Doubt,confusion and fear

[Sarah-RT]

Hey everyone

It's been about two months since I've posted on the forums and I'm sure this is my first post in this section.

I have begun attending gender counselling as I had started to question the nature of my gender but the time between sessions leaves me with so many questions as I only have my experiences and I have no transgender friends though I am in contact with a support group in college there are so few of us and we are all very different or some are at different stages so it's hard to get a same experience situation.

To give a little back story I began cross dressing at around 11 or 12 ,the puberty age, though I feel as I never had the stereotypical experience of kids that age, both cis and trans where "your body begins going through changes", I never noticed any, my facial hair growth is minimal and my body hair much the same, I thought I was quite high pitched in voice for a long time too though now it's deep. My genitals never really factored in, my first personal sexual moment wasn't until I was 15.

I lived as masculine as I could portray myself from 16 or so until about a year ago(25 years old now) when I began to feel that being sculpted like a Greek hero wasn't something I wanted to do, or be known for and that I seemed to have desired that for the purpose of being attractive to women, not because I wanted to be, it was also something I thought would be good for getting out of fights because that's what men do though i no longer wish to walk around expecting to fight people.

I began to identity as gender fluid a year or two ago after I became quite active on the forums because I felt cross dressing didn't describe the emotional aspect I was feeling or the psychological, it became akin to the 'transvestite' of old. I also felt I couldn't relate to much of the content in the CDing board, not to knock what is posted there but "what colour are your panties?" Felt like a joke of what I was doing. I also couldn't remain hidden anymore and successfully came out to my friends and family, and life was good. It felt like peace in our time.

This open process began last May and I began dressing frequently, I never noticed having a "pink fog" moment and I wasn't even sure what it was like, I figured it had to do with coming out to people regretfully or the compulsive nature of buying clothes and such. As the months rolled on I was content with dressing as often as shaving allowed me, or when not having to go to work or college as I still suffer with crippling fear of others seeing me female and figured "I didn't need to present in work" so it'll be fine until I get home. Then through time constraints of college and work and other aspects of life I found I couldn't be fluid as I liked, when I liked. My facial hair also started becoming an issue where I couldn't shave it off completely and the stubble would return too quickly. I'd take many pictures of myself to post on my alternate Facebook or on snapchat for my friends to see and comment on, but I'd find myself looking at my pictures with growing remorse of how happy I appeared in them and the what if's. I then began to hate wearing wigs because of how unnatural, uncomfortable and unstylish they were and have begun to grow my own hair, i haven't got a haircut since last August and I look forward to when I can tie it up at the back.

I then realised it won't reach my expectations as I've a receding hair line and that lowering my hair line was an option, by December I was also highly convinced that removing my facial hair permanently would be a great idea, no more rough stubble, I could switch gender as I pleased and I can't grow a beard anyway and my job doesn't allow for it, win - win I thought.
I began shaving my arm pits and arms and chest because they would ruin my presentation but I'm not very hairy as it is, aside from a few loose hairs on my shoulders my back is visibly hair free naturally.
I then began to dislike the size of my hands and feet, the size of my calf muscles and biceps, I've been over weight most of my life but it never bothered me as I'm just a little round at the waist but when dressing as female it annoys me because of its limiting factor.

Most of this I attributed to not being able to present as passable and it wasn't the end of the world but I had started feeling that the emotional way I was interacting with others was an improvement, I felt very imprisoned as male in that regard, I could use my second Facebook to express as I would like and felt happy to do so. This began bleeding into my male life but it's not that I was allowing myself to express more than just grumpiness as a man it was I was femininely expressing. I've begun to favour sitting with my female friends when out socialising, though I still like to talk football with the guys ( go eagles!) but I felt more relaxed and comfortable around them (but twice as uncomfortable with myself as I wasn't like them)
In January I began to suffer what felt like depression, extreme moodiness, lack of hunger, tiredness and I began avoiding the people who knew about my transness and I couldn't face sitting with them noticing the other women in the room and longing to be like them. It felt like my mind was in a debate constantly with lots of people shouting at once but not making any sense, but everything they were saying was TRANS!!!
It has affected me in college and is crippling me at home and its following me to work, my counsellor said after the second session how heavy she feels after I describe the last few months of my life to her and she suggested some relaxation meditation to try and calm my mind a bit.

Some of the problems though is that when I feel particularly depressed it drives the need to crossdress down, I haven't deduced whether this is because of fear,shame and guilt because I'm a confused strange male or whether it's because I make for a poor flawed girl. At one point I wished the trans feelings would go away so this mental turmoil would stop and go away and one particular day it did, I had no interest in anything female, couldn't connect to my previous experiences and felt as if I had made them up, I then became frightened they wouldn't come back and it would be gone forever which made me feel worse.
A day or two later it returned and I dressed again, went to bed as Sarah and I felt a bit more relaxed and comfortable in the notion of being gender fluid but the confusion remains and the thoughts and fears and the longing.

