Relearning to operate my brain

[Zooey]

Posting this to get some stuff out of my head, and also in case it helps anybody for any reason.

Last night, I had what I would describe as a minor meltdown.

This has been a really hectic month for me, and despite being reminded several times, I realized I had completely forgotten to sign up for a 5k race I was supposed to run this morning with my friends. So, I didn't run it. No big deal, right?

Wrong. Well, it wouldn't have been a big deal, y'know... Before. I would have felt bad about it, apologized, and that would have been it.

Now? I felt terrible about it, and I apologized. Then I started feeling bad about every other relatively insignificant thing I've screwed up in the past year. Then I started feeling bad about all the things I need to get done this weekend, and how I'm obviously too far behind and just failing. Then I started thinking about the terrible second date I had the night before, where it became crystal clear that the guy was just too much of an awkward programmer type to hold up his end of the conversation. I started wondering if maybe I just wasn't interesting enough to make him be interesting. Then I started feeling bad because I was at work a little late and my cat was probably hungry. Then I started feeling bad because my friends were being too nice about me screwing the race up. Then I started feeling guilty about the terrible date, because he clearly wanted more than that hug, and he's a REALLY nice guy - maybe I was just being too judgey. Then I started feeling bad because I wanted to get more done at work, but I either needed to leave or go hide in the bathroom and cry. Rinse and repeat.

Long story short, I spent the rest of the night crying, thinking, taking a nice long bath, and realizing that my old strategies for dealing with stress just don't work anymore. It used to be that I could do what felt like processing things, and then move on. Now when I do that, they're out of my conscious mind, but they're just waiting to pile up and pile on next time my brain decides to be sad. I need to take better care of myself, and I need to learn new ways to do that. I need to process things more completely now, because I can't let them accumulate like this.

I'm coming up on 11 months of HRT, and I've been full-time for 3 months now. This is not the first time I've had to reconcile a fundamental change in the way I operate, and I'm fairly certain that it won't be the last. I'm fine with all of that, and I have a great support system.

People who are just getting started on HRT or are considering starting should be aware though... I know what most people think about when considering HRT, but it's not all smooth skin and breast development. You are rewriting your body chemistry, and the brain is along for the ride. Deeper things will change, and you will need to be ready to adapt. They don't give you a new owner's manual when you get the prescription, so be prepared for a lot of introspection.

On the bright side, my skin looks amazing when I cry, because my cheeks get super rosy. So I got that going for me. Which is nice.

Edit: Just so everybody's clear - I'm okay, and I'm going to be fine. Life, on the whole, is actually really good. This is just one current example of something that I think more people who are considering transition should be aware of.

[MissDanielle]

Thanks for the heads up re HRT and I hope you feel better soon!

[Georgette_USA]

Zooey
It can be an intense and hectic few years. But it does get better. Nice now that people can document their lives. After 40 years, I have forgotten so much, good and bad. I try to support the ones going thru all this now locally.

What ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

[flatlander_48]

There is the theory of Fake It 'til You Make It...

What that means is to attempt to model the behavior that you feel you need to be doing, even though it feels unnatural or you just don't have enough confidence in it. Basically it is practicing the behavior you want until you can come to grips with it, understand it better and internalize it.

DeeAnn

[Zooey]

If anything, I think "fake it till you make it" is what I did wrong in this case. I've been operating consciously the way I wanted to be. I've been busy, I've been fun, I've been dating, I've been kicking butt at work, and I've been generally overcommiting and doing the social superwoman thing. What I'm describing is 100% internal and involuntary. It's about my brain responding radically different from how it used to when given the same inputs. It's possible that this only makes sense to people who've undergone a significant brain/body chemistry change. Certainly HRT is one form of that, but I could imagine that those on certain classes of medications used for other mental health conditions might have at least some idea of what I'm talking about here.

[Suzanne F]

Melissa
I think I understand what you mean. In my case my old just run through things doesn't work anymore. When I am crititcsed or faced with fear I used to be able to turn to anger. No longer, things hurt me now and I can't quite shake them as easily. I too have been trying to do more and more. I am working, training for a marathon and trying to be super parent for my high achieving son. I have been on HRT since last April. Yes I am a differently wired woman now. I am not complaining but I do feel overwhelmed at times. I have been full time about the same amount of time. I too have a great support system and it will be ok. It's just that transitioning is what I was told, difficult.
Suzanne

[pamela7]

Zooey, may i ask if you did a lot of introspection before the transitioning journey? or if you did as part of deciding to transition?
I'm looking forward to hrt, and whatever it brings.

xxx

[becky77]

Hi Pamela

Wait till you have been on HRT for a year+ then re-evaluate that question.

