Just told my wife - not sure I should have

[Sarah Louise]

Since a year or so ago when I started dressing again after a 20 year sabbatical, I've struggled over whether to tell my wife or not. On the one hand, I hate the lying. On the other hand, I was worried it wouldn't go well.

Well, tonight I told her and I'm worried I've shouldn't have. She's stunned. She's upset. We've had tears. She doesn't like the fact that I've messaged other people on this forum and posted pictures. I just hope she comes to terms with this. I don't think she's going to leave me or anything, but I worry our marriage will never be as good as it was.

I followed the advice of others. Said there's something I need to tell you. That I've been crossdressing for the last year or so. That I'm not gay, I don't want a sex change. I then explained how this started at about age four, carried on intermittently until I was a teenager when it became more common. The desire faded in my early 20s (before I met her) only to come back in my forties. I told her about a recent dressing appointment. She wasn't too keen on that. She asked if I had met up with other people or gone out (I haven't).

I'm feeling a bit vulnerable right now.

Edit: Please see post #54 for update

[Saikotsu]

Well, it could have gone a lot worse, so there's that. Give her time and hopefully she'll come around.

[Jenniferathome]

That's a big, brave move Sarah. I think her reaction is quite normal. Allow her to process it a bit, you've known for decades, she for only minutes. Let her know you are open to answering any question she might have. In particular, make sure she knows that your cross dressing has nothing to do with her or what she does or does not do. Stay positive, the conversations will come and fears will be ameliorated.

[nikkiwindsor]

Sarah, You really were courageous and I hope all goes well for you and your wife. Fortunately and wonderfully, my wife came to accept my desire to crossdress but it didn't come easy and she made her peace with it on her own terms...I didn't pressure her. She is an incredibly perceptive person and realized that I was just plain miserable abstaining from a desire that I didn't choose and had been with me since about 10 years old. She didn't want to see me so unhappy and shared with me, out of the blue, that if I wanted to cross dress she'd be ok with it. She isn't thrilled with it which is understandable and doesn't come as a surprise. But, by accepting me as who I am deep within myself, within my very soul, she has explained to me that she's expressing her unconditional love for me. That acceptance is so powerful and special. I work hard to accept her for who she is...we are both so far from perfect and judging one another gets us nowhere. With my crossdressing an open conversation between us, our love for each other has actually become stronger than ever before. I really hope the same for the two of you! Nikki

[JenniferR771]

Lots of men have a fetish or two. Nothing unusual about that. Few people talk details about their sexuality--to anyone--its a private thing. That is instinct. You are still the highly wonderful man you have always been. You still care for her and intend to protect and take care of her and your kids--in the manner to which she has become accustomed. Right?

[JanePeterson]

my advice... if you can, just halt all further communication about it till she has questions... and don't push her at all on this stuff. The fact that she didn't throw you out of the house means that you are already ahead of the game... the key is to not push things until she is ready. Then, be ready to handle your OWN feelings as things progress... I did this exact thing 2 months ago, and my own understanding of my dressing changed significantly in that time... HUGS!!! i know how hard it must have been to start that conversation!!

Jane

[pamela7]

well done, courageous, it was right, give her time to assimilate it, to ask questions at her pace. don't push, explain you'd prefer it to be part of your joint life than separate, that you love her etc etc

[Katey888]

Oh Sarah..! :hugs:

I hope you'll be OK and she'll understand or at least give it a chance... and for goodness sake DON'T let her see what goes on here unchaperoned... it makes me wonder sometimes...

Good luck - fingers crossed - lap of the Gods and everything... :)

Katey x

[Nadine Spirit]

It must be terrifying, for both of you! But good for you for telling her. I really think it was the right thing to do, regardless.

The best thing you can do now is to keep the communication open and honest, and to continue to do it.

Good luck!

[TanyaR]

Sarah,
Such a hard thing to do, but it can be a good thing. Bravo to you!
As to the vulnerable part - you just shared the huge secret part of you and you are waiting to see how she will react. So scary! Give her time to process this. I cried every day for a week. Then I searched the internet and cried even more. I asked the same questions over and over - just to be sure I understood what was happening. I have known now for 3 years (found out after 20years of marriage) and its been a long difficult road to regain my trust in him and I still have bouts where I don't trust him. But our marriage was strong before and TBH I feel like it has brought us closer in some ways. Be patient with her, don't push her and be totally honest about your feelings & needs. Be sure to find out what she can and can not handle at this point and don't push the boundaries. It could be a long processes for her to wrap her head around this.

[donnaS]

Oh my,
I've been there. You don't know wether to
Crawl under the couch or talk it out some more.
No definite answer that's for sure. All the information must be processed and sink in. I am still in some of those stages.
Much farther along than you and your wife are. We take it day by day. I'm not sure where my marriage will end up, I have to be honest. But I to can't live with the secrets. Just not in me.
Wish you the very best outcome!
Hugs
Donna

[Dinky39]

Who is she/her? The cat's mother?? I find it insulting. Oh,and as i posted in another thread,its way out of line to use your child/children as an excuse for leaving your 'stuff' behind. As in,i left blonde hair from my wig in the bathroom sink,luckily our daughters are blonde. Phew,i was nearly caught. Sometimes my mind is blown from what i read on this site.

