Dealing with kids in public

[Rhonda Jean]

Yesterday it happened again, which is what prompted this post. I was at a salon that I frequent for a mani pedi and brow wax. Just sat down in the pedicure chair when a woman with a girl who was probably 4. I'm immediately uncomfortable and nothing has even happened yet. I'm not going to be deterred. I'll get some shade of red on my toes and French on my fingers. I can tell by the whispers (mom and daughter) that it's already starting and we haven't even gotten to the color yet. The mom takes a chair down from me and the girl sits beside her and stares and occasionally whispers to her mom. I go from there to get my brows waxed and then to the manicure table. The mom comes over right after me and the staring continues. We end up at the drying table together, then the questions/conversation begins.

I suck at this. It's happened since I was a skinny long-haired kid. It happens in the check out line and in restaurants, but hair and nail salons are the worst. It's worse for me when I'm not completely (or at all) crossdressed. I am comfortable around almost all women in these situations. Mildly uncomfortable around men. But I cringe at being around children whether I'm just wearing nail polish or fully dressed and everything in between. I feel like a freak, like a zoo animal. I'm such an oddity that careful explanation is needed. Even after decades of doing this exact thing, it's no easier. I've had a few of these encounters go exceptionally well with moms who seemed truly accepting and with kids who had great reactions, but literally a few. I don't know how to handle it. I try to ignore it, but you can't always. I've gone through all the "I just like to look pretty", and "Boys can be pretty, too!" crap that I can think of. I'm just not good at it. I always like interacting with women in the salon and I've never had even a negative experience. I've sat under the dryer with my hair in curlers beside a woman old enough to be my grandmother (Obviously when I was a lot younger!) and had a great conversation. I don't know how may times I've talked with women in hair and nail salons like I was one of the girls, even when I was in drab. I just freeze up and freak out when kids come into the picture.

I can't be the only one. I'd like to hear how everybody else handles these situations.

Rhonda

[BettyMorgan]

Kids are curious and seek answers, that's all.
If you have the opportunity to engage with a young child, then be honest. If you're in drab, getting your nails done, let it be known that boys can wear nail polish, too. Break the gender stereotypes wherever you can and don't be worried about how the child reacts. You have no control over that. But chances are, she would probably simply accept it.

[Sky]

I love playing with kids in any mode. Nothing better than making funny faces at them -and having them respond in kind. If they ask you why you're wearing a skirt say something bizarre, like "I'm a famous supermodel" or "Don't you know me from TV?" Their candor is a blessing we lose when we grow up, so I would never try to ignore or sugarcoat it.

[Nadine Spirit]

Kids are like dogs, they sense any sort of unease. I try and handle kids just like any other person, I smile and try and remind myself that there is nothing wrong with who I am and what I do. It helps to relax me.

[Tracii G]

Kids are cool I don't mind being around them in either mode.

[suchacutie]

Kids are trying to understand the world. If that child was with her mother often and the people in that shop were what she expected until you showed up, you are going to be investigated until she understands you as a part of her world. The next time you would just be normal.

[ReineD]

I'm with the others. These kids aren't being judgmental, they're just wanting to determine the rules. An important part of early childhood development is ascertaining one's gender based on the adults in the child's life and these kids likely do not know other men who wear nail polish or get their long hair done, else what you do would not be novel to them.

The kids who run into you have an advantage. They'll learn earlier than most (before prejudicial attitudes will have been formed), that gender cannot be neatly placed in one of two boxes. They will grow up to be less judgmental than children who will have had no exposure to people who fit outside the box, provided they continue to have positive experiences with variance such as the one you are providing and provided they will not grow up in intolerant spheres.

I know that you will continue to explain there are some boys who like being pretty too, but please know that you are just one of the vast community of people who teach children just how diverse is our society. What better way is there to grow up well-adjusted with acceptance of the vast array of cultural, racial, religious, sexual and gender variance that exists in our world, other than exposure through meeting people outside of our immediate spheres. It really is normal and healthy for kids to want to make sense of the diversity at a time in their lives when their definitions are expanding from their immediate families.

