HRT, GD, and tolerating life pre transition

[JanePeterson]

Good evening!

So, I'm hanging on day to day here until my HRT appointment next month. Presenting female provides me with some temporary relief, but due to some employment/community restrictions, I'm forced to either hide out at Home or present male to do anything.

Additionally, work requires me to fill a pretty macho role, for days/weeks at a time with no privacy or relief.

So far, I've been going day to day... Some being better than others, but each time I'm faced with another stretch of presenting male I'm finding my GD/anxiety is escalating pretty fast. Body dysphoria is becoming much more acute... And thoughts about "other" solutions have become a bit more common.

My concern is that if this continues, and I can't hold things together, then I'm looking at one hell of a spectacular "loss pileup" which I may or may not survive.

Ok, back to the question- ALL my hopes and plans here are kind of revolving around HRT calming me down and allowing me to function until I can execute a controlled transition. Is that a good plan? Or is it possible not to get any or limited relief from hormone replacement?

If it's common to not get relief with HRT alone vice full transition, I Need to build a strategy to deal with that, but if I make preps to eject from the plane here it's going to strain my marriage to the breaking point.

*edit* to clarify, an accelerated transition timeline would require outing myself at work and in community, which would be a very public/(maybe even publicized?) and extremely disruptive process, and almost certainly would lead me to be reassigned/transferred someplace else. My SO just started a small business here and is integrating into the community... So obviously this would significantly impact her directly. Getting transferred would prompt immediate explanations from all family members and friends... Y'all get the picture. My plan for this would be... I don't know? Not good- maybe keeping a couple hundred bucks in the glove compartment or something? Like planning for thermonuclear attack by selecting a good sunscreen...

Thanks everyone in advance!!

Jane

[PretzelGirl]

This is something that varies greatly between us. It is common for HRT to give some relief. It is also common for GD to still exist after transition at some level. It takes a while to settle everything down Every effort you make may contribute to giving you relief. I would start working your plan and you can either ride with it if the GD is at a manageable level or you can accelerate or shuffle efforts if the GD is out of control.

Definitely be in therapy for the duration of your transition and at least a little beyond. I know I had times I walked in with my therapist and he would ask how I was doing and I would say I was doing good. But even when it goes good, I was very glad to have that available. And sometimes they see something in us we don't, so it is a great check-up.

[Badtranny]

HRT will very likely help a bit, but I would also suggest a hobby until you can take some steps toward transition.

You really need to redirect some energy into something productive like learning an instrument or another language. I'm not very well versed in these kinds of intense dysphoria episodes like you describe. I kinda think there might be some other issue mixed up in there somewhere but that's only because I can't imagine feeling that way.

Have you thought about at least starting electrolysis? That's something that needs to be started as soon as possible and it's totally under the radar.

[JanePeterson]

Have you thought about at least starting electrolysis?

Had a couple sessions so far... Looking forward to them helps a small amount, but honestly the level of discomfort, seeing the tiny patch that was removed, and watching it grow back in full force a few days later has not been very encouraging yet.

I know this is a marathon, and I need some endurance strategies... But right now I feel like I'm being chased by a bear- hard to focus on breathing/foot placement and all the other finer points...

I hope there are other issues at work here, as pretty much any other explanation could potentially lead to a graceful resolution to this mess... (Like, one that doesn't involve public shaming etc) but so far in therapy I haven't found anything else to explain it.

[MissDanielle]

I've found that my guitar has been a great way to take my feelings out on rather than vent at friends. Or retail therapy by shopping in-store (I seriously need to stop buying any more clothing until I move).

I'm not sure what else I can offer other than to wish you the best of luck and to hang in there. I'm taking things day by day and as of tomorrow, I will reach my first major goal of making it to a friend's wedding. I now have to push forward another three weeks and tolerate things as best as I can.

[I Am Paula]

Hrt may get rid of all the GD, but YMMV.
I think you are way over estimating the reaction of your work, and community. People transition all the time, it's not a big deal anymore. Your community- they probably won't even notice.
I completely understand, your mind is spinning around right now. GD is a bitch, but worry about yourself now, others later. You'll probably find them on your side when the time comes.

