Where does she go?

[Sarah Doepner]

Let's get physical! Well, metaphysical at least. Where does she go when you change back to boy mode?

Many of us spend a lot of time and effort in creating a female persona complete with name, fashion sense, wardrobe, experiences, likes and fears. We say we love the time spent as that feminine version of ourselves. But there are times when we feel we must present as our birth gender and take care of life's demands and expectations.

How far from your feminine self is your masculine self in behavior? Has it changed over the years? If there is a big difference, where does "she" go and does it seem that the greater the distance the more disruption there is while she is gone from sight? Do you think you are doing damage to your personality through this compartmentalization or do you think it's necessary to keep life under control?

Sarah is usually pretty close to the surface for me, although it doesn't normally look like it. Attitudes and interests remain the same and I think they may have been migrating toward the feminine but maybe it's always been that way. I've been told by more than one person that Sarah is more open and easier to get along with than Dave. She doesn't go anywhere, but for some reason I do behave differently but at those times it sure seems like she is somewhere else. Still working on finding that balance.

[Sarah Louise]

That's an interesting question. I do seem to switch from girl mode to boy mode very easily. For example, last week, I spent Saturday morning girlie and dressed, then in the afternoon, I switched to male mode and watched sport, drank beer and shouted at the television (something that just doesn't seem right in girl mode).

In saying this, I've always had a softer, sensitive side which doesn't go away. It just gets hidden under the surface of my male mode and only those who are very close to me get to see it.

[MNwild10]

I don't think my two halves could be any different. There isn't much of a semblance at all. Though my male self has evolved due to my female self. Realizing my wants and desires made me who I am, and not a "freak", has made me much more accepting of others entirely.

-Shelby

[Cristy2]

Very interesting question. Unfortunately I cannot honestly give you a straight answer because although she has been around for as long as I can remember, I never really took time to get to know her myself until just a few years ago, much less give her space to step out to flex her wings.

[Krististeph]

For those who are into astrology, I am Gemini- (we do not believe in astrology, for the record) my 'twin' is always with me on the surface. just dressed in male clothes (which many gemini females prefer, supposedly)

This is a good question, and one worth looking into even if you think you know the answer to it.

Most people have more than one single persona- usually either fully integrated or functionally separate- and the ideal thing to do is to have a confluence of direction so that the person who the sum of the personas can function effectively.

We are complex. But this complexity is advantageous in social functions: we cooperate despite our independence. Well, many (or most, hopefully) do...

[Dana44]

It is different for each of us. I am gender fluid and have talked about the switch from male/fem. I must say they are always present and male or female switches on any day or any time. I am a Libra, Both sides of my brain are operating and I am creative and intellectually curious. But for me the switch back and forth and seems to be more of a physical manifestation. I don't think there is any metaphysical or perhaps it is more biorhythms oriented.

[karen inside]

Intresting subject for me currently as I am deep in remodeling parts of my home (myself) and the focus unpleasantly snuffs "karen". I'm not a great multi tasker and want to get these things done in preparation for annual vacation across the pond. When there is too much going on I cannot relax, enjoy painting my nails, reading or listening to musik around the house as karen. Simply creates stress that I could do without as I know which life I would prefer. And when I have more frequently been karen, like every evening, I loose intrest in the gym, daily male responsibilities, and the male part of my life. But i'll forever have to accept the conflict. Really although I can...I'm tired of doing it all! The gap between the two of us is growing more & more. And although I have always been comfy in my situation, lately i feel a little counseling may not be a bad thing. So no...not easy. The switch is difficult as I don't want to always put her away.

[Pat]

Early on when I was thinking I was two separate beings sharing a body, I did an experiment to see when Jennie left the building. Once I had attained her, I could see her up until I took off the wig and then she was "gone" to me. Over the years I came to accept there's only one of me and now I can see the female in me when I'm in a man's suit and tie, or a dress or anywhere in between. But I still have that moment of resistance when it's time to take the wig off. I imagine Dumbo feels the same way about putting down the magic feather even though he knows he doesn't need it to fly. ;)

But also over that time my mannerisms have changed, my walk and posture have changed and I always wear earrings and nail polish, so maybe I never lose contact with my femaleness because I don't try to suppress it any more. I tend to linger in the in-between state where I'm comfortable.

[Alice Torn]

I came out to a long time gay friend years ago. He does not understand why any man would want to act feminine, or wear womens' clothes. He says men can be gentle, and sensitive, as men, and need not try to have a feminine side. I have always been sensitive sided, and submissive mostly. I don.t see much difference, but i do have a blue collar, get greasy and dirty male side, that i would not want my lady side doing.A bit confused.

[rebecca_ns]

Interesting subject. As I have only acknowledged Rebecca fairly recently (February 12). I know Rebecca is always there, just looking out of Richard's eyes. Even when I am doing "male" activities, Rebecca is always there. The sad part, is that I have always tried to shut her up, and push her away. I have lost too many years faking it as Richard, and not being real with regards to Rebecca. Years I cannot get back.