[Eryn]

Kids are amazing. They are open and curious when it comes to adults. I used to worry, but I no longer fear them.

Today Mimi and I were at the grocery store and encountered some young Girl Scouts at the exit. It's cookie season.

We strongly support the girl scouts because they are inclusive and haven't tried to discriminate against gay or trans children or adults as other youth organizations have.

We don't particularly care for their cookies, but they have a system where you can buy a box to be sent to our military people overseas. That sounded fine, we forked over the money, and the girls chorused "thank you" as only 8-year-olds can.

At no time did they show any sign that I was anything out of the ordinary for them.

In the case that a child asks a direct question, I try to give a direct answer, keeping it as simple as possible.

If I were asked why I was getting a manicure, I would reply that it was because I liked having pretty nails.

If I were asked if I was a girl or a boy I would reply that I was a girl, assuming that I was dressed.

There's no need to elaborate. They'll usually be satisfied with one or two answers.

Another approach is to follow up with a question or statement of my own. I ask them if they like to wear nail polish, compliment some obvious part of their clothing, etc. I keep it on an adult-child level.

[Ally 2112]

I was at an eye appointment a few years ago and a young girl asked her mom why i had long hair .Her mom replied sometimes boys have long hair it is no big deal .Made me smile no big deal

[Rhonda Jean]

Good answers! I think your answers will help me relax next time instead of cringing. It bears acknowledging that I've never had a noticeably negative situation with kids. Uncomfortable, but not negative. I don't run into kids often because I try to go when they're in school. I'm a little less uptight around the girls than the boys, but there aren't a lot of boys in nail salons. Last time there was a boy there his mom asked him if he wanted to get his nails done, to which he replied an emphatic NO. Seems like I've heard that exchange before, but I can't swear to it. Maybe on of these days the boy will say "Yes!" and I'll feel like I've accomplished some good.

[Tonya Rose]

Some people`s Kids... I Personally don`t care for them!!!!! :uzi:

[Rachelakld]

I smile and great them, like any other human.
Then some ask questions about me and I tell them.

I love kids, they have such open minds and always look for fun, but I'm getting old so anything more than an hour and I need a nana nap.

[Ceera]

At the start of this year, I got my ears pierced and my nails done with acrylic, French cut nails. So now, even when I am presenting 100% male, I still have those two feminine traits clearly showing. I go to the nail salon en-femme, because that is part of enjoying my 'girl time'.

Last week, when I got the nails re-done, instead of clasic white tips and natural nail beds, I got a narrow band of silver glitter over the white, and a band of blue behind that, plus the natural nail beds. Not really 'out there', but not at all what most men would do.

The only kid 'issue' I have had so far while in male mode was at a department store. I hadn't really noticed the kid or his dad as they passed the end of the aisle I was in while I was looking at kitchen stuff. But just as they got out of sight, the kid asked their dad something that I didn't quite catch, and the dad's reply was, "Well... Maybe he is gay...". But the tone of his voice was quite accepting and cool with that possibility. After that they were out of range for me to hear, but I was fairly certain the dad was telling the kid something along the lines of, "... And if he is, that's okay."

I don't get nervous or uncomfortable about people seeing my nails or earrings when I am in male mode, because there is no reason I can't have pierced ears or nice nails as a male if that is what I want to do. Virtually every time they have been noticed by someone, I get a complement on how great they look, and get asked where I got them done.

For the last couple of years, I've been going to a salon in male mode to get my hair recolored and eliminate my grey. Kids see me with the beautician working on my hair, and I just smile back at them. Haven't had one yet that reacted badly to me.

Kids get curious when something seems amiss. If someone looks frightened or ashamed, it draws their attention. But if you look calm and confident, there is much less to interest them.

My standard male reply if anyone asks why I have pretty nails is to say, "My nails split and chip easily. The acrylic nails protect my real ones and keep me from getting hurt. And if I am going to get them done, they may as well look nice, too." This is all true, and doesn't require me explaining that sometimes I am a girl.