[Heidi Stevens]

I'm 10 months on HRT and I'm presenting male to maintain my marriage. I've had nothing but great results stopping the GD since I started HRT. I've been holding at my current level since I will not be going "full time" any time soon. But it is enough that when I dress, I do it because I want to, not have to. But as they say, YMMV.

[PaulaQ]

HRT and going fulltime helped me a lot. I didn't try HRT alone, so I can't comment on how long it would've held me.

I can tell you that being fulltime, starting HRT, doing electrolysis didn't stop my gender dysphoria. It greatly arrested it, but it didn't stop.

I obviously made it two years after I started HRT - that's when I had GRS. I felt increasingly bad prior to surgery. I believe I would've survived until my original surgery date, which was scheduled for this upcoming Feb 9.

I'm uncertain I'd have survived another year, and completely certain that I'd have ended my life before another two years had elapsed. Over time, I got a sense of how rapidly my discomfort increased vs. my ability to tolerate it. For a time after I started transition, it felt like the clock had stopped. As I continued to experience GD, I realized it hadn't, as the frequency and intensity of what I experienced increased. (The dreams were the worst.)

Hon, I think you are a ticking time bomb, like I was. Don't count on any single measure in transition to hold you for an extended period of time. Your death by suicide will be far more disruptive to your spouse than any transition. HRT will probably buy you some time. If it doesn't, then I'm very sorry but if you are at all like me, you'll attempt to take your life.

So let's assume it buys you time. You'd be wise to use that time to do whatever you need to do to transition. Because it isn't a fast process, and your time can run out before you get treatment you may need.

Your employment status, your marriage, your status in the community don't matter anymore when you are dead. Do not let these things distract you until you can no longer tolerate life. As for your wife, as cruel as this sounds, your transition is no worse for her than your suicide. Indeed its probably less so, although she might not recognize that. (Mine didn't.)

I'm not saying you have to do something tomorrow, but you are, in a very real sense, in a race against time. Once you start HRT, you may well find its relief to be temporary. Even if you don't, you are in a race against coming out in a planned and orderly fashion, versus being outed involuntarily by the changes to your body.

Time is not your friend.

[pamela7]

i so get the ticking time bomb - i'm watching the paint dry as i await appointments and results - nothing can come fast enough.
The system needs a way to deal with us late-onset/late-realisation folk, cos once we open up we're on full-throttle.

[MissDanielle]

I've been a ticking time bomb since November. Three more weeks...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

use your energy to plan your best course..

think in terms of success and future goals so that the momentbymoment suffering has some other outlet... think to yourself...I'm soooooo frustrated, but in the future.... it can help...


it may sound cliche, but this thought/observation may also have value to you..

gender dysphoria is not something you fight.....if you fight it, it always wins... it wears you down....and it feeds off your anxiety and desperation...

turning the other way (by getting a real hobby...binge watch a couple shows ...get into a long video game...learn piano...i'm dead serious) works alot better..

and when you turn feel free to consider how the real you has a future and think positively about it as if its a certainty that you are living in the future as a successful woman...

if you FEEL like you are making progress...you ARE making progress...... and GD doesnt like progress....

[LeaP]

I'm not so sure about the hobby and distraction recommendations. They are worth trying, but many find these fall away after starting HRT. That's partly because they represent prior failed attempts to do what is being suggested. That was my experience, anyway. That said, a few interests have survived. If you can figure out which those are, perhaps that will help.

HRT will almost certainly provide some relief, at least in the short to medium term. Most report an initial period of euphoria (psychological) followed by a period of feeling normal. While it will take down some of the secondary psychological effects of the dysphoria, it is important to realize that it cannot relieve the cause if it is a fundamental disconnect between mind and body. THAT it will clarify – if not sharpen.

BTW – electrolysis progress is not judged by hair regrowth so much as it is the area covered by the technician in a session. Your tech will perceive the density change long before you will.

