Kimberley May
02-15-2016, 01:58 PM
Well, I think I may be Bipolar II (https://wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_II_disorder) for a variety of different reasons, or certainly something just as serious. Anyway I was referred to a care worker. I made a conscious decision to be as honest about myself as possible if it means getting the correct diagnosis, and that meant coming out.
I felt a little embarrassed, I was certainly nervous and fidgety. The care worker was a really attractive brunette, around her thirties. The second thing I noticed was the lovely pretty way she dressed with a dark petite floral blouse, a black skirt and stockings to go with her long brunette hair. I remember thinking at the time I wanna be with her, dress like her and look like her lol. It probably helped ease me as she was really smiley and sympathetic too, and I find it easier to talk to women about personal things than guys anyway, especially about "these" things (apart from you gurls).
Anyway, she said it would all be in confidence, so I told her. How much confidence though, just between me and her only or confidence between me, her, the NHS and the government? I find there's a huge difference of trust between the two here.
I also told her that I hadn't told my gf. She saw nothing wrong with this. I know many of you gurlz think I'm maybe being dishonest and deceitful in not telling her, but we don't even live together yet. She also said there was nothing to be embarrassed about, that more and more people are becoming accepting of it these days. I'm unsure how true that is, and also told her I've spoken to other CD'ers online. I suspect that it's still like the equivalent of being a gay guy in the 60's/70's. I wouldn't dare walk out my door like this. I very much doubt even the two gay guys who live below me would emphasise. They cause me enough trouble including with their gossiping as it is.
Anyway, a reason I told the care worker is to try get to the root of why I like to CD as well, as I believe it's a symptom of something far bigger. I told her that it makes me feel a liittle closer to female romantic intimacy having lacked it a large part of my life, and also that I feel calmer in myself, as my depression and anxiety can be very overwhelming. I also told her my experience of recently satisfying my bi-curiousity, and how I feel I regret it yet now realise I'm ultimately straight only. That was another dark secret of mine I fear I'd take to the grave alone. I forgot to mention that all this is that maybe it's because I feel a bit of a failure at being a regular guy for much of my life, for many reasons I won't go into here and too many skeletons in the closet really weigh down on you.
Anyway, I've actually told someone now face to face as my regular self for the first time. I don't know how I feel now tbh. Well I already know how self-destructive bottling things up can be so maybe it may ease a certain guilt I feel. But also because I've likely left a paper trail on the internet anyway with photographs etc on certain CD websites they like to harvest with your username i.d stamped underneath (even when you delete) plus likely transactions on my bank statement, it kinda feels like I've inadvertantly ousted myself out too much than I cared for anyway. Again, telling before being ousted anyway eases a burden of guilt and a denial.
All I know is that dressing (and other things) wasn't really a conscious choice to begin with, but now I realise, I now it's time to take a more conscious action. I guess that's why I told her. Well, I scored very highly on her initial tests on my depressions/anxiety and with everything I just mentioned and more, maybe things might get better. Maybe I might learn to accept myself more. I'm unsure how this will affect my CDing longterm though. The next year or so could be interesting.
Right now I'm all dressed up again drinking a bottle of strong fortified wine. Wearing my purple crop top and cute cardie, and with my black stretchy ballet flats, I'm also wearing my new black stretchy jeggings over my stockings and under my stretchy black mini skirt, looks and feels good and keeps me extra warm :)
Kimbers x
I felt a little embarrassed, I was certainly nervous and fidgety. The care worker was a really attractive brunette, around her thirties. The second thing I noticed was the lovely pretty way she dressed with a dark petite floral blouse, a black skirt and stockings to go with her long brunette hair. I remember thinking at the time I wanna be with her, dress like her and look like her lol. It probably helped ease me as she was really smiley and sympathetic too, and I find it easier to talk to women about personal things than guys anyway, especially about "these" things (apart from you gurls).
Anyway, she said it would all be in confidence, so I told her. How much confidence though, just between me and her only or confidence between me, her, the NHS and the government? I find there's a huge difference of trust between the two here.
I also told her that I hadn't told my gf. She saw nothing wrong with this. I know many of you gurlz think I'm maybe being dishonest and deceitful in not telling her, but we don't even live together yet. She also said there was nothing to be embarrassed about, that more and more people are becoming accepting of it these days. I'm unsure how true that is, and also told her I've spoken to other CD'ers online. I suspect that it's still like the equivalent of being a gay guy in the 60's/70's. I wouldn't dare walk out my door like this. I very much doubt even the two gay guys who live below me would emphasise. They cause me enough trouble including with their gossiping as it is.
Anyway, a reason I told the care worker is to try get to the root of why I like to CD as well, as I believe it's a symptom of something far bigger. I told her that it makes me feel a liittle closer to female romantic intimacy having lacked it a large part of my life, and also that I feel calmer in myself, as my depression and anxiety can be very overwhelming. I also told her my experience of recently satisfying my bi-curiousity, and how I feel I regret it yet now realise I'm ultimately straight only. That was another dark secret of mine I fear I'd take to the grave alone. I forgot to mention that all this is that maybe it's because I feel a bit of a failure at being a regular guy for much of my life, for many reasons I won't go into here and too many skeletons in the closet really weigh down on you.
Anyway, I've actually told someone now face to face as my regular self for the first time. I don't know how I feel now tbh. Well I already know how self-destructive bottling things up can be so maybe it may ease a certain guilt I feel. But also because I've likely left a paper trail on the internet anyway with photographs etc on certain CD websites they like to harvest with your username i.d stamped underneath (even when you delete) plus likely transactions on my bank statement, it kinda feels like I've inadvertantly ousted myself out too much than I cared for anyway. Again, telling before being ousted anyway eases a burden of guilt and a denial.
All I know is that dressing (and other things) wasn't really a conscious choice to begin with, but now I realise, I now it's time to take a more conscious action. I guess that's why I told her. Well, I scored very highly on her initial tests on my depressions/anxiety and with everything I just mentioned and more, maybe things might get better. Maybe I might learn to accept myself more. I'm unsure how this will affect my CDing longterm though. The next year or so could be interesting.
Right now I'm all dressed up again drinking a bottle of strong fortified wine. Wearing my purple crop top and cute cardie, and with my black stretchy ballet flats, I'm also wearing my new black stretchy jeggings over my stockings and under my stretchy black mini skirt, looks and feels good and keeps me extra warm :)
Kimbers x