Now if someone remarks on several feminine traits at once, like my nails, pierced ears and neatly waxed brows, I might well admit that I am transgender, and that sometimes I am a girl. That would depend a lot on the situation, and whether or not I had time for a longer chat.

[Helen_Highwater]

Perhaps we assume incorrectly that most people are unaccepting. I posted a while ago about waiting to use a "pay to pee" public toilet behind a mom and kid. Mom didn't have the right change so I gave her the correct amount (only 20p). While this was going on I could see the little girl looking at me and the cogs were going round in her head, not sure what she was dealing with. Anyway, mom said, " Isn't that kind, the lady's given us the money, say thank you". Now I don't know if mom had a further conversation with her daughter once out of ear shot to explain things but young kids aren't the problem. They're just curious. It's when they've got to their teens and haven't had the benefit of an accepting tolerant parent educating them that it can be a problem.

[CarlaWestin]

I like hearing stories about other people's kids and I like the fact that my kid is 28. I really can't stand being around other's kids in public. And it's not the kid's fault that they're untrained barbarians.

[heatherdress]

Kids are like dogs, they sense any sort of unease. I try and handle kids just like any other person, I smile and try and remind myself that there is nothing wrong with who I am and what I do. It helps to relax me.
Kids are like dogs? That is a horrible, belittling analogy.

[SamanthaSometimes]

The same thing happened to me too while in a nail salon in San Diego. The child was my nail technician's daughter. I'm not sure how old the child was but definitely younger than preschool. She asked her mother, "Is that man going to wear nail polish?" I was completely drab and had already picked out my color before taking the pedicure chair. Her young mother calmly told her "Men can wear polish too. They have nails just like girls do". Her daughter resumed playing with her toy and continued to do so just like I was any other customer in the salon. It was another wonderful affirming moment in my journey.

[Nadine Spirit]

Kids are like dogs? That is a horrible, belittling analogy.

Why? To say that kids pick up on things that we are not aware that we are even doing? I think you are underestimating dogs. Neither children nor dogs are are unintelligible and in many ways they can both sense things that we adults think that we can hide. If my wife and I are arguing, and my dog is nowhere near us, and has no idea because he couldn't hear us, when I then approach him, he knows something is wrong. Children are very similar. Without us even saying the words to them, when something is amiss, they can readily identify it.

[donnalee]

I like kids, possibly because I don't have any and lack experience, but more because their curiousity and imagination hasn't aquired the limitations imposed by society and their reactions are unsullied by prejudice. I also get on well with animals.

[Pat]

I'll chime in and say I totally get your discomfort. I've felt it too. But you have to play through it. You're not a freak, but you are a very rare person. It's probably safe to say they've never seen a transgender male (or whatever the correct term is these days.) And they may never see another. So here's the scary part -- you are potentially going to set this kid's attitude for life. Uncomfortable around kids? Damn right. But the trick to it all, just like with adults, is to be yourself. Be genuine, smile and stay open. Don't move to engage but don't avoid engagement. If you close down and provide no cues, the kid will impose behavior on you in their memory, if they think their friends want to hear that you were creepy or weird they'll say you were creepy or weird. If they have real memories to work from, though, they'll say what they actually perceived. (Hopefully that you seemed happy and normal.)

[lemon_meringue_tie]

Once when I was out (in male mode) I had a young girl come up to me after a lot of examination and ask "Why do you have long hair?". I guess she honestly couldn't reason as to why a male would have long hair. I simply told her the truth, "because I like long hair". Her response was "me too". I think she was satisfied with that answer.

Like others have said, a child isn't really judging you. They really don't know how to judge like adults do. They just don't understand, and they want to. Sometimes they will believe in gender stereotypes as "rules", but a child's mind can still be molded. You can teach how the gender guidelines and rules are silly and that people follow them for silly reasons. Most children will understand and see the injustice in stereotypes and meaningless rules such as these.