[Eringirl]

Jane, for me, HRT on its own did provide a great deal of relief from GD....certainly enough to allow me to calm down about all of this and plan for the future. So that may help you as well. Now, I am able to concentrate much better and make a plan and work it. Don't get me wrong, I still have a lot of GD from body issues (95% of which SRS should help with), but I am in a much better place that I was. Electro and Laser certainly helped as I was able to see improvements. But yes, they will be small but they are there, and certainly better than doing nothing. At least you are active in your transition, and this is a good thing.

And ya, the hobby thing??? For me, music was a big help, both playing and listening. In some ways, I am fortunate that I live alone, as I can do pretty much what I please. So, if I want to play music at mid-night, I can. It I want to lay on the couch and just listen, really listen, to music I can. That is so awesome to do!!

We are all impatient and know it is a marathon, not a sprint. We would all like to find that magic pill to make it all happen quickly. But there isn't, so we do the next best thing. We plan, work on a few aspects as a time, each day, a little more closer to our goal. You are farther ahead than you were 6 months ago, and 6 months from now, you will be farther ahead still. How much??? That is up to you and how you chose to manage your situation. Only you can decide how best to do that.

But keep us in the loop.....You are not alone.....

[arbon]

My early transition period was a real mess. HRT was great but it just made the rest of it more urgent, it was not enough by itself, and everything went out of control quickly. It all worked out over time but it was a ride.

[Kate T]

Jane

Take a BIG DEEP BREATH and a step back. It WILL be OK. Trust in that.

HRT helped me........ for a while. Personally I suspect the reason it helps initially is it seems like a concrete step to transition. However I must admit after about 6 months when my body and brain seemed to go "Oh, wow, this is awesome, so this is how I was supposed to be" then I couldn't wait to go full time. The stars aligned for me. BUT I will say my wife and I had worked on this emotionally for almost 4 years to get to that point. AND there were still a couple of times even on HRT that she asked me to slow down a fraction and give her a chance to catch up.

To me it seems that you desperately need someone real to support and help you. As much as everyone on here will do their very best and truly wishes you well, we aren't real in your world, we aren't physically there. You need someone to go "yes, your beard is getting less" or "no don't hold your arms that way and stop constantly touching your hair!" or "your makeup skills are getting much better". We can't really do that remotely. You need someone physically there.

Finally it sounds like you want to stay with your wife and she is trying to establish herself in your community? If that is the case then concentrate on making yourself indispensable in the community and at work. You are going to have to work twice as hard and not receive recognition for it. Volunteer at your kids school or in community groups but never be showy, do the hard yards in the back room that only the people in the know appreciate. Because when it comes time to transition those people will be your allies. They may not understand you but they will back you up 110%.

I was going to transition whether I could do HRT or not (I have a chronic liver disease and we were worried that HRT may have caused significant illness for me). What I am trying to say above is that while HRT is helpful don't put all your eggs in to the HRT basket. Personally I think 90% of transition is NOT physical, it is social, psychological and emotional. HRT, electrolysis etc. will take time (and contrary to what Paula has said, your young, you do have time on your side), in the meantime start working on the other elements of transition, the social, emotional and relationship elements, so that when the HRT and electro etc. do kick in, your ready to go.

[JanePeterson]

i think what I'm experiencing as GD is different than what most people go thru... for me, its not a slow burning disappointment with my body or even a poignant reaction to gender cues/roles (i get those too but they aren't the primary source of my concern here).

For me, when faced with returning to male mode, i get really overwhelming feelings of panic, sadness, and fear - these feelings are completely dissociated from any specific cause or thoughts... but they prompt strong negative thoughts once they come on. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is spilling your coffee and 10 is watching your parents get killed, id place these feelings at about 7-8 with occasional spikes higher. Recently had some major squirming gross outs with my own anatomy - this is a new one, so i don't know if its part of the package or just a one time deal... but it was new and not pleasant.

Ive tried lots of distractions to deal with them, exercise being the primary one (could stand to drop a few pounds anyway) - almost 0 change. I am just exhausted and freaked out.

