Why can't I just slap people.

[Niya W]

Last month , while in drab, I had two people ask me am I a tranny. Then I had one person tell me oh I thought you were a real girl. One person ask me if I have not had SRS why do I use the womens bath room.

[Rianna Humble]

The answer to your title question is that that would bring you down to their level.

The obvious comeback to the person who said they thought you were a "real girl" is to reply "Thank you, I could almost mistake you for a real {insert their gender here} too"

[Marcelle]

Hi Niya,

As much as it is tempting sometimes and as much as it might feel great . . . it would do little else. If the person is being just plain rude, I might exchange verbal barbs. If they just don't know I might take sometime to educate as the person could just be naïve about TS.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Niya W]

I understand, but some folks feel like oh you are trans. Lets ask you anything with out thinking.

[Georgette_USA]

As with most things, you have to asses where and when this occurs. You did not say whether these were two men or mixed. I don't think a slap would be a very good move, unless you feel in real danger. The most obvious reason is your own personal safety. There are plenty of people that want to make it your problem, and will antagonize you.

Personal note, a TG friend is in jail and Pysch now, because she pulled a knife or gun on someone. I don't know all the details. She felt threatened, but in WASH DC this is not a clear cut case.

[Niya W]

It was two men and two women. I finally had to tell one of the women she was asking inappropriate questions.

[DebbieL]

Even when people seem to be being rude, I have to remember that most of them know barely anything about gender dysphoria, what it really means to be transgender, and the difference between a drag queen or female impersonator and a transgender woman. When I was still out as Rex, if someone saw me as Debbie and said "I saw you in drag last night", I would respond, "actually, you are seeing me in drag right now, last night, you saw me as I really am".

When someone, especially a man, asks me if I've "had it chopped off", I realize that he is attracted to me. I ask him point blank "why, did you want to have sex with me?". Often the bashful smile gives them away. I try to be compassionate with something like "I'm very flattered, but I'm already taken and she doesn't like to share". If they go beyond that I sometimes even ask "Did you want me to penetrate you?". Regardless of their answer, I come back with "I'm afraid that wouldn't be possible anyway". This usually satisfies their curiosity.

When someone is being just rude, and asks "Have they chopped it off yet?", I give them a quick description like "They don't chop it off, the cut away the tip and turn it into a clit, then they turn the rest inside out". That is usually enough to make them cringe.

When they ask more sensitive questions like "Why do you want to be a girl?", I respond "I was really terrible at pretending to be a boy". I then describe some a few of the kinds of beatings I got when I was forced to play with boys, then I pause and say "3 times a day, 5 days a week, 9 months a year - for 10 years". And I really draw it out. I've actually had people get sick to their stomach.

When they say "But you have boy parts". I respond, not because I didn't try. I tried to get rid of them by pouring boiling water on them, putting a dozen rubber bands on them, and even used a sledgehammer and a two-by-four, but I wouldn't want to do that again" (Wait for the men to stop doubling over) "And that was when I was 11 years old".

I've seen total jerks become deeply sympathetic in 15-20 minutes. Of course, I've been answering questions like these in newsgroups, chats, and sites like these for a few years now, so I have a lot of practice.

[Krisi]

Well, you can slap them but I don't recommend it. Nothing good can come of it and lots of bad things could come of it.

If people are taking you for a "tranny" (that word is pretty insulting regardless) when "in drab", you should ask yourself why. Something is giving you away. Clothing, hairstyle, your walk, etc. It's pretty rude for them to ask this but some people just don't know any better. You could say "That's a pretty rude question.", "Does it matter?" or "No, are you?"

The part about thinking you were a real girl is hard to respond to without knowing the situation and what was said up to that point.

As for the women's restroom, most of us recommend that people use the restroom that corresponds to our presentation. If you are presenting as a woman, use the women's restroom. If you are presenting as a male, use the men's restroom.

[Niya W]

Krisi I did ask and they said you just give off that vibe.

[flatlander_48]

N W:

The problem is this: It's like a Hydra. You slap one and 2 grow back...

DeeAnn

[LeaP]

OMG! Not a hydra comparison! That myth is that if you CUT OFF a head, one or more will grow back! Now that's a pretty horrifying thing to say in a TS forum!!! Anyone planning for SRS take note!

… More like whack a mole, I think.

[flatlander_48]

Yes, I know that. Note that I said "like".

DeeAnn

[ReineD]

I may be misreading, but were you coming out of a women's bathroom while in drab when this happened? Strangers cannot know how you identify internally and so if you were presenting as a male, they might wonder why you were using the women's bathroom. It makes sense that under these circumstances they'd wonder if you are TG since a lot of people believe that although TGs should use the bathroom according to their gender identity, men should not use women's bathrooms. However, specifically asking about SRS is way over the line. This is no one's business other than your sexual partners.

