Donnagirl
02-20-2016, 07:21 PM
I wrote this to a psych engaged to help my rehabilitation back to work in answer to some of the common questions I'm sure we all face... (Written at 2:00 am)
Please permit me to use this wonderful extra time that insomnia has so readily granted to (hopefully) begin to enlighten you on the ease by which a transgender person can be upset, insulted, offended or otherwise hurt inadvertently by what would appear to the lay observer to be harmless or even supportive comments. This may help to explain my psyche just a little and is probably an excellent indication why the agency needs a clear policy that may go part way to assisting the wider employee base in simple interaction. I raise this as you both are guilty, in the most innocent of way, (if I can use that oxymoron) of some of the minor indiscretions I'll cover below.
One of the more common phrases I, and many others in my predicament hear is:
"You have my full support, I respect the choice(s) you've made and I'm glad you're finally doing something that makes you feel happy".
What's wrong with that I hear you think to yourself. Please permit me to elaborate...
Choice - the only real choice granted me was, and please forgive the melodrama, 'transition or die'. I don't say that flippantly. From experience and talking amongst the large group of trans friends I have, 100% have 'attempted' suicide and by attempt I use the legal definition of 'more than mere preparation'. I include in this detailed planning, including the time and date and method with some additional "consideration', to quote another legal term. Even Cate McGregor is open about her plan to take her own life four years ago on the eve of Australia Day. The sad part is that, if you believe the medical literature, which I do, an estimated 30-40% are eventually successful. I have sent condolences or attended the funeral of several transgender friends in the few years I have been active and open within the 'community'. I clearly fit well within this with now two examples of requiring external intervention. (Although I do wish to stress that the greater pain I feel is the knowledge that I do not have anywhere near the strength of mind to actually 'do it'. I've often wondered if that's a actually a strength or a weakness in my character.)
So whilst I am granted the choice of a new name and hair colour that is really about it. Consequently my decision to transition was neither brave nor courageous. If anything it shows I was unable to take 'the easy way out'. I was too weak, too scared, to gutless to follow through on what should have been the easy option. This internal conflict is a common trait and a wound easily opened by those trying only to be supportive.
Feeling happy - Being trans is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. It has cost me friends and family, it has had disastrous impacts on both my career and relationships and has nearly cost me my life and my sanity, hurt me financially and causes me to risk verbal or physical abuse just to interact in public. It has most certainly not made me feel happy. If there was a cure I would take it immediately, a double dose just to be certain. I can agree transitioning has made me not as suicidally depressed as not transitioning, but this is a great distance from anything even resembling happiness.
This might help the uninitiated understand why we are easily upset, appear rude in perpetually correcting mistakes of pronoun or gender or are perceived as permanently 'bitchy'. Personally, I have gone from having a skin thicker than a rhinoceros to being very sensitive to critical comments. Part of the reasoning for my being suspended was the impression that I demanded special treatment, being overly sensitive to harmless remarks (although I disagree that '****' is a harmless remark!) To a great extent this does have merit. The continual bombardment of offensive comments in the innocent guise of support or compliment by even the most compassionate still takes its toll.
Sadly there are many more examples... I am not becoming a woman, turning into a woman, pretending to be a woman... I've merely been forced into stopping any pretence of being a man. There are innumerable others and I'm sure you get the drift. Now I don't wish to be over critical, mistakes are plentiful. You may have already note the frequency by which I mis-gender myself!
So how can someone indicate support and compassion? Well I just want to be treated normally. I'm open to genuine humour and light 'piss taking' to use the vernacular. I'm not seeking flattery or insincere commentary. Constructive criticism is appreciated and often necessary, I'm still learning what other women have had a lifetime to perfect.
I don't want to come across as unreasonably sensitive. I do want to stress that this is an extremely difficult time in my life and negativity, whether intended or has a strangely cumulative effect. Whilst I am seeking help on coping mechanisms, I may be prone to emotional outbursts but please note that contrary to the opinion of I&PS, the effects are internalised and often vented in private, courtesy of intensive red wine therapy :-)
In conclusion please accept my apologies for past (and undoubtably future) indiscretions, comments or actions. Please understand that they are not intentionally hurtful, belligerent or uncooperative. They are simply a manifestation of the dissonance swirling in my head as I come to grips with what is effectively an entirely new me. I do hope to rapidly redevelop that thick skin I enjoyed previously (figuratively speaking obviously) and return to being a happy and productive, respected and accepted team player.
