Apologies

[Dinky39]

I'd like to apologise if I have hurt or offended anybody by any of my posts. I blow up beause I am frustrated. It occured to me this evening that this is exactly why my husband used to have a figary every few months. Like many people here I am struggling. Now,I am over the whole cding. What does annoy me is the fact my husband can apparently wear high heels whereas I cannot. ;) I'm looking forward to seeing that!
I walked my son home from school one day wearing just normal boots. Men and women wear them. No heel. And I still managed to fall flat on my face. I just fell over myself!! Grrr!!!
Obviously there has to be limitations which my husband is fine with. That's life. Obviously,every woman will be different re cding. I've accepted it. I'm fine with it. It's the lies that really bother me. Like if he has lied about x,y,z then what else has he lied about? It puts a doubt on every single thing over the last ten years. And that's the thing that kills me. Anyway. That's my story.

[Pat]

It occured to me this evening that this is exactly why my husband used to have a figary every few months.

I'm guessing a figary is something people don't want to have? :confused:

[Angie G]

Lies hurt and you having a beenfrustrated is undrestandable. I think you two need to talk things out. Let him know your fine with it so there is no need for lies.:hugs:
Angie

[Rachelakld]

Many of us think, we will be "fixed" once we get married (so we hide it / lie about it)
or we will get "better" for the family once children arrive (so we still hide it / lie about it)

IT DOESN'T

no matter how hard we wish it.

IT JUST GETS WORSE

Until we arrive at some unpredictable "happy" space (luckily I've not yet / never felt the need for physical change, happy just "pretending" to be female, once a week)

[Georgette_USA]

That is why I see so many TG/TS now in their 40s-60s. Tried millitary, tried wife, tried children. Just to prove they were men. It doesn't go away. Knew I wasn't a "Man", just didn't know what I was. After military read a lot, talked with others, and HAD to go ahead. I had tried to just be a CD, but that wasn't enough for me. Afraid if I didn't I would be in a closet not to get out. I have now been living as a women for 35-40 years. And can't be any happier with my decisions.

I think we all need to find what works for us. I have met many CDs with wives that know, and they are so much happier, with NO intentions of going any further.

[Teresa]

Dinky,
The lies issue is a tricky one, maybe call it holding back with facts, which is what many of us may have to do !
CDing won't go away, if it's a DADT situation how else can the marriage survive, I know that comment is going to upset some members but it's a fact in many cases. I've said before I would love to be totally honest with my wife in every aspect but it's not going to happen . Please be honest and say that you haven't withheld or lied to your husband , I know my wife hasn't been totally upfront with me but I don't like the tit for tat situation that can sometimes result from this.

Sorry I'm guilty of wearing heels and love it but my feet don't, my arthritis will give me some stick the following day but it won't stop me they just look so good, planning an outfit with heels is so enjoyable !

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Dinky, no apology necessary- we understand better than you give us credit for!

Nobody likes discovering they've been lied to, and anything around sexuality is doubly loaded.

Just because he's lied (I haven't read your other posts so I'm guessing) about CDing, perhaps by omission in early days, does not mean he's an habitual liar. CDing can be as frightening for the subject as for his SO. Many of us have tried to quit it, but it's not like trying to quit potato chips- it's linked to deeply submerged feelings over which we have little or no control.

Good luck and keep in touch, even if it's just to vent- this is a support group which is happy to cater to SOs just as much as CDers.

Hugs, Nikki

[Mollyanne]

Hi Dinky, I have been cd'in all my life(and that is a long time, lets say the better part of 50 yrs), I have "lied" to myself when I was in the military, I "lied" to myself when I became a cop, I "lied" to myself when I got married(divorced 8 years later) I didn't lie to my second wife but I never told her either. I tied going to therapists, I tried hypnosis, I tied almost everything. My cd'in came back stronger than ever and eventually I was outed. My wife didn't like me dressed or even partially dressed so I hid it, started lying about it and was outed more times then I can remember. Do I feel guilty about that fact(lying), you bet!!!!! But this is what some of us do not to have our spouse get upset or feel that she is less than a woman. I can never be half as much as the woman I married, but I have this "need to be a woman" Is it hard to understand, you bet, have a talk with your mate, be honest with each other

Molly

[LaurenS]

For what it is worth, the only thing I deceived my wife on was my cding before marriage. Never cheated on her or anything like that. CDing is such a private, deep secret to many of us that even the most open and honest would hold that back.