I would say I had a normal typical male childhood, playing sports and climbing and getting dirty but I recall individual events such as wearing my sisters lipstick at 6 or 7, cross dressing my action figures with barbie clothes and wearing a costume wig that my sister had, but reading blogs online I didn't have extreme dysphoria, I grew up wanting to be a police man etc to the point now where my male identity has become stagnant because the changes to that affect how female I can be but I'm questioning if I could be female but I think it scares me a lot and I retreat to my male side, I then think I'm not gender fluid because I use my maleness to hide from the female I could become or from others seeing that side of me. I then doubt it all because I don't hate my body to the point of damaging it to be rid of it but I have no real interest in using it either. I also don't feel female because I like war films and football and don't find babies cute but I've begun to wonder if what I feel and think IS the female and not male at all and that mannerisms and responses that females use are learned and not inherited.

I'm so sorry this is so long but I'm just collapsing under my mind and need to vent,
Are there any here who are not atypical stereotypes of unhappy children in the wrong bodies or have others gone through these mental gymnastics?

Sarah x

[DeeArel]

... or whether it's because I make for a poor flawed girl...

One of life's greatest struggles is learning to accept our flaws no matter which part of the gender spectrum you reside, male, cd, trans, or female.

Society and media have made this particularly acute for those that reside more on the female side of the spectrum. I know many who have the ideal figure but only see their flaws.

For each flaw you perceive, there is a corresponding asset that you overlook. While it is difficult, accept that every one is flawed and not dwell on them. Discover your assets, work to enhance and enjoy them. Others will see your assets and joy and never spot the flaws.

Life is a long journey of self-discovery. You will get there quicker celebrating your assets.

As a side note, I have seen the pictures you have posted and am very impressed at your beauty and presentation.

[LeaP]

There are many trans people who don't fit stereotypes. There are as many that were into powerlifting, the military, and other such things associated with manly man as there are with those who played with dolls or are effeminate. Most people – trans or not, male or female – have a cross-section of interests and characteristics anyway. Forget the stereotypes. You will also never be able to solve the nature versus nurture question when it comes to behavior. The best you will do there is to get some insight into what is gendered in YOU and how you have dealt with it. What you see in other people is irrelevant.

I'm happy to hear you have found a counselor. Assuming they have any real knowledge of gender issues, that should help. Give it some time.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

the simple answer is that your comments are quite consistent with many transsexual experiences...but they are also consistent with some cd experiences as well

you just described 30 years of my life.. i spent years not dressing and getting as manly as possible...i played hockey and started fights, i drank to obesity with guys and got into fights...i went to wall street and had a macho career...married...kids....but the other part of it, the stuff you mention, plus ifelt sexual about it...constantly...it tortured me and consummed me....40 years of closing my eyes, imagining myself female and feeling aroused..
it never stopped...i tried to never think about it...
a transsexual person is going to develop highly personal coping skills and barriers to self understanding.... of course a cd/tg person will do the same thing....

its your job to work through this..your post is a good example of a good way to do it..

[rocval2001]

Sarah - first off you are very beautiful. I applaud you for seeing a therapist continue please. I agree with Kaitlyn - I think that describes most. I have deep a regret for not looking into this a long time ago. But when I was growing up in the 70's it was quite different than it is today. I wish I would have sought out advise a long time ago. Now at 55 - a unaccepting wife - grandchild one the way I feel stuck [although I know that I'm not] I was the kid that would go to sleep at night wishing and praying that I would wake up and be a girl. Then out the next day playing football [American] & baseball. Then sneaking around wearing mom's clothes when I was home alone. So I am routing for you to find yourself and accept and embrace you.

Love & Hugs
Val

[DebbieL]

Sarah,
Harry Benjamin was one of the first to really research what we now call the transgender community. He began to realize that there were many different types of transgender people, and he did research into both men and women. He followed Kinsey's concept of a scale from Zero (totally cis-gender) to six (switch or die). Initially, Benjamin focused on sexual behaviors, but later WPATH expanded the spectrum to social behaviors.

i'm going to focus on the male side of the transgender spectrum - the female (FtM) side is different but similar.

The thing to keep in mind is that MOST people are NOT on the extremes of the scale. A typical cis-gender man would usually be an Alpha Male, with almost too much testosterone. Many are very aggressive and channel their anger and energy into sports, but far more become violent criminals and end up in maximum security prisons. Often, an Alpha male is only interested in a woman for sex and perhaps as a servant. They often become violent and abusive to their wives and children. Many alpha males were killed off in the 19th and 20th century during the Civil war, WW-1, WW-2, Korea, and Vietnam. Often, the most aggressive men volunteered to be in the first wave, others were put in the first wave because they were so violent.

Most people are ones or twos. They socialize with members of the opposite sex, they are less aggressive, and they enjoy same-sex role behaviors, for example men enjoy sports and hunting and fishing, but they also enjoy cooking and music. Many of those in the "One" catagory are also ttransvestites, who enjoy dressing up or like to see women in lingerie primarily for sexual things but don't want to get fully dressed up. Generally they will have a fetish for one or two items of clothing.