Thanks for permitting me to take a few minutes of your life unfortunately you won't get them back but I hope they were usefully expended.
Humbly and sincerely,
Donna
Please permit me to use this wonderful extra time that insomnia has so readily granted to (hopefully) begin to enlighten you on the ease by which a transgender person can be upset, insulted, offended or otherwise hurt inadvertently by what would appear to the lay observer to be harmless or even supportive comments. This may help to explain my psyche just a little and is probably an excellent indication why the agency needs a clear policy that may go part way to assisting the wider employee base in simple interaction. I raise this as you both are guilty, in the most innocent of way, (if I can use that oxymoron) of some of the minor indiscretions I'll cover below.
One of the more common phrases I, and many others in my predicament hear is:
"You have my full support, I respect the choice(s) you've made and I'm glad you're finally doing something that makes you feel happy".
What's wrong with that I hear you think to yourself. Please permit me to elaborate...
Choice - the only real choice granted me was, and please forgive the melodrama, 'transition or die'. I don't say that flippantly. From experience and talking amongst the large group of trans friends I have, 100% have 'attempted' suicide and by attempt I use the legal definition of 'more than mere preparation'. I include in this detailed planning, including the time and date and method with some additional "consideration', to quote another legal term. Even Cate McGregor is open about her plan to take her own life four years ago on the eve of Australia Day. The sad part is that, if you believe the medical literature, which I do, an estimated 30-40% are eventually successful. I have sent condolences or attended the funeral of several transgender friends in the few years I have been active and open within the 'community'. I clearly fit well within this with now two examples of requiring external intervention. (Although I do wish to stress that the greater pain I feel is the knowledge that I do not have anywhere near the strength of mind to actually 'do it'. I've often wondered if that's a actually a strength or a weakness in my character.)
So whilst I am granted the choice of a new name and hair colour that is really about it. Consequently my decision to transition was neither brave nor courageous. If anything it shows I was unable to take 'the easy way out'. I was too weak, too scared, to gutless to follow through on what should have been the easy option. This internal conflict is a common trait and a wound easily opened by those trying only to be supportive.
Feeling happy - Being trans is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. It has cost me friends and family, it has had disastrous impacts on both my career and relationships and has nearly cost me my life and my sanity, hurt me financially and causes me to risk verbal or physical abuse just to interact in public. It has most certainly not made me feel happy. If there was a cure I would take it immediately, a double dose just to be certain. I can agree transitioning has made me not as suicidally depressed as not transitioning, but this is a great distance from anything even resembling happiness.
This might help the uninitiated understand why we are easily upset, appear rude in perpetually correcting mistakes of pronoun or gender or are perceived as permanently 'bitchy'. Personally, I have gone from having a skin thicker than a rhinoceros to being very sensitive to critical comments. Part of the reasoning for my being suspended was the impression that I demanded special treatment, being overly sensitive to harmless remarks (although I disagree that '****' is a harmless remark!) To a great extent this does have merit. The continual bombardment of offensive comments in the innocent guise of support or compliment by even the most compassionate still takes its toll.
Sadly there are many more examples... I am not becoming a woman, turning into a woman, pretending to be a woman... I've merely been forced into stopping any pretence of being a man. There are innumerable others and I'm sure you get the drift. Now I don't wish to be over critical, mistakes are plentiful. You may have already note the frequency by which I mis-gender myself!
So how can someone indicate support and compassion? Well I just want to be treated normally. I'm open to genuine humour and light 'piss taking' to use the vernacular. I'm not seeking flattery or insincere commentary. Constructive criticism is appreciated and often necessary, I'm still learning what other women have had a lifetime to perfect.
I don't want to come across as unreasonably sensitive. I do want to stress that this is an extremely difficult time in my life and negativity, whether intended or has a strangely cumulative effect. Whilst I am seeking help on coping mechanisms, I may be prone to emotional outbursts but please note that contrary to the opinion of I&PS, the effects are internalised and often vented in private, courtesy of intensive red wine therapy :-)
In conclusion please accept my apologies for past (and undoubtably future) indiscretions, comments or actions. Please understand that they are not intentionally hurtful, belligerent or uncooperative. They are simply a manifestation of the dissonance swirling in my head as I come to grips with what is effectively an entirely new me. I do hope to rapidly redevelop that thick skin I enjoyed previously (figuratively speaking obviously) and return to being a happy and productive, respected and accepted team player.
Thanks for permitting me to take a few minutes of your life unfortunately you won't get them back but I hope they were usefully expended.
Humbly and sincerely,
Donna