It changes you in a way you can only understand if you have been on it.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Melissa;

Yep... I have my days as well. Overwhelmed at times. I can remember watching my mom reach a similar point and really couldn't understand what was up. It's clear now to me. Female wiring is very interesting.and I'd actually describe it as rewarding in a strange way. Overwhelming feelings actually help me put things into perspective, determine true value or not, synthize how I feel about things and situations. I'm a much more feeling person. I care a great deal about my friends, my family, and being a good person. Some of this probably comes from knowing the harshness of the past the suppression of most feelings and the wall that I'd constructed. No more wall no more suppression. Sure I can be a powerhouse and bang through situations but I know that at some point I will have a moment and potentially a bit of a crash... Not in a bad way, generally very cathartic. Last weekend was one of those days. No my normal whimper for a few minutes but a down and out cry for a several hours. Mide you at lot had transpired leading up to it so was really not a surprise.

You know these keep me grounded and appreciate all that is around, what I've achieved, and those close to me.

Being a woman to me... Very rewarding. HRT has profound effects so often overshadowed by the physical effects...that's window dressing girls. Nice window dressing mind you but window dressing in the end.

Cheers... Jennifer

[I Am Paula]

When you start to understand that your brain is changing (IMHO for the better), you start to understand the real magic of HRT. Not just the crying when you see a baby, or a puppy, but the deep down stuff that women have always just been able to run with, while men scratched their heads.
I saw a comedian, (woman) who explained it thus- In our minds there is a chest of drawers. Men open one drawer, examine it's contents, and figure out how to deal with it. For example, the drawer has contents that say, Get an oil change, and switch to winter tires. Men then decide who should perform said service, and go about it. When they get back home, they will open another drawer.

Women fling open all the drawers, organize their contents into a suitable work flow- Feed and dress children, dress, and prepare self, work, stop for groceries and dry cleaning, prepare dinner, do dishes relax, then go to bed.

Both these systems have served us well for all time. When HRT switches us from the 'single task' system, to the ability to think in an abstract, but logical manner, the remnants of our male brains says 'Wow, this is weird!' It takes a while to completely assimilate into the female system, it's confusing, but it's fun.

[Angela Campbell]

I don't really control my brain, it controls me.

[flatlander_48]

I've been generally overcommiting and doing the social superwoman thing.

That seems like inappropriate behavior or, at the very least, unsustainable behavior.

DeeAnn

[Contessa]

I knew it was happening, cause everything now has to involve my feelings. But since I am aware I can mostly keep it together. Since I now live alone in a new city/state the old life is nearly gone. This has happened after almost 2 years on HRT, plus the dosage is now doubled. Another thing is that I was on Spiro for 1 year before starting HRT and I think that was different from most. I doing fine though there is just so much more to being a woman without a vagina. The most hurting thing is finding a cis woman who can like me.

Contessa

[PretzelGirl]

As I go down through these posts, I am nodding my head with understanding at many points I read. This may be one of the elements that is largely common among us (nothing is 100% in my book). I do find one thing particularly interesting:


Women fling open all the drawers, organize their contents into a suitable work flow- Feed and dress children, dress, and prepare self, work, stop for groceries and dry cleaning, prepare dinner, do dishes relax, then go to bed.

I felt like this before at some level as I was never single task minded. This is a multi-tasking mindset and women/mothers appear to take advantage of it. When I walk across a room, I look for anything near me that belongs "over there". I save a trip. :-) Every action has a thought that I can do two or more things with that one action. I have always been that way. I feel this may be one of the many signs that our brains were wired that way somewhat before and the HRT gives it deeper roots. I don't think I could survive my current life's pace without this mindset.

Getting back to Zooey's OP, and relating to my thoughts above, I understand feeling terrible about missing something. This is yet another thing I always did, but has a greater foothold in my mind. It is an adjustment to balance life against our feelings and thoughts and because we are changing those feelings and thoughts, we need to self process now and then to make adjustments for our own peace of mind.

BTW, I thought I replied to this yesterday, but the dog wanted out, while my wife was yelling for toilet paper, the door bell rang, and I was on the phone with the cable company. I am sorry...

[MissDanielle]

I've historically been a multi-tasker myself.

