wife doesn't like it

[cdronnie]

Does anybody have any ideas how I can convince my wife to accept my dressing. She is totally against it. If i don't quit possibly a divorce in the making & I don't want that. Any help is welcome. You can e-mail me at cdronnie@yahoo.com if you want. Thanks

[Kimberley]

Does anybody have any ideas how I can convince my wife to accept my dressing. She is totally against it. If i don't quit possibly a divorce in the making & I don't want that. Any help is welcome. You can e-mail me at cdronnie@yahoo.com if you want. Thanks
Ronnie,
I would suggest couple counselling with someone who UNDERSTANDS gender issues. A gender counsellor is your best bet. The facts are that you are not going to change no matter what so it becomes the task of the counsellor to move her toward the middle ground; at least to tolerance. It may not work either but unless you try... The counsellor wont try to change you because s/he knows it isnt going to happen.

Statistics show the longer you have been together the more likely this is to succeed.

If you would like more info on this I can point to a Clinical Psychologist's website. She specializes in gender issues and has a blurb about this very subject. Just PM me.

Kimberley

[DonnaT]

Hi Ronnie,

Sorry to hear that.

Everyone is different and have different levels of acceptance.

I'd say get a bunch information together for her to read, if she's willing to learn more.

But basically, she has to be willing to listen, and you have to know what you're talking about. And you need to listen to why she won't accept it.

If she tells you why, maybe you can post here for ideas on how to respond.

Look over this site http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm for information that may help.

[Rossie]

When I had that problem, I looked for psychiatric aid for the couple. Also I caused that my wife adhered to the CDSO group. The result: separation. The psychiatrist was crazier than we. I believe that for the pairs the psychiatric aid does not give result because the communication becomes very complex. Group CDSO did not help my wife to clarify itself, but to accelerate its decision to separate of my.

I do not know anything clearly that to recommend to those who undergoes this same kind of problem. I am awaiting which she calms and I am giving time to recover it.

[Kimberley]

When I had that problem, I looked for psychiatric aid for the couple. Also I caused that my wife adhered to the CDSO group. The result: separation. The psychiatrist was crazier than we. I believe that for the pairs the psychiatric aid does not give result because the communication becomes very complex. Group CDSO did not help my wife to clarify itself, but to accelerate its decision to separate of my.

I do not know anything clearly that to recommend to those who undergoes this same kind of problem. I am awaiting which she calms and I am giving time to recover it.
*********
Not all pdocs or counsellors are properly equipped, trained or experienced to deal with this issue. It is critical to find one who is or you get nowhere.

So sorry Rossie that you had such bad experiences. Dont give up. Ask the questions before you book the appointments. No sense wasting your time or money.

[Catherine in Colo]

I would agree that if at all possible, ask your wife if she would be willing to read some literature on the issue or see a counselor, either by herself, or with you.

Above all, do NOT try to convince her of anything. She is going to have deal with this on her own terms and in her own time. Pushing her to accept this part of yourself will only create resentment and anger, and might push her further toward an emotional choice. At this stage, you need to be as accomodating and selfless as you can possibly be. It may be hard, but it is the best way to show her that you care about how she feels.

Remember, you have most likely been dealing with this your entire life, and are probably still coming to terms with your crossdressing. You can't expect your wife to accomplish in a few weeks what might have taken you decades to accept about yourself!

Good luck!
Renee

[Karinna]

I agree with you Renee. I've been talking with my wife about it for about 1 year and i now face an ultimatum: Her or the crossdressing thing.

Observing what have been said in the Forums, i took an appointment with the counselor.

:slap:

French Crosslangirl

[cdronnie]

Thanks for all the help Ladies. My wife has done some reading on her own about the subject. I've agreed to see a counsler who deals with gender issues. I'm currently checking out to see who is in my ins network from work. As soon as I find some info I will make plans. I'm not forcing my wife to see things my way or say much about it. When she asks a question I answer the best I can.I've been dressing since about 13 yrs old on a regular basis. Right now my dressing is sort of on hold till we work some kind of agreement.

[CarolDonna]

Does anybody have any ideas how I can convince my wife to accept my dressing. She is totally against it. If i don't quit possibly a divorce in the making & I don't want that. Any help is welcome. You can e-mail me at cdronnie@yahoo.com if you want. Thanks
Frankly, I don't think it's possible to convince anyone of anything if it goes against their core beliefs. Don't pressure her. She may come around. If she doesn't, you might have to make a decision about what is most important to you.