I would speculate that most CDers are open and honest people. Trust your instincts. If you had no reason to think your were being deceived on anything else, then I think it is safe to assume that this was the only thing.

[mechamoose]

Dinky, don't worry so much. We are who we are. We just need to work out how that fits.

I'm a flaming beacon on the Mod's radar. Don't worry about your minor transgressions, impoliteness is the least of offences. At least you are speaking your mind, which gives you points on MY list.

CDing isn't a disease. It is an expression of ourselves.

Speaking up for yourself, not being sorry for yourself, is the key to the door. Only you can decide to walk through it.

- MM

[Andrea2656]

I understand your feelings. My wife has expressed the same frustration and mistrust with me. I kept my crossing dressing a secret for many years and my wife "discovered it". Though she is generally okay with the crossdressing (though she thinks it a bit weird) it is the lingering lack of trust because of the long held secret that is the issue. However, it is important to try to move beyond that to keep the relationship open and healthy.

[mechamoose]

However, it is important to try to move beyond that to keep the relationship open and healthy.

We don't have a Rec button. If we did, I would hit it.

Honesty trumps all. If someone loves you, *trust them*.

- MM

[Dinky39]

I understand that having kept the cding to himself for so long that is difficult to talk about it. I am certainly in a different place to what I was this time last year. (As is he) It is only in the last few weeks that he has been been more open. It was the lack of openess that was frustrating. I'd have preferred everything was thrown on the table rather than being fed information in dribs and drabs. Anyway,he's going to go the whole hog on Friday night...which I am cool with. I get to meet this other person who has caused all this trouble! ;)
I still stand by what I said though. Just didn't intend to upset/offend anyone. (Sorry,I can't help myself!)

[Sarasometimes]

Teresa put it well. Hey when the time was right to share this with my then future wife I can honestly say i didn't understand or grasp it well enough to share it. This may apply to your hubby but don't question everything because of this reveal. Sadly this is something we are not comfortable revealing even though it is not something that should be looked upon with disdain. Heck women do this with encouragement...the boy cut, boyfriend jeans....I think my part of society would accept cheating quicker than a male crossdresser.

[Dinky39]

LaurenS-I beg to differ on 'most crossdressers are open and honest people'. You lie by omission that you like to crossdress. You spend money (maybe a lot) on your second wardrobe. You hide stuff. You perhaps blame your daughters for say strands of hair left in the bathroom sink or glitter left on the carpet/couch. You spend nights away from the family home in order to indulge yourself. You may persuade your wife/family that it would be really really nice to visit Aunty Carol for a few days. You spend time on various websites/forums discusding cding and commenting on peoples photos. You constantly clear the history on the computer/tablet. You may wear/try on your wife's clothes.
This is not open nor honest.
And Teresa,this isn't just a small lie. It branches out. I am not perfect and don't claim to be. I have my flaws.
However,like I said I have come to terms with it. He has brought a few things home. That's ok. I told him to.
My husband wasn't home last night. I know where he was. But I'm trying my very best not to double check. I even dreamt about it. You see???? You get me??
All goes back to one thing.