[KrissyP]

Honesty is great Sarah, however hard. Good for you. Yes, give her time to process and take it one step at a time. Hugs to you. :hugs:

[WandaRae2009]

As my wife put it after I told her, you have eliminated the burden of hiding and lying and placed a burden on me to deal with it and keep the secret as well. It takes time, the key is to keep the communication open but don't push too fast if you really want the relationship to last. A joint counseling session with a therapist experienced with gender issues helped tremendously. Good luck to you, and be assured many here will keep positive thoughts for you.

[Dinky39]

That was one of my inital thoughts by my finding out my husband's secret. The burden is now on my shoulders& I am truely weary of it. And no one to help me

[Judy-Somthing]

Well, while looking for cross-dress makeup tutorials I came upon this sight, so I joined. It made me feel so much better about myself.

Well about four weeks I told her I thought it would be fun to wear a dress.

Well she was stunned and said that's F-Up and the next day she cut up all her lingerie and through it out.

Well now four weeks later, Judy is pushed back into the back of the closet.

And I have more lingerie than her!

[MelanieAnne]

I followed the advice of others.
First mistake!


Said there's something I need to tell you.

Her reaction: Uh oh, this can't be good!


That I've been crossdressing for the last year or so

Her reaction: OMG He's gay!

I strongly feel the best way is to just wait until you are caught, and then downplay it. Do not make like it is the most important thing in your life! Just say, "I've tried it a few times, just to see what it is like. No big deal". When you go into a long song and dance about struggling with it all your life, can't help yourself, express yourself, etc, etc, it just blows it all out of proportion and creates a crisis in the mind of the recipient. You can admit to it, be honest, without going into a lot of details and making things worse. I have never been able to understand this desire to come out to anyone, with what should be a private matter. How many in here would tell their wives or SOs, "There's something I need to tell you. I watch a lot of porn and masturbate". Anyone who has been in this forum any length of time can attest to the fact that most of the comings out don't end well. A few end OK, but only a few. It's just not a chance worth taking.

[mykell]

hi sarah,
been there done that,
just me but i did all the to do things on the honey list while she absorbed this info i shared with her,
hey im still the guy who fixes the toilet and Spackles and paints those walls,
one thing i also did was e-mail her a song, i have nothing (whitney houston), only one word did not fit, cause i cant change in the second line,
i emailed her and she never said anything about it,
music sometimes is a very powerful motivator, and if you have a strong foundation to your marriage it will take some time but you should be OK,
my thoughts are with you both and i hope you get through this in tack....

[Jenniferathome]

..I strongly feel the best way is to just wait until you are caught, and then downplay it. ..

To call this bad advice is doing a disservice to the word bad. You are clueless about relationships, despite your claims of a great one with your wife. Your advice is valueless.

[Nadine Robles]

Just read some research together about CDing and let her settle her feeling about this. Im sure youre gonna come to terms about it

[Nadine Spirit]

Anyone who has been in this forum any length of time can attest to the fact that most of the comings out don't end well. A few end OK, but only a few. It's just not a chance worth taking.

Wow! Really? Where are the statistics to back this claim up?

[Suzanne F]

Wow! Really? Where are the statistics to back this claim up?

Yes I don't agree either. Count me as one of the women who came out to her wife and found love and acceptance!
Suzanne

[Jenniferathome]

Wow! Really? Where are the statistics to back this claim up?


Yes I don't agree either. Count me as one of the women who came out to her wife and found love and acceptance!
Suzanne

Sadly this same person continues to post this nonsense at every turn. Simply incredible and totally unsubstantiated. I can only hope that everyone see this tripe for what it is and ignores it.

[Stephanie47]

Before adding to the thread I went back and read your posts. You've been really stressed out about your wife learning of your cross dressing. The notion goes all the way back to when you joined this forum. Forget whether or not you should have or should not have told her. You can only go forward. I've found the truth is the best policy. And, from your own descriptive words I'd say you, like most of us, really do not have a clue as to why you are like you are. When I had "THE TALK" I told my wife I did not know why I am a cross dresser. Yes, you may as well fill in the time line, if you have not already. It sounds very typical. If you're able to express to her what feelings you have when you cross dress, then tell her. In my case it is stress relief. I find some sort of peace and tranquility when en femme that I cannot find elsewhere. I think the last thing a surprised wife wants to hear is some sort of stupid reasoning. Don't tell her you want to get in touch with your feminine side. You'll probably hear something about trying to endure childbirth, raising kids or household drudgery. I told my wife I cannot explain what I do not understand myself.

And, do not make any commitments that you will not be able to keep. Don't tell her you'll stop wearing women's clothing when you cannot stop. I think you realize there are going to be some bumps in the road. I do think a solid marriage will endure. Hopefully, she'll get out the marriage balance and weigh everything...your positive attributes and your negative. If the balance is heavily weighed down with good attributes....good husband...good father....kind....all those that she has grown accustom to over the years, the marriage will endure.

PS: When I went back and reviewed your started threads since joining I saw your photos. You turn into a very attractive woman.