Also, when you present as a male, do you have gender cues that cross the gender boundaries such as female-styled hair, thin eyebrows, long finger nails, and/or wearing a bit of makeup or women's jewelry? I agree, it is not anyone's business to say anything to you. These people questioned out loud what most people wonder about when they see others who demonstrate mixed gender cues but they should have kept their questions to themselves, like most other people do. However, slapping is not a good way to handle questions if these people were just curious. Telling them it is not their concern is a better way to handle it if you don't wish to share who you are.

On the other hand if the people were snarky or they were mocking you, then a stronger retort might be appropriate (like the need to develop tolerance for people who fall outside the gender binary), followed by simply walking away and being thankful that only a small percentage of people voice their negative opinions out loud.

As to the person who initially thought you were a genetic female despite your having presented as a man ... isn't this good to know?

And last ... (you didn't go into a lot of detail in your OP): If these people know you and they question the validity of your gender identify based on your male presentation choice and the fact that you have a penis, then they deserve to be told that they need to develop a respect for people who fall outside the statistical norms. And if their only concern was bathroom-related, for example that TSs who have not had SRS should not use the women's bathroom, well truthfully the debate over this question is raging all over the US and until it is resolved in all courts of law, then it makes sense that people will have differing opinions. Once it becomes the law, then they can be reminded that the laws of the land recognize the need to use women's bathroom according to gender identity and not physical attributes, however I should think that at least transitioning TSs should be presenting as females when using the women's bathrooms?

Sorry for the wordy response, but there are many different circumstances that could apply surrounding your short description.

[Niya W]

I was as Niya. Most of the I'm Niya. So I was bit caught off guard when I was asked why do I use the womens bathroom. "As to the person who initially thought you were a genetic female despite your having presented as a man ... isn't this good to know?" I was Niya. My voice some times gives it away. In Drab I look gender neutral. I have a 50/50 chance or being sired or ma'am. When the guy asked me am I trans he just walked up to me. There was no prior conversation.

[ReineD]

Sorry Niya, I misunderstood because in your first post you said you were in drab, which I took to mean you were presenting as a male. So being drab to you means presenting in an androgynous manner? That's tricky too, because a lot of clothes that are popular today are androgynous (both men and women wear them), like jeans, Tshirts and sneakers.

So if you are full time but your transition is not complete and you still have male gender cues, then you might avoid dressing androgynously for the time being? This way your intent will not be ambiguous.

[Barbara Ella]

The underlying answer is that ilt won't make you feel any better, and it will not change anything. SOme of the comebacks here are just perfect to get the point across, and even make the perpetrator feel bad for themselves.

Hugs,

Barbara

[Brooklyn]

So if you are full time but your transition is not complete and you still have male gender cues, then you might avoid dressing androgynously for the time being? This way your intent will not be ambiguous.

I agree with Reine. Even though you may feel 100% female on the inside, there is no way for other people to know this. If you present in an androgynous way, you will certainly have these sorts of encounters in public restrooms. Maybe in 50 or 100 years our rigid gender binary will no longer exist, but in the meantime, if your appearance is ambiguous, you shouldn't blame ignorant people for being alarmed.

[Badtranny]

Her problem is a unique one. Anybody who meets Niya will have no problem reading her as female because she is the most feminine looking 'dude' I've ever seen.

I used to kid her that she didn't really have a 'male mode' and she was the worst closet case ever because she NEVER looks male. She was the first "real' TS person that I'd ever met way back in 2009 at Carla's and I was instantly amazed at how she looked just walking in off of the street. It kind of gave me a false expectation of HRT. She is truly gifted physically as a trans woman and I frankly have no idea how she could ever butch it up enough to fool anyone into thinking she was a man. :-)

[char GG]

We had two very high profile cases in our area of men setting up cameras in the women's bathroom. It was all over the news.

Therefore, I don't judge your right to use whatever bathroom you want to use, but just beware that there are other factors in this world including creepers and perverts that are invading YOUR rights. Please don't be too judgmental of those women. There may be prior information that you don't know about in their lives.

[MNwild10]

It's sad that there are still people out there who don't view you as a person, but as less, that they can say anything to and ask anything of and expect an answer/reaction.

-Shelby

[ReineD]

Her problem is a unique one. Anybody who meets Niya will have no problem reading her as female because she is the most feminine looking 'dude' I've ever seen.

Thanks Misty and again I apologize. Having not met you Niya, I would not have known this while reading your "in drab" description.

So if you cannot be read as a man no matter what you wear, then you can wear what you like like any other female. I can only then assume that the people who confronted you know your past and if so, their comments are reprehensible. I look forward to the day when all states enact laws granting access to bathrooms based on identity and not physical attributes, so that ignorant people like the four who confronted you can be put in their place. Until then, I think the best you can do is handle it firmly but with grace and keep your head high.