Unaccepting :(

[Cristy2]

How do you deal with unaccepting family? I'm from a highly religious and very conservative family back ground and needless to say a few of my family members have the ability to make life, for lack of better words, a living hell. They think it is a sin for a man to dress in womens clothing and it's a sin to question your sexual identity. It is enough to drive a person insane at times. Especially when I don't dress in front of them and very rarely ever mention my inner feelings on the subject of sexual identity.

[pamela7]

quote passages around prodigal sons, loving thy neighbour and casting first stones ... challenge the hypocrisy of monotheistic religion. "is this love?"
where does it say it is a sin to dress a certain way? challenge, challenge, challenge

[Cristy2]

I try not to rock the boat too much because I'm not a very confrontational person, but some of my family are on my very last nerve.

[docrobbysherry]

Sounds like it's time to move out?:thumbsup:

[Ally 2112]

Keep it private and do the best you can

[Nikkilovesdresses]

How would I deal? By moving far away and living life on my terms.

The problem comes in keeping contact with those members of your family/friends you don't want to leave behind- but since the gods invented Facebook, that's become a lot easier :)

You use the expression 'a living hell' and speak of being driven insane at times. If it's truly that bad, why fight it? Take a deep breath and move on- life is hard enough without wasting decades hoping it will get easier.

I have to say I disagree with Pamela7 on this. Challenge, challenge, challenge is about standing up for yourself (a good thing) but it's also about trying to change other people (who will see that as a very bad thing indeed).

You're not in business to change others, but to live a more fulfilling life, and you could waste many years and put a lot of strain on your heart hoping your challenges will be effective- which in some cases they may; others they will not. I'm a great believer in removing thorns from the foot rather than staggering on in pain hoping the thorn will fall out by itself.

Hugs, Nikki

[Cristy2]

Sounds like it's time to move out?:thumbsup:

Thank the good lord that I don't live with them because I would probably be in a straight jacket in some padded room some place by now if I did.

[Kim_Bitzflick]

How do I deal with it?

Other than my wife (who is accepting) and kids (one knows & the other doesn't), my family doesn't know. I just don't tell them. I let them live in their little world & I live in mine. When we see each other on holidays a couple times each year, I just ignore comments like that.

They have a right to believe what they want and I have the right to believe what I want to believe. I have no more right to force my views on them as they have no right to force their views on me.

Since they don't know about me, I don't get picked on and life goes on.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Cristy:hugs:, I would avoid them as much as possible, (Out of sight Out of mind) . ~~...:daydreaming:...

[Cristy2]

Only way that I can tolerate them is to avoid them at all cost. It is strange because the ones giving the most heartache is not the older generation, but my generation on down. Times like these when I miss Christina the most because she wasn't afraid to grab the bull by the horns and throw on a bikini and walk into the room in heels and tell them to kiss her......

[Marcelle]

Hi Cristy,

I guess it comes down to how much you can tune out and how important dressing is to you. If you are an occasional dresser who just likes to do your thing then perhaps it is better to just let sleeping dogs lie and try to ignore them. I get the impression that trying to change their minds is kind of a "no go" scenario. However, if dressing is integral to your life and someday you know in your heart of hearts you will need to express that to the world well . . . just saying you may need to try and start educating early before someone finds out by accident.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Donna June]

Some of the most loving, wonderful and accepting people I know are conservative religious folks, but the sad part is the one group of people they disapprove of, is us. Years ago I was part of a church and if a homeless person walked in who was smelly and dirty it didn't matter, they would love on him and help him anyway possible. This would be true of anyone, but if I walked in dressed as a woman it would probably be another matter. Sorry to hear what you are going through.

[mykell]

this is always true, you can pick your friends but you cant pick your family,

as unfortunate as it may be you may have to just avoid the ones that protest so much,
surround yourself with the folks who care for you as you are and hope that eventually the others will learn to understand and accept,
not the optimal task when family is concerned but for your sanity its the best option....

i avoided my family about this for a lifetime....its has good and bad results. i hope theyre hearts open to you eventually....