[Sarah Louise]

Thanks very much to those who have responded with support. It's really appreciated.

In respect of the post stating that it rarely goes well, that's not what most of the experiences on here show. In fact a recent post asking where members were on the scale of support from their wives put it at nearly 60% acceptance and nearly 30% tolerance. Of course, this only based on members of this forum who bothered to respond, but I'm yet to see anything that contradicts this. As Stephanie correctly observed, I've really struggled with this for over a year. So believe me, I've absorbed loads of information on the outcomes of telling.

Please let's not turn this thread into 'a should I tell or not'. I've done the deed for better or worse and it's help and advice to make things better that my wife and I really need. There's another current thread on whether to tell or not.

To update you on my situation. After my chat with my wife last night, not much else was said, but a couple of hours later when she came in the room, I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too. We also talked about ordering new fitted bedroom furniture so we're still planning our future lives together. Also, we did cuddle a bit in bed. So hopefully this is a good sign and worse case, we'll end up as DADT. To be honest, this for me at least, is better than a lifetime of lying.

This whole thing isn't fair on her though and I do feel guilty about that. It's such a shame that society makes being a CD such a big deal as at the end of the day, it really isn't. Of course, I had a lifetime to come to that conclusion and she's just had it thrusted upon her. We have a strong marriage. I love her to bits and always try and treat her nice and support her so hopefully it will all work out for the best.

[MelanieAnne]

You are clueless about relationships, despite your claims of a great one with your wife.

You have me mixed up with someone else. I have no wife, and never claimed a great relationship with my wife!
All you flamers might want to read this recent thread.
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?233711-Same-old-story-wife-gave-me-the-ultimatum&highlight=getting+divorced

[bridget thronton]

I told my wife - because for me it was wrong to keep a secret this big from her - has not always gone well, but in the end love won out and she accepts my need to dress

[Amanda M]

For me, there is no 'one size fits all'. Circumstances alter cases,and by and large, I'm with Jennifer on this issue. However, there is NO one way!

[Sarah Louise]

All you flamers might want to read this recent thread.
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?233711-Same-old-story-wife-gave-me-the-ultimatum&highlight=getting+divorced

On the thread you refer to, I counted only 5 responses claiming it led to a break-up of the relationship . The thread I referred to had 232 responses.

[AnnaMarie]

On the thread you refer to, I counted only 5 responses claiming it led to a break-up of the relationship . The thread I referred to had 232 responses.

Hi Sarah,
I think with all forums, you take the advice that works for you and reject the rest. No one persons situation is the same as yours. Nobody has a wife the same as yours and no one has a relationship like yours. We are all different. There is no one size fits all approach to any of this. It's great to get a view from everyone and everyone has a view that is equally as valid, but at the end of the day it's you facing your unique situation between two unique people. It's not you saying what should and should not be done whilst hiding behind a computer without any fear of repercussions.

[Dinky39]

Judy-Somthing. Put your underwear away and go and talk to your wife...you know,the woman you married and stop bullshitting her.

[Kiersten]

Give her some time to let it register. It will probably take some time but she will eventually come around.

[Marcelle]

Hi Sarah,

So sorry to read things went as they did. The decision to tell is a momentous one for certain. Some choose to tell others do not. For those who choose to tell there are only two outcomes IMHO: (1) acceptance on some level or (2) exit visas. In reading your post the good thing is your wife did not run screaming for the hills which to me implies she is digesting the information. Give her room, let her process and as others have suggested communicate. The elephant in the room is now visible and needs to be addressed.

Cheers

Marcelle

[carolyn todd]

Well done Sarah
now its out in the open,just let her come to you and ask questions in her own time DON'T FORCE HER.
how about taking your wife out to dinner/lunch somewhere ?.

GOOD LUCK

Carolyn

[Katey888]

On the thread you refer to, I counted only 5 responses claiming it led to a break-up of the relationship . The thread I referred to had 232 responses.

I hope others don't base their decisions on just this perspective - this forum represents only a cross-section of the community and a part that is very heavily 'out' in every sense but especially to SOs - that skews the perspective here and it would sadden me if anyone really took what people post here as gospel without seeking alternative views.

There is a kind of "mirror" site to cd.com - crossdresserswives.com - but this is no longer publicly viewable... When you could view it, it was clear that the level of non-acceptance amongst the broader CD community wives and SOs is a lot higher (and vitriolic) than represented here... and while this site aspires to some good ethical ideals, it doesn't represent a completely balanced view - Marcelle is right about outcomes: putting an historical value against the outcomes is not an indicator of what will happen in any individual circumstances.

Sarah - you've always seemed very sensible about this - I hope your wife is able to see that this need is not something completely frivolous and that you are still the husband you were to her before... There is good advice here on how to make the best recovery from this point on... good luck again.. :hugs:

Katey x

[Andrea Renea]

You are the same person you were 10 minutes before telling her as you are 10 minutes after you told her.

She will just needs time to process the new information about the man she thought she knew.

Honesty is always the best policy, but I had a hard time telling my wife too.