[TGMarla]

It's true, this is the whole crux of the problem with those of us who are married and who didn't bring this out in the beginning. It's tough on the girls. My only advice is to be real with her. Offer to be completely open with her. That seems to be the one thing that matters most. Go figure....honesty matters the most. I find that most women want honesty. If you promise that, many women will forgive a multitude of sins. Hey, we're all flawed in some way, right? Put your flaws (crossdressing) up in the front, and I think you'll be surprised at just how much your SO is willing to forgive. Just stop the hiding. She may surprise you.

[MelissaM]

Does anybody have any ideas how I can convince my wife to accept my dressing. She is totally against it. If i don't quit possibly a divorce in the making & I don't want that. Any help is welcome. You can e-mail me at cdronnie@yahoo.com if you want. Thanks

You can't convince her. You can't force her to accept your femme side. All you can do is love her with all of your heart and allow her the time and honest communication that it will take for her to begin to accept it. Believe in her, trust her with all of your feelings. Most of all, love her more now than you ever have before.

[CarmenG]

Ronnie, look at it this way." What do you stand to lose?".... Having been down this road before I feel your PAIN. It is not easy and you only know how much you want to follow your heart. Your wife is your wife, the mother of your children if have any. She could be your friend or not. Did you get married for better or worst or just till you dawned a dress? Have you stood by her through thick and thin ? Through heartaches and happiness? Through good times and bad ?
Ronnie, without you how many people would suffer. Take care of number one and the rest will take care of itself.......

Love & Kisses
Carmen :thumbsup:

[Julia Cross]

I've agreed to see a counsler who deals with gender issues.

While it is good for you to see a counsler, that will help you with understanding who you are and where crossdressing may lead in your personal development. However, if your wife is unwilling to talk to someone about her feelings towards your crossdressing and only insists on you talking to someone, I question her motives. My perspective on this would be that she views it as an infliction, a condition that can be cured and she will expect that to happen. She really needs to understand the truth about the dressing and about how it effects you and she may need someone to talk to about this other than you as she will vieew you as biased.

I strongly believe both of you need to see a counsiler experienced in transgender issues for any real good to come out of it.

I speak from experience.

julia

[Ellisia_Lynch]

A number of you in Ontario seem have seen councellors, and as I am going through a rough patch with my wife's acceptance, I would like to see someone. Does anyone know a councellor with crossdressing experience in the Toronto area?

Ellisia

[Sophia Rearen]

Does anybody have any ideas how I can convince my wife to accept my dressing.

Ronnie,
You can't convince anyone of anything. She needs to discover on her own terms through open minded conversation with you that cding is not a bad thing and will not go away. Talk to her, ask her questions after questions letting her discover the answers. I know, it's working for me.

[Cheery GG]

hi cdronnie,

This is a problem that many So's of crossdressers have. And like many replies have said, everyones response is different and unique.

You certainly cant persuade, push or make her accept it. What you can do is provide with ALL the necessary information in order for her to make a more informed opinion.

I think many people think of the word 'crossdressing'.....and automatically assume its dirty, disgusting etc etc...i think that is something that is portrayed in the media for sure. What she may find, which happened to me, is that this is something that although not 'common', is something that can in TIME become a part of a good relationship.

Wehn you try to give her some information, please tell her about us, im happy to speak with her via email, if she doesnt want to come onto this site, there are many gg'sd here, who have previously been in the same situation, or at least similar.

Above all, give her some time, space and lots of love....i wish you luck...

cheery
xx

[Emily1]

just goes to show - if you're starting a relationship then tell your partner BEFORE you go so far as actually getting married......... or moving in together - if you're not being honest with her or yourself then what are you doing in the relationship anyway ??

[HaleyPink2000]

Ronnie!

I came on here last May of 2005. I posted almost the same exact thing you just did. What did happen was just great. Tammara and some of the other GG's on here did e-mail to my Wife's personal E-mail box invitations. So they could E-mail each other, and Tammara sent her a link to sign up to come on here. That was to join the GG forum. It kind of worked. She came here and did read some things. Not many. But that started her asking questions, reading, and even maybe doing some research.

We've been married 25 years this year. She does not like me dressing at all. But tolerates me dressing up to a point. Panties, bra, nighty, house dress is ok. But to completely dress, wig , lipstick ear rings etc is in her mind way out there. Now mind you, I've been wearing a bra around her and panties for 18 years. But now She tells me last May to contact a Doctor or a Support Group. Hey! I did that, and now She's upset that I leave home with my suite case to go to support group meetings.

TriEss meetings did help me know who I am! That was the best thing She could have ever had me do. Even though She hates that I go. Halloween I took here with me to their meeting/party. She hated it, would hardly talk, wanted to leave early, and we did. I tried to make it as nice for her as possible.