A two might be a bit more feminine, has many women friends, and also enjoys hanging out with he guys, they might even have fun dressing up like a woman, in private, closet cross-dressers if you'd like. This group is actually one of the largest groups.. Some surveys of men in sex magazines have suggested that as many as 1 in 3 men have dressed as girls and enjoyed doing it.

A three has almost as many women friends as men friends, enjoys many feminine activities, and may even cross-dress in public, but usually does not have lasting gender dysphoria. They may consider themselves "two-spirit" or "gender fluid". They may be very fashion conscious, even as men. Some people may even wonder if they are gay based on their feminine nature, but they have no desire to transition.

A four has a hard time hiding their feminine nature. They enjoy many more feminine activities such as art, music, theater, fine motor skills, and social interactions as well as projects that require cooperative rather than competitive efforts. They may dress privately on a pretty regular basis and dress publicly on special occasions such as Halloween parties and costume parties. They often have gender dysphoria, but are able to cope and don't want to risk the losses that may come with transition.

A five is naturally feminine, unable to hide it, and not really committed to hiding it. The majority of their friends are women, they enjoy mostly feminine activities, and are generally very pleasant, friendly, shy, and not very competitive. They experience more gender dysphoria and struggle to maintain their existence as men. They frequently dress up at home and may even attend parties and social activities as women. They may be living part time and may be experimenting with hormones.

A six is what I call "Do or die" - these are women. They are unhappy as men, even hate being men. They often avoid sports and games and competitions with other men, especially teams. They are often bullied because they are so feminine and are literally unable to hide it even though they might try. Most of their friends are women, and sexually they consider themselves to be "women attracted to men" or "lesbian", and don't really like their male genitalia. Many sixes start to experience gender dysphoria at a very early age, and attempts to force them to adopt male roles only intensifies the dysphoria, often to the point of being confused with clinical depression. Many sixes will try to prevent the onset of puberty, even attempting to castrate themselves. There are many cases of sixes attempting to cut of their penises with a pair of scissors, especially when they are very young. Many will even continue to try to cut after they start experiencing pain. Sexually, they avoid sexual intercourse with women and in relationships with men prefer to be "bottoms". Often, they are more submissive and enjoy more dominant male or female partners. This is also the group with the highest suicide risk. A six will often attempt suicide multiple times during and shortly after puberty, or if their believe that they will be unable to transition, or that after transition, they will be ugly and look like "a guy in a dress". For many sixes who have experienced puberty, their last remaining hope is a belief in Hindu or Buddhist reincarnation, that they would be a girl in their future life. When they study these religions in more depth, they realize that they need to build up good Karma in this life to be happy as women in the next life.

Generally, those who are zero or six at a very young age are pretty much "fixed" An alpha male would become violent if forced to be feminine. A six transsexual is likely to kill themselves if they are forced to be masculine for extended periods and if they are rejected as women.

However, those in the middle, the two through five catagories are more fluid. Many twos and threes are actually fours and fives who have been subjected to intense pressure from friends, family, teachers, and leaders, to be gender conforming, therefore appearing to be less transgender. When these pressures are removed, they get old enough to move out of the house, they get divorced, or the kids move out, the pressure is gone and they will shift further to the higher and more transgender roles. Many closet fives will learn a career that can be done equally well by either gender, such as programming, technology, writing, or project management. They will avoid "man only" jobs involving heavy lifting, competition, and interaction exclusively with men.

Ironically, once the genie is out of the bottle, it becomes harder to get it back in. Someone who appeared to be a 3 may turn into a 5 when the pressure is released, but if pressured to go back in the closet, the pressure can intensify the dysphoria, pushing them to become a 6.

Gender dysphoria is often expressed in some pretty self destructive ways. Drug addiction, alcoholism, high risk behaviors, sexual promiscuity, unprotected sex, over-eating, obesity, and ignoring medical conditions such as diabetes, hypertension, or heart conditions are more subtle than slicing a wrist or swallowing a bottle of pills, and is very common in fives and sixes.

Sarah, you were probably a 4 or 5 naturally when you were younger, but pushed to behave more like a 1 or a 2 by your family, school, peers, and other authority figures. You avoided the worst of the bullying this way, but you saw it and it made your struggle more uncomfortable. Your post indicates that you are probably back to a 4 or 5, but acting more like a 4 because you are now aware of the effort, pain, and expense of the physical changes, as well as the possibility of some real personal losses.

One of the reasons for RLE (Real Life Experience) prior to transition is to help us sort out whether it's all worth it. A cross-dresser might love getting dressed up for an evening, but when they spend 14-16 hours in a skirt, hose, and heels, for a year, the cross-dresser will enjoy it far less and end the transition, the transsexual will want to grow real breasts, and be fully accepted as female, even if it means wearing a wig every day, shaving off the white stubble the laser couldn't get, and putting on full make-up every day.