I was lucky and she was accepting.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Sarah

Good luck going forward, Please remember this is not just about crossdressing. Having told your wife she will be wondering why it took you so long to explain. As a result its the lack of trust which will be annoying her most.

The fact you are still communicating is a good sign. Trey to be patient and answer the questions she will have as honestly as you can.

[JamieG]

Sara, it is good to hear that things seem a little better today. This is something that might take some time. For many wives, this is a huge bombshell. In my case, and I've seen others say the same thing, the really big issue was that I was able to keep such a big secret from her for so long. Show her that you love her, show her that she can still trust you, and be wary of the pink fog. We are all rooting for you, and know that we have your back if you just need to some sympathy. :bighug:

[Cheryl T]

She's talking to you...she's asking questions.
Keep talking, keep the dialogue going.

For me one of the most important things was to make certain she understood that this had absolutely NOTHING to do with her. It was not something lacking in the relationship, not something missing in her that I was looking for, not a substitute for her and above all that I was so torn hiding it from her and needed her to understand and share this important part of myself.
She had to know I was not competing with her as another woman might, that I was not trying to outdo her, that my dressing and my style were just that, MINE.

We did lots of talking, lots of crying but it was well worth the effort to not be hiding from her, not stealing time from her anymore.

Just keep talking and most of all be sure she knows everything. Another secret now would be devastating.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm feeling a bit vulnerable right now.

Well that makes two of you :)

No use having regrets. I'd advise you to take her on the most expensive vacation you can afford, very soon, and do not pack your wig and heels.

Hugs, Nikki

[daphne_L]

. . . I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too. We also talked about ordering new fitted bedroom furniture so we're still planning our future lives together. Also, we did cuddle a bit in bed. So hopefully this is a good sign and worse case, we'll end up as DADT. To be honest, this for me at least, is better than a lifetime of lying.

. . . We have a strong marriage. I love her to bits and always try and treat her nice and support her so hopefully it will all work out for the best.

Sarah,

If she said "I love you," and it wasn't just a rote response to your statement, then you are in good shape. Like everyone says:

DON'T PUSH IT!

I just went through this 2 weeks ago. My experience was between yours and Jenniferathome's. My wife was totally shocked, she had no idea.

For me the pink fog kept trying to roll in as I reveled in the the fact that I had no secrets from my wife and she still accepted me. Please hold back. She needs space and time to adjust to her new perception of you. Talk when she wants to talk, but don't force her to talk when she isn't ready. Be totally honest, the biggest problem my wife had was the damage that such a big secret has on her trust for me. I explained the shame and lack of self acceptance that led me to hide it from everyone for almost 20 years before I met her, and more that 20 years with her. I explain the self denial, where I thought I had overcome it and could put it behind me, and the shame when I was again proven wrong. She accepted that as justification for the secret and gave me back her trust. But, she is still very sad that I didn't feel I knew her well enough to trust her much sooner. I'm sad about that too.

If you do end up in DADT, don't do anything that you wouldn't be willing to tell her immediately if she ever indicated she was ready to talk about it some more. Re-starting the secrecy will be even more corrosive to your relationship, and will destroy any trust recovered after your last big secret.

Good Luck!

Daphne

[Sarah Louise]

To give you all an update, things are looking much better this evening. Last night and this morning I was worried I'd made a mistake. However, we had a couple of good chats this afternoon. At first my wife was saying things like she didn't think she could even kiss me because of thought of me dressed as a woman. However, things have progressed and we chatted about lots of things. I reassured her about where I am with my dressing. She asked about what clothes I had and I freely told her about the dressing sessions. I think I put her mind at ease quite a bit, but she doesn't want to see my photos or see me dressed (to be honest I don't think I'm ready for this either). She doesn't like the idea of me going out (I've not done this) and to be honest I don't want to go out.

Interestingly enough, she commented that it was obvious that I was enjoying telling her about my experiences. I said I thought that this was because I could finally talk about this rather than keeping it bottled up. We've even joked about it a couple of times this evening as well.

So, all in all, within 24 hours of coming clean, I'm hopeful she will end up reasonably tolerant of my dressing, but won't want to see anything. Early days I know. Her apparent tolerance may come and go, but hopefully we can carry on being able to talk and work through any issues.

So at present, I feel I've done the right thing and a great weight has been lifted from me. It's still not easy for her, but given how quick she has shown some tolerance, things may turn out ok. Let's hope so! She is a wonderful woman and I'm very lucky to be married to her.

[Lilly Diadem]

Good Luck Sarah - I certainly hope it all works out for you both together.

Lilly x

[Jenniferathome]

Totally awesome and completely unsurprising news! Good for the two of you!

[Tricia Lee]

Glad to hear it! I suggest laying really low on the subject for a while. It can be hard to keep it slow when you first see signs of acceptance. Just make sure you don't overload her with your enthusiasm.

