When you first began dressing, were you also confused with your sexuality?

[Tammy494]

Before I get jumped on, I know that the belief that all cross dressers are gay is NOT true. I've talked to many of you and I see how there are many of you who are completely straight. But my question is, when you first started dressing at whatever age it was, were you confused about your sexuality at first? Im not sure if any of you remember my situation, but I'm in a relationship with a CD. I had to break up with him for him to finally come clean and he BARELY confessed. It was more of him just spitting it out finally to win me back because I told him it was the only way. But I still have fears, and I still have no clue what's going through his mind. So He's 24 right now, what was going through your mind at this point in your life with crossdressing?

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi Tammy-

My situation is a bit different than others. I never cross dressed until sometime in my twenties. But I have always had gender non-conforming likes and behaviors. Anywho.... I have never been confused as to my sexuality. I have always known that I enjoy women sexually. Though with my likes and dislikes being so different than the typical male and having only ever been shown that any different type of male must be gay, I did question if I was gay. I have always come to the same conclusion though, if I was gay, shouldn't that mean that I am attracted to men? Which I never have been. So even though the answer to your question is a yes, I have pondered it, the answer has always been no.

I kind of think that if one never considers this question, that is more concerning than someone who does consider it. Because if one can't even consider it, then one is too afraid of what the truth might be. I am not afraid of being gay, I'm just not attracted to men.

[MissDanielle]

seeing as how gender identity and sexual orientation are two different animals, all I know is that I felt an urge to raid my mom's closet in 8th grade but did not understand why. Same goes for every time I entered a store that sold women's clothing. I was young and not educated enough to understand what was really going on at the time. i do know: i'm a woman born with the wrong body and starting HRT next week.

[Jenniferathome]

No. Never confused about it. I liked girls in grade school and that never changed. We are wired to be what we are. No one chooses straight, gay, whatever. Funny story, I had been dabbling in cross dressing since I was 8. But, when i was about 13, I wore my first dress. Moments before I put on the dress I wondered if doing so would "make me" gay. Like that's a thing. I mean I'm standing in my sister's room in pantyhose, a stuffed bra and her heels and I am wondering if a dress will put me over the top! Kids.... So stupid.

[Tammy494]

I kind of think that if one never considers this question, that is more concerning than someone who does consider it. Because if one can't even consider it, then one is too afraid of what the truth might be. I am not afraid of being gay, I'm just not attracted to men.

I feel this is a good viewpoint and I think it's important that he addresses this with himself even if he isn't.

I completely agree that they are two separate things, but as Nadine is saying, I'm wondering how many of you have been confused about it along with all of the other confusion that comes with the crossdressing.

[raeleen]

Hi Tammy,

I think that because society in general does not differentiate clearly between gender and sexuality, many of us are pre-conditioned to think that the two are linked. Pile that on with the fact that many crossdressers begin feeling the urge to dress early in their lives and then through puberty, when sex and sexuality seems to cross-over to just about everything, it all becomes one big murky mess.

If your partner is just starting to come to grips with their own dressing, it wouldn't be shocking if they were still questioning some aspects of their sexuality. Not totally shocking for anyone in their 20's. I'd try to be patient with him and just encourage him to be honest with you about what he's thinking. good luck!

[Adriana Moretti]

i was confused with my sexuality at a young age, but this had nothing to do with my dressing...from what i remember from back then...i dressed cause i enjoyed the clothes and I never questioned my own sexuality when dressed....when I wasnt dressed though I DO remember questioning my sexuality and wondering why I felt the way I did. Btw...I am pretty much gay.... or bi is maybe a better term i ( I would never kick the right girl out of bed) ...

[Jenniferathome]

...

I kind of think that if one never considers this question, that is more concerning than someone who does consider it. Because if one can't even consider it, then one is too afraid of what the truth might be. ...

But Nadine, how does one "consider" a subject when there is no question, no doubt, no debate? I am white. Should I consider if I am white? My sexuality is equally obvious to me. There is no internal debate, despite the fact that I cross dress. That's a thing, unrelated to my sexuality.

[carhill2mn]

No, I was never confused about my sexuality. I started wearing my mother's clothes at such a young age that I really knew nothing about sexuality at the time.

[LisaJ1]

No,I was not and figured that out in my late teens.I am bisexual and came out when I was 17 years old.My girlfriend knows I am bisexual and she is too

[BillieAnneJean]

Nope!
I am a guy 100% with about 37.621% female.

So I am 137.621% me.

But seriously, no my sexuality has always been as a male attracted to females. So when I am dressed that make me a pseudo lesbian I guess.

[Amanda M]

Tammy, when I began crossdressing I was most certainly not aware of my sexuality. I did not even know that different sexualities existed. I was simply drawn ( and this is NOT cop out) to female underthings. Don't ask me why. But I was. If this strikes a chord with anyone, please make your point.

Later, as an Army medic, it rarely crossed my mind. I then met my wife - who is the best woman any man could wish for, and initially I felt little or no need to waer the underthings I had enjoyed. However, true to type, the wish raised it's head again. At first, that was fine. However as time rolled on, I began to be more and more confused about myself, and this impacted on my wife. She is so perceptive that it was inevitable. We talked. WE tried to work it out, and to a certain extent we succeeded, thanks to her tolerance and acuity.

Later, though, things got tough. I started to throw guilt tantrums (and for those of you have any psychology training, these were transference)

Fortunately, I got a hold of myself, and over time, we are - well, one. Enough that Catriona gave me a birthday card which said "I am yours, for all of my life." How lucky can I be to have that kind of love?

In short, then, I am still "Straight" sexually. Never had any doubts about that. I think I am much like Jennifer - without the looks. Just being who we are, and enjoying the days we have left. Listen, young ones - they pass too soon. Make your life NOW. Tomorrow may be a bit late.

Thank you to all of those here who have helped, given me support and made me think. All of us out there need each other, so be kind, but honest.

Hugs to all!

[Teresa]

Tammy,
My dressing started sexually, but at the age of nine I never considered my sexuality. It wasn't until I came out to my wife in my forties that I really questioned what was driving me, I felt then that I was both male and female in the same body. A counsellor at that time discounted it but bringing this, I questioned it again recently and provided a different answer and one I'm now comfortable with. Now I know my male side is overlaid with a female trait intertwined with my sexuality, the nearest description being a male lesbian, basically it has been about fifty years of internal conflict !
I can deal with it and live with it now I know what has been tearing me apart.

[Mayo]

I'm somewhat uncertain about my gender but not my sexuality, which I've been pretty clear on for decades - I'm 'heteroinclined', meaning that I prefer women but don't mind being with men. On the other hand, I've only been dressing (in private) since last year and questioning my gender for a year or so before that - I'm currently thinking of myself as non-binary but still primarily male (maybe 80:20?). The fact that I do occasionally like sex with men (and could probably have a romantic relationship with one if the right guy came along) has nothing to do with my gender.

If you're seeking affirmation that your partner isn't gay, nobody can give you that, either here or elsewhere. Most of us are pretty much straight (50-60%, including bi-curious) and the percentage who are gay (maybe 5-10%) probably isn't much higher than in the general population, but the percentage who are more or less bisexual (30-40%) might be. Odds are that he's straight, but only he knows for sure (if he even does).

[Tammy494]

I think I need to be honest here and explain why I have this fear. Months back, I found a bunch of links on his laptop and they were all either profiles to CDs/TS people and/or links to what seems like CD/TS porn. Most of them seemed to be old so the link didn't work anymore. I came across 1 non CD/TS link of two men. When confronted, (this was when he was still denying crossdressing too) he lied about it obviously, but said he has the worst luck and that my mind is probably made up. He said he's really not gay, and if I'm being honest I've NEVER had suspicions that he is even before AND after me finding out about the crossdressing. But after finding that, I don't know what to think. He has always seemed very into me and women and we've always had a good sex life and he has never seemed interested in men, and has never been homophobic at all. I'm terrified to post this because of the honest replies that I will get from all of you but I need to know if I should seriously be worried or if it's maybe just a fantasy that will never be lived out. He has never cheated on me, and I don't feel that he ever would but the trust is pretty shaky right now.

Also, to clarify, the profiles didn't even look like porn, it was more like just videos of Them dressed and going out, ect. And there were more profiles than the other links. I don't know if this makes a difference.

[pamela7]

no, the dressing augmented my sexuality :-)
what the dressing has done is to question my gender and led to me understanding my pains, suffering and life experience, and knowing my true gender.

[Lorileah]

the thing is that many if not most of the crossdressers when they start have this run through their mind. It is because of societies little boxes. If...then. I am happy so many here were dead set at early age to be one or the other, bravo. I wasn't. I was confused. And to make this even MORE confusing I was a TA for human sexuality in college 4 semesters (pre-AIDs and I was about 24) and we said everyone was who they are and that they should enjoy what they liked (within certain limits). Side note: this class let me know I wasn't the only "Crossdresser" or TG in the world and part of what allowed me to come out.

Point is, having worked with early college age kids I found out that many ARE confused about sexuality or parts of sexuality. Most of this confusion was taught. So in the OP's case I am not sure that is the case, but in the 1980's it was. Add to that, that many of my students had had some sort of homosexual contact and they liked it but not enough to say they were gay (thus the curve on sexuality where no one is one or the other totally). Did I dress for sexual reasons? Back then I did everything for sexual reasons. But the dressing was something different. Being an average 24 year old, I would not be surprised how many did dress and make it sexual.

So, the point. I wonder if the OP's SO isn't just doing what he thinks is expected of him. I know I remember thinking I needed to try a man when I started ...restarted...20 years ago. In my case, it wasn't a leap, I knew I was bi (leaning heavily to women tho). My opinion is the thought goes through most CDs heads

[Sarah Louise]

This never crossed my mind when I first dressed as I was about four when I first put on my mum's tights. However, as a teenager I dabbled more and more and I did question whether this would make me gay, even though I had no such feelings and liked girls. (It's confusing being a kid!)