[Stephanie47]

Kids of the age of four have not learned the social graces of society. They have the tendency to speak their minds and ask questions. I suspect your discomfort is due in part because little kids see you as an aberration in their otherwise mundane life as something different. And, I do not say that in a bad way. They have minimal life experiences when it comes to encounters with men in a salon. Somehow kids pickup rather early what the societal norms are which then leads to an opinion. My wife told me decades ago of a bus ride with our daughter. Our daughter had long hair which eventually got down to her butt. My wife and daughter got onto a city transit bus and the driver had looooong hair and a beard. Our daughter just had a fit. She could not understand why the driver had loooong hair. In her mind only females were suppose to have looong hair. Nobody ever told her anything concerning hair length on men or boys. It was just something she encountered and my wife had to educate her it was perfectly alright for men and boys to have long hair. I remember decades ago while waiting for the Staten Island Ferry with my dad and brother we saw a person with beautiful brown hair down to the waist turn around and reveal a bearded man. My father's opinion had something to do with "damn hippies." Fortunately my brother and I were teenagers already and had already had school friends who wore their hair longer than a USMC buzz cut.

Maybe, next time use it as an educational experience for the youngster. I know sometimes sharing with others can be a gut wrenching experience.

[kittie60]

Kids don't bother me much unless they're misbehaving and no one does anything about it. Then I do a low growl and a evil eye look and then there alright. I was getting one of my wigs done when this 4 year old boy wouldn't listen to his mother and I growled at him. He shut right up. When I'm talking to the stylist I don't need an unruly child interupring me and pulling on my skirt. Obviously he must see someone do that or he wouldn't. I love kids, have 4, and 12 grandkids, 3 great grandkids. But they know how to behave in public. Sorry got a little long winded there.

[ReineD]

I suspect your discomfort is due in part because little kids see you as an aberration in their otherwise mundane life as something different.

No, young kids don't have rules yet so they don't see things as "aberrations". They just see new facets to the things they already know, and if no one tells them that what they see is wrong, they won't think it wrong. What they see will be added to their knowledge of the world and in Rhonda's case, it is that some boys enjoy being pretty. When old enough, they will translate this to "gender is varied, it is not binary".

[Eryn]

I seldom have an issue with children, but occasionally their parents leave a lot to be desired!

One fond memory of good parenting came while shopping at DSW for shoes. I was trying on shoes in one aisle while a mother was trying on shoes in the next aisle. Her young son was there and of course at that age heels are amusement park rides you wear on your feet. The young man was happily clomping around in a pair of oversized 4" heels and having a great time. Mom finished her selection and said "You have to put those back, but you can play with my shoes when we get home!" It was all I could do to resist giving her a hug! Her son is going to grow up well-adjusted and perhaps without some of the issues parents commonly impose on their offspring. What a great Mom!

[ReineD]

Good story Eryn! My middle son had an active imagination even more so than his brothers. I swear he thought he was flying for three years straight when he was little. He used to check every night to see if his wings had sprouted yet. He also LOVED to wear the pumps I had in the dress-up box because this made him taller than his older brother which meant he was endowed with super-powers! :)

Did he turn out more well-adjusted than the average male? I'd say he is extremely well adjusted, but then again so are his friends. Their mothers are of my generation which means they grew up influenced by Gloria Steinem. They worked, they expected everyone in the house to help out, they were conscious about not exposing their daughters to too many Barbies and her frou-frou stereotypical clothes. They got playhouses for all their kids to play in, not just the girls. They discouraged guns and other weapons as go-to playthings for the boys. It's true that I tended to make friends with women who shared my values, but there are tons of young adults today who were raised with mothers like that. I suppose this is why the Millenials are so much less uptight about gender and sexual boxes than prior generations.

This has even been Rhonda's experience! The mothers she ran into were perfectly OK with Rhonda's explanations. :)

Now having said that, there is a difference between being socially liberal and having an understanding and acceptance of gender and sexual variance as it applies to people who are at arm's length, and personal preference when it comes to choosing partners or having to hire someone who deals with the public in which there are still pockets of people who judge negatively (and might choose to buy products elsewhere) even if they are perfectly civil about it.

[Saikotsu]

At that age, they're still trying to figure out gender roles. If they ask, be honest. If they stare, look at them and smile. (be careful with that though, a man smiling at a child freaks out overprotective parents)