Confused to the point of depression

[Sweet Jonie]

First post and let me tell you I am so messed up right now. I have always been attracted to women's clothes. I used to sneak panties from friends or family's homes. As a kid I would wear them when no one was around.

I am 60yo now and have the most incredible crave to wear women's clothes. I have at least 100 pair of panties. I sleep in night gowns and I wear leggins whenever possible. I want so much to wear nothing but women's clothes. Women have so many beautiful dresses and things I want to wear.

I have always been with women but have on occasion been with men. I don't want to give up women but crave sex with men too. Halloween is great cause I get to dress up in women's clothes for a night and go out. When people ask me who I am I tell them I am the bearded lady. I have a big bushy beard. Most people think my "costume" is great.

I have always been a manly man playing football, hunting, fishing and spent several years in the Marines. All the time wanting to be a woman.

Depression has taken a toll on my life in the last 5 years. I lost my job, my wife, most of my friends but most of all my health.

TBH I sometimes wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. if the choice had been mine I would have been born female.

Simply do not know what to do. I can't keep on going like this.

[Pat]

Welcome. You've come to the right place.

Take some time and read the threads here. I think you'll find kindred spirits. Don't take that Long Nap yet. ;)

[Ressie]

I take it that friends in family that know you as a manly man are holding you back. Holding you back from shaving your beard? Holding you back from the freedom of dressing more often? If you have clinical depression you should probably seek therapy. Self help books can help mild depression, but it sounds like you need professional help. And maybe take a weekend trip somewhere with the plan to dress up nice?

[Katey888]

First of all - Welcome Jonie! :hugs:

You've found a place here with many kindred spirits and mature ladies... so take your time, get settled in - and most of all...

DON'T PANIC!

What you feel is not unique - it's a little special - but it's not really wrong... It feels wrong because of decades of societal conditioning telling you this is wrong - but it ain't! :)

Spend some time looking around here - you'll see there are plenty folk around here who get by with a little dressing, a little understanding, and some well-developed self-acceptance - be happy about yourself - this isn't a bad thing! It just needs the right approach and you can be happy with it... really! :D

Have you spoken to any professional counsellors about this? Might be worth a shot - there are plenty of helpful amateurs here, but your best bet is seeing someone directly and talking... Don't be shy about talking... it can help a lot!

Take your time - look around here - Keep Calm & Carry On! :hugs:

Katey x

[docrobbysherry]

I think u need to give Jonie a break! Do some of things u mentioned u'd like to do. Like dressing in private more often. In the kinds of things u dream about.

Fantasies of being the woman having sex with men is quite common among dressers. I had them for years and assumed I'd become gay or bi. But, they vanished. And, actually trying that is a whole other story!:eek:

Be very careful about men u don't know if wish to try out sex with them!:straightface:

[heatherdress]

Jonie - I am sorry about your tough experiences. It is very understandable that you fight depression. I hope that you are getting professional help, especially if you have thoughts of taking your own life. And I hope you are getting help with your health issues. I really feel for you and hope that things will get better - step by step - but better. You certainly can experience crossdressing to a much great degree than panties. It is easy and maybe you will like how feminine you can look. Maybe shave the beard and enjoy looking and feeling more like a woman. You have served your country as a Marine, hunted, fished and played football. You have nothing else to prove as a guy. Have some fun and explore the hidden beauty and joy inside of you.

[TaraGrace]

hiya Jonie,

welcome and thanks for sharing!

I too would say are you talking with someone yet?

Not so much on your desires to dress though, but depressions can be very difficult thing to deal in general, let alone if you have to do it by yourself.

Having said that, on positive note : dressing is where you have just found the holy grail.. this little place on the web is perfect to read, chat and talk with like minded souls here.. it might even be a nice discovery to find that this little niche on the web is filled with probably more variations of people, flavours and opinions.. some very similar to you, some totally different, but all related around the same topic.. to me it has been very usefull to understand myself even if it meant reading 10-20 posts thinking "hmm, that's not like me at all" and then suddenly to go eyes wide open and think "wow.. someone else feels EXACTLY the same way".

x Tara

[Alice Torn]

Jonie, I can relate to suffering lifetime depression, and the conflict of being a country boy, helping farmers, doing hard blue collar guy work, but having the deep desire to wear womens clothes. I'm a vet, and have gone to the VA for help. I never got to marry, but if my family of origin found out, I would be severely embarrassed. I would like to go out with a man , too, Model dresses. and have met three men over the years. I set boundries, though, of no penetration sex, so most reject that. I go out in public about five times a year or so, alone. Fishing is a good thing to do. The VA has therapists that work with more guys like us, than i thought! Maybe try the VA, as it is free for us.

[Teresa]

Jonie,
I hope you don't mind me asking but did your losses result from depression or was it the other way round ?
I know it's a bad hole to be in and takes some climbing out, if you get so much from your dressing and it gives the need to carry on don't worry what others think just go with and enjoy it, you must think of yourself first at the present time.