Fortunately, my dad, being very enlightened, had bought my older brother a book that gave factual information to boys about adolescence and what their bodies were going through. Later, this was passed down to me. There was a section about transvestites and it pointed out that most were heterosexual. This book really helped me as this was in the early 1980s - there was no internet. Not only did I realise that I wouldn't turn gay, but I also realised that it wasn't just me who liked to wear women's clothes.

The book was called 'Boys and Sex'. You can still buy it on Amazon.

[2B Natasha]

Hi Tammy

I think, in your situation it's a very fair question. You preface it by saying when we where young or our first time. But I think your really wondering what your BF is perhaps not telling you. Since it took almost you leaving him for him to come clean about dressing what else is behind the curtain. Is he BI? Is he Gay and won't admit it? Is he straight? ( Whatever that means LOL ). Is there something hid in there that he is not telling you. Since you've read allot of post's you must have read that many of us stayed in the state of denial for a LONG TIME about even being crossdressers. Our experiences are only placards along the path for you to read. Fortunately or unfortunately each of us has a unique journey with a unique ending point. I hope BF comes clean all the way. For both of you. So he can get it out and not carry that weight if he is and for you so you can stop the wondering and just get back to the loving part. That loving part is the good stuff.

Cheers

[Nadine Spirit]

But Nadine, how does one "consider" a subject...

Because I consider everything. I question everything.

Am I white? I think so.... at least that is how my skin looks. But being adopted, I don't really know my ethnicity. So do I ponder it? Yup I do.

Unlike many, as a youngster, I did not realize that sexuality is not connected to gender. Thus I thought it might be connected.

I question a great deal of things that I am becoming more aware that many people don't.

It is simply my opinion that questioning one's likes, dislikes, behaviors, traits, etc. is a healthy thing. Clearly you and I disagree.

You know that whole "unexamined life" thing?

[Mickitv]

Certainly never understood it when I was young. As I got older and began to understand I just loved it and as I dressed more I knew that I wanted to be with men but I did add women later which is why I consider myself bisexual

[sometimes_miss]

But I still have fears
Sooooooooooo, pretty much nothing has changed. Kudos, however, for sticking with it this long.

I'm pretty sure that after the first time any of us crossdressed, we wondered why we did it; maybe only for a few seconds, others, contemplating the behavior for much longer. Then, later, we may have wondered if any other boys did it too. Some of us would go on to try to figure ourselves out, while others would 'bury it' in our psyche, hoping by ignoring it, it would go away. Sounds like your BF is one of the latter. Some of us, perhaps because of societal, familial and religious stigmas against men being feminine or gay in any way were taught to us as those being the absolute worst things any man can be, cannot even consciously consider those possibilities. So, there is a possibility that he's dealing with that, and, if so, this could be a very long road ahead of you. Still, you're going to learn a lot by continuing your investigation into all this, maybe even eventually going into one of the mental health fields to help others deal with their own gender identity traumas.

Here, I'll quote your post in the other forum:


Well I'll quote his answer "yeah so maybe I was, doesn't mean I still like to do it."
This indicates that he still can't accept his own behavior. Until he can, he will keep holding back things that both of you need to know in order for him to make any progress.

Until he can talk to you without holding information back, trying to guess can very easily confuse the issue, as he may feel one thing, but suspect you might accept what you suggest better than what he's really feeling, so then lead you on the wrong path because he's afraid the correct one will end badly. I'd suggest keep trying, and maybe at some point he will be able to trust you enough to tell you everything he's feeling. Only then will you be able to start figuring him out.

[Kimberley May]

Well yes and no. I knew that I always liked women, but having very little luck with them over the years I did start getting confused thoughts about guys too. But the crossdressing was always initially separate from that, as I briefly dabbled for 5 minutes here and there whilst growing up, which I believe still to this day as a kinda mechanism to feel closer to romantic female intimacy which I had lacked.

Now I am coming into my mid 40's I recently got into CD though in a much fuller way, just a few months back. Really only a month after I split with my longterm girlfriend after 7 years. I believe it's a reaction to that loss of female intimacy again. But as I was still always bi-curious, dressing up and stumbling on two certain CD dating websites, initially I was just looking for some kinda support not really fully realising at first what these certain sites were all about, but after being given approving attention and propositioned countless times, something I never experienced before, the bi-curiousity finally got the better of me. I guess my mid-life crisis finally kicked in, in a massive way.

I met up with a couple of guys on one weekend late last year shortly after the break-up, one on a Saturday and another the next day. It was a real surreal rabbit hole weekender moment in my life. TBH, I regret it. Sure I have satisfied my curiousity and now realise that I am straight, not bisexual. But on the other hand, I can't get the feeling of violation out of me. Particularly the second day where I immediately ran a hot bath. I could smell his odour for days. I only have myself to blame.

I then decided to leave those decadent sites and found this much nicer place. I guess I just lost it for a while after splitting with my SO, but the dressing still continues although I feel it is still more a part of my depression and finding some solace without a woman in my life. Thing is though, shortly after my strange weekend, I met another woman, and we're still dating to this day and have become more serious. But now I've got myself hooked on the CD'ing which she doesn't know about. I am hoping that it might just be another passing phase. But at least it doesn't make me feel that sense of shame and regret as I do on that surreal weekend, and we're also not living together and I only see her on the odd days. I think I'll just keep my CD'ing private as an escapism for now, until such a time comes when we may move in together then purge, as I am getting the impression that she wouldn't approve, and my relationship with her is more important to me. I'm still very comfy in drab mode as I have been most of my life without a second thought anyway.

[JessiFoxx]

No not all, I started dressing at a very early age and sexuality had nothing to do with it o even crossed my mind. It was all about the shoes and clothes for me. Once I hit puberty and became more aware of my body I did question myself like I'm most of us have even for a brief moment. But I'm def straight. If I were to transition I'd hope to be able to stay with my wife whom I love with all my heart.

[Diversity]

I was never confused with my sexuality. I just found myself enjoying the experience of crossdressing, and to this day, 60 years later, I still do not really understand why I derive so much pleasure from doing so. There must be some hidden compartment locked away in my brain that has never been opened.
I may try reverse hypnotherapy some day, to see if I can unlock this compartment. However, at this point in time, it doesn't really bother me that I don't know the reason, as I am just happy about being me, and having come clean with my wife four years ago. I am at peace with myself.
Di

[Alice_2014_B]

I personally have never been confused about my sexuality, to include when I learned that I loved wearing high heels and skirts.
:)

[I Am Paula]

I figured, since I'd never heard of 'normal' men wearing wearing women's clothes, that I must be gay. Turns out I was right, but then I transitioned, so I wasn't, or maybe I was, but I'm not, I guess. I confused now, and I'm going to sit down.

[Katey888]

Tammy - like many others here, when I started I had no idea of the complexities of sexuality - it was a need derived from some other part of my persona but not initially sexual. As others have said before me - if you're looking for reassurance as to his behaviour, we won't give you that by just 'voting' on it and sharing our own feelings. :hugs:

As to guys looking at porn - is there anything more normal in today's world? I had to lockdown our family PC many years ago when our youngest (at about 12 or 13) had started browsing some of the more lurid stuff on the web... :eek: After some discussion it became clear that this was nothing more than curiosity. Because it remains so taboo, it's exciting to jump a fence - go where you shouldn't... curiosity is natural - at some point you have to trust him as to his motivation for being curious - there's nothing explicitly wrong with being intrigued by what lights other folks' rockets... ;)

Lori also said it right about everyone wondering whether this meant something about their sexuality once they developed a better idea of what sex actually means to people as they mature - I'm sure I wondered about it, but having never felt any moments of lust for a guy, it seems that I am rather boringly straight (unless - as a good friend of mine would probably say - I just haven't met the right guy yet... ;))

I'd say go back and work on communication between the two of you - he may take years to really understand his motivation for doing this, but if you're prepared to work with him on understanding, then I think your trust may build.

Good luck! :)

Katey x

[docrobbysherry]

Tammy, I'm definitely an odd duck on this issue. But, maybe u can get something from my experiences?

I grew up and matured with absolutely no gender or sexual issues. I was quite simply a straight male until I reached age 50+. Then, I suddenly began having fantasies of becoming female and being with men! I began crossdressing in private. I was pretty sure I had suddenly become gay/bi because of my graphic fantasies of being the woman with men. Which confused me because I had never been attracted to any man before.

I dealt with this issue for 10 years until I resolved it in a rather simple manner. I still had these sexual fantasies with men. But, I had never been attracted to any real male or any male parts, including sex parts. But also, shoulders, facial hair, muscles, self assured personalities, etc., etc. Soon after I worked this out the fantasies completely vanished!

Again, no idea if that's where your SO is. Maybe u can ask him pointed questions to see where he is?:straightface:

[Tracii G]

I learned I liked crossdressing when I was a junior in High School.
Had a small test of my sexuality with a boy around that same time.
I did lead a normal life got married and had kids but the sexual aspect was just that a sex act, nothing too much more because my partner wanted it.
I was confused to some degree until I realized I was more interested in guys not girls.
Gender and sex are two different things and I know most people can't grasp that concept but I hope you can.

[Judy-Somthing]

I've always been very attracted to women. And have never even had any curiosity in trying anything with a man.

[AmandaM]

Hi Tammy,
He might just be "exploring" his feelings. I went through this. I've crossdressed since 5. At 21, I wanted to know if I was gay. So I went to a bar and went home with someone. We went all the way. It was pretty much mechanical. While pleasurable, it just wasn't fireworks like with women. From 17-25, I was a player. I have been with more women than most. Still, I've always had the lingering fantasy of being a woman with a man. Man on man didn't work for me. Anyway, since I'm still married, I won't indulge that. My advice is that curiosity or fantasies are okay, but, if he has a need to indulge himself with anyone other than you, it's best for you to find out right away.