My work is something that is really hands on and engaging, and when I'm there it requires total focus - the moments where I'm around other people and engaged help me keep my emotions contained, but they don't go away, and when I get into privacy usually leads to a collapse of some kind. when I'm not in front of other people, I'm pretty much just sitting in my chair unable to do anything. my job is also one where unscheduled time off and medical absences are not possible; any indication of mental issues/stability will likely have me fired pretty quickly. I would be more specific, but I'm not comfortable talking about the details on the open forum since id be pretty easily traceable at that point. part of me wonders if i should be fired or step down just because i am compromised...

Ive tried drinking LOTS of alcohol... even tried staying drunk for a while - didn't change these feelings at all (not a good option for me anyway as a major dependency issue would bring on more of the negative consequences I'm working to avoid here)

The only relief I am able to find is from coming home and putting on the costume.. and that isn't complete either (but usually much better)

at this point, I think I need to start preparing for the worst case scenario. I don't want to - i really want to make it to a point where i can control how this goes a least a little bit, cause if I don't its going to hurt much much worse for both me and my wife- but I'm starting to realize that the (sorry for using this one AGAIN) pin of the tranny grenade is already in my hand pretty much... and i can't hold the trigger down forever.

thanks everyone... another component of my job is that i move all the time, so i don't really have a "community" so to speak since I'm always on the move, and most of my few friends are part of the same organization as me, meaning relying on them for support could seriously jeopardize my position if someone reacted poorly.

i really appreciate and value your suggestions and advice - i know this is a well beaten path, but damn is it steep going!!!!!!

Jane


Edit*** I never saw my parents being killed, just thought that up as an example of the worst possible emotion/ not knowing everyone's background I wanted to apologize in advance if that was/is insensitive or cruel to use as an example.

[Katrina26cd]

I hope Hrt offers some relief for you.

It must be really hard for you in your position. I have been a mess since before Christmas and I think the only reason I have been able to deal with it for so many years is I always keep a little bit of my female side around on a daily basis if you are having to keep it put away for weeks at a time the GD is probably crushing you. I certainly wouldn't know how to deal with it.

[JanePeterson]

Slight distraction/humor from my dark post here... Had to go in for dental check up/cleaning... And after a nice visit with a really sweet hygienist... At the end of my visit she opens up the goodie drawer.. And she says "Oh, I guess you would like a BLUE toothbrush, right??" Like it was a baby shower - I admit I'm likely hyper sensitive, but it was definitely a moment of gender affirmation and I could not believe that gender goes as deep as toothbrush color... Just wow!!!

[MissDanielle]

I've been a mess since December myself and pushed myself to reach a friend's wedding this evening.

[LeaP]

One thing that helped me was writing. Try a journal.

Another was mindful meditation. I was ill-equipped to deal with the flood of emotions that accompanied the crisis period and I was barely able to describe or trace them.

Both help give form to what is otherwise just suffering.

[Badtranny]

i think what I'm experiencing as GD is different than what most people go thru... .

No.

One of the most liberating things for me was realizing that I wasn't alone. The girls here were like a beacon for me and since I've been "in the scene" I have met other girls in person that have very similar feelings. Turns out I wasn't so special after all, and it was really great to find that out.

Stop feeling like a lone wolf. There's at least 5 other broads (or TS dudes) on this forum who are experiencing some of the same stuff you are. They probably feel like they're the only one too.

We're all unique and different, just like everyone else.

[Zooey]

i think what I'm experiencing as GD is different than what most people go thru... for me, its not a slow burning disappointment with my body or even a poignant reaction to gender cues/roles (i get those too but they aren't the primary source of my concern here).

I don't think it's very different at all from what I was experiencing prior to HRT/transition, with the exception that I might have rated the pain 1-2 points lower. Then again, I started transitioning when it was a 6-7, and it was getting worse up until that point, so... yeah. I hear you, and I'm sorry.

It's all down to perspective, and everything's relative, but you're definitely not alone.

The most important thing is to learn to relax, and find the value in progress. If you're constantly evaluating yourself against the absolute bar of where you ultimately hope to end up, you're in for a rough ride. If you can learn to appreciate the small differences over time (sometimes VERY small), you will find yourself with a broken stream of small rewards. It won't be steady, but you'll need those little wins to help offset the setbacks and the times where it feels like nothing is happening.