This last meeting for February. She wanted to go along but would not leave the room in the Hotel. As our TriEss meetings are 2 hours away one way. Well one of the wives that showed up did go and change for the meeting in our room. I was not in there, I’d already left for the meeting. She after the meeting did go back to our room, to wait for her husband. As Her Husband and the others where still chatting. Hmmm? I don't know all what was said, but I'm going to hell, and so are all the others. LOL:) My Wife and I have no secrets from each other.

I took the Wife shopping to a mall the next day, all day. It was nice She said as it was a mall not in our area. I paid for everything, and She was happy. Said She got to stay in a hotel room, and meals away from home and all. It was a good weekend She said.

Am waiting for a meeting with lots of GGs to come. Also am going to try to get her to go to SPICE this year. That’s where no one dresses CD. It's for couples to come chat, and listen to Guest speakers, go to seminars etc. It's supposed to be the best thing for CD relationships that want to make it.

So to summarize.
I'd get her to come to Tammara's GG forum if possible. Have some of the GGs from here E-mail her if you'd like. Then get your butt into a support group, where you can work on yours and her issues.

pm me anytime Hun!
Haley:)

[kittypw GG]

Sorry Ronnie but the awful reality is that there just aren't many sucessful marriages/relationships. I have only heard about a few.

I have known about my husbands crossdressing from the begining, things progressed to the point of extreme saturation and my husband thinking he was a women trapped in a mans body. This was a very painful time for the both of us. He no longer thinks he wants to be a women but I am having a hard time going back. We are, at this point, barley hanging on to our marriage.

I know for sure that the more feminine my husband is the less I am attracted to him. I would never be ok with him dressing like a female every day and quite frankly it would be hard even once a month. So how do you come to a middle ground? I would be ok with never crossdressing but of course this would never do for him. He has a hard time expressing what would be an ok comprimise. When we bring up the topic, especially my fears, we end up fighting. I would suggest you avoid the fighting it never solves anything, just creats more scars.

I also know that the more I feel that my relationship with my husband is satisfied the more I feel like surprising him with some sexy panties or painting his toe nails. I need to feel that he is into me because he loves me and part of that is being a man. I don't want to feel like I am just his cover or his means to becoming a better female. Being a girl is my full time job but I am ok with sharing as long as it does not intrude too much. Even though he dresses up like a women he still thinks like a man.


You can't expect your wife to do all of the comprimising. She deserves to have the relationship she wants as well. If that means that you will have to control how often you dress then are you willing to sacrifice as well?

Find out who and what you are. If you know then she will be able to make informed choices for herself concerning your marriage and relationship. If you don't know the answer to her questions then say so. Never make promises you either have no intention of keeping or are unreasonable to keep. If you find that you have made a promise that is getting harder to keep then go back to the table with a more reasonable choice and talk about why you feel the need to change. If you break a promise then you will fuel her fears and make her mistrust you and believe me that is not a good thing.

A good relationship requires a lot of work and commitment and when you add in something like crossdressing , well it requires a lot more work. Good luck to you and by all means share what is working. I for one am hungry for some stories about sucessful couples. Kitty

[Anita Mae GG]

Am waiting for a meeting with lots of GGs to come. Also am going to try to get her to go to SPICE this year. That’s where no one dresses CD. It's for couples to come chat, and listen to Guest speakers, go to seminars etc. It's supposed to be the best thing for CD relationships that want to make it.



What is SPICE and WHERE is it. That sounds like something I would be interested it......Can anyone help me find this???

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Ronnie
Thats a difficult one but Iwould suggest you take it easy. Meeting your partner where she is, is often a better idea than expecting her to take it all on board and to meet you where you are. I know its probably not what you want to hear, but sometimes we women can be very tempremental. Even if we do accept our partners dressing one day, we can have hang ups about it another. Often a partners understanding and acceptance can take years to come about and considerable hard work and compromise on your part. Expecting her to understand and accept you as you would like her to, might only come about with twice as much TLC and understanding from you. Frightening isn't it?
Good look
BEVXXX

[Melanie R]

What is SPICE and WHERE is it. That sounds like something I would be interested it......Can anyone help me find this???

The Spouses' and Partners' International Conference on Education (SPICE) is an opportunity provided by the Society for the Second Self (Tri-Ess) for crossdressers and their significant others to understand the cross dressing phenomenon, determine how it can be a non-destructive part of their relationship, and to develop the partnership-building tools necessary to maintain open and honest communications.

SPICE provides local therapists whose practice include families wherein cross dressing is a part. They present current information regarding crossdressing in today's society and the issues partnerships encounter when it enters their relationship.

