of the time I am fairly happy that way).
I usually feel comfortable that I am a man (but not always).
I usually feel glad that I am a man (because, y'know, privilege).
I sometimes feel that I don't want to be a man.
I almost never feel that I am not a man.

[heatherdress]

Daphne - A great self-awareness exercise. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. A question might be "What do you do with this?" Personally, I do not find myself feeling like a woman, even if dressed like one, so the range of wishes and feelings would be rather limited to dressing like a woman options.

Your sentiment about dressing satisfying "deep emotional needs" stands out as being quite different than the other feelings spectrum options because it suggests an important reason for crossdressing (deep emotional needs) and, perhaps, an awareness, for some, that their emotional needs are deeper than dressing like a woman.

[donnaS]

I wish to be female all the time. If I could SRS would be on the way. I hate the male thing I'm stuck in. I do love my daughter and that's the best thing I got out of the male side.
For me. I'm working on partial transition. At least HRT. Where it leads from there,we shall see.

[Confucius]

You sound like those who describe themselves as a "man in a dress". I'm there too.
I would also add that I do not have a female side with "needs". I just enjoy the feel of wearing feminine clothes. Why? Because my brain is hardwired to release "feel good" neurotransmitters when I crossdress. It's as if my brain is hardwired to interpret crossdressing as contact with a female.

So why do you adopt a female name????

[Sky]

I don't really feel like a woman. On a great makeup day, I might feel I sorta kinda look like one but that's all. We could ask Shania Twain -man, she feels like one.