Sorry I can't get my head round this one !

[Teresa]

I know my situation is improving but basically I'm on my own with my CDing, my wife and family know and I've now been out dressed for a social meeting. My wife knows where my female things are and she knows I've shopped and been given things but she she doesn't really want to talk about it or see it.

The confusion is I've talked to other women , been given clothes, shown my pictures and been shopping not a single GG has given a harsh comment or called me the various names.They may laugh behind my back but most laugh with me , it does have a funny side and is mostly harmless even if they question it or not, but then they're not married to me .

I do feel the climate is changing and fairly quickly , or maybe I see it differently because I'm not closeted any more.

I guess the situation with my wife is going to change in her time, how other women react to me with my dressing won't change that, it's her comfort level that's important . I still find the two levels of acceptance a puzzle but I know I'm in a better place at the moment so won't push any issues trying to figure it out any more .

[Sara Jessica]

Simple. Most women out there who think we are neat people would turn around and say "not in my backyard" if it came to their SO being CD/TG.

[Katey888]

I don't think it's a puzzle Teresa...


They may laugh behind my back but most laugh with me , it does (have) a funny side and is mostly harmless even if they question it or not, but then they're not married to me .


:)

You might find yourself lonely if you took up night fishing or village cricket as well... ;)

I'd suspect you're going to have to accept that tolerant support is all you'll likely receive from your wife for the foreseeable... :hugs: So just focus on what you CAN do and make your friends and build your network through your support group...

Perhaps spread your wings outside that once you feel tolerance has deepened...

Katey x

[CarlaWestin]

People tend to notice things that are completely acceptable and still categorize them as abnormal.
Like, don't you notice when someone is left handed?
Honey, total acceptance comes with a heavy dose of, "Yeah, but he's not a woman."

[donnaS]

I agree with Sara. There is a GG at work that knows about me. We talked before I got remarried. She is married with kids. Ten years younger than me. She finds me fascinating. But isn't sure how she would react seeing me dressed if I was her husband.
Yes, she had seen pictures of me dressed and thinks it would be fun to go out with a TG. But asked a lot of questions about how far my transition would go.
So I do believe 100% that a GG can be very interested in a TG but not in her own backyard.
My wife lets me be who I am. I am transitioning to a level I'm comfortable with. Most likely not getting SRS, at least not at this point. Most GG's think that TG's
Are a waste of a good man.
Really girls,the good guys are either TG or gay. That was stated by a GG to me.
Unfortunately for me being myself, my wife no longer has a sex life with me. I deal with it best I can. We kiss and snuggle,but she feels like a lesbian when we make love.
She knows I have a counselor and contacting HRT doctors upon the approval of the counselor.
We have also agreed that I can attend any meeting, anywhere with anyone.
So know my question is,
Why does she want to stay married to me? She found out 2 months into the marriage ( I know I'm jerk for not telling her sooner)
No intimacy in a marriage is definitely headed for disaster, right? I can't wrap my head around this one either.

[pamela7]

Katey has it right on the cricket, my ex-wife tolerated me playing but it was DADT.
Actually she's being very nice about the CD!

[BillieAnneJean]

Carla,
You are very brave to put abnormal and then reference left handed immediately thereafter. And I am sure that you didn't mean the left handers are abnormal. Or did you?

I am not left handed. And if I was part of a study of which ten percent were the opposite, I suppose the majority would think the minority are "abnormal".

Just having fun.



People tend to notice things that are completely acceptable and still categorize them as abnormal.
Like, don't you notice when someone is left handed?
Honey, total acceptance comes with a heavy dose of, "Yeah, but he's not a woman."

[Tara Rushing]

Nimby.........

[Samantha981]

I really suspect this. Very friendly women helping at makeup stores or clothing store, and they know I'm CD. Several have said "that's cool, how nice" or something like that. They are also selling. But... I do wonder what their response would be if their guy came out CD?
As for me, completely closet to family so only the sales clerks know!


Simple. Most women out there who think we are neat people would turn around and say "not in my backyard" if it came to their SO being CD/TG.

[Krisi]

Sales people, nurses and such will usually be nice to your face because that's their job and because most of us have been taught to be polite. Once they get away from you it's a different story.

My wife and I have a female friend who is an ER nurse. I'm sure she is very professional at work but around us, it's easy to see that she is not fond of gays, lesbians or crossdressers.

[binair10]

Teresa, I am very similar to you in many respects. My wife also knows were I keep my clothes...in my wardrobe and in the drawers under the bed. She has seen me dressed on quite a few occasions and has also been out with me to functions. Like you, I have been photographed with GGs and talked to many ladies at the places I go to.

However, unlike your wife mine is very ANTI DRESSING. Will it change with her. No way.

Julie.

[I Am Paula]

Your wife might love the zombies on Walking Dead. Does she want to be married to one?
This analogy is not as far off as you think.

[audreyinalbany]

SA's and other women aren't effected sop much by our dressing as our significant others. They can accept it easily with no particular consequences for their personal lives. but your significant other has a lifetimes worth of experience with the guy you and presenting as a female is somewhat of an assault on those perceptions, so it's no mystery that it's easier for casual relationships to be more accepting.

[Tina_gm]

A big BIG part of this is what you have been to your wife for many years- not TG. And, she is not of an age where it was acceptable when she was younger and the more formative days. Combine those things and in a way, you are basically getting the acceptance from your wife that you can hope for.