Personally I can't relate to CDers with beards, it feels like a contradiction to me, if I'm dressed and fully made up looking in the mirror and seeing a beard would kill it for me. I don't know if you've thought about that but perhaps it might help with pulling your need to dress full time together better, feeling good and seeing yourself as looking good may help you .

[Marcelle]

Hi Jonie and welcome. I am sorry to read about your angst and depression. Firstly you must remember, wanting to dress like a woman is not wrong, perverted, bad or any other pejorative statement one can think of. For some it is normal and if it makes you feel good . . . then do so. Lots of folks here are "manly men" and still enjoy getting dressed either partially or fully and the beard . . . if you are fine with that . . . that is all that counts. Remember, you have to be happy. I can't say with any certainty that the desire to dress like a woman is what is causing your angst or depression as you may have other things going on in your life. This is a great and supportive site with lots of great folks but none of this can replace the help of a professional therapist who might be able to help you through the depression (irrespective of the cause). My advice is to get yourself in a good place and once there, then work on the dressing aspect of your persona.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi and welcome Jonie, thanks for writing and sharing your feelings.

Plenty here have ultra-masculine backgrounds, including a few football players and plenty of military, active or retired; a few even have beards. Many - so many - have experienced depression, and the vast majority know exactly what it's like to have to hide this side of ourselves. Plenty have felt shame.

But what unites us you have expressed perfectly: "Women have so many beautiful dresses and things I want to wear."

Not fair, is it!

How come society expects me to wear jeans and a tee shirt, or a business suit, when I feel this way inside?

What is wrong with me? Why am I different? Why do I want to wear a dress and look pretty?

You can read this forum till you fall asleep and you won't find answers to those questions, beyond "Because I just do."

Self acceptance is everything. It's the key. It isn't illegal to crossdress, or to have sex with other men - many places you can now marry a man if you desire - yet still, a large part of society frowns upon those things, and we so easily allow their selfish judgements to influence us.

There are thousands of members on this forum, and it's my belief that a far higher proportion of men all over the world secretly crossdress or fantasise about it than the statistics show, simply because they say nothing. If you work in an office with 10 men, I'd be very surprised if you're the only one who has worn or who is wearing female panties, and as Monty Python helpfully pointed out, the same holds true for lumberjacks and judges.

Be of good cheer - you are not alone. Now for goodness's sake lighten up on yourself before you blow a gasket.

Keep in touch,

Hugs, Nikki

[Sweet Jonie]

Thanks all for the kind words.

[Krisi]

If you seriously meant the last three lines in your post, I suggest forgetting Internet forums and getting real, in-person professional help. Most folks here mean well but they are not professionals.

[Amanda M]

Frankly, you need two things. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy from a well trained therapist. to help your cognitive adjustment to your situation and also, a course of anti-depressant medication. I know. It is my job. Do NOT hesitate, see your Doc and find a therapist that you can work with. Wishing you the best,
Amanda. ADHP(NC), DEH(NC), ECP, UKCP Reg.

[Sin]

Hi.
I was once in a such a dark place that it is far away from anything I could expect before I experienced that.
I felt like there was no way for me to fix what was wrong and I decided to take my own life.
I made the biggest sin of all and hung myself from a tree.
As you notice I failed even thou I actually committed it.
Something kept me from dying. Or the way I "remember" it, I came back to my body.
I was so disappointed for failing and I came to a place where I felt I was just not allowed to die.
That pain is gone now, and I am not disappointed for living anymore.
Enjoy you'r life, and if you want to talk to me about anything you are welcome to send me a message.

[sometimes_miss]

Simply do not know what to do. I can't keep on going like this.
Actually, you can. You just have to learn to focus on the good things in life, instead of the bad ones. We are often brought up to believe that we can be anything we want, that anything is possible. Then as we get older, and we realize the limitations in life, we become disappointed. I don't have much in my life, either, but have learned to enjoy what I do have. I marvel at all the wondrous things there are in this world. Youtube alone has millions of interesting videos to watch, so many that we'll never run out. type in any subject and get a hundred hits. Music? Every song you've ever heard, at your fingertips. Movies too, thousands of them. Foreign films with subtitles. Like visual art? Go outside and look around at the world, all the colors, how the sun or moon makes things look different as the intensity of the light changes. Walk down the block and look at the architecture. Look at the animals, feed the squirrels/birds. Make friends with them. I have a few seagulls that routinely show up outside the house every morning for some leftover scraps. One prefers italian food, he's got a odd bump on his head. I call him lumpy. I'm not sure if he gets it yet. I know everyone in my neighborhood since I stopped working so much. The man at the bar at the end of the block knows what I want to drink, and always has a smile to greet me when I walk in, and I return the same.

Life is a lot of what you make it. You can't expect all the wonders to jump into your lap. You have to go find them. And learn to enjoy what you have, and not sob over what you don't. Nobody has everything they want. Nobody. Only you choose whether you want to feel miserable or happy.

I choose to be happy. doesn't always work, but it does most of the time.