[Krisi]

How do I deal with unaccepting family? I don't tell them that I am a crossdresser. It works for me.

Only my wife knows and she is "accepting" as long as nobody else knows. I don't know if my family would be accepting or not and my plan is to not talk about it. They live far from me so it's not an issue unless I make it one.

[reb.femme]

Hi Cristy,

I'm of the same thought pattern as Nikki, remove the thorn. Do you live at home and/or could you move out and find your own place? This would remove the problem. If your family are deeply religious, it's highly unlikely that they will change their point of view, so it's down to hard choices I'm afraid.


...They think it is a sin for a man to dress in womens clothing and it's a sin to question your sexual identity...

If what they say is true, I'm off to hell in a hand cart, as I'm sat fully made up wearing a black skirt, pink and cream jumper and wedge sandals. I wonder if I'll be allowed to turn the thermostat down a touch when I get there? :thinking:

Becky

[Alice Torn]

My family or origin, which i escaped from in 1981, and was forced to return to in 2010, is similar. It is harsh enough, without telling them about my compulsion. It would also be living hell for me, at age 61!!!

[heatherdress]

Feel good about yourself and maintain your own beliefs. Don't dress around them. Don't participate in conversations which might be uncomfortable, or hurtful. Avoid confrontation. Accept them for who they are. You are not going to change their beliefs. Avoid them if you have to. Relocate if you have to. Live your life the way you believe you should. Don't let them affect your attitude, your beliefs, your spirituality, your personal behavior. Love yourself and be proud of the beautiful person you are.

[Cheryl T]

You said you don't live with them so then don't mention it.
It's your business and not theirs. Keep it to yourself and don't worry about what small minds think.

[rebecca_ns]

this is always true, you can pick your friends but you cant pick your family

I disagree. In my 40 years on this lump of rock, I have learned one indisputable fact. Blood doesn't mean family, and family doesn't mean blood. I have blood relatives who do not associate with me because of my beliefs. I also have many friends and in laws who are not blood, but are far closer than most of my "family".

[Cindy J Angel]

Hi gf yes but kim u are a girl

[Cristy2]

I disagree. In my 40 years on this lump of rock, I have learned one indisputable fact. Blood doesn't mean family, and family doesn't mean blood. I have blood relatives who do not associate with me because of my beliefs. I also have many friends and in laws who are not blood, but are far closer than most of my "family".

I agree 100% on that point. My friends are more family to me than my family.

My dilemma is that when I was in the service I had to keep everything under the radar and I could hide behind my work/duty, so no one would even have a reason to suspect, but now that I am retired I don't have to hide if I don't want to and it is not as easy to hide as it once was just a short time ago. Like I wrote to someone in a PM a little while ago, at this point in my life I find myself dead center of a very high draw bridge that is starting to open up and I need to figure out once and for all if I am or I am not before I end up falling through the opening down to whatever is down below.

[LeaP]

Forget it. You'll be in a position of arguing with those who are not theologically knowledgeable and those who are won't be persuaded anyway - their beliefs are rooted in their interpretational depth. Your best shot at peace is to live well.

[Cristy2]

I need a TG/CD Moses to lead me to the TG/CD Promise Land. :)

[rebecca_ns]

, at this point in my life I find myself dead center of a very high draw bridge that is starting to open up and I need to figure out once and for all if I am or I am not before I end up falling through the opening down to whatever is down below.

Think if it this way. One side of the bridge is family acceptance. The other side is family disapproval. In the middle, is you. Be you. I know. Easier said than done, eh..??

[mykell]

...............this is always true, you can pick your friends but you cant pick your family,

as unfortunate as it may be you may have to just avoid the ones that protest so much,
surround yourself with the folks who care for you as you are and hope that eventually the others will learn to understand and accept,
not the optimal task when family is concerned but for your sanity its the best option....

i avoided my family about this for a lifetime....its has good and bad results. i hope theyre hearts open to you eventually....