[Chelsea B]

I have always loved women, not only from the sexual/gender attraction standpoint, (and of course the wonderful things they get to wear), but pretty much everything about them. I've never wanted to be one, but when I started dressing at 14, I think it may have been that admiration that I had already developed that enticed me to try and see what it felt like.
As I was just coming into puberty, there was a powerful sexual component as well, incredibly arousing. Despite that, I never had any confusion about what I was and what gender I was attracted to.
I love being a man, I just love feeling like a woman sometimes, and getting to know my feminine side.

[Mayo]

I think I need to be honest here and explain why I have this fear. Months back, I found a bunch of links on his laptop and they were all either profiles to CDs/TS people and/or links to what seems like CD/TS porn. Most of them seemed to be old so the link didn't work anymore. I came across 1 non CD/TS link of two men.
TS porn is very much available nowadays and I think a lot more men look at it that would be willing to admit. (Be aware that this stuff by and large doesn't reflect the reality of the TS community, in the same way that porn in general isn't a realistic sample of how most people look or what they do). My (not extensive) reading on the subject doesn't suggest that it's in any way an indication of homosexuality - it's made for (nominally) straight guys and gay men probably wouldn't be very interested in it. To find a single link of two guys in what is undoubtedly a pile of porn doesn't suggest that he's gay either. He might very well be bi-curious, though.

I understand that you're concerned, and I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings, but I'm unclear from your posts on exactly why you're feeling so threatened. You don't seem to be (too) worried that he might cheat on you, so I'm led to conclude that your (not unreasonable) fear is that, if he's gay, he'll leave you - or that he won't and it'll come out after you've invested 20 years in a marriage and family. Is that it?

You mention that he's not homophobic, but are you? Are your views about what constitutes masculinity being challenged (is he 'not man enough' for you)? Would it be a terrible thing for you to learn that he might be bi or bi-curious? If he were, would non-monogamous sex play (e.g. threesomes, or perhaps an open relationship) be something you'd consider, or do you see those sorts of things as potentially detrimental to your relationship? Would you be open to pegging him if he wanted or does that thought disgust you?

I suppose I'm wondering if you have a clear understanding of your fears or is it more of an unfocused 'what if' thrown up by the unknown? Being able to articulate exactly what's worrying you might be helpful.

[Kiersten]

No, I am and always have been attracted to girls.

[Georgette_USA]

No, had no interest in men. Wanted to be with other girls as another GF. Never thought of having sex with them as had NO interest in my male bits. Only after SRS did I have a lesbian affair for awhile, on my terms FtF. I did have sex with str8 men for awhile. But they did not give me the satisfaction I was after. I lived with another MtF for 38 years. Not a lot of sex but a very loving time.

[Tammy494]

Wow a lot of great replies. Every time I come on here, it blows me away how helpful and knowledgable you all are. I appreciate it a lot. I'm very aware that nobody here can give me a clear answer as to how he feels, it just helps me to understand more and rationalize what could be going on with him. He knows we have to talk about things, I think he's just scared. It's only been about 2 weeks since he admitted it. I set boundaries not to use my clothing and we discussed getting him his own.

As to your questions Mayo,
Honestly you've asked a lot of questions that I haven't thought of. I am not homophobic at all, never have been. However at this current time, being with somebody bisexual or gay is very past my comfort zone. It's not that I think it's wrong or gross or anything like that. It's simply that I feel
If he were bisexual or gay, the desire to be with a man would only increase over time. Without me knowing, this would definitely devastate me if I found out way down the line. I have read things about a lot of straight men looking at TS/CD porn and I also considered the fact that it might just be something new and different for him to look at. I won't know until we truly talk about it. I'm not concerned with him being "less manly" because I love that he has this feminine side, and I want to learn more about that side of him. This is all still new to me even though I've been on here for a few months but I just wanted to get input from all of you lovely individuals because it really gives me comfort and I learn more and more every time I come here. :)

[Jenniferathome]

Tammy, "straight" men do not watch at TS/CD porn.

[heatherdress]

Tammy - If you discovered that your boyfriend was crossdressing, and if he denied dressing until you broke up with him, and if he only BARELY confessed, and if you have found TS porn links that disturb you - and if you still have fears and no clue what's going on in his mind - you probably need to get some help beyond the array of opinions and stories offered in this thread. No one here is a therapist or professionally trained or experienced to address serious relationship issues which you seem to have. No one here is exactly like your boyfriend and no one knows him or you. There are several serious red flags for you to deal with - honesty, communications, crossdressing, possibly more? Maybe you should confide in a friend you trust, who knows him and might be more objective than you. Maybe you should seek a therapist who could help with an approach to address your fears. Maybe you should insist your boyfriend sees a therapist. Get help or your fears and doubts will continue and might get a lot worse.

[Katey888]

Tammy - this is surely a difficult situation for you to try to come to terms with - I'd suggest taking your time over all this to absorb what you're feeling and what has been revealed. I wanted to highlight something that you said that I've seen before here and while not homophobic, I think does stem from the conditioning we have as 'normals' and is a stereotypical reaction:


Honestly you've asked a lot of questions that I haven't thought of. I am not homophobic at all, never have been. However at this current time, being with somebody bisexual or gay is very past my comfort zone. It's not that I think it's wrong or gross or anything like that. It's simply that I feel If he were bisexual or gay, the desire to be with a man would only increase over time.

Try to step back a little and think about what you've said here... Imagine for a moment he wasn't bi but was just mega-mega-straight... :) Would you imagine that just being with one woman in a monogamous relationship would eventually lead to a desire to be with other women over time..? :thinking: Wouldn't that just make all mega-hetero-straight guys a bigger risk for infidelity...? Actually, it probably does... :devil: There's a curious myth to couple broader sexuality with promiscuity and this is clearly not necessarily the case - people's commitment to their partners is NOT connected to their sexuality. There are plenty of hetero partners that stray because they do have a bigger pond to go fish in... ;)

If you're still worried about the TS porn, please don't place a lot of stock in what might just be curiosity - if he's well balanced in other ways, there is no way that just watching something on the web makes you gay, bi, a pervert, or anything (unless it's illegal, of course...). I'm a hetero CD/TG and have been for 5 decades - I've seen porn of many different variants, the sexual stuff does nothing for me at all: hetero, bi, gay, multi, whatever - I guess that means I just prefer real-life experiences... ;) And no, none of those have been with anyone other than females... Coincidentally I was speaking with a close GG friend about porn recently (she brought it up!) and she was surprised that it did nothing for me - it obviously did more for her (she is quite liberal in a sexuality sense...) but that's another story.. ;)

All of these things are simply aspects of individuals - ultimately you just have to decide whether or not you're comfortable with these aspects...

Take your time - keep thinking and keep balanced.. :)

Katey x

[Kate Simmons]

I always felt I was really a girl but for some reason was given a boy's body. I just made the best of it and started dressing the part.:battingeyelashes::)

[S. Lisa Smith]

But Nadine, how does one "consider" a subject when there is no question, no doubt, no debate? I am white. Should I consider if I am white? My sexuality is equally obvious to me. There is no internal debate, despite the fact that I cross dress. That's a thing, unrelated to my sexuality.
I never questioned my sexuality as well. I agree with Jennifer and couldn't have said it any better.

[MarciManseau]

I was about 5, so nothing to be confused about at that age.

[karen inside]

Likewise too young to understand. But as an adult getting divorced with some serious rejection, questioning my self esteem i did question-never crossed the line though. women are simply too mesmerizing for me.. face, eyes, and all the equipment they have on their playground. from the clothes they wear to their posture and movements, they are beautiful, so much for me I wish I could be like them. Although I am aroung mature gay men every day (when i say mature-they are not out to prove anything, are in solid relationships, stable emotionally and don't hit on anyone or even discuss it) I only desire females..so beautiful.
For tammy- are you masculine, are your nails dirty, do you have BO? probably none of these and so he is attracted to you so much that he is concerened about losing you. If he loves you that much, you can make him what ever you wish- you as a woman control his ego, his desires so with subtle effort on your part he is "putty in your hands"

[Krisi]

No, I was not confused.

[Raychel]

No confusion at all for me, Always like women.

[rockerreds]

No, I have always been heterosexual.

[Tammy494]

Tammy, "straight" men do not watch at TS/CD porn.
I honestly should not have worded it like this, but I've read a lot about people being curious and looking at different types of porn like this.

And katey, that's a good perspective, I see what you're saying about infidelity. Maybe I don't actually know what scares me about the possibility. I'm trying not to put so much into what he was looking at. I think maybe at this point in my thread, I'm a little more confused than when I started it...
I doubt he will go to therapy but I'm trying my best to have open and honest communication. this is starting to stray from the subject of crossdressing into something much different, so I'm sorry for that. It's just a long road and it's only just getting started for me with getting to know the other side of him.

[Krististeph]

I really think CDs are a separate "sex" than gay or straight, male or female. My gut feeling is that I am so attracted to females that I want to be like one. It's not correct, but that is really the upshot.

I was never 'confused' about what I was attracted to.

Understand this though: there are many different types of men. There are many different types of women. This is where a lot of the confusion exists.

It is similar to a man thinking- "if a woman is heterosexual, she likes men, therefore she should like me". You may want to focus more on personality type. Now don't go thinking I am pushing personality matching/mating/contrasting- far from it. But as far as ultimate attraction goes, gender plays a big role, but so does the the kind of person that gender is.

24 is just when the mind is maturing, both sexes, in terms of the large-scale social issues. So he may not be able to express himself properly.

At that age, I did not have the support people had now- i knew was different, i did not hate myself because of it though- i really did hate the rest of the world. He probably has some aspect of this. And he is right. It is not fair. I feel this was (female) and it is natural to me- i think everyone should feel it. But i came out different- therefore nature is not fair. given that, the best way to deal with things is to talk and communicate.

you may hear things you do not like, that you judge to be bad. Suspend judgement for a bit though- it is more important to see all things and how they interact, than to judge individual aspects. You yourself are not perfect, but the best way to assess yourself is in the whole.