HRT, and transition in general, is a long-haul situation. Right now, a few of the newest women on the forum (yourself included) are ether racing towards HRT or wishing they could be. HRT can be (and certainly is, for me) a great thing, and will hopefully help you, but the first thing that happens after you get on HRT is absolutely nothing.

[arbon]

Like these women have said nothing so unique in what you are going through.
Hrt seems a big thing but know it is just the begining of a very long, often curvy road.

[Eryn]

Everybody's perception of their GD is different, due to a variety of personalities, priorities, and outlooks.

I've managed to keep mine under control, but it is always there. Oddly, I'm so busy at work that it seldom bothers me there. It is when I get a chance to relax a bit that it hits me hardest.

My approach is to do what I can and not dwell upon on those things that I cannot do.

Electrolysis was a biggie. Yes, the process is long and not terribly pleasant, but you will see results. Yes, they take a while but you will see them. Having a smooth face was very big for me. It changed a hour-long makeup routine that made me feel like Tammy Faye just to be somewhat passable into a "put on lipstick and go" situation. The best time to start electrolysis is two years ago. The next best time is right now.

HRT did not result in any immediate change in mindset. the effect is very subtle, but I find that after a few months I am slower to anger, less aggressive, and calmer. Definitely a good thing. Physical effects are also subtle, but I now have roughly an A-cup where I was totally flat before. My face has filled out a bit and minimized some deep wrinkles in my cheeks and forehead. My arm and leg hair has become much thinner and reverted to more of a vellus nature. I still epilate, but no longer on a weekly basis. Hair "down below" is also finer and softer. Mimi says that I have had some regrowth of the spots where I was thinning.

The advice to take up a hobby is a good one. I've been taking lessons in a performance art, and I take them in female mode. This was a huge confidence builder. It is one thing to interact with salespeople and waiters, another thing entirely to discuss technique and actually perform in front of others. I'm also getting involved in a women's group related to the art. I spend at least one night a week at the club watching others perform or taking classes. Waiting in line for performances allows me to strike up conversations with others and practice my communication skills.

I've been seeing a therapist once per week. I'm not sure that this is imperative, but I like having someone independent with whom to share my ideas and concerns. It certainly doesn't hurt.

To me, every tiny step toward my goal is counted as a win. Silly things like deciding not to remove nail polish before going to a local coffee shop count as wins, because they are small tokens of progress.

[debstar]

GD for me is looking and all the beutiful young women who have amazingly natural feminin beuty (both inner and outer) and trying to come to terms and reconcile the fact that transition will not alow me a true second chance at life.

I feel a sense of loss for what could have been and that in turn translates in to doubts about transitioning at all.

So much regret can be felt in dweling on the idea, that at my age, i was in some way robbed of my youth. Spending my life to date in complete denial has not helped.

Having said that I am not bitter. I know now I must make the best of the years I have left, moving forward I want to finally be happy for once. I will never be a super model.

If one day I can be desirable to one man then one man is enough for me.

Jane I hope you do hang on, many before you have not been able to and it is always a waste winding up as a statistic.

Debs.

[Contessa]

Hi
I'm always with being sneaky. I could have at the beginning of my transition. But I believe you can always get out, if you can find away/place to do your makeup like any lgbtq spot. or even a lgbtq friendly spot to do your makeup and undo your makeup so you can get out. But you really must do what you think would be easy. If you can't transition right now figure out how to make yourself happy. You look like a very beautiful women be proud and get out and find a hideout and learn quick makeup techniques. So you can beat the GD back a bit. You'll have to come up with what you will do, I am just suggesting.


