Hometown or new place?

[JanePeterson]

Good morning!

Just curious how many of you chose to transition in your hometown/ communities you are integrated in verses moving to a new place in order to transition?

I've moved constantly my whole life and don't really have a home town, but I wonder how being rooted in a community verses being unknown/new changes the transition process.

Support/rejection of friends and family + old baggage, or starting fresh with few allies and completely clean slate.

Thanks!

Jane

[stefan37]

If your plan is to move. I would transition in place and when all documentation is complete and your are comfortable. Then move to a new location where you can start fresh without the baggage

[MissDanielle]

I'm moving to a city where I have friends and family and there's a larger LGBT community as far as my religious beliefs go.

[Megan G]

I chose to transition in place, i live in a small town of approx 500 people, a town that everyone knows everyone and my family has 4 generations of history here. And I get the added bonus of being the first openly trans person in the area...

Since I am still in what I consider the early stages of full time I don't think I can honestly give you an answer how transitioning in place has helped or hindered my transition but can give some examples of pro's and cons of doing it..

When I first came out and started living authentically I was the hot topic at the local coffee shop where all the farmers and locals gather for coffee everyday and after church gatherings on Sunday happen. From what I was told by some of my friends was my whole life (40 years) was dissected and discussed as they looked for any past signs of me being TS.

The other "Con" of transitioning in place was the people that did not support me, the friends that I lost were very vocal about how what I was doing was wrong. So I was always worried/ looking over my shoulder when I went into the local grocery store, variety store that I may bump to these people..

There are lots of good stuff tho about transitioning in place, that includes having an easier time of establishing the support network needed for those bad times. I was truly blessed that when I came out I had quite a few people (90% women) that openly supported me and had my back. I was reunited with old friends and many all had the same thing to say "now it all makes sense, we always knew you were different but assumed gay". They have welcomed me into their inner circle/ social groups. These were the people I went to school with since kindergarten..

So in some aspects it helps but in others it's harder..

[I Am Paula]

A series of events put me in a new small town. As I began transition, I also started building a new life. At first, I was using two of everything, depending if I was presenting boy or girl. I thought it wise to have two banks, two gas stations...etc. I hindsight I'm not sure it mattered.
At any rate, it was all pretty public. A town of 1500 farmers, and their kin watched me transition. My inlaws have been in this community for 4 generations, and everyone knew my wife, even tho' she had been gone for many years. Her family has always been involved with their church, and nobody needs their address, it just 'the Moore place'.
So I started hormones, and gradually feminized my wardrobe. Let my hair grow, carried a purse, and wore forms. Very quickly it became appearant that I was a whole lot different from 'them'.
The amazing part- Nobody cared. They called me Paul, until I asked, then they called me Paula. The local church told me I was welcome anytime (I'm not a churchgoer). By the time I was full time, everyone around me had adjusted, and I became Barb Moore's wife. I got some resistance from her family (as has been documented in these pages), but now they have stopped fighting it. My adopted community has welcomed me, the morning coffee clatch pulled up a chair for me, and treated me as one of the girls (even though I don't know which end of a cow to milk)
Honestly, I don't think for one minute I would have been treated differently if I had moved to town as a woman (trans, or otherwise), and my apperantly lesbian marriage to one of theirs hasn't been mentioned either.
Who knows what has been said behind my back, and I don't care. I think if they were secretly ridiculing, or condemning me, it would show in their speech, or faces. Nothing. Every once in a while (four years later) my wife runs into an old high school friend, or a former neighbour. They ask who I am, and Barb just says 'wife', which causes a short pause, then back to whatever the subject was.
I don't know if there's such a thing as accepting, liberal, free-thinking farmers, if I moved into a magical fairy land, or if folks just don't give a hoot anymore. I'm trans, I know it, they know it, and that's the end of that subject.

[pamela7]

i'm choosing to remain, there's probably only one other place as accepting as here in the uk.

[Nigella]

Transition is hard, no matter where you are :( Consider the pros and cons of both scenarios.

I never considered moving anywhere else but where we had lived and gained a network of friends. Those friends and my employer were beneficial in helping my transition go very smoothly and the local community accept me as Nigella the person.

Whilst I have no doubt that moving and leaving behind a past life could be beneficial, I do doubt that it will be any easier than staying.

[JanePeterson]

It's a bit of a mute point for me, since I haven't lived in the same place for more than 4 yrs my whole adulthood... And my current town doesn't really have the employment opportunities I need for full time transition, so I'll likely be moving when the time comes anyway... But I appreciate the responses and am happy many of you have found acceptance in your community.

[arbon]

I transitioned in a small town where I grew up. The good part was not having to start over in a place where I did not know anyone.
There were challenges though, everyone knew what I was doing, it was very in the open, public, and everyone got to watch.
The other thing about it was the impact it had on my family here - daughter in middle school at the time, my wife, my mom. It was hard of them that I was so well known and they were all connected to me. My daughter was very embarrassed by it for some time and would not want to be seen with me. My mom too kept distance for a good amount of time.

[grace7777]

Jane, like you, I have tended to move around a lot as an adult,and do not really have a hometown any more.

My journey into the cd/tg/ts world started when I lived in Las Vegas, and continued as I have gone to Phoenix and now to San Diego. I would like to stay in San Diego, but I am starting to wonder if I will remain here.

Ultimately, if I do transition, the place where it will happen will be one that is trans friendly and offers good employment opportunities.

[Janice Ashton]

Hi Jane

I transitioned in the place I have lived for 29 years telling people I was intending to move away because I was changing gender. To my surprise nearly everyone who I spoke to said why move away you have lived here so long we know you well just stay and be the person you want to be. So this has made me change my mind on moving.