[Suzanne F]

Great news! One word of caution, don't make any commitments about what you want to do either at this point. Your journey has just begun as far as being honest with someone about your dressing. Pay attention to your real desires and feelings and keep sharing with your wife. Let it unfold and see what happens!
Suzanne

[SHY KIM]

You have two perspectives to manage. Since your the one "dropping the bomb" the burden is on you. My advice is to follow her lead as to what she can handle. Ease into it and DO NOT push the things. If you waited 20 yrs a few months isn't a big price to pay. Try to slowly introduce Sarah to your wife, but most importantly explain the very beings of where Sarah came from. This may help her understand your not crazy but rather trying to live life to your fullest
Good luck
Kim

[TaraGrace]

dear Sarah,

my compliments on sharing with your wife, whatever the outcome, I am proud of you!

x Tara

[nikkiwindsor]

Thanks for the update Sarah...hoping that everything works out well for you both!

[Maria Ann]

I have had the "talk" with my wife about my dressing as well, and received pretty much the same reaction that you you did Sarah. What made my wife the most upset about it was the fact that I had been hiding it from her and lying to her about it for so long (the lying about it was because of the way that my parents would treat me when they would catch me dressing when I was a child, it was so harsh that it caused me to hide that side of my life from everyone. It has also caused me to suffer from chronic depression, bipolar, and several other mental issues.). We have had a few conversations about it since I came out to her about it, and she is now okay with me doing it as long as she doesn't see it and that I don't do it around our children.

[TrishaTX]

My two cents is this...hiding things leads to some unhealthy behavior. I do undertsna doe cannot all tell for various reasons, but if you can or have an opportunity you should try. It sucks when someone rejects you, but that feeling of hiding/lieing etc is worse in the long run. I wish we could all be honest with our SO, i know some cannot, but what occurred here was brave and should be appreciated.

[Jazzy Jaz]

Congratulations so far Sarah, very courageous! I would suggest being extra sweet and loving and helpful and romantic, maybe not totally obvious in her face style, but just enough to show her that shes not losing your love or her man or having to compete with Sarah. Hopfully your extra attention will show her that she actually stands to gain from your openness by accepting you. Anyways I wish you the best.

[mykell]

hi sarah, happy for you that things are OK,
you seem to have a good grasp on the situation, take things slow and continue to talk,
my wife has known for two years, she does not want to see it and like you i dont know that i would show her,
thanks for the update....

[Sarah Louise]

I just thought I'd update everyone as to where I am with coming out to my wife. Well can I change the title to 'Came out six days ago - so glad I did'! There was a little bump in the road to get here though.

Since my last update, it got really tough on Monday evening. I experienced a massive downer when it hit me just what I was putting my wife through. I felt very guilty and was very emotional with this and my wife had to support me rather than the other way round.

Since then things have got much better. We've continued to talk, I've reassured her and she is coping remarkably well. In many ways we're getting on better. At the end of the day, our love for each other is winning through.

She still doesn't want to see anything which I'm fine with. The most important thing is I'm not living a lie and while she doesn't understand it, we're not letting it get in the way of our relationship.

I feel very blessed to be married to such a wonderful woman and I'm very happy right now.

Usual caveat to those in the closet: Only you can decide whether to come out or not. Everyone is different etc.

[mechamoose]

I have not read any other reply prior to this post, just so you know. It doesn't matter in the long run.

I'm sorry you feel vulnerable, I truly understand why.

In my opinion, you did the right thing. Truth trumps all. Yes, it may break things, but what would your lie do if it was discovered?

Damage now or damage later? (What kind of choice is that? It stinks)

You clearly have a lifetime dysphoria issue. Your 'partner' will either stand beside you or not. NOW is the time to know that. You either know you have an ally or you know you have to find another way to get support.

NOW IS THE TIME.

You did nothing wrong, you exposed yourself. It will either pay off or you will have to find other means of support.

Yes, you may love them, they may love you. That isn't the same as either of you being right for each other.

Please trust me. I'm trying to spare you needless pain.

Trust yourself... How old are you? I'm sure you didn't get this far by being oblivious. Trust yourself, please.

- MM

[Sarah Louise]

You clearly have a lifetime dysphoria issue.

MM, Thanks for your thoughts, but this simply isn't the case. I'm just someone who's cross dressed on and off throughout my life and have felt guilty hiding this from my wife.

See post #54 for update.

[mechamoose]

Pardon me dear, I have to slightly disagree.

If you want to dress up in the 'other' genders clothing, you have some level of dysphoria.

It might not be debilitating, it might not be life changing, but it is dysphoria all the same.

Take it from a 'manly man' who paints his nails and wears skirts 9 days out of 10. The other day I'm wearing 'girl' jeans.


She still doesn't want to see anything which I'm fine with. The most important thing is I'm not living a lie and while she doesn't understand it, we're not letting it get in the way of our relationship.

If she doesn't *accept* it, in fact, *encourage* it. Then it isn't quite right. Not to throw any shade on you or your partner... good that you are not lying. I do have to say that it sounds like you have ended up in a DADT situation, which is another stress point for me. Fine so long as you keep your trap shut? Fine so long as she doesn't see it? (Sorry, I go to great lengths to be gender neutral, this member telegraphed it)

That isn't acceptance, that is tolerance.

Tolerance has its place and is valuable, but it isn't giving you the freedom to frolic around in the tall grass with bows in your hair. You and I both need that frolic space in order to be ourselves. Please tell me if you believe I am wrong. Good for your mate that they have not rejected you. That is a major + in the 'pro' column.