I disagree. In my 40 years on this lump of rock, I have learned one indisputable fact. Blood doesn't mean family, and family doesn't mean blood. I have blood relatives who do not associate with me because of my beliefs. I also have many friends and in laws who are not blood, but are far closer than most of my "family".

exactly the point i was trying to make, invariably folks dissect posts to dispute one sentence when i was making the exact same point worded differently....

[rebecca_ns]

:Peace: Sorry. I didn't mean to come across that way.

[Stephanie47]

I tried going through some of your previous posts to figure your background out. If you are retired from the military based on length of service, and, not medically discharged, I figure you must be in at least your late thirties to early forties. I don't know if you're married. I had a mother who was poison. If she did not like someone she would shun them and make disparaging remarks about them. Growing up it did not make a difference to me other than her attitude caused me to volunteer for the draft to get as far away from her as possible. That may have been not so good of an idea as I ended up 8,900 miles away. But, that's another story. While in the army I met my future wife, and, we have been married over forty years now. She is wonderful. However, my mother hated her for no reason other than my wife became the woman first in line for attention. That old Bible verse about yoking to your wife, etc. Anyway, until my mother died she did not recognize my wife. And, she made disparaging remarks about my granddaughter because son son is not married to my granddaughter's mother. It does not matter they have been together for sixteen years so far.

Anyway, she was total poison. My advice to you is to distance yourself,,,,physically and emotionally from the poison people. Move. I moved three thousand miles. Eventually it becomes out of sight, out of mind. If you need to visit Jacksonville, then visit those who do not chastise you.

Donna June (#12) has it right. Some people do not adhere to their own scriptures. They judge. I've seen it time and time again.

Get out of town. Take your pension and relocate to an area where you can be free to be yourself.

[msannacd]

"I have no more right to force my views on them as they have no right to force their views on me." Thank you! I have friends who call me small minded because I don't flaunt my femme side to the world. It's mine to do with as I please.

[Cristy2]

You didn't miss my age by far! :) If I could afford it, I would just pull up stakes and move somewhere unknown.

[CarlaWestin]

Eventually, and inevitably, it will dawn on you that it's OK to enjoy yourself with what makes you happy and whole. That's when you start living your life and not theirs.

[Lorileah]

Moderator note. General (and I mean very general) references to religion will be tolerated. When you start getting specific or throwing stones and a specific group, this thread will be done. Please try and keep it off the religion bend, thanks

[Cristy2]

Thank you Lorileah. The exact reason why I did not name the group in question because even inside the particular denomination, some districts are extremely accepting and others are not. In my case it is more a family religious belief issue than the religious group itself. It can ever be subdivided again into the only reason some of them believe what they believe is because that is what grandpa believed right wrong or indifferent.

[OCCarly]

I need a TG/CD Moses to lead me to the TG/CD Promise Land. :)

You mean West Hollywood? Just take Interstate 10 west until you get to Los Angeles, exit at San Vicente and go north until you reach Sunset Boulevard, and you're there! And don't forget to stop off in Palm Springs on the way in!

Seriously, let's look at what these people believe in: http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html

If you are a good person, Jesus loves you. Don't worry about it.

[Cristy2]

Unless the cost of living has gone down in the last ten years, I don't think I could afford to live in California.

[mechamoose]

How do you deal with unaccepting family?

90+ percent of my family has 'different beliefs' than I do. They sometimes get frothing about it.

These are my father's sisters and brothers. I feel like an alien compared to them. I could never fit in their world. I'm anathema.

Yet I'm still me.

(walking the border on religious discussion, which is banned)

PM me if you want to have further discussions on similarities or differences.

I love them, but I really have a hard time with segments of it.

Kitty / Moose

[Mayo]

Dan Savage has a good approach to your dilemma, I think. He tells people to put the onus of acceptance on the family, not on you. Tell them that if they can't accept you, they simply won't be seeing you, and that when they finally manage to become accepting and non-judgmental they should drop you a line. You don't have to 'force' your views on them - they have the freedom to choose what matters more to them, and if they don't choose you then why would you want to be with them anyway?

[JenniferR771]

You need a more liberal church. Check the yellow pages. Only call them if their ad says "open and accepting".