To understand the CD, this may take some time. I still wonder if i understand myself sometimes. And I've done serious and scholarly research on this.

Sexuality may also change as people mature or age- usually due to the way we perceive things.

So lots of your communication should focus on how both of you see things. And it it also very important to understand that when we talk about things that are hidden/stressful/unclear- the first description of what one feels is not necessarily correct. You both have to be able to allow yourselves to reflect and revise your opinions & views.

Consider what fantasies and likes the crossdressing centers around. Is this compatible? ideally, you might even get into it if you are sexually inventive and creative. But if you have issue with it, get them out early.

In other words- always apply good advice that you would use in 'regular' relationships as well.

Keep in touch- the best thing to do is lots of communication. One thing I envy about female relationships- that ability. I hear my wife talking to her friends on the phone- it's a cool thing. You should take time to appreciate it.

<Big hug> Keep trying. You do not have to be perfect. You do not even have to work consistently. Just never give up- never let misunderstanding win.

Kristi- married 26 years to Kat. (Told Kat about my crossdressing before we got engaged, but neither of us understood how deep it affected me.)

[Karren H]

At 7 I don't think I even knew what sexuality was. I just knew I had to wear feminine clothing. I'm still a straight male sexually.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Tammy,

I am sure this topic will make for a great discussion. Many will share their opinions and personal experiences, as I will. I agree with your comment about cross dressers not being gay... Curious even? Or at least have thought about being with the same sex.

When I was younger and first started cross dressing, I had help. My girlfriend. It started out as something fun to do, though I enjoyed dressing up for her and her friends quite often. My mom and her mom knew and we would discuss dressing at times, because they wanted to know how far or long I would take it. My girlfriend and her friends liked it I liked it and at the time that is all that mattered. One evening over several daiquiri they asked me if I had feelings about being with another guy, since I enjoyed dressing up so often. I told them I was a little curious but seriously doubt that I would "look for a male date" that I prefer women, and their company. After more daiquiri and everyone had changed into our slumber party clothes we started playing "Truth or Dare". Which was mostly daring if the bottle pointed at you. During one of the dares I had to walk to the corner store and pick up a pack of gum fully dressed. So after they dressed me up and put makeup on me we all snuck out and headed for the Time Saver. It was late and no one was out or about till we were in the store. One of my girlfriends friend's boyfriend arrived as we were walking through the parking lot. He didn't recognize me at all, and he offered to go get more daiquiri for us. So after getting back, I got very nervous because we never had a guy join us and I could be found out. So still under candle light he shows up and we continue to drink and play truth or dare. He did find out, we did kiss and touch each other, mostly what we were told to do. It was fun and exciting. The next day when it was just her friend and her boyfriend we sat down and spoke about what happened. We all agreed to the secret nor were we upset over it. They went to a different school, so I wasn't too scared of what happened getting out. We did end up together with her friends slumber party at other times. We never thought of ourselves as "gay" either because our our girlfriends or just because of our attitudes. We didn't mind those that were gay, but didn't hang around those that had an issue with that lifestyle either. The early 80s was a different time... Was I confused? Not really, I did think about it, but what I wore didn't effect the way I thought. I have always treated people by their actions not by what they wore.

Sorry so long.

@--}-----
Michelle

[Stephanie47]

Damn straight Tammy! Straight as I am not gay. And damn straight I was totally confused. My adventures started in the 1950's when I discovered my mother's nylon slips. She did the wash in the apartment and hung her slips to dry in the sole bathroom and in the long hallway to the bedrooms. I loved the feel of nylon. It was nothing like the fabric little boys wore. There was no sexual motivation involved. I would caress the fabric. I finally decided to put one on and enjoy the feel over my body. I was satisfied. I would also slip into some of her floor length nylon nightgowns.

The psychological troubles started when the usual male hormones started to rage. I had progressed to putting on my mother's bras and panties and stockings along with the slips, and, then the one dress I could squeeze into. Back in the 1960's there was no reading material readily available to read. The Kinsey Report was secure behind the librarians' desks. I really did not know if issues of men wearing women's clothing was in the Kinsey Report. I still don't know. There was no Internet. Play Boy was about as risque as it got in my local newspaper shop.

The widely disseminated belief was men who wore women's clothing were "faggots, queers, fruits" and other descriptive terms. That really set the mind spinning. Here was a teenager drooling over good looking girls, but, society said I was a homosexual. Where do you go for advice? Nowhere. Just suffer in silence and hide the cross dressing bit.

Of course, now the widely held belief is the vast majority of MtF cross dressers are heterosexual. I'm sure your boyfriend, age 24, cannot reconcile his feelings with societal expectations of a man. Even if there is no shame or guilt associated with cross dressing in his mind or my mind, there is still judgement in society. Anyone with half a brain and reads or listens to the news will see there is still a significant percentage of the populace who do not appreciate any sexuality that is not totally straight male and female, and, kink free. Of course, many of them have skeletons in their closets too.

[AllieBellema]

Honestly, sexuality never crosses my mind with whatever I do. I do it because I enjoy doing it and it makes me happy to see myself look like that in the mirror!

[Mayo]

Tammy, "straight" men do not watch at TS/CD porn.
That's why I added 'nominally' in parentheses before 'straight'. Masculinity being what it is, guys are raised to think the penis is one of the most important things in the world, but because they aren't allowed to look at other guys' equipment without being labelled unmasculine, we have the surreptitious comparisons, anxiety about size, well-endowed porn actors, POV porn, etc. TS porn exists to package penises in a form that's (just barely) acceptable for men to look at and even want. Perhaps it's actually appealing to closet bi guys who can't admit it to themselves, but my point is that plenty of guys who will swear up and down that they're straight (sometimes even to the point of being outright homophobic) will express an interest in it. Some small percentage will even search out trans sex workers. Some men who call themselves straight even visit gay hookup spots to receive oral sex from other guys. The 'straight man who likes dick' is practically a joke on LGBT forums.

I'm not suggesting that a guy who claims to be straight but enjoys TS porn will necessarily cheat, visit sex workers (TS or otherwise), or seek out casual gay sex - at least, no more than the rest of the 'mega-straight' guys (Katey888 addressed a facet of this in her post). In other words, even claiming to be straight (and perhaps even believing it) is no guarantee that things won't happen, but I don't think the fellow in this case is necessarily at any greater risk than any other guy. And maybe it's just a fantasy he enjoys - plenty of people have fantasies that they never act upon.

I'm honestly not sure how Tammy can get the sort of reassurance she's seeking save on the basis of his actions over time. Obviously there are some trust issues to be worked through, but if he's affectionate, respectful, considerate, caring, supportive, and obviously enjoys sex with her, he sounds like he's probably worth keeping.

[Tammy494]

Re-reading many replies on here provoked me to revisit the links that I had found, because I still have a screen shot on my phone. Well, seems like the stream of lies is absolutely never ending. I'm shaking as I write this. When I had originally found the links, I looked through all of them. Well, upon revisiting them my eyes came across one single little comment with a picture that looked familiar. What do you know, it's my boyfriend. And so I go to the profile, and apparently he is a porn expert with over a thousand friends who get to view the plethora of pictures and videos of him practically naked in women's lingire and my underwear and leggings, shaking his butt and playing with it. What a fool I am!!! I'm furious but I would still never exploit him or reveal his secret. I'm just so sick of the lies, obviously he is not who he says he is and the profile definitely portrays him being bisexual for sure, at least in my eyes and based on the ridiculous amount of videos he's liked. Well! I tried... I tried really hard, to help and understand him and most importantly to forgive and trust him. But this is my breaking point. I'm a broken woman.
Does anybody think this liar is worth staying with? Because I definitely don't.

[lemon_meringue_tie]

I pretty much always recognized that I was sexually interested in males, just not in any situation where I perceived myself as being male also. However, I find both sexes attractive. Though to me, there is a difference between attractive, and being sexually interested in.

[Katey888]

Does anybody think this liar is worth staying with? Because I definitely don't.

No. :hugs:

I think by being prepared to come here and have the discussions you've had, you've demonstrated that you are deserving of someone with much more integrity and commitment towards you...

Head for the hills now - don't look back... :)

Katey x

[Mayo]

the profile definitely portrays him being bisexual for sure, at least in my eyes and based on the ridiculous amount of videos he's liked.
If you look at the thread titled How many photos and videos do you have of you dressed? (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?236601-How-many-photos-and-videos-do-you-have-of-you-dressed), you'll see that a number of us have NSFW photos, and some even post them online. If your boyfriend's dressing is primarily a sexual fetish then I can understand it. Alternatively, he's stumbled on that particular site (rather than, say, this one) as a community of people who also dress and for at least some of whom the expression takes a sexual form. You say he's 'practically naked' and 'shaking his butt and playing with it' - are more than just a few of his poses explicitly sexual? is he showing his genitals in an aroused state? If not, then it's probably not particularly sexual for him. Even if it does have a sexual component (as it does for many of us) it still doesn't mean he's bi or gay.

You also say his profile 'definitely portrays him as bisexual for sure', which sounds quite emphatic, but then you add 'at least in my eyes'. Now, if he has explicitly identified as bisexual on the site (some enable you to identify your orientation, or say things like 'interested in men and women'), you can take that to the bank. If a significant number (more than 5-10%, maybe?) of his video likes show men (as opposed to TS women) engaged in masturbation or sex acts, that's probably also an indication of bisexuality rather than just curiosity.

If he's not showing himself nude or in explicitly sexual poses, if he doesn't identify as bi, if he doesn't have a lot of gay video likes, then he may just be expressing his CDing on a site that has happens to have a lot of rather dubious content. I still don't consider TS porn to be a strong indicator of bisexuality (as opposed to bi-curious). Maybe he has a significantly exhibitionist bent (and I don't mean guy in a raincoat in the schoolyard). Even if he's a straight CDer, given the attitudes associated with it I can understand why he wouldn't want to tell you about this site.