[Teresa]

To go a little further with the one aspect of being given clothes, I popped into my seamstress friend the other day to ask about having something altered , she interrupted me to ask if I'd been to my social meeting yet I said yes and had the pictures on me, she thought they were great. She then said I've got a dress that needs a good home and gave me a size 12 voile summer dress. Just a few moments ago I gave my counsellor a social call to see if she was OK, last week I'd sent the pics of her dress I wore at the meeting, again she thought they were great and added I just wanted it to go to a good home ! Two ladies with the same comment, they certainly wouldn't do it if they thought I was a CDing weirdo.

I feel I've gone out and in a small way made CDing more acceptable, the treatment I receive in return is encouraging for all of us, I feel more understood than just being tolerated.

It is making me happier , even if my wife doesn't fully understand she is seeing a change in me, but I've said and the comments concur I'm not pushing these issues , my wife will have to find her own comfort level.

[Sarah Louise]

I agree with a lot of the other posts. Many women are generally sympathetic to us, as long as it's not their husband.

[Tina_gm]

oh boy- leave your wife to just go out and find her own comfort level. Well, yes, I believe that she has been doing that all along, in that your CDing is not in her comfort level. For many women, CDing is not in their comfort level, and just because there are women (who have no personal vested interest or life with you) to have that comfort level is not at all the same as a life partner. There is no comparison here at all. You cannot make the connection here, no matter how hard you try or how hard you may want there to be one.

[docrobbysherry]

Teresa, it sounds as if u r describing your CD adventures out while you're in drab? If I am correct, that means you're revealing your secret to only a select few GGs. Which is completely different from going out dressed and revealing your secret to everyone u meet and pass by!:eek:

If u go out dressed often enuff I assure u, u won't find encouragement and acceptance from everyone out there!:doh:

But, if u try that, maybe you'll be able to get your head around your wife's attitude?:brolleyes:

[bok4fun]

I believe the age of the SO/GG in question is a major factor. Older people who grew up without this being generally accepted will most likely have the biggest issue, although not always for a lucky few. But as we become more mainstream, younger generations will continue to become more accepting, and eventually it will become normal, and part of everyday life for many.

[audreyinalbany]

there's always talk on this site about acceptance, but you know everybody's version of acceptance may be different. For some of us, we won't feel 'accepted' until our wives join us in our girly outings, for others it's for them to let us dress up around the house when they're home. But her version of 'acceptance' may be that she just doesn't want anything to do with your dressing. That is still a level of acceptance.

[Lorileah]

Your wife might love the zombies on Walking Dead. Does she want to be married to one?
This analogy is not as far off as you think.

Really? I don't see it. Then again, it should be her choice, not yours. Funny how I have so many friends whose SOs do accept it. They may not go out with them dressed but they see it as part of who their spouse is.

[Gillian Gigs]

The simplest way to put it, I might like Smoky the Bear, but I wouldn't want my daughter to marry him. Another woman can accept you, but they are not married to you!

[CarlaWestin]

Carla,
You are very brave to put abnormal and then reference left handed immediately thereafter. And I am sure that you didn't mean the left handers are abnormal. Or did you?

I am not left handed. And if I was part of a study of which ten percent were the opposite, I suppose the majority would think the minority are "abnormal".

Just having fun.

Just using abnormal as an "out of the usual" reference with no intent to disrespect southpaws.

[Leslie Langford]

Your wife might love the zombies on Walking Dead. Does she want to be married to one?
This analogy is not as far off as you think.

What??? You're comparing us crossdresser to the undead who are neither dead or alive, stumble aimlessly about in two different worlds trying to make sense of it all, and desperately attempting to fit in???

As Grouch Marx would have put it "I resemble that remark!" ;) :eek: :doh: :heehee:

[SherriePall]

May I add my Theory of Relativity? The closer a woman is related to the CD'er, the harder it is for her to accept, etc.

[Alice Torn]

Katey, Night fishing? I tried it a few times, and one night, caught many codfish, off an old pier, in Washington state,in 1978. Also caught bass in the creek near here. BUT, i am single!

[Sometimes Steffi]

Teresa

Your post is almost exactly what I would have written.

[Stephanie47]

A while back someone asked on a thread what would you do if your wife decided to get a US Marine Corp buzz cut, buy a false mustache, wrap her breasts as flat chested as could be, wear a man's business suit, and start chewing tobacco? You'd think it was cute? So, although I would love it when my wife comes home from work, she'd pat me on my butt as I stood making dinner in my dress, hosiery and heels and wig, I understand her disapproval to something she did not sign on for when we said "I do."

Yep, NIMBY

[TaraGrace]

Just using abnormal as an "out of the usual" reference with no intent to disrespect southpaws.

yes yes, as a lefty I'll confirm at least once a week it'll fetch ah "oh, you're a leftie" remark (and have for decades).
No negative associations at all (ever), it's just something people notice out of the usual (abnormal if you will), I thought this was an excellent example!

Teresa, I just wanted to say be very aware of realising what you have (there's enough threads here to compare to and considder yourself lucky).. If your SO doesn't want to dive deeper into the subject, remember that pressing on a sore spot over and over will probably frustrate the both of you rather then improve.

Yes, I fully understand you'd like to share, (trying to find a good example here) perhaps see it as religions?
I for instance respect most religions, my girlfriend has a relative modern muslim upbringing, but there are still certain areas where we clash. We don't have arguments, but talks on the subject and settled for no religious objects in plain view in the house, and like CD cloths, of course I know where she does has certain items like a Koran, which is fine, it works for us.

Do I make effort in exceptions? Yes, although rarely, when her father died I joined her in traditional clothing (her father's actually) to mourn with her as it surpassed my feelings and I just wanted to support my partner in any way I could.
Although I am happy I did then, I would still feel uncomfortable to do this on other special occasions as it simply is not for me.

Hope that helps find you some balance?

x Tara