[Rachel Smith]

I have the utmost respect for anyone that transitions in place especially those from small towns. I left my home town when I decided to but before I started transition. I am from redneck-ville PA. and have lost every friend that I had there. I tried to keep those relationships going but that didn't happen. I can only imagine how much worse it would have been had I transitioned there. I do feel that it made it somewhat easier for my immediate family as they didn't become known as the family with the strange person in it.

[kiwidownunder]

Hi Jane
What a great question and one my wife and I talk about a lot.
We have lived in this small town all our lives and are quite well known.
For us it will ultimately come down to acceptance or lack of it.

Kiwi

[Leah Lynn]

Jane, You have to do what feels right to you. You need a good job, just living is expensive. Transitioning cuts deeply into disposable income. You need a safe community/neighborhood. You need transportation to work, to doctor's/therapist's appointments. Whether your own or public transportation needs to be decided. Close to a support group. So many factors need to be addressed before making a decision. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the luck in the world.

Hugs,

Leah

[PretzelGirl]

There will be those with a good experience transitioning in place and those that have horrible experiences. It is a mixed, and unpredictable bag. I transitioned in place and it went exceedingly well. For me, being able to stay at my job was huge for my stability and the support I got from coworkers. Moving away and being stealth sounds like a dream. But I am not the kind of person to pick up and lose friendships, so it would have never worked for me.

I do agree with Stephanie. If you want a clean start somewhere else, being as far into your transition as possible will help you make that clean start.

[Brooklyn]

I transitioned in place; you'll definitely find out who your friends are! I did change jobs, however. It's one thing for people to find out that you are transgender after they meet you, but if they knew you before transition, you'll get mis-gendered all the time and won't be treated right.

[Kate T]

I have transitioned in place (regional NSW, Australia, population about 15K).

We have lived here for almost 20 yrs. Going stealth was never really an option. Our acceptance within the community has been phenomenal.

HOWEVER both my wife and I can see the temptation and why others have moved and gone stealth. To be able to just be who you are, no history, no having to explain and justify your identity, our relationship, our family. Not having to worry that when your in a mixed group of people who have known you pre transition and those who have only known you post transition and someone slips with a name or pronoun and it's all just a bit awkward. I wonder if at times that perception though is just that, a perception. I have not felt like anyone who knew me before regards me as anything but female. In fact I actually suspect for many of them it actually makes more sense than when they were trying to treat me as male!

[JanePeterson]

Thanks everyone... Unless something catastrophic happens, I won't be leaving my current town for at least a year, but I only moved here in June.

My "community" has always been people I work with, since we all move all the time it's difficult to really be established anywhere... Unfortunately, for many reasons, Transitioning in this job is not going to work- so I'll be moving on somewhere when the time comes. My plan is to get as much electro done and get my voice figured out while
I'm here, build up a wardrobe, ID a good city for transitioning, and try to hold it together for the next year till I can take the plunge.

It is heartwarming to know that many of you who transitioned in place have found acceptance - I wonder if location/local culture plays a role in that, or if towns and people are pretty much the same no matter where you go...

[MissDanielle]

Chicago has an amazing LGBT community ;)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

just remember it doesnt matter what anybody else did other than to prove that anything is possible.

your situation is unique and you are used to moving around....i lived here all my life...my kids were in high school...moving was not a consideration for me..

others in a similar position needed work or had such a family problem they moved...some moved back, some stayed away...

its all possible and its totally up to you...


someone made an observation that i found valuable when i was transitioning...

they said that for those us that grew up feeling "wrong", it can be difficult to trust the thoughts in your own mind....as you realize that you are truly not a man and you truly need to do something about it, its really really hard to TRUST that thought...

and then as we plan our course, its hard to trust we are thinking straight (and perhaps we are not!!!)..and we are prone to wondering about all kinds of imponderables that we may have taken for granted...its pretty f'd up what went on in my mind for sure


get the best answers you can but for your own best interest try to trust your own gut and do what's right for you no matter what

[Marcelle]

Hi Jane,

I transitioned in place due to not want to give up my military career (can't really fight a posting). It had it ups and downs but for the most part was fine. However, as others have said each person's circumstances and experiences are going to be unique to their own situation and location. Sounds like you have a plan in place thought.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Jennifer-GWN]

there's a theme here... everyone will have a different experience regardless; in part driven by the people, in part driven by you and your approach with them.

My situation involved 3 individual worlds; Local home where I was mostly anonymous allowing me the freedom to get my feet firmly under me and build my confidence without having to deal so much with others around me that created opposition. Local family support (ex-wife and son was good). The 2nd sphere was work. I pulled that trigger only upon knowing deep down that I was ready to come forward. This part was quite drawn out and needed much planning and prep so as to minimum disruption of responsibilities. The final piece surprising was my childhood home town and family (my dad, my childhood friends, and everyone else I grew up with). This was Big Bang approach. Simply showed and made it public. I was very nervous leading up to this point and admittedly I'd done a bit of preparatory work ahead of time with a few close family members who'd be solid allies in the process (one Lgbt and one very close to my dad) to warm up my dad so he wasn't caught off guard.

I was told this morning that my comfort in who and am and a touch of a sense of humor has taken me a long way in my transition. Many people rush to judgement, if you can demonstrate your own comfort and confidence to others and keep the initial encounters with others a positive and fresh experience they will be more apt to be accepting of you and your situation. If they are simply pig headed than nothing you can say will change that and you just have to accept that fact, as much as it might hurt, and move on.

Cheers... Jennifer