Tolerance and support are very different honey. It sounds like you have tolerance. You deserve more. You need to be able to be yourself without excuses or apologies. From what I am hearing, you still need to 'hide' on some level, yes?

I don't tolerate that. That isn't enough.

I live life as an aberrant critter, and I can say from personal experience that it works. Did things get broken? Yes. Was it easy? No. Do I get criticism? Rarely.

You deserve more than just being tolerated.

<3

- MM

[mykell]

IDK , somebody here just laid theyre love and life on the line and had what to them is the most amazing result in the world, the person they cared the most about in the world did not run for the hills screaming derogatory words as she looked for a lawyer, theyre TALKING and LEARNING about something they have knowledge about for a week??? they revealed to theyre mate...................and somehow they did not do it right ................are you kidding me........busting bubbles........were judged by society enough..........we come here to get away from it.....

Sarah i only wish that you both continue to talk and learn as much about how to best move forward and things stay positive, their is only one way to make it work and it is the way that works for you and your wife, again im pleased that it is moving forward in a positive way.....

[Tiffany Jane]

Sarah, we are all individuals with similar paths and choices that have brought us to individual hurdles in our lives. Congratulations for marrying someone that you have built a relationship with in trust and honesty. It is the basis of every key friendship, and where we allow ourselves to commit to a larger relationship.

I came out officially to my wife three years ago although we both knew there were circumstances in our past that resembled the act without any clarity. Truth and honesty brought me to tell her most of everything and we still are open about the subject. She recently read a book "My husband Betty" and it was helpful to her.

More important for her is what I need to be able to be happy moving forward and how it will be a part of our lives. She has put this in my lap, only because I tend to internalize everything in an attempt to fully analyze all aspects of situations. Occasionally she will check in when I have checked out but she doesn't push.

This has taken three years. Seems longer but that is the guilt and fear I have put upon myself taking years off my psyche. Find what makes you happy and fulfill it. It sounds you both have a strong relationship already as honesty with one another is something that brought your desire to tell her to come through.

You should be comfortable in your own home alone and with family. Find that balance. Keep her informed of changes, this way she will remain open to your honesty and not question any more than she will as naturally we do.

Accept yourself as much as you want her to accept you. This is my struggle now and not in our home but my insecurity with family and public perception.

[christylee_sf]

Sarah, its great you have this courage. I'm still at the point to keep Christy being on the side. I'm ok with it now, but making baby steps towards what you did, and hope to get past this in my life....

[Maria 60]

I hate to say it but it had to be done. Your relationship will thank you because at the end of the day it's better she heard it from you instead of somewhere else. It sounds like your relationship is strong and if it is there should be no problem. Hope it all works out and keep us updated. Wish you luck.

[Jess S.]

Sarah,
You are very brave it is the right thing to do. I hope all works out seems it will.

[Jenniferathome]

...If she doesn't *accept* it, in fact, *encourage* it. Then it isn't quite right. Not to throw any shade on you or your partner... good that you are not lying. I do have to say that it sounds like you have ended up in a DADT situation...

Where do you come up with this garbage? It's been a few DAYS since Sarah came out. How can anyone, and you in particular, make an assessment as to where this has "ended up"?

And to even assert that encouragement is some requirement from our wives is simply insane. Only the wholly self-centered could possible even think that. I fear for any partner in your life.

[mechamoose]

You are free to disagree with me, but it isn't 'garbage'.

I have been living this life since I was 25, and I'm 51 now.

I come up with this 'garbage' from my personal experience, burned bridges and all. (and I have burned many)

You either have a partner who 'gets' you or you don't. It isn't much more complicated than that.

I can only respond to what they present. If their current course of action and logic leads them into a DATD situation, well, that isn't on me. That is what they presented. I'm voicing the sad tale of experience. (Well, MY experience at the very least)

My 'encouragement' is aimed at having a member accept themselves, regardless of what anyone else thinks, even their marriage partner. After all, you didn't just make promises them, they made promises to you.

"Garbage", indeed.

- MM

[Sarah Louise]

If you want to dress up in the 'other' genders clothing, you have some level of dysphoria.

I'm glad I'm not young and impressionable and confused about my crossdressing. Comments like this would be very unhelpful.

I totally disagree with you. I like being a man. I like my man body. I especially like my 'man bits'. We've had a lot of fun over the years😉. Occasionally wanting to dress as a girl doesn't confuse me and make me hate my body.

I'm very happy with how things have turned out this week. Tolerance from the one I love is more than enough, but I suspect things could get better with a bit more time.

[mechamoose]

I totally enjoy my 'man bits', thank you.

What are we disagreeing about?

Look up my intro, and look up my posts, please. (At least look up my intro. Use 'moosedaddy' for your search phrase)

I'm an androgynous person. I have been living this way for years.

All I was trying to say is that while it was wonderful that the OP's partner didn't run away. All sie got was 'tolerance', not 'acceptance'. Those are very different things.

We (in my opinion) all need to require acceptance. To me, tolerance isn't enough.