I still can't tell you one way or the other if he's worth keeping. The CDing and how he expresses it are probably a deep source of shame to him and he doesn't even want to talk about it with you. It's possibly even difficult for him to deal with so he compartmentalizes it off in one corner of his mind (and the internet). You have to look at how he is expressing it - to the extent that he does - to get a hint of whether or not he might actually be TS, or bi, to what degree he might be interested in a TS sexual experience, or whatever.

I know this is difficult for you - I'm sure it is for him as well - and I wish you the best. Given that this discovery has set your mind a-whirl and instilled significant doubts in you, you might wish to break it off just for your own peace of mind (which is a valid reason as far as I'm concerned). I don't expect he'll be any more open with his next girlfriend. You might wish to consider couples counselling, and if he agrees to that it's probably a good sign. At this point, whether or not he's ultimately trustworthy and straight is no longer really the issue - it's the distress you feel about the situation and, ultimately, you need to look out for yourself.

[Tammy494]

Mayo,
I have not yet confronted him about this. Let me start by saying that I wrote my last post in a bad emotional state. Ill be more specific, his profile states he is a closet crossdresser and sissy. His profile name contains the word bottom in it. every video is sexual but it's hard to tell if he is aroused because he is facing with his back at the camera. I would say there's about 50% men and 50% TS/CD comments, and friends. The biggest red flag was his comments to other people. When a man who isn't TS or cd asked if he was on another site he said "no just on here daddy". There were a few other comments as well. Believe me I did consider this as an outlet or a place for expression. But I'm not comfortable with any of it and I'm not comfortable with the lying. Is it true that many of you post pictures or videos of yourself almost naked? I do believe this is just sexual for him at this time based on everything else I found but I have no idea how far it goes and I feel like I will never truly know... I have not talked to him yet and I don't even know what to say

- - - Updated - - -

Oh and for the record it isn't a strictly CD/TS site, it's an everything porn site... And yes most his photos or videos were almost naked and a couple were completely naked....

[Mayo]

Not many post explicit pics, but some do. Of all the things you've said so far, though, I think the part about being a sissy is the most telling, I don't know much about it but it can involve a desire to be in a submissive relationship with another man. Women too, sometimes, but if he's talking to men then that may indicate where his interests lie.

[Katey888]

Is it true that many of you post pictures or videos of yourself almost naked? .

Not on this site babe... :) And not on any other for me either!

I might have been a bit hasty last time but you've collected enough red flags here for an October day in Red Square - there are a lot of other sites that will feature these sort of amateur, self-posted vids and pics. I've come across the sites and while I don't feel threatened by them or judge the folk that post there, they are clearly related more to sexual gratification than any sort of CD expression. You need to thrash this out with him to really understand what this means to you and your relationship and if he needs to continue this and whether you're prepared to accept it.

So I'd do that and then probably head for the hills...

I'm sorry - I just don't see this with a happy ending for you unless he's prepared to sit down, be serious and commit to you by committing to stop the other shenanigans... :confused:

Katey x

[Tammy494]

Wow... I didn't actually realize that's what sissy meant. Kinda fits in with everything else on the profile and the kinds of videos he likes too... I'm a complete wreck right now, I tried so hard to be supportive and understanding but I can't get past this... Thank you for everybody's help and advice the past few months... I appreciate it a lot.

- - - Updated - - -

It's okay katey, I never took it as you being nasty! Don't worry.. I'm bad at wording things sometimes and you all help me to think about what I'm saying or confused about more.... Thank you for your input and advice. I appreciate it so much

[Ashley Nicole]

Issues of gender vs. sexuality have taken me a long time to understand and be truly honest about.

Growing up, I acted, dressed, and WAS male. The thought being a masculine or feminine male wasn't ever really there. When I started exploring my sexuality, I was primarily attracted to females, but I was always curious on males (although looking back, the particular male archetype I was curious about was predominantly feminine). I identified as straight, but now that I am more comfortable about my sexuality I identify as bisexual. I have never had a gay experience as I am married now, but I identify that way.

I didn't start truly questioning the idea of gender until after I got married. No, there wasn't a particular event that led me to question it, nor was my wife the one that triggered it. It was something I just come into on my own.

To answer your question "When I first began dressing, was I also confused about my sexuality?": No, I was not confused. My sexuality was always there whether or not I was being honest with myself. When I began to question gender roles (especially my own), that was when I began crossdressing. As I started becoming more comfortable with where I fell in my gender, I started regressing and doing the same with my sexuality.

For me, it was not confusion, it was clarification.


After reading some of your other replies within the thread, it sounds like there are some more underlying issues in your scenario. This goes a bit beyond sexuality and gender roles, more into relationship issues. Fortunately, I haven't had too many issues in any of my relationships. As such, I don't feel I'm the best person to give advice as to what you might do. My apologies.

[heatherdress]

Re-reading many replies on here provoked me to revisit the links that I had found, because I still have a screen shot on my phone. Well, seems like the stream of lies is absolutely never ending. I'm shaking as I write this. When I had originally found the links, I looked through all of them. Well, upon revisiting them my eyes came across one single little comment with a picture that looked familiar. What do you know, it's my boyfriend. And so I go to the profile, and apparently he is a porn expert with over a thousand friends who get to view the plethora of pictures and videos of him practically naked in women's lingire and my underwear and leggings, shaking his butt and playing with it. What a fool I am!!! I'm furious but I would still never exploit him or reveal his secret. I'm just so sick of the lies, obviously he is not who he says he is and the profile definitely portrays him being bisexual for sure, at least in my eyes and based on the ridiculous amount of videos he's liked. Well! I tried... I tried really hard, to help and understand him and most importantly to forgive and trust him. But this is my breaking point. I'm a broken woman.
Does anybody think this liar is worth staying with? Because I definitely don't.

Tammy - No! Get out of this relationship which seems to be very, very unhealthy. Do not worry about trying to understand him. Way too many red flags! Even if you can understand and accept what you have discovered he does, what more is there that is hidden? Do you want to live with his behavior and his lies? Honesty does not appear overnight. Take care of yourself. Move on and do not look back. Have confidence in your feelings and judgment. Do not be manipulated. Do not feel guilty. Get some help for yourself. You deserve much better and will be much happier in a healthy, loving relationship.

[dana digs sweaters]

No. Never confused about it. I liked girls in grade school and that never changed. We are wired to be what we are. No one chooses straight, gay, whatever. Funny story, I had been dabbling in cross dressing since I was 8. But, when i was about 13, I wore my first dress. Moments before I put not he dress I wondered if doing so would "make me" gay. Like that's a thing. I mean I'm standing in my sister's room in pantyhose, a stuffed bra and her heels and I am wondering if a dress will put me over the top! Kids.... So stupid.
Funny story Jennifer. Thanks for sharing.

[AmandaM]

Tammy, get out! He says he's a sissy and calls men "daddy"? This is a guy who wants men to treat him as a woman in bed. If he was just curious, or just a vanilla crossdresser, I'd say give him a chance. But this is NOT what you have described. It is WAY more than that.

[Tammy494]

I plAn on confronting him tonight when I'm off work to break things off. And now I feel like I have to go get tested because who knows what else he's hiding. I can't live my life like this, I'm such a nice understanding attractive woman and I loved him unconditionally and he obviously just has no regard for my feelings or our relationship.

[jacques]

hello,
I started to cross-dress when I was about 8 years old... how could I be confused about something I knew nothing about?
I did no know what sexuality was; I did not know what cross-dressing was; and "gay" meant happy back in those days.
luv J

[Mayo]

Here's a wiki article on the sissy phenomenon that seems to do a fairly decent and non-judgemental job of explaining the kink. Note that it is relatively independent of sexual orientation in and of itself, but his interest does seem to be leaning toward men based on what you've said so far.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sissy_(transgender)

[Jenniferathome]

Tammy, RUN!

Some people are liars and live from lie to lie. There is no coming "clean." Get out and put this behind you.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Back when I was in high school (early 90s), people were becoming more aware that hetero TVs in fact existed and dressing and orientation were not the same (thanks to some very courageous people putting themselves out there in the public spotlight.) So I knew my desire to dress did not make me gay.

On the other hand, I may be attracted to women, but that does not mean there are women attracted to me :( I am pretty much an orientation with an extremely small number of possible partners. Kind of defeats the whole purpose I suppose.

Tammy, you are answering your own questions. Clearly this relationship is not going to work, and you are best cutting your losses. You should certainly not pursue it further and mix finances, get married or have children with him.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Tammy:hugs:, At four years old I didn't even know what sexuality was. ~~...:daydreaming:...

[T. Fonda]

I knew I loved to dress when I was 4 years old. My mom actually let me dress as a girl around the house for a few months. Not sure what she was thinking because suddenly all of my clothes were gone. When I asked for more, she replied only girls dress like that. Early on, I didn't question my sexuality because dressing was just me being me. It wasn't until junior high that I started to get confused. I had a crush on a few girls and loved their clothes at the same time. I briefly wondered if I was gay. It was at that time that I saw an episode of "That's Incredible" that had a story of a heterosexual male who worked as a female impersonator. He said it matched up with his cross dressing and his love of women and women's clothes. He said he was secure in his manhood. He described me and it was then that I realized who I was. I'm now 47. Unfortunately I've spent my whole life hiding the real me from everyone. My wife knows. Our DADT relationship is sometimes brutal for me because I want to talk and she doesn't. Any advice I have to a SO of a crossdresser is to let them talk..... listen to them, then listen some more.

[heatherdress]

I plAn on confronting him tonight when I'm off work to break things off. And now I feel like I have to go get tested because who knows what else he's hiding. I can't live my life like this, I'm such a nice understanding attractive woman and I loved him unconditionally and he obviously just has no regard for my feelings or our relationship.