[JeanTG]

I am a believer, and belong to a conservative denomination. However it accepts me as I am, while at the same time challenging me to be a better person and, this is the important part, not make myself the center of attention but focus my attention towards others' sensitivities and accept them with *their* foibles as well; we all have them, we all have our blind spots and foibles. I think it's a good thing for any belief system to challenge us to not be self-centered, but instead to be sensitive to others. "It's not all about me" is a motto I try to repeat to myself because I know that by nature, I am a very self-centered and often clueless person. I try to be sensitive of the impact my CDing has on others around me in particular my family and my wife.

The other thing to take into account is that most often prejudice is a disguise for fear. People are often prejudiced because deep down they fear their own deviations from the social norm. It helps to be compassionate towards people who cannot confront their own fears. I used to be highly prejudiced against homosexuals until I finally came to grips with my own gender identity disorder, and confronted myself and God with it. Then I realized just how much their own struggle resembles mine. It was my own fear that was giving rise to my prejudice. Now I am much more accepting. Life is a journey, and not everyone is in the same place on the journey. It's not related to age. Some people go down the road towards wisdom more slowly than others.

I hope that's "general" enough to avoid breaking the rules. Maybe I should replace "denomination" with "philosophy" or "community" :)

[bimini1]

I have to say everybody does the best they can from their own level of consciousness. You can beat yourself up by letting them get to you. You can accept the fact that they are not going to change their views. You can personalize it and internalize it as an attack on you. I know it often seems that way even though they don't know about you.
They used to tell me no one can make you feel a certain way without your permission. It's difficult to accept this but it is really true. You cannot change them. You can only work to change the way you feel about what they believe.
It sounds like a part of you might still believe there is some truth to what they say, if you were raised with that kind of influence the socialization of it can be very powerful and difficult to overcome.

[MNwild10]

It's very hard to manage your emotions in a situation like this. Especially since your background info presents it as though they bring it up even though you aren't dressing in front of them or talking about it. As others have mentioned, you just have to try to let it go as much as you can. There are plenty of other supportive people out there who will help to lift you back up!

[Cristy2]

They'll have a real cow here pretty soon because I definitely am going to see a counselor. Wish I knew someone, somewhere CD/TG friendly but the only one I ever knew in real life was Christina and she didn't starting getting serious until just before she died.

[Justina]

I'm in same situation, I just haven't told no one and don't think I will.

[Georgette_USA]

Cristy

I sure their are plenty of friendly places in FL. Not sure around Jacksonville, I recently checked out multiple places in the Tampa Sarasota area. Have you tried Google for CD/TG support groups around Jacksonville Orlando Tallahassee areas.

- - - Updated - - -

Justina
I know of at least 3 TG support groups, and a very large group of CD and TG in the very large WASH DC and Baltimore area.
Not sure if I can publish websites here.

[OCCarly]

Unless the cost of living has gone down in the last ten years, I don't think I could afford to live in California.

West Hollywood is definitely out of reach, even for me. But parts of Palm Springs are still very affordable, and the town's population is 51% LGBT.

- - - Updated - - -


You need a more liberal church. Check the yellow pages. Only call them if their ad says "open and accepting".


Try the United Methodist Church. A few years ago (2010 I think) they amended their Book of Discipline to require all church leaders and members to practice tolerance toward LGBT folks.

[Cristy2]

May have to check that out one day. Would love to move to a more accepting location, but that green stuff is real tight now-a-days. Northeast Florida is still not very LGBT friendly.

[PaulaQ]

You should move to Miami. It'll be better than where you are now.

As for your family, as others have said, bid them goodbye nicely, and cut them out of your life. This is a painful choice - I know it is. I didn't speak to my father for the last 10 years of his life. I've lost many friends during my transition. The way you are being treated is abusive. You don't need to continue to endure this.

[Cristy2]

I can't afford to move right now. Wish I could because Jacksonville would be miles in my rear view mirror.

[PaulaQ]

Save your pennies, hon, and start looking for work in Miami. Sometimes that's the best we can do. I wish you well.