If you don't agree, fine. That is up to you. I'm still going to try and impart to every member I can that hiding isn't necessary. It isn't the ticket to being free. Honesty is. I have lived as an 'in-between' person, not accepted by either side, for half my life. I might have something relevant to impart. I might not fit all those who are 'truly trans', but I still represent a section of our membership. I have nothing to be sorry for, (at least here).

If you have a disagreement with that, then that is ok. Your decision.

Our new member is doubting themselves. They don't need to and they don't have to.

What did I do? Point out that they were heading for a DADT situation? Don't you see that is what is lining up?

Why is my pointing that out bad or wrong? If you saw someone heading for the rocks, wouldn't you say something? Would you just let them crash?

Been there, done that, I have the (bloody) T-shirt.

I'm not being a jerk, honest. I'm attempting to be a realist. Life is life. Life happens, successes and failures. I don't warrant the vitriol being laid on me over this.

If tolerance is your goal and you got it, then great.

I could never live with just tolerance, but that is just me and my goals, To me tolerance is someone accepting a failure/weakness, and I don't believe that we are failing or weak. We are just 'different'. No apologies required.

- MM

[Lorileah]

k kids...most of this can go to PM. Now back to the thread

[ReineD]

Congratulations Sarah, so glad you and your wife got over the hump! :)



You clearly have a lifetime dysphoria issue.
MM, Thanks for your thoughts, but this simply isn't the case. I'm just someone who's cross dressed on and off throughout my life and have felt guilty hiding this from my wife.
Pardon me dear, I have to slightly disagree.

If you want to dress up in the 'other' genders clothing, you have some level of dysphoria.

MM, what does dysphoria mean to you? I think you're confusing it with the enjoyment of doing something.

Here are the general definitions of dysphoria from online dictionaries:


Google: A state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life.


Dictionary.com: A state of dissatisfaction, anxiety, restlessness, or fidgeting.


Vocabulary.com: A state of mental discomfort or suffering. Abnormal depression and discontent.


Thefreedictionary.com: An emotional state characterized by anxiety, depression, or unease.


Wikipedia: A profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation. It can also refer to a state of not being comfortable in one's current body, particularly in cases of gender dysphoria. Common reactions to dysphoria include emotional distress or indifference. The opposite state of mind is known as euphoria.


WPATH (gender dysphoria): A strong and persistent cross-gender identification and a persistent discomfort with one’s sex or sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of that sex, causing clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Distress that is caused by a discrepancy between a person’s gender identity and that person’s sex assigned at birth (and the associated gender role and/or primary and secondary sex characteristics).



People can have the urge to crossdress without being dissatisfied with their male lives, or have anxiety, depression, suffering, etc. It's true that if a person has an urge to do something and they can't then they get antsy (I've experienced this myself several times), but this is not the same as being unhappy with the state of being male.

Sorry Lori, but it's important to address this when it comes up, as did the OP. There are far too many people here who think that crossdressers have gender dysphoria which is tragic, especially when CDers say they don't.

[mechamoose]

Reine, you bring up a great refinement to my thoughts.

I have an uncle that loves dressing up and doing Civil War re-enactment stuff. He does it as part of the hobby. I used to be in the SCA, and did similar things with medieval clothing. Many people wear something odd at the end of October. Those things are done for fun.

If you are doing it for self comfort, is it still the the same thing?

If I felt better and more like myself when I dressed up as Napoleon, isn't that some kind of dysphoria?

I never said 'gender dysphoria', I said just 'dysphoria', though the 'gender' part is more than implied, I suppose.

I wear women's clothing to reflect part of myself and to give myself comfort. It is the same reason I paint my nails and wear pretty jewelry. It is expressing an element of myself. I am not trapped, I am not looking to transition. I'm just looking to feel more like myself.

If you are doing it for fun (in whatever flavor) then it is just fun. If it makes you feel better, then that is a psychological condition, is it not?

Thank you for stepping up to the debate podium and giving me a reasoned reply. I was never looking for a fight. I was looking for a discussion. Please continue.

<3

- MM

[Pat]

Wow. I take a few days off and you guys start the interesting conversations... I'm kind of a word wonk and I have to side with Moose a bit on this. This site gets kind of funny because it's basically a site that discusses feelings not facts. And we all have our feelings and want to paint them with their exact shade of gray but words are very black and white which can make us uncomfortable. So some people describe how good they feel when they crossdress and how "pressure" builds up when they don't which would argue that the non-crossdressed person is feeling unease or dissatisfaction with their state (else why would it feel good when they stopped doing it?) And there's a term, dysphoria, which viewed dispassionately can describe that state. But we're talking about feelings. I think some folks avoid the term dysphoria because they don't like what they take as the implications. That is, they feel "If I"m dysphoric, then I'm disowning my male accomplishments or even my beloved family." At least that's my theory.