Good for you, Tammy. Don't look back. Move on. Good luck. You deserve happiness.

[joanne51]

I have never had doubts about my sexuality. When I first discovered that I liked to crossdress back in my teens it was all about the clothes and the sensation of wearing them.
In later life with more opportunity to go all the way, I realised that I wanted to experience looking as feminine as possible.
While still physically male, I cannot help feeling feminine (if that makes any sense).
My next step is to mix in public dressed as Joanne. When that will happen I'm not sure. Being still in the closet, I'm limited in what I can do.

[Ressie]

Interesting story Tammy. I guess you found that we are all individuals and most the answers here have nothing to do with your ex boyfriend. Apparently he had to lie because he knew you wouldn't be able to accept his sexual kinks. It's too bad everyone can't be honest about their sexual fantasies and proclivties from the start. I think he was hiding the truth because he didn't want to blow it with you. Take it as a compliment as you realize that he's not the one for you.


I loved him unconditionally

So much for unconditional love. You found several conditions that put a stop to that. It's OK you're only human.

[sometimes_miss]

Tammy, sounds like you've done all anyone could expect of you. Time to cut him loose. You can give him the 'we can still be friends' routine, but it looks like he loves himself way more than he loves you. Sorry you went through all this. I feel bad for him, too, but he clearly isn't willing to do what is necessary to keep you.

[Jenniferathome]

..... Take it as a compliment as you realize that he's not the one for you.



So much for unconditional love. You found several conditions that put a stop to that. It's OK you're only human.

I'm stunned by both these comments. First, how is lying a compliment? Lying, in the face of opportunity to come clean, shows nothing but contempt for someone. Second, Tammy showed unconditional love for the person she thought she knew. Your "clever" twist of her words are thoughtless.

[rachelatshop]

Hi Tammy,.
I first started CDing when I was in late 20 early 30s. It was to relieve frustration due to unrewarding relationships. It helped increase my self gratisfacation, and slowly it grew from single pieces of female clothing to full outfits. I stopped for 15 years after meeting and marrying my loving wife. I have recently started underdressing. I can not pass as I have a full beard, and a very hairy upper body that my loves. I would not in any way compromise my wife's image of me. I only CD for the rush it gives me, and the amazing feeling I get from dressing.
BEST OF LUCK
Rach

[heatherdress]

Interesting story Tammy. I guess you found that we are all individuals and most the answers here have nothing to do with your ex boyfriend. Apparently he had to lie because he knew you wouldn't be able to accept his sexual kinks. It's too bad everyone can't be honest about their sexual fantasies and proclivties from the start. I think he was hiding the truth because he didn't want to blow it with you. Take it as a compliment as you realize that he's not the one for you.

So much for unconditional love. You found several conditions that put a stop to that. It's OK you're only human.

Ressie - You are blaming her! How can you do that?

She loved him. Unfortunately she discovered that he had secret behaviors that most women do not want to be part of. Most women don't want to discover their partners crossdressing, but she discovered a lot more. And he lied when confronted. How can you accuse her as being the reason that he "had to lie"?

She came here for help and understanding. And you question her love and blame her, because she does not want to be part of an unhealthy relationship? And then you insult her. Your remarks seem to be judgmental and nasty.

[Ressie]

Not blaming Tammy. But looking back I can see that I was a bit harsh and I apolgize for that. The boyfriend was probably bi-curious years ago and… it certainly not an easy topic to bring up. Many men have been hiding CDing and/or bisexuality from their wives for years or even decades. It's probably a good thing that Tammy found out at this stage of the relationship, but I didn't see how long they've been together. At age 24 it could be since high school or it could be for less than a year.

[marilyn m]

hi tammy,
when i first began dressing i was very shy of women, and used crossdressing as sexual relief
seeing my reflection, but was totally hetrosexual, but as i have got older i have found cd/ts porn stimulating
i have had fantacies about going with a cd/ ts and dressed, but to actually physically do it i would probably freek out.

[lpjamey]

I have been confused for 45 years now and I cant see any help soon. I love being a man but women have tits, curves and a pussy come on now my dick is nothing. I started dressing because I wanted that feeling of sexual power. I love the weight of large breast forms on my chest, the tightness of strappy heals on my feet and the form fitting blouse holding me together

[Barbara147]

Having been raised by a hard shell Baptist mother, I was always guilty. As far as my sexuality, I am basically hetero with a bi-curious leaning. I think my need for dressing stems from my father rejecting me when I was very young while being very loving to my mother and sisters. I always imagine a man loving me when dressed.

[michellechong]

After almost 40 years, I am still confused with my sexuality. I guess I belong to somewhere in-between a crossdresser and transexual. When I put on my first pair of panties, I got so sexually aroused that I ejaculated almost immediately but this sort of excitement gradually faded away along with time. Though I lost my anal virginity to a guy in my neighbourhood when I was 17 and had sex with many men before, I am pretty sure that I am not a gay, cause all my past sexual encounters with men, I was in my female persona and have walk away in many occasions when I realised that I was with a wrong party i.e. a gay

[Tina_gm]

1st off, I am sorry Tammy for what you are going through. I would say pack and go even if the porn was only regular straight porn. That much involvement is never any good for a serious relationship.

What I will add won't be of much help to you Tammy at this point. But I was thinking about my reply so I will go ahead with it. I was not one of the really young ones when it came to my 1st CDing experiences. I never even had a desire to until high school. Middle school, or junior high I discovered girls. About the average time most guys do. While even before I had my 1st experience of even wanting to dress, I was a bit on the feminine side as a young boy, not that I really even knew it. Looking back now I can see that I was.

When I 1st began having the feelings of wanting to dress (my ist actual dressing took place several years later) I thought maybe I had the inclination to be gay??? One of the reasons I was so hesitant about dressing was that I was afraid I was going to wake up the gay gene. I knew I only liked females sexually, but hey back in the early 80's there wasn't a whole lot of info out there. Any portrayal of a CDer back then had them being highly oversexual and always gay. What few who were out at the time were almost always drag queens, who are typically gay.

My thoughts were in part, if I fight this off, I will not wake up the gay thing. I liked girls, was attracted to them, enjoyed being intimate with them and did not want that to change. Well today, a little over 30 years later, I am still only attracted to women.

[Rhian]

I started cross dressing before I ever realised there was an alternative to liking women so never had chance to question my sexuality. I've never been interested in sex with males. There was points where my dressing became more frequent and I feared becoming gay but I didn't think I actually was. The only area that ever made me question my sexuality was when I first started masturbating to ******* porn and I would always feel very low after I orgasmed. However I soon realised that I was projecting myself onto the trans woman who was having sex with a beautiful woman, rather than projecting myself onto someone projecting myself onto the person receiving a penis.I'm 24 and although it has been years since I have been interested in a woman I know I am not gay.

[Sharon B.]

I was never confuse about my sexuality, it just felt more comfortable and it seem right. Even now I am more comfortable wearing women's attire, just wish I lived in or closer to the city and at times wish I didn't have my animals and hobby farm. If I still lived in the subdivision I might be driving a small suv and would be more willing to go out more as a woman.

[Mayo]

Tammy ~ I hope you will let us know how things are going with you.

[Camisoul]

Of course I was confused growing up, and probably more so in my twenties! Now, I am pretty content being a bisexual, very kinky man. I think coming of age in the later Nineties certainly made attempting to understand and accept myself more "ok."

Something I was never ok or comfortable with was lying to/hiding from a vanilla partner. So I exclusively date kinksters, or veerrrrrry "openminded" types.

For me, no matter how attracted I may be to a person, I have to lay out exactly who I am, what I do, and who I do/done it with behind closed doors to them. Better sooner than later, as OP has unfortunately discovered.

[Milly1410]

Besides my attempt as a baby, i enjoyed CD being 19 yo. I was confused too, but learned i still love my gf anyway, so I think i'm still straight anyway. I learned there are two souls living inside of me, and I let them coexhist in this way.

[flatlander_48]

T4:

I finally began to admit to myself that I was not straight in the early 90's. As confirmation, I acted upon that well before the end of that decade and concluded that I identified as gay. Around 2000, I became romantically involved with a woman that I had originally met a number of years before. That reminded me that I was still quite attracted to women. With that, I figured out that I was really bisexual and nothing has happened subsequently to make me adjust that.

So, but the time I first dressed in October of 2003, I had already sorted out my spin on sexuality.

DeeAnn

[wanda66]

Have always wanted a woman for my partner ..as a young man i had an encounter with a man ...didnt enjoy it much. Panties and silky garments always have aroused me to the point of ejaculating, ..I have crossedressed for 65 years,that thrill has never gone away, Iam a man dressed in female silky atire and i love each and every minute, I think i could enjoy an encounter with a trangender if the situation presented it self .

[Claire Cook]

Hi Tammy,

I'm with some others here. When I started dressing -- by 4 or 5 -- I had no idea what sex was about, just knew that the clothes made me feel good. All of my romantic or sexual experiences have been with women.