The focus is generally on developing open communications with honesty and trust. Establishing those characteristics being the objective, the therapists help the participants by providing ideas and tools to move existing communications methods to that next level.

The three days of seminars and exercises allow each of the participants to see each other in a variety of circumstances, exchanging ideas, voicing values, and elaborating on deep-seeded concerns that may hinder constructive communications. The shared experiences builds a camaraderie among the participants as well as trust and friendship.

SPICE will be in Chicago July 19-23, 2006. My wife, Peggy, was the director for 6 years but retired in 2001. SPICE is a non dressing 3-4 day event with individual sessions for the husbands and wives as well as joint session. It is very intensive but there are are also fun activities. For wives who are not comfortable in being with their husbands dressed and want to also learn more about crossdressing and how to cope, SPICE is very valuable. We have seen MANY wives who prior to attending SPICE were totally unaccepting become some of the primary leaders in the community.

Hugs,

Melanie

[Donna tv]

Just out of curiosity, I did not see where or if you mentioned how long you have been married before you sprang this on her, and if there are any other problems besides the obvious that may be going on . Not sure if it will help to know this info but it may shed some more light for us to help

[MelissaAndProudOfIt]

Does anybody have any ideas how I can convince my wife to accept my dressing. She is totally against it. If i don't quit possibly a divorce in the making & I don't want that. Any help is welcome. You can e-mail me at cdronnie@yahoo.com if you want. Thanks

I am so sorry to learn of your predicament regards your wife not accepting you and your dressing. First off, you never told us how she found out that you dressed, and her actual reaction on finding out. Though going on what you have wrote, I will say this much... Well she obviously knows you dress as you have said she's against it. If she found out you dressed on returning home and lost her temper.. this could have been initial shock, can you blame her.. her guy found in a dress...

Three lines of help!

Don't push your dressing on her, don't even show her pictures.. She's possibly suffering shock from initial discovery of your dressing.. Give her time to take it in about your dressing. It probably took you years to come to terms with it, so spare her the same dignity. If she really loves you outside of all of this, she might pull through eventually... she hasn't come to terms with it, rather that hates you doing it.

Patience, you'll need loads of this, along with tact... I'm afraid this is a waiting game... she knows of your dressing, I feel sure in time she will come around to asking you about it. So in the meantime start working on answers you will give for when that situation arises. Keep answers positive, direct, not on the defensive... keep to as true to your feeling as you can in your answers.... filter the answer in such a way that will lessen the impact to her... I feel in time she will come around. As a wife I am sure she really loves you, she's possibly in shock at her discovery about you, more than she hates you for crossdressing...... I'd just let her have time to absorb and she will eventually ask questions I feel sure... so just have your answers worked out ok.... If you feel you cannot do the above, then professional councelling will probably be your only answer...

I am no trained councellor about any dressing matters, however as xdresser myself, I can only go on my personal opinion and by using my own tact too... Any actions you might decide to take, you have to take responsibility for.. but waiting is safe.... I think... and in time might prove decisive

Hope it all works out for you

Best regards

Melissa;)

[Charlene Marie]

Ronnie. Hi hon, I just read your profile and Im gussing by your age that you have been doing this a long time, if Im wrong sorry. it depends on how long you have been married and when you told your wife or when your wife found out. the bottom line is she will probably never LIKE IT, but you could reach a compromise if you are honest with her. if you have been hiding this aspect of yourself from her for many years, it will be more difficult but possible to live togeather happily. Just put yourself in HER shoes, and you'll understand how bewildered she must be.

Good Luck

[cdronnie]

Hello Ladies,
I have my appointment with a counsler on March 7. Depending on how it comes out will start the road towards other things. I'm going by myself the first time as me, then maybe the next time as my other self. The counsler would like to talk with me both ways.I'll keep you all posted with updates when things happen. Till then Hugs Kisses ronnie

[Rikkicn]

I told my wife after 23 years of marriage. She was Ok with it to a point. I could go to support groups but not in my city. She was ashamed and embarrased. Boy did that feel awful when she told me that.
I could dress at home but could not touch her sexually if I did. There went a long time desire of mine. She thought it was disgusting. Therefor my desires were disgusting.
Eventually I understood she accepted me on her terms only. I made the decision that there was too much joy to be found in life and I wanted some of it. I love her to this day but we divorceed 5 years ago. I just could not sacrifice my life, happiness and joy for her anymore. It was a difficult decision and one of the best I ever made.
I moved to San Francisco and met many women that loved cross dressers and eventually married one. She supports and encourages every decision I make. She finds me hot and sexy and we have the best time.
We have a responsibility to lead our best lives, our most joy filled lives.
That's what I've discovered. Others may disagree.