To take it to a less charged area, I play several musical instruments and I compose music. But I never say I'm a musician even though I think the dictionary disagrees with me. But I have internal expectations of what a musician is and I don't meet those personal criteria. I believe that happens a lot on this site. Every time I come here I smile because it reminds me of the person who wrote that they enjoy putting on women's clothing and makeup and a wig, "but I'm not a crossdresser." Clearly the term crossdresser was a charged word for that person and even though their behavior was exactly the definition of crossdresser, they felt they were not one because of some internal context of their very own. We see it a lot with the word transgender, "I'm a crossdresser, but I'm not transgender." Some of those people are saying transgender when they mean transsexual but others seem to be carrying an internal definition of the word that doesn't appear in any dictionary.

All of that said, this is a site that discusses feelings not facts. I think we should accept each other's testimony of our feelings even if it doesn't square with our own view of the situation. And we should understand that people offering a different viewpoint are working from a desire to be helpful. Presume good intent. ;)

[mechamoose]

IDK , somebody here just laid theyre love and life on the line and had what to them is the most amazing result in the world, the person they cared the most about in the world did not run for the hills screaming derogatory words as she looked for a lawyer, theyre TALKING and LEARNING about something they have knowledge about for a week??? they revealed to theyre mate...................and somehow they did not do it right ................are you kidding me........busting bubbles........were judged by society enough..........we come here to get away from it.....


The OP did nothing wrong, but what they got was an 'ok, *shrug*'.

That isn't the most wonderful answer in the world. I have that, actually. She asked what size I was and has bought me clothes. *That* is the best answer I could ever hope for.

Again, the OP did nothing wrong, and their mate responded.. um, not negatively. That isn't quite the same an diving in and being invested.

Not trying to be a jerk, I'm just relating my personal experience.. with the goal of sharing that it *is* possible. It can be that stress-free.

- MM

[Tina_gm]

Oh, my, god.... one week, and now since your wife has not packed her bags, you really think the lights are just all green?? I would not ever predict that a partner will leave over CDing alone, but holy premature assessment bat girl. One week is still no where near enough for her to even truly get a grasp on this. You may want to hold off on the all clear for say a few years, at least.

MM- I am sorry but I just could not disagree with what you are saying more here. Your lines of gender and sexuality are very fuzzy to say the least. That is all fine and good for you. I am not holding anything against you or your wife for how you two choose to live YOUR lives. For most though, even for a good many in the TG column, those lines are a bit, quite a bit clearer.

Do you really expect, or should anyone expect that a partner having just been told a week ago should not only have full acceptance, biut encouragement, and that anything less is not good enough? How about the idea that this is a huge radical shift in the marriage, and it will take some time to adjust to. It will likely be done in very small increments (to be successful and solid) and due to the nature of a woman being a heterosexual, presuming that his wife is, even if she isn't.... that cross gender presentation and or behavior may never come easy to her. It usually doesn't. That does not make the wife a bad person, or close minded, or insert whatever negative adjective along those lines... It is the reality of a large majority of people. It is just the way things are. It is a part of most human nature.

We, the TG/CD/TS have to understand this. You MM have found a partner who is much like yourself. There just isn't enough partners out there to go around for everyone, regardless of their gender or sexuality. Heck, I have even read on here from gay CDers that their gay partners had a hard time accepting it and had zero interest in it. That would stand to reason as a gay man is attracted to MEN... Bi-sexual women are attracted to both, yes, but that does not automatically mean they want both in the same person. Chances are that a bi woman will want either a man or a woman. not both. We have seen that oh so many times on here. A CDer thinking that his bi sexual wife is being a hypocrite. No, she is not.

Sarah, I am truly glad for you that the top didn't blow off your house after the revelation. PLease just be cautious though and remember to give your wife ALL the time in the world for this. I truly mean all. Because this person has this, that person has that, every single one of us is unique. My wife accepts certain aspects of it that other wives aren't cool with at all, and vice versa. Some days she is more comfortable with it, other days, she wants her husband and nothing else/more. That is perfectly fine, seeing at the time, that is the person I presented when she fell in love with me, and the person I presented when she married me. Give her latitude, and lots and lots of it, please.

[Lori Kurtz]

I think you did the right thing, Sarah, but it ain't over until it's over. It's wonderful that your wife seems to be coping well, and that there's hope for the survival (and maybe even improvement?) of your marriage. Please be sensitive to what's going on with your her. This is a hard thing for most women to deal with, and feelings can change for the better or worse over time. It's up to you to do what you can to help her deal with those feelings. Congratulations on what you've accomplished so far, and best of luck to you both.

[Diversity]

I believe you did the right thing, and I speak from experience of a very similar situation as yours. Living a lie is not good. Your wife's reaction is normal and to be expected. Give her space. Give her time. Talk as often as she needs to and always be honest and open with your feelings. Be patient and understanding and look at things with an understanding of what this situation is like from her point of view before you speak.
In my case, nearly for years later, my wife had told me she would never leave me for this, but still does not want to see me dressed or be a part of it. I am welcome to do it as often as I need to, but not in her sight. She had however accepted me wearing panties every day, and a nightgown every night. It's not a perfect situation, but it is a compromise. Over time,I believe, she will soften some more, but that remains to be seen. The best part is that it is all out in the open.
I hope by offering my suggestions and sharing my situation with you it may be of some help to you.
Good luck to you, and you can know that this is an excellent site to come to for support.
Kind regards,
Di