[Crystal Beth]

The tw issues were and still are seperate to me. I first dressed at age 5 or 6 and I loved the way I looked and the feel of the clothes. As I grew older, dressing was only about looking as good as I could with no thoughts about my sexuality. During a "pause" in my dressing, I was curious about sex with another male and explored that side and loved it! It was not until 10 years after my first of many encounters with men that I decided to mesh both worlds together. I do not need to be dressed to have sex with a man nor do I always want sex with a man while dressed as those urges are independent of dressing

[Tammy494]

It's been hard for me to post back to everybody, as there has been so much going on in my head. I'm simply a mess of confusion right now. Thanks for all of your replies, i see how sexuality is separate from the dressing now. When I approached him about everything that I had found, for the first time ever he didn't deny any of it or try to make up excuses that don't make sense. He sat down with me and as uncomfortable as it was, he answered my questions. His claims are that he is just exploring all aspects of dressing, and that he thought sissy was just another term for a crossdresser... Don't really know how true that is. But he says he's just been experimenting with everything and that he's open to looking at anything online that has to do with CDing. He claims all of it is connected to the dressing. Again, don't really know how true this is. We talked for a few hours and he says he has no interest in being with a man and is completely interested in women, and does watch regular porn, but that regular porn is so easy to find and is everywhere. He says he doesn't take anything seriously on there, and that he doesn't talk to any of his online friends regularly. I'm probably forgetting some of the explanations. I don't really know what to think, I want to believe him but with the stream of lies that have come out in the past year, I don't know if I can believe anything. He claims there are no
More secrets, that he loves me more than anything and that he knows I don't deserve to be treated like this. Says he felt guilty for lying but that's very hard for me to believe when I begged for the truth about his dressing for so long, with open arms and acceptance. Frankly this has made me feel less good about myself in many aspects, I feel
Like he only cares about himself and his needs and his kinks and part of me feels like maybe he doesn't even think about me when we have sex. Who knows..

[flatlander_48]

Unfortunately, no one said this would be easy. You both are dealing with some VERY strong issues. Gender Identity, and everything swirling around it, ain't no joke.

A few things come to mind for me based on what you said. Once people get their toe in the water regarding dressing, there can be a great acceleration as it feels like (and it would be true) that there is a lot to learn and a lot to catch up on. Women have maybe close to 2 decades to sort out socialization, behaviors, presentation (dressing), etc. in order to function in society. Folks who dress are just trying to get to the point where they don't feel quite so obvious about what they are doing, if they eventually want to go out in public. Even if going out is not the immediate thought, there is still the idea of trying to get a grasp on things. Remember that this is counter to how the vast majority of men have been socialized.

Compared to what happens for girls, teenagers and into young adulthood, and how they gain knowledge, for Crossdressers it is like 0-60 in a heartbeat. And further, they usually don't have a mother, aunt or grandmother helping them along by coaching and setting an example. You're just sort of out there alone unless you make contact with community groups, support groups, etc. Also, when you are an adult, it is more difficult to accept and adapt to new information. There are often threads here about now that they have made this discovery about themselves, what now; what's next? Anyway, I would imagine that there is a lot of churning going on.

Basically there has been a lot of dust kicked up. Maybe it might be good to let it settle for a while to allow some time to think about it.

DeeAnn

[ReineD]

Hi again Tammy, so sorry I didn’t see this thread earlier. I’m a supportive SO like you and I responded in your other threads.

This is more sexual for your boyfriend than it first appeared, which is understandable given his age. The sexual/thrill/excitement aspect tends to decrease with age (although not for everyone) and it tends to morph into dressing for comfort or stress reduction. Many older CDers label their need to dress as partial Gender Dysphoria (having a partial feminine gender identity) because they no longer feel the sexual impulses to the same degree, but really what they feel is a natural extension of what was once a strong sexual preference as opposed to a TS who doesn’t want a male body or be known by others as a male because she is not male. But, I digress, I just want to give you a bit of an overview. Knowing all of this is not helping you now.

So your quandary is, what to do with a partner who sources his sexual excitement from something or somewhere that is not you and is outside of his relationship with you. It really doesn’t matter whether he is hetero, bisexual or gay, does it. You would also feel bad if you caught him on a porn site that was strictly hetero and if you found flirty comments to GGs … even though as GGs, we can better compete if their attraction is to other GGs. So I understand your discomfort with the possibility that your SO has attractions to males since as GGs, we can hardly compete with that, whether or not these males present as women.

But, there is another source of attraction that is neither to males nor females, and this is to objects or fantasy situations. Right? People have all types of attractions that they label as kinks or fetishes. And so a lot of CDers are sexually turned on by an ability to excite others as females. Your bf is not lying when he says he doesn’t want to be with other people. What sets him off is being wanted as a sexy woman. This is why he posted those pictures and videos. I know this is hard to understand, but when he’s in that zone he doesn’t need to be with others since the source of his excitement are his fantasies of being a desirable woman and this is enough for him. There might come a time when just posting these things won’t be enough, and he might seek validation by actually being with someone whom he feels sees him as a desirable female, but there is a chance he will discover this doesn’t work for him either. Sometimes, being two male-bodied individuals in bed is enough to burst the fantasy bubble. Or, if the fantasy is particularly strong, he might be able to sustain it even while in bed with another male, but he will not want to form relationships with other males. If this makes sense.

It’s difficult when partners have sexual preferences that don’t match. It understandably makes the GG who is into her SO feel as though she is dispensable (even if the SO has the ability to get off both with the GG and with the other fantasies), because the GG doesn’t have the certainty that she is the greatest source of his sexual arousal.

I don’t understand enough about these types of sexual preferences to know how easily they can morph, but one way to get around them is to see if your SO is willing to pretend to be a sexy female with you in bed, in other words, see if he can get off on having sex as a lesbian with you (even though he doesn’t have a vagina), although I don’t know if this would be a turnoff for you or not. But I do suspect that his sexual preference for playing the part of the woman in bed is something that is strongly wired (as are all sexual preferences), and so if you need him to stop having those fantasies (if you want him to only want you like non-CDing men only want women) I don’t know if he will be able to, at least until he ages and his libido naturally decreases. You’ll need to talk to him about the true source of his sexual fantasies (if he can be honest) and see if the two of you can get on the same page.

Please keep in mind this is my best quess based on having read everything I’ve read here over the years and it certainly is not a pronouncement of your bf’s mindset. Good luck! :hugs:

[MissVirginia-Mae]

I was never confused....I knew I always wanted to be a woman and im hopeful in a few years to become one 24/7

[PattyT]

I learned there are two souls living inside of me, and I let them coexhist in this way.[/QUOTE]

This pretty well sums up how I feel. One side of me is very masculine and have always be staight, with no homesexual inclination or desire to become a female. My romatnic relationships have always been with females. Yet ever since I can remember there has been this feminine side of me, and the dessire to express it by wearing female clothing. I guess you could say there are 2 souls living within me and now they finally coexist.

It seems that this is one CD category. Those who wish to become females perhaps fall into another CD category or even the transexual category. Perhaps there is a broad range of CD types. This is an interesting but tricky topic, however, and beyond my experience however, so I'll leave it at that.

[AmandaM]

There's a difference between exploring your sexuality and what CDing has to do with it, and having an online profile shaking your things for other's viewing pleasure. You need to know how deep this goes. Only then can you decide if you are comfortable with it.

[Half-CD]

My dressing habits have never confused me sexually. What I wear has nothing to do with who I find attractive.

What does confuse me (or at least used to) is that I find convincing transgenders and crossdressers attractive. But I guess that's because they look feminine, and a feminine figure is what is attractive to me. I'm not so fussy to what is 'down there', although my preference does lie with female parts.

[laura.lapinski]

I would say I asked myself the questions: "am I gay?", and "why do I do this?", and "what does this mean?". There was nobody to ask. No internet. I will say, there was no confusion about which gender I was attracted to. I loved how pretty girls were in grade school. I had a girlfriend at age 9 who I was with for 4 years and I just loved, loved, loved her. I have never been attracted to men. There are a lot of reasons for cross-dressing, and your BF needs to figure out what they are for him. It could be that we admire women so much, we want to imitate them. In short, the reasons are: admiration of women, wanting the alluring power of a women for oneself, the high we get from fantasizing and imagining the taboo of it all, repressed childhood trauma (molestation, ridicule, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, early association of sexual pleasure to female attire), being gay, but afraid to express it (probably not a big reason for most CD). I'm sure I'm foregetting some of the reasons, but you hopefully get the picture.

[Tammy494]

Reine, I'm so glad you came into this thread, you always give a different point of view, and offer great advice. I'm thankful for everybody here, and especially you.
You hit the nail on the head with why it makes me uncomfortable with the possibility that he's interested in men. I didn't even realize it until you said it.

And yes you are correct, he seems to be into bdsm from what I can tell. And not for nothing, I am too. I actually had a long talk with him even before your post in this thread. I admitted to him that I have a fantasy of being dominated by a specifically older strong man. But then I explained that although it turns me on, I couldn't actually see myself being in that situation. When I think about it in an unaroused state, it weirds me out being with somebody much older. And then I asked if he could see himself in the situations that are depicted in the porn he watches and he said no he couldn't. But at this point, it's hard for me to trust anything he says. He claims that he always did like being a dominant with me, and that he was just experimenting with new things.
I hope you're right that he doesn't want to be with another person, but I feel like there's no way for me to truly know if he wants to or not. He tries to have sex with me all the time, and he's always touching me anyway. And he refers to himself as daddy to me all the time literally since we got together over four years ago... So it's really confusing to me that he seems to play the opposite role online. but how do I even know if he's thinking about me when we do have sex? It's a lot weighing on me right now...
As for your idea about letting him be a sexy woman in bed, I honestly don't know if either of us would be comfortable with it. I would probably be more open to that than he would. I'm not sure how I would bring it up either. Bringing up anything related to his secret life is like walking on egg shells.
Is it common for many CDs/TSs to have the sexual preference of wanting to be treated like a woman in bed?
I don't know, my mind goes over a million possibilities every day and not only is it tearing me apart inside, but I'm starting to resent him. I never had an issue with the dressing, and I never wanted him to stop doing it, I was so happy with he admitted it. But I knew in my heart that there were more secrets that were still hidden and sure enough they came out. Sometimes I wonder if he truly loves me, or if I'm just somebody there to occupy him and fill his needs.

- - - Updated - - -

Also, I've read the thread "have you been with a guy" and i see a lot of people saying they pondered the thought for a long time and finally did it, some behind their SO's back and this really worries me because I feel like there's a possibility that he's going through the same confusion as the people in that thread went through, and who knows if one day he'll act on it.

[Georgette_USA]

Don't know how common any of this is, in fact most all of this is very uncommon.

