Too defensive or just pessimistic?

[becky77]

I think I'm generally a positive person which helped when facing transition.
However when it comes to myself I struggle to see anything good.

Today I popped into a shop to grab some lunch, as I am standing there removing the teabag for my takeaway tea there is a shop worker refilling the sugars etc who waits politely for me to finish.
As I'm about to leave she opens the door and starts to tell me what a lovely complexion I have.

All I could think was that she had time to clock me and felt the need to say something.
Like 'It's a Tranny, poor thing I'll say something nice'.

It could have been genuine and yet I instantly thought the worst, put my head down muttering a thanks as I couldn't get out quick enough.

Now I think about it one way or another my low self-esteem let me be almost rude to someone being kind.

It's so rare someone says something complimentary that when it does happen I can't help but think it's pity or something. I really need to have a talk with myself!

[I Am Paula]

Take it as a compliment, and smile for the rest of the day. Most people out there are great, and wether she had you pegged as trans or not, she said something nice.

[pamela7]

too defensive and pessimistic. Becky your avatar looks lovely; i immediately though "woman" when i saw it the first time, and ever since. I would say she made an honest comment on your complexion.

PS the waitress at the cafe this morning looked down my cleavage - that's a first! I took that also as curiosity, but hey it could also be a compliment!

[arbon]

I am like that too when I get compliments from people I don't know (or even that I do know) - my first thought is always they are just saying that cause they need to say something nice to the tranny. Yep. Never been able to stop myself from automatically going there probably because I don't feel or think of myself as passable or pretty. And I know I am trans, different, and think others must see that.

[Meghan4now]

Just a thought,

If one is so dissatisfied with ones self (Or major part of ones self) that they are willing to take extraordinary means to correct that, I would imagine that one might just be a bit self concious and defensive about their image. When you realize this about yourself, you may be able to look at these situations more objectively.

I wish you the best in your continued self discovery. Sometimes we need to be reminded that at their best, people are pretty ok.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Omg... Smile gf... You're pretty. You have great skin and lovely complexion. I know we are all very critical of ourselves. I'm guessing it somewhat comes from being in stealth and perinoid for a long time but also trying to be the best we can.

Cheers... Jennifer

[becky77]

Thanks Jen, of course I don't believe you lol.

I guess it's natural to be protective of yourself when you have invested everything in this by Transitioning.

[Janice Ashton]

I often think that we are our own worst enemy;

Having lived in the male mode for so many years hiding our real thoughts and feelings of who we really are? I am of the opinion, 'When' we do actually come out and face the world as the real person we know we are, we continue to have those awful conscious thoughts that plagued us previously be it in our new gender.
How many times do you go about your normal day and the thought crosses your mind, 'Is' everyone looking at me!!!
Do you pass a sly glance as people pass you by in the street to see if they have clocked you, do look in those large shop windows to see 'If' as people go by they are looking at you behind your back. Do you get nervous as people approach you in the street especially if there a few of them. Do you cross the street if you feel uncomfortable with on coming groups of people coming toward you.
There are many things we beat ourselves up about and to be honest most of it is in our own mind.
I often get nervous when I'm out in public it appears inherent to me especially thinking back to the early days and how I used to panic if I saw a crowd of people heading in my direction!! But what I do find as a good tool (if you could call it that) to help me get by, is a 'Smile', if you smile at most people (not everyone you see) it appears to break the ice so to speak, and as for speak? I do engage people outside of them talking to me first and I find this helps me a lot even though my voice is not so feminine.
So Becky, I fully understand your feelings and I think most of us have these kind of thoughts and feelings? You are not alone, I guess it sort of goes with the turf!
A very good female friend of mine is constantly telling me, shoulders back, chin up and face the world girl, we are genuine people living our real life and not hiding in a persona we are not. It's a very brave journey we take, we don't take the decision lightly, if we can do this we should be able to face anything.
Finally after all is said and done, most people just go about their normal daily life and that's about it, so we should do just the same.

[Eringirl]

You're awesome Bex....take it full on as a compliment and enjoy the day !!

[Leanne2]

Hey Pamela, Maybe the waitress checked out your cleavage because your money roll was in there! LOL. That's what I would have to do.....................Leanne

[Suzanne F]

Becky
You do look great! I sometimes think people clock us and say something nice to show support. I try to be gracious since that is a much better response than some of the mean looks I receive. You are doing great, keep your pretty chin up!
Suzanne

[dreamer_2.0]

Take it as a compliment. They didn't have to say anything. They did however, and it was positive. As long as you didn't detect any sarcasm or scorn behind it, I believe it was genuine.

Hon, you a hottie. She was just letting you know she feels that way too. :)

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Most likely it was meant to be a compliment as long as it was delivered pleasantly. I think many folks we interact with in public may never have been up close to a TG person and they are sometimes intrigued by us. So yeah, maybe the person who commented to you did so because she read you as TG and wanted to compliment you in some way that acknowledged her acceptance of your right to be there and be who you are. I know we all want to pass all the time all the way and we don't like to be reminded of when we don't but the general public has no idea of that concept and so I just try to accept those kind of comments as positive events and not condescending.

I don't really pass hardly ever I suspect but a couple of times people have come up to me and asked me a question that required an answer and I think in both cases it was someone that wanted to hear my voice to decide M or F. My voice gave them the information they needed unfortunately. But I chalked that up to victory because they were so unsure about my gender that they had to resort to that. And it was interesting that it was so important to them to figure it out they crossed over into personal interaction with a stranger in public.

A nice comment about your pretty complexion is a lot better than a glaring frown or mean comment or that look of nervous discomfort that implies they want you to go away from them!

[becky77]

people have come up to me and asked me a question that required an answer and I think in both cases it was someone that wanted to hear my voice to decide M or F. My voice gave them the information they needed unfortunately. But I chalked that up to victory because they were so unsure about my gender that they had to resort to that.


That's exactly what I thought and because of that I became aware of my voice and clammed up.
I like your positive spin on it though.

Janice, I don't usually suffer any of those things I just get on with it. I walk past throngs of teenagers pouring out of school no worries. Yet I have rarely been stopped by a stranger for a random compliment it just threw me.

Weeks ago I was walking my dog when an elderly woman said 'You two make a handsome pair', now that was something I chewed over. Handsome? Isn't handsome a masculine description?
Why did she use the term handsome?? Would a Cis woman read anything into that description?

[PretzelGirl]

I think some of this may be about how we view ourselves and how we think the world sees us (yes, this is a common thought process). But I also think it has a layer of how we get comfortable in our day to day interactions. Someone walks by and gets a big smile. Are they clocking you or smiling to be pleasant? A hot guy looks you up and down. Checking out tells or checking out the hot lady? I say, why add another layer of stress when we have so much already. Accept them all positively like they are most likely intended. It takes time; the switch in our mind doesn't flip immediately. But try to lean the thoughts that way and see if it starts getting more traction naturally.