[Teresa]

Dinky,
I'm not guilty of all the things you mention, but maybe there are some not listed I am guilty of !
I try hard not to spend too much money and mainly source from charity shops, this a point I am open about. I'm only a member of this forum which I do find useful and yes fun at times, but I do delete my history , I know I have revealed too much which my wife would be unhappy about. I now wear some clothes that my wife has passed onto me so we're OK with that.
Now that I have attended my first social meeting one of the problems will be leaving the house when the nights get lighter, she has suggested I dress at the venue and stay over, which has surprised me. At the moment I'm declining the offer because of the extra money being spent on my CDing, a point she appreciated so now we have worked out a suitable arrangement.
It's nice that you admit you're not perfect but I do have one question, if all the faults listed were totally open to you, no lies no deceit, how happy would you be ? At some point would there be the straw that breaks the camel's back and you want a total end to CDing and if not your marriage ?

[Tina_gm]

LaurenS-I beg to differ on 'most crossdressers are open and honest people'. You lie by omission that you like to crossdress. You spend money (maybe a lot) on your second wardrobe. You hide stuff. You perhaps blame your daughters for say strands of hair left in the bathroom sink or glitter left on the carpet/couch. You spend nights away from the family home in order to indulge yourself. You may persuade your wife/family that it would be really really nice to visit Aunty Carol for a few days. You spend time on various websites/forums discusding cding and commenting on peoples photos. You constantly clear the history on the computer/tablet. You may wear/try on your wife's clothes.

I have learned a lot in the roughly 2 and a half years I have been on this forum. I am here in a large part to not only save my marriage, but to keep it a healthy one. My admission to being transgender certainly put a damper on the marriage, but it did not end it.

One of the things I have done, is take in all of what the GG's on this forum have said like a sponge. The above what you say, while not true of every CDer is common among many, or at least some of it anyway. Where we the CDers often worry about our femininity and dressing (not that it is an easy hurdle for our partners by any means, it is the activities done, the lies told, the lack of trust as a result which is so often spoke of as the hardest part of it all. Anger, not at dressing, but of lying about it, and the many other little lies done to preserve the big one.

None of this is fair for the partner of a CDer to have to deal with. It happens so often though. WE lie to ourselves for so long too. WE try to be the man society expects us to be. When I 1st started dating my 2nd and current wife, I was still in a lot of denial. I could have told her I had dressed maybe a half dozen times in my life. I could have told her how much I wanted to. But, like every other person, every relationship and my 1st marriage before, in my mind, it was my deep little secret I was taking to my grave. I was continuing as I had done for nearly 3 decades. Try to be the man I was expected to be. What kept me trying, what kept me in denial and the confusion swirling about for all those years is that a part of me IS that man.

No matter what I say, or how your husband describes his reasons, his issues, his denials, lies and whatever else, for you, it still hurts, and nothing said will ever really be able to take that pain away. You were wronged. Probably not by any ill intention. In fact, the lies and denials were mostly good intentions, at least in his mind.

Yes, you have every right be feel hurt, and to be angry. Now, how do you deal with this???? While it is not fair that you have been made to take this on without been prior informed, it is what it is. You can spend the rest of your marriage letting anger hold over it. You can be angry at all of us too. There are definitely women who are angry at all CDers, and angry at their partners, or ex partners. I think rather than that road, would be to decide not to be angry, even if it means you have to leave. He never wanted to hurt you. I highly doubt that he was rubbing his hands together with an evil laugh thinking to himself I will hook her, trick her, have her marry me and then it will be too late.... Hopefully in time, you can look for and remember all the things you love about him. They are all still there.

[Amy Lynn3]

Dinky, I have watched and read your post from the very first one. I observed you had been hurt and wanted to hurt back. I am so glad that you now seem to have mellowed out some and I'm sure you feel better. I think you are well on your way to healing yourself and forgiving your husband for the hurt he caused. May I offer this, you may want to consider this fact I learned many years ago. Anger/bitterness will only destroy the container it is in.