There are many types of CDs and their preferences. Some are fully str8 and only want a woman, some are Gay and only want men, some also like men that dress and can have mutual play.

As for the TSs, since I am one. As for the TSs, they also vary but generally always are a woman, be it with males or females. Have one friend her BF is a Trans*Male. I have had some CDs say they want to be the girl sometimes. I may not be typical, but I didn't use what I had before, so it is weird for me.

[AmandaM]

Maybe he needs to take a break from his online life while you two work on this.

[Jane G]

Crums that's a while back. When I was 24 I was away at sea with the RN. I had my cd clothes hidden on board. I loved my wife passionately. I'm now in my mid 50's Long since left the RN and still love my wife passionately.

[Ressie]

Is it common for many CDs/TSs to have the sexual preference of wanting to be treated like a woman in bed?


It may seem common when visiting websites with the word 'sissy'. I've been to websites that make it sound like all CDs want sex with men. Other sources say that most CDs are heterosexual. We's all different with different reasons to dress and it's all in the mind IMHO.

Oh yes, ReineD usually has the best advice!

[gina shiney]

Gday Tammy
My answer to the first part of your question would have to YES. Short explanation groomed @ 7 & used till 15.
Second part @ age 24. Denial Shame guilt & revoltion. Trying to conform. Hope this helps.

[ReineD]

Is it common for many CDs/TSs to have the sexual preference of wanting to be treated like a woman in bed?

Yes, big time. You would see this if you read past threads dealing with this topic. Or if they don't say specifically they want to be treated like women, many do say they want to be submissive. Or, they'll say they're dominant in guy mode but submissive in girl mode.



But at this point, it's hard for me to trust anything he says. He claims that he always did like being a dominant with me, and that he was just experimenting with new things. ... So it's really confusing to me that he seems to play the opposite role online.

I don't think he is purposely lying to you. I do think he is compartmentalizing (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compartmentalization_(psychology)), which makes sense if he has sexual preferences that conflict with the way he was socialized as a male. Note the link goes to Wiki which is not a thorough definition, but it will give you the terms to google or look up in libraries if you want to learn more.



As for your idea about letting him be a sexy woman in bed, I honestly don't know if either of us would be comfortable with it. I would probably be more open to that than he would. I'm not sure how I would bring it up either. Bringing up anything related to his secret life is like walking on egg shells.

Egg shells. Sounds like he really wants to keep this other part of himself from you (and a part of himself), but this is not healthy for a long term relationship.

So your bf has adopted a comfortable role with you and at the same time he is driven to express this other sexual preference without you, which may or may not grow to want to experiment with real people down the line. And it doesn't have to be just with other men either. We've had GGs whose husbands had affairs with women who totally embraced dressing-up in the bedroom. It's possible to compartmentalize even with two different GGs, one with whom there is emotional intimacy and love (you), and another just for sex. If the two of you cannot get him to integrate himself, you may wish to see a good sex therapist. I don't think you want to continue being in a relationship where he either keeps a part of his sexuality from you, or he tries to stifle it (which is seldom successful) in the hopes of getting you to stick around? But as mentioned earlier, if you should decide to turn a blind eye to this (taking a chance that it won't get to the point where he wants RL experimentation with others), it is likely that eventually the sexual expression of the CDing will diminish anyway. When this might happen is anyone's best guess, maybe not until middle age.



Also, I've read the thread "have you been with a guy" and i see a lot of people saying they pondered the thought for a long time and finally did it, some behind their SO's back and this really worries me because I feel like there's a possibility that he's going through the same confusion as the people in that thread went through, and who knows if one day he'll act on it.

Exactly.

<edit> There is also the possibility that over time, if he does not integrate, (as you both move into the next, more comfortable and less sexually intense phases of your relationship), his sexuality which now seems to be equally split between you and his other fantasies, will move more away from you to being increasingly autosexual. This could happen if he cannot see himself experimenting with other men and he would not give himself permission to cheat with another GG.

[Georgina]

No. I started dressing when I was 6 or 7 and I knew I was a boy and that was it.

[LilSissyStevie]

My first experiences with crossdressing were not overtly sexual. They were more to do with gender identity. Not that I thought I was a girl, I just thought I'd rather be one and that I would make a better girl than I was a boy. As a boy I was very shy and timid, weak, super sensitive and a real crybaby. These were not great qualities for a girl but they were the worst possible for a boy. So I would spend a lot of time fantasizing about what it would be like to be a girl. Sometimes I would dress up in my sister's clothes and play out my fantasies. I admit that it would give me a tingle inside that in retrospect would have to be described as erotic. My overt childhood sexual fantasies were more the female domination variety. Some older members here may remember a 50's US TV show called Sheena: Queen of the Jungle. She was a sort of a blond bombshell version of Tarzan. I used to fantasize about being kidnapped and molested by Sheena or a tribe of Amazons. Otherwise I would fantasize about female authority figures: teachers, nurses, babysitters, etc. But these fantasies were not really mixed up with my feminization fantasies.

About the time I reached puberty I came across a little pornographic novel that featured effeminate boys who would dress up like girls and sexually service the more masculine boys in every way imaginable. Stuff I never even dreamed of. But for whatever reason it was the most incredible turn on for me to imagine myself in the role of one of those girly-boys that I had my first ever orgasm fantasizing about it. A minute later I was suicidal. On top of all my other problems, I was now a queer. This was back in the '60's when homosexuality was thought a mental illness at best or a mortal sin deserving death at worst. There wasn't much worse than being gay. The problem was that in "real life" I never had crushes on dudes like I did with girls. I never once looked at a guy and thought he was attractive. I couldn't even imagine what a good looking guy looked like. They all look the same to me. I've never experienced any of my "gay" fantasies and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to. I have experienced every fantasy that is humanly possible with a woman. But as often as not my "straight" sex looks a lot like gay sex. Confusing? Yes, very. I could never figure out what was wrong with me. Am I trans? Am I gay? Am I autogynephillic?

I often wish I could have been a regular straight person or even a regular gay person if only so I wouldn't have wasted so much time and effort trying to figure it all out. The common thread that runs through my sexuality is an emasculation fetish. I have mentally replaced the anxiety about my masculinity (or perceived lack of it) with sexual arousal. This is actually a pretty common way of dealing with trauma/anxiety. Many women, for instance, deal with rape trauma/anxiety by fantasizing about being dominated by men on their own terms. This, IMO, is at least one reason why 50 shades and bodice ripper type romance novels are so popular among women. In my feminization/emasculation fantasies everything happens according to my rules. It's not really about "being a woman" for me. That's just a sub niche of a broader fetish. It's about getting as far away from masculinity as possible. Things that qualify in that regard are ultra feminine submissive female, bimbo, gay flamer, sissy, male submissive, etc. The truth of it is that no one who knows me would think of me as feminine or a sissy. I think the only reason my wife tolerates and even seems to enjoy my fetish (she's a bit weird sexually, too) is that she sees me as the polar opposite.

The question I have is how did I get like this. I seriously doubt I was born this way. It probably has something to do with the fact that I was emotionally and physically abused by those who were supposed to nurture me especially my alcoholic grandmother, my mildly autistic mother and my alcoholic/schizophrenic/bipolar father. It could also have something to do with being molested by older girls on several occasions who in turn were being molested by adults including, it turns out, my father. What was most traumatic about that was I enjoyed it when I feel I shouldn't have. Whatever the reason, somewhere along the way in my sexual development wires got crossed, curcuits blown out and subroutines corrupted. The imprinted result is apparently permanent even though I've long dealt with the emotional damage. Believe me, no one would ask for this bizarre, broken sexuality. But, I seem to be stuck with it and have a love/hate relationship with it. I'm sure that's more than you ever wanted to know about my sissy fetish.

There are a couple of notions that came up in this thread that I'd like to add my 2 cents to. The first is the notion that because your boyfriend may be imagining himself as a woman sexually that somehow he can't be "into" you at the same time. This is a double standard that is applied to transfolk, dysphoric or otherwise, and people with unusual fetishes. The fact is that everyone is attracted sexually to someone AS someone. So a heteronormative man just thinks he is attracted to a woman and gives no regard to the fact that he is attracted to her AS a man. But, his being a man is just as important to the attraction as is the other being a woman. The problem comes when there is a disconnect between ones mental self-image and their physical reality. But it has nothing to do with how "into" their partner they are. I'll get kicked out the Man Club for good (not that I care) for revealing this but you have no way of knowing what your boyfriend is thinking during sex unless he tells you. You may think he's totally into you because the sex is great but in reality the sex may be great because he's fantasizing about your sister or being Bubba's prison girlfriend. You just don't know. You'll drive yourself crazy worrying about what your partner is thinking all the time. That can go both ways, BTW. It still has nothing to do with how he feels about you romantically. However, in this case, ignorance is bliss.

The other silly notion is that if you participate in your partner's weird sexual proclivities, you are now somehow reduced to being an accessory or prop. That could be true if your partner is selfish but it could also be true in any sexual relationship. There is no guarantee, just because you have "normal" sex with a "normal" guy, that you aren't being used as an accessory. In fact, one of the main issues of the feminist revival of the '60s was that women felt they were being used as sex objects. This is an extremely common problem in relationships and I know of no evidence that it is any worse among transfolk or people with unusual fetishes. There is always some give and take in sex and even more is needed if the sex is of an unusual kind.

Nothing I've written is meant to convince you to stay with your boyfriend or to even to understand him. You have some trust issues. You are young, unmarried, no kids, I presume little or no common property. You don't have a huge amount of time invested in the relationship. What could be simpler than to walk away and try your luck with someone else. Whatever you do, I wish you the best.

[MarciManseau]

Stevie, I hope you're going to see a very good counselor. Your issues are very complicated, and far to much for any of us here. I'm afraid any advice I could offer you would be more harmful than helpful. Please find a very good person to talk to, one familiar with trans issues. Best of luck, sweetie.