[sometimes_miss]

'She's' always here. 'She' takes on a MALE role and attire whenever in public, and does it so well that as far as 'she' knows, no one is aware of who she really is. She sometimes considers, perhaps, her acting skills might have been good enough to make a career in theater. And she also wonders if she'll ever find a mate again.

[Jenniferathome]

There ain't no "her." I'm me and "me" is a guy who sometimes likes to cross dress and present as a woman. As crazy as that seems, it's what it is. Fortunately, because I am out to my wife, I can talk about fashion as well as biking with her; in either mode.

[Robin414]

Where does she go!? More like where has she been...locked in a box with a big lock I think...she apparently found the secret latch though! For the most part, we have an agreement (visitation rights?) that's working pretty well (I have the body 8 hrs a day 5 days a week and she has it otherwise 😧 )

[Joni T]

Joni and Jon are as different as black and white.
Jon

[Tommie.]

Tommie took control last year as 'he' retired from life.... it has been much better. I and my wife like 'me' much more. The norm for me now is en femme and drab as needed. Patience with and loving yourself and those around you will find you your balance.... as said before it differs for all of us.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sarah:hugs:, ORCHID is never very far away as Mr. Drab wears
nail polish, chain necklace& bracelet and triple pierced earrings 24/7. ~~...:daydreaming:...

[mdavis]

Great question. For me, SHE is always there somewhere. She my not be visable but, the feeling is there. I've always identified with women more and I work with mostly women. When they say "you're just one of the girls" they have no idea how good that makes me feel.
On the other hand, while I love my time as Michelle, I equally love my man time working on my motorcycle, riding with buddys, watching and playing sports and just being a guy.

[Kate Simmons]

The Goddess is always with me and a part of me. When I choose to bring her out, there she is. :battingeyelashes::)

[Allisa]

I used to refer to my fluidity as two separate entities, than when I finally, totally accepted myself as me I've found that I express myself through my clothing as to what persona I need to be, but both my "sides" are always there. It's just what mind set I need to use to perform the task at hand. Since I work in a macho male occupation I can exercise my maleness to a point that being femme is easier to express when needed, which seems to be more lately(weekends out and about),and after work in some form of femme dressing which just helps feel so much more natural. As I age it seems that I'm using up my supply of "maleness" so when I retire(I hope) who knows what persona will be more dominant? But I will always be as "one" in body and mind.

[Krisi]

"Where does she go?"

I hang "her" up in the closet. A lot of people claim to have different personalities or likes and dislikes when dressed as a woman. I don't see how strapping on a pair of boobs and a wig can change someone's personality. It doesn't change mine. I'm not for Trump when wearing pants and for Sanders when wearing a skirt.

I may try to change my walk or how I sit as Krisi, but it's still Homer inside.

[JeanTG]

Good question. I'm mostly in drab these days. This morning I thought I'd dress up to cheer myself up on a grey day... but just didn't feel like it. I guess "she" has gone in hiding for a while. It happens. Where she goes is anybody's guess, but when she comes back she will certainly make it very obvious.

[Alice Torn]

JeanTG, Same here. i am just too tired or lazy, or whatever to put her on lately, even though i had planned to, several times.

[Jane G]

She doesn't go anywhere. The shape might change the clothes certainly do. But the person's the same. There are mannerisms that need to be tempered, but they do still slip out occasionally, which can amuse or annoy my wife in equal measure, depending on the situation.

[Cheryl T]

She (me) just slips beneath the waves of life (and the layers of boy clothes) like a mermaid waiting for the right time to surface and enjoy the wind in her hair.

[Stephanie47]

There isn't too much difference between Stephanie and her male counterpart. It's the clothes. I love the clothes. Based upon my recollections of psychology a person's inner makeup is pretty much set by age four. The attributes I have are shown in male and feminine mode. I'm as nurturing to my kids and grandchild as anyone would expect of a woman. Frankly, I think ascribing nurturing as an attribute to a woman is a bunch of bunk. I've many couples where the father is more nurturing than the mother.

Anyway, as a post World War 2 child my first three years were spent in a large home owned by a grandmother. My father was away to Baltimore for schooling under his GI bill. When he first worked he worked shifts that minimize his family time. So, I suppose my mother and grandmother and her female border had an influence on me.

I find it very easy to slip between the masculine and feminine because most of the time they are the same. I do call upon my feminine side to help with some stress issues...PTSD especially. I think it may be an outward diversion in my mind to appear feminine to escape the obvious male look as seen in a mirror.

[Sarah Doepner]

Thank you for the comments and your perspectives on this question. It seems I'm not the only one who has felt this, but some of you have a much better handle on it than I do.