Gendermutt explained very well why you were hurt and I ask you to consider what was said, because they are the very things that caused your husband to do what he did. Understanding and forgiveness is needed now. It is the only way to move forward, leaving the hurt behind. Easy ? No ! Just the fact you saw a need to apologize for some of your post, tells me you are well on your way back to a happy life. We are all behind you. :love:

[Dinky39]

Gendermutt,Lynn&Teresa-thank you for your informative posts. And to everybody else. I know everybody is different and there is a very large umbrella in which we all are under. It was the secrecy and deceit which almost destroyed me. Not to mention the cover ups over the years which made me feel like I was losing my sanity. It was like fumbling my way through a darkened room as I wasn't getting much information/truth from my husband. I'd have preferred him to (pardon the pun) to man up,grow a pair and give it to me straight. I can deal with facts,I can work with that. It was very hard to deal with the unknown and an unwilling to tell me all of the truth husband.
We are still working on things and as long as I know the truth&he communicates with me,then we'll be ok. He seems less burdened,more carefree and generally happier now. I'll take that,rather than having a grumpy tense husband who used to blow up every few months due to what I imagine,frustration. I'm not a religious person,but I didn't walk into this marriage to walk out of it so easily. I'm afraid he's lumped with me for some time yet!
Cheers my dears! Dinky.

[sometimes_miss]

Re: The lying thing.

Everyone lies. The question becomes, about what? Whether it's a lie of convenience (Oh, we're busy that weekend), omission (dear, did you really want to know that I still took baths and played with little boats up until the day we got married?), kindness (Of course not, no one will notice that scar on your face/bad haircut/burnt off eyebrows/etc.), to things that no one really wants to think about (oh, don't worry, no one 'goes' in the pool), etc., everyone tells lies. And there is the problem. We allow ourselves to tell lies, while insisting everyone else be completely honest towards us. We really need to give ourselves, and everyone else, a bit of slack. It's not a perfect world.

[Tanya+]

Its worth a chat. I lie mainly by minimising my femme side, so i don't freak her out, because deep down i am still ashamed about my needs and the compulsive nature of it. I think she accepts it more easily than i do. Most of my self-hatred has gone, but what is left makes me tend to want to hide it. So i wonder why he lies, more than what he lies about.

[Amanda M]

Dinky - your last post made my day! Punish him! Make sure he KNOWS that you will always be there. And pity him too. I am sure, although, sadly, I have never met you, that you can really understand the pain and fear that he has gone through. I do not say that to in any way diminish the hurt and betrayal that you may have felt. Far from it. I admire you immensely.

But here we are, with the eternal dilemma for crossdressers. Do I tell upfront or not? I may lose her, that woman who could be the love of my life. I might, but I will have deceived her, and when she finds out as she undoubtably will, she will be crushed by my lack of trust and faith in her. She will hurt more than I will ever know. Should I do that to a person that I profess to love?

For me, real love is often about putting your partners needs first - but not to the extent that you become almost a non-person. Sadly, for many people who crossdress, life becomes a a process of avoidance and guilt. Over what? You prefer ladies panties or something. May I say in closing, bless you both. Amanda

[Dinky39]

I don't pity my husband...i feel sad that had this burden on his shoulders unable to talk about it. I also feel ashamed I reacted the way I did when I found it. Judging by reading other posts,it was a stereotypical reaction,although in my defence I had gone through 2 very traumatic events 3&6months previous. I was an emotional wreck. I'm not a vindictive or nasty person and it hurts me sometimes to think I made him feel so bad when I threw him out. The nature of the way I found out did not help either. I've been trying for a while now to understand,maybe I never will,because quite frankly if I could get away without wearing a bra,I would-I can't! I live in jeans&t shirts. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've worn a dress in the last 5 years. Give me a pair of flats over heels any day. But look,this is what floats his boat. It does make you question yourself though&I did. Because of all those things I mentioned above,I thought maybe it was 'my fault'. Not good looking enough,not putting enough effort into my appearance. By constantly educating myself,I know that not to be the case. I'm getting compliments left,right and center now which is great! I do feel better about my own self and my hubby obviously does too by giving me those compliments and shows of affection,which had been very few and far between before. He has my full support,I guess we just have to find a balance. Life does&will get in the way,that's just the way it goes.