Take care
Contessa

[kiwidownunder]

Dressing full time at home helped
Starting laser hair removal helped for awhile
But I'm a driven goal set person when I decide something I just get laser focused
I have learnt if I want to keep my marriage strong and intact I need to slow things down a lot to let everyone catch up
So HRT is on the table at the moment but not yet agreed
When GD really hits hard I think about how would I deal with the situation if it was my wife transitioning seem to calm me down for some reason

Kiwi

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Hi Jane, I think I know how you feel in some ways as my HRT appt. is still 2 weeks away and it can't seem to get here fast enough. Had to wait about 60 days to get in. I am out to half of my friends and family (the easy ones I suppose) and have practical life issues that make it wise to hold off on going full time for a few more months. It is just extremely frustrating at this stage and it makes normal functioning difficult at times. Can't say I am depressed or even unhappy but I am operating at about 50% of my normal capacity to get things done I fear. I have been told by many gals that have been on HRT for a while that they experienced a significant sense of calmness and contentment within weeks of starting HRT. Hope that works that way for you and me both.
Hugs,
Stephanie

[JanePeterson]

thanks everyone for the replies!

I probably could have worded my second post a bit better... By saying my GD is different implies that I have any idea what others are feeling... And that is definitely wrong! When I wrote that I was in a really bad place mentally, and at the time my goal was to try and communicate how acutely disturbing my feelings were - maybe calling it GD at all was incorrect, but given the similar experience with a few others I've talked to, and the almost light switch response to presenting female on the feelings, it's the only term I can think of...

The last two days have been better, to the point where I feel like I can do this, but who knows how I'll feel tomorrow.

Now that the dam has burst, trying to hold on to my previous self/path may end up being impossible... But I'll keep clinging for a bit longer, and take those small steps towards the next stage.

Therapist suggested writing a letter from "sane" Jane to "anxious whacko" Jane and explaining to her why she needs to cool it - sounded kinda hokey at first, but I'm gonna try - just looking back at my thoughts Sunday pm-Monday it's strange how uncharacteristic and strange they were. Hopefully i can get thru to myself!!

Thanks again!!

Jane

[Katrina26cd]

I understand how you feel sometimes the wave of emotions takes you on a downward spiral and you cant think rationally but after you calm down you can think things through and you dont feel like chicken little

[JanePeterson]

evening!

I'm on a downward oscillation again here - two weeks from today I hope to be starting HRT... And I'm hoping so hard that it helps with the anxiety.... It's like I have emotional sea-sickness, and nobody can stop the roller coaster to let me off! I'm barely functional at work, spend most of my time laying in my rack with my eyes squeezed shut... Only 48 hours or so and I can present fem again...
Parents marriage pretty much collapsed this week (unrelated to me thank god) and now my mom is coming over this weekend to stay for a bit - so first introduction to Jane will be much sooner than planned (she knows and is ok with me being fem during her visit).

Another 16 months of this!!!! That's best case scenario... and I can't even work on my voice cause the walls are so thin I can hear a bed bug fart in the next room....

Sorry - rant complete... Going back to fetal position

Jane

[kiwidownunder]

Hang in there Jane
You have a lot friends here looking after you

Kiwi

[MissDanielle]

I just put in my two day notice at work but I know how you feel...I've been having a hard time just getting through the day, let alone getting through a TV show or reading a book. My appointment is also two weeks from today.

Sorry to hear about your parents.

[pamela7]

"hang in there"; sending best wishes

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you are not alone

It is "classic" GD that you are experiencing..
i especially remember how interactions with people became harder and harder...and how i became less rational, i had big plans that looking back are literally idiotic..
(And i had a big time job where i would meet and talk to literally hundreds of people or more every single day...and i'd be sitting in meetings thinking about therapy, when i could pluck my eyebrows, about how my kids are suffering, i'm scared of doctors so i cant do surgery......etc.etc....)

my observations are that you can't fight it, you have to go with it...and try to do your best at everything else


what i mean by that is be kind to yourself... you WILL think thoughts that are unpleasant, you WILL feel anxiety, pressure, and fill in the blank) feelings... they stink and they are sometimes really existentially depressing...

but it is what it is...

you do not need to beat yourself up...this is really really hard, and you are a really strong person to be considering this path and be taking these actions about it..

you can look at yourself and feel proud and although it may not LOOK like it in the mirror, you are more authentic today than you have ever been...


no matter what happens, thats the key... be authentic, be good to yourself and even when its not going well or things seem to be falling apart, your authenticity and good nature are what matters and over time i hope you can learn to rely on those things as truths that get you through anything