[Zooey]

Zooey, may i ask if you did a lot of introspection before the transitioning journey? or if you did as part of deciding to transition?
I'm looking forward to hrt, and whatever it brings.

Lots. Lots, and lots, and lots, and lots more on top of that. Then, lots and lots and lots more thus far during transition. I was aware of what I was getting into, and I'm very certain of what I want. No matter how well prepared you are though, for most people, the way their brain fundamentally responds is a constant - it's the ground, it's always there. Periodically, HRT forces me to react to the ground suddenly disappearing, and reappearing with an entirely different terrain. Sometimes it's lower, and I fall for a bit, crashing hard before recovering. Sometimes it's higher, and I'm now stuck in dirt and have to dig my way out. As I said, this is not the first time I've had big switches get thrown under my foundation, and it won't be the last. Be prepared.


It changes you in a way you can only understand if you have been on it.


As I go down through these posts, I am nodding my head with understanding at many points I read. This may be one of the elements that is largely common among us (nothing is 100% in my book).

Becky and Sue - yes, I agree, and it's something we might not be talking about often enough. Certainly most people who are thinking about HRT and transition are not really focused on this stuff. When we say that HRT changes everything, we mean everything. When many of us say that our perspective is different, it's not always just about lived experiences.


That seems like inappropriate behavior or, at the very least, unsustainable behavior.

Uhh, yes sir, and thanks? I know it's not. The point is, it didn't used to be, or at least not in the same way. I could brute force my way through it at one point, for a while at least, and that doesn't work that way anymore.


I think I understand what you mean. In my case my old just run through things doesn't work anymore.

Exactly right.


BTW, I thought I replied to this yesterday, but the dog wanted out, while my wife was yelling for toilet paper, the door bell rang, and I was on the phone with the cable company. I am sorry...

Oh geez, nothing to be sorry about. :)

[Brooklyn]

Zooey, do you find that you sometimes over-generalize and personalize based on a single or a few incidents? Like, there is a lull in conversation with my date, so therefore I'm not interesting to him... I'm wasting his time... I'm not interesting to anyone... no-one should date me ever again... I'm not good enough... I'll be alone for the rest of my life... blah blah blah. I do this a LOT, and what starts out as a trickle of negative emotion cascades into a torrent. There I am a few hours later, like you, sitting in the tub with my makeup smeared, consoled only by the scent of my animal cracker body wash. But what triggered it all was something as small as a lull in conversation, or forgetting to tell someone happy birthday, or a sideways glance from a stranger. It's irrational, and I try to catch myself when I feel it coming on.

[Cindy J Angel]

Thanks Zooey and all the girls on this post. For I am headed down this road. It's to a Pont I just can not take the battlefield that is in my head any more. It's nice to here what others are going through. It let's us know we can get through this. Love cindy

[ErikaS]

Zooey
Its very good to hear these thoughts and comments, I have been on HRT sense Sept and working with the VA system and there "oh we have to start on low dose" but all is good because i know i am doing a good thing. My brain has been multi-tasking for along time but now its different I find myself thinking about stuff more and as i fling open the drawer its fun putting everything back inside. I hope to learn from all your thoughts and just keep moving forward.

[flatlander_48]

One point people:

Humans CANNOT multi-task. However, what they can do is move very quickly from one task to another. That only gives the appearance of multi-tasking. Scientific evidence supports this.

DeeAnn

[Zooey]

i guess my response is, "who cares"? We're talking about perceived change in brain behavior due to chemistry changes, and the feelings that come from adapting to the same stimuli now producing different results.

Beyond that, with respect to multi-tasking, we are not so different from modern computers. A single CPU core cannot actually think about more than one thing at a time, and even when you have more than one, they contest each other for access to other resources - memory, input, disk, etc. We've gotten rather good at identifying the points in one process where we're just waiting for an action to occur, and doing other work during that time. We call it a context switch, and it's (more or less) exactly what humans do, constantly.

They say any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. I say the same applies to multitasking. We are sufficiently good at it, at least when resources are not contested too heavily, that for all practical intents and purposes we are doing it.

With respect to my brain on HRT, ignoring the literal multitasking thing, I find that I am switching from a depth-first implementation to a breadth-first implementation for many things, and it's quite an adjustment.

Now that we've gotten all the pointless pedanticism out of the way, I'm enjoying hearing about other women on HRT's experiences with perceived changes to how their brain responds to things. Like I said, I think this is an aspect of the process that we don't talk about enough, and it can be unsettling when it springs on you.