I've been more than a little distracted by the duality of my nature and have been attempting to find a way to resolve that feeling that there is a she and a he residing here inside my head. It's frustrating for me to not only feel differently but be seen to respond differently depending on how I am presenting myself. So my goal has been to feel like I've actually integrated the various aspects of myself into a single personality. I'm not trying to blend everything into a single emotion or limit my responses, it's joyful to be complex and have a variety of choices in life. I'm trying to figure out why it seems necessary, and totally natural to limit/choose behaviors, attitudes, choices, responses etc. based on whether or not I'm wearing forms and a wig or not. I wonder if there is a threshold for that kind of complexity that seems to come before trouble, rather than produces the complexity that results in joy.

Or it could be I'm just overthinking the whole damn thing and I just need to slip into something comfortable and pour myself a drink.

[Joni Beauman]

I used to perceive a duality that was a source of anxiety, but less these days as afterall there is only one me who dresses according to occasion. Joni

[Chrissi]

I am a bit of a tom boy, so Chrissi and Chris never really go away. I'm sensitive and have effeminate mannerisms, I've always been pegged as gay my entire life, as I tick enough "stereotypes," as much as i find those characterizations and generalities distasteful. But in my case, they are somewhat true.

I wouldn't say that I have a change in outward persona, mainly a change in confidence and inner peace. Before, when I was mainly Chris, and occasionally Chrissi, I was stillthe same, but lacked a certain confidence...was always nervous and self conscious and worrying about fitting in...Now even when I have to be Chris, I channel my feelings, knowing that Chrissi is who I really am. As a result I am much more confident and happier inside. At peace. Chrissi is who I am, but I have to pretend to be Chris, but for some reason that is a lot easier these days.

[Tina_gm]

"She" is always there. I have no female persona. No name, no different anything. I have never come to any point where I actually identify as female. However, I always identify as being like a female in many ways. parallel perhaps, and in general, I am a feminine person. feminine enough to feel completely comfortable/natural wearing women's clothing. I also happen to be male, which puts me in a pretty small minority.

I have often wondered if creating a separate female persona would help, as the feminine and masculine aspects of me often collide. A separation might make those collisions not happen as often. Might make my life easier in some ways. I just don't see myself ever being able to pull off something of a separation of character. Not that I haven't even offered to try when it comes to my marriage. My wife didn't think it would help at all, possibly make things even more difficult as there would be a whole separate person involved and when and where does she end and he begin.... So, for now and as long as I can see, it is just me, the guy who is feminine to the point that he is like a female in many ways and feels comfortable and natural looking like one.... ok, not actually looking like one (although I would be fine with it if I did) but dressing like one.

[harmony]

this reminded me of a silly/funny joke.
where does the electric light go when you turn it of?



into the refrigerator.just open the door!

[PattiMichaels]

She goes to work...silently...she goes to baseball practice with the kids...silently...she mows the grass...silently...she shuttles the side job because it keeps the kids in better schools...silently...

She's always there, just not in plain sight...

Life takes many turns as we decide between plans "A" and "B"...I'm envious of those who have the luxury of expressing their selves more openly...

She's always gonna be there, no matter how we have to hide her from the light of day...

Patti

[heatherdress]

I am always me. Whether dressed or not, I am always me - a guy who likes to dress. I am not two souls. I don't have two spirits in me. There is no he and she exchange. I simply love to crossdress and I enjoy the pleasure it offers me. I may act more feminine but I am still only a guy wearing woman's clothes when i crossdress. I am not a woman and my male self does not disappear.

[Jamie Christopher]

I'm Jamie most of the time either male or female, with the exception of one of my faults, which is behind the wheel, when I can find myself swerving (literally) into guy mode, with a WTF engagement of "let's get going already". OK, my bad, just had to vent I guess...

Jamie

[Michelle Girl]

"She" goes nowhere. She is always there. She and he are one and the same and always have been. It's just that she is now given voice and limited freedom of expression through being out to my wife, this website and at the occasional CD event she attends.

Interestingly, the first time I ever dressed and spent the whole evening with my wife en femme, she was astonished that I remained the same person I've always been, despite my being fully dressed in a very elegant feminine way with full makeup. She had imagined that I would put on some femme persona, the way an actor / actress assumes a character and demeanour when dressed for the role. Being the same person helped, I think, to gain her acceptance. It was just the clothes. Her husband hadn't gone away.

She asked for my femme name. I didn't have one. Again, a degree of surprise. But I had been in the closet and had never had the need for a femme name. It's funny that my wife expected there to be two separate identities in me, one for each gender presentation.

I wonder if the general public think this is the case. I only adopted a female name when I registered for a CD event and then to join this wonderful site. But there's no split or dual personality.

That said, I feel infinitely happier when dressed. I have always felt that the differences between male and female are exaggerated. Not denying they exist, of course, just exaggerated. Dressing allows the more feminine part of me to come out better. But it doesn't increase or decrease my femininity (or masculinity, for that matter). Being all blokey and going down to a sports bar and shouting at the screen, however , would take as much effort for me and be just as out of character as dressing as a model and parading down the catwalk. Both complete artifice and beyond the male / female boundaries of my character.

Love, Michelle