The fork in the road... life issues

[Andrea2000]

Part of the reason I joined this site finally was because I feel as though I'm coming to a fork in the road. My "wearing of clothes of the opposite sex" (aka crossdressing) has gotten to the point where I already wear my feminine clothes out all of the time, my wife, while she would rather I didn't, doesn't stop me, and all around, it has become somewhat routine.

Still, there are days where when I wear my skirts and dresses out I can feel every eye in the world bearing down on my back. I live in a very strict conservative region of the U.S. where phobia's on anything outside of the ordinary is deeply frowned upon. I suppose it wouldn't be as bad if I could "pass" as a woman, but I really don't want to, and there is the red blooded American in me that thinks I shouldn't have to anyway.... if we're truly free after all, why would I feel such fear about simply exercising my civil liberties to just wear what I want?

But then again, a lot of it I think about when I'm not even dressed in feminine clothes. I think about it at work, on the loading dock, and in situations where I am for lack of a better term, and "ordinary man". It is in these situations where I am a true wolf in sheep's skin. I hear the political talk, I hear the homophobia, I hear the transphobia, I hear it all. Many of the people I work with don't know I do this, and so when they are around me, they just naturally assume "I'm one of them". It reminds me where I would stand in the event this should ever come out. And it's subject to (come out), as I don't really go out of my way to hide this. Eventually someone from my professional life WILL see me dressed femininely, and word will inevitably get out. I worry because the state I live in offers no protection on this type of discrimination, and I may be harassed and/or terminated with no legal recourse whatsoever.

So ironically, it's not what hear when dressed, it's what I hear when I'm dressed in regular "guy" clothes. It's these conversations that stick with me through the day, it's what I ponder on and consider.

Then there's my wife. While I appreciate her acceptance, our marriage is far from pleasant. We fight often. I do care about her, but I worry that I'm making her miserable, and she says she worries about the same. Come on, lets face it, in the modern world, there is no such thing as true love. All love is conditional, there are always limits. Most marriages end in divorce anyway. Although she accepts my dressing, it is a punch she pulls in unrelated fights, as she knows it is one of those remarks that hits me below the belt. Often times I just feel as though she should just go and find her a good traditional man so we both would get on with our lives. It's really not a big deal, I've been through divorce before... you survive.

But still, all of this has got me thinking, it sure would be easier if I just let all this foolishness go. If I just pretended to be the man that society expects me to be. Started wearing regular men's clothes, cutting my hair, attending church, driving a Buick, etc. I wouldn't have to worry so much job loss, teasing, dirty looks, snaring, family interventions, and nasty divorces.

It's not just crossdressing, it's other things too. There are many practices I engage in that are outside of the ordinary. Life just seemed so much easier 10 years ago, back when I was still wearing the "uniform", and doing exactly as I was told. Granted, it wasn't fun, and there was a constant hole in my soul. But today, I feel that hole has been filled with bitterness. This is not the man I want to be. I seek peace. I want to be free to live my life as I see fit. My practices and hobbies bring no injury to anyone, why is it such a problem for so many people, including myself?

I see so many people in my country, in my region even that hold "good old fashioned American freedom" so high... yet when someone, like myself attempts to explore those liberties, these people proceed to shun me. So I'm like... "so which is it, do you support freedom, or tyranny?" The answer seems to be... "free... as long as you are doing what you are expected to do".

Sorry... that's not freedom.

So here I sit today, looking out at my rack of skirts and dresses, probably totally at least a $700-$800 investment total, and I'm thinking about just boxing it all up and putting it in the attic. I'm not thinking about your classic "purge" where you donate/throw it away. No, I realize this may just be a normal phase and I'll probably get over it. In fact I have had other "purges" in the past, only with different items. I had some occultic literature that I disposed of for these same reasons, and now I regret it and wish I had the books again. So I learned my lesson on that. I don't want to make that same mistake.

But anyway.... that's one of the biggest reasons I created an account here. I've GOT to find some kindred souls out there.... somewhere, someone to talk to, or at least eyes to read my story as I bleed my heart out. I feel so alone right now. And a part of me knows that if I would forsake myself, and get in line with everyone else, I would start to fit in again...

But then again... what shall it profit a man if he gains the world and looses his soul?

Sometimes I just want to cry.... often times I do.

[Jennypowers]

I very much like your view on freedom. This is a good place to be for acceptance welcome. :)

[Alice Torn]

Conflict, sadly, is the human condition. Single here, 61, unable to find a SO, partly because i CD. Have dear friends in the church i was part of for decades, but they do not accept CDing.I feel like having a wife or SO would be having a rose, but with thorns. And Cding is like roses with thorns, too. I do not have the answers for any other human being, and will not preach, or lecture, as I am very flawed. Maybe if there is affordable therapist or counseling, for you, and maybe both you and wife. Or, in a spirit of good will, and acceptance, have a long talk, and seek compromise, and take her to a nice restaurant, and do it. If, after doing all you can do, in an open heart and mind, and there is nothing but closed mindedness, and anger, then it may be you need to dress secretly only once in a long while if you are able. If all that can be done to have peace fails, it may be time to separate. Sometimes separation can help bring two back together, but a compromise, and understanding is a must. I wish the situation will eventually improve. My 2 cents, for what it's worth. One day at a time.

[Dana44]

Andrea, welcome to the forum. Thanks for sharing your story. It rings a tone in all of us. But hey, your are right in your thoughts. Don't lose your soul. I am in a conservative area also. I have grown my hair long and have earrings. Get mam'd a lot as that's what they see. I am retired and have a tad more freedom than you. But wow, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is hard on us as we seem driven to do this. We are not those comfortable men who are comfortable in their skin. We are far different and although it seems bleak, I would say we are gifted. You have a woman that accepts you, but can you love her like a man and then have her support on this. It is possible, and we have to be manly with our women. Don't try to fit in the world. I beat to a different drum all of my life and was pretty successful yet knew I was far different.
Yeah, sometimes it can be so bad we want to cry. Cheer up buddy. better days are ahead. Take good care of that woman and talk a lot to her about it all, she will appreciate that and as crazy as it is, she is still with you. so if you put your stuff away for a bit. Be a man to her and communicate everything over time and she may be good for you. There is in fact true love. It took me a lifetime, but my SO does truly love me. Never thought it could happen. Just know you are different and appreciate the fact we we will not go into the dark as a cold timid soul that knows neither victory or defeat. Ole Teddy said that and it rings true.

[Someone777]

I'd prefer not to answer your questions with questions but there's some things I'm just not understanding here.

Why do you feel the need to share the parts of yourself that others don't appreciate with, well, the people who don't appreciate it?

I have a lot of parts of myself that most people would rather not know about. So, you know what, I don't tell them and I don't show them. I save those parts of myself for those who understand. I really don't get the need to show off for people who couldn't care less.

Technically, you're free to do what you want but there are consequences to everything you do. As far as the law is concerned, you're not doing anything wrong. Society on the other hand is a bit more tricky. It sounds like your area doesn't consider it socially acceptable. I don't really see the point in even trying to change them. So, I see two options. Try to find a compromise where you can dress up without being socially unacceptable or move somewhere that it is acceptable.

I feel like there's a bigger problem between you and your wife based on what you're saying here. I'd recommend seeking professional counseling or having a serious two way conversation with your wife.

I really feel like you're cornering yourself here. You act like your only options are to openly crossdress all the time and be a social outcast or put the lady cloths away and be a different kind of miserable. Is there really no compromise to be made here? Can you really not find a way to be comfortable with yourself without having to dress up all the time? I was happy with myself before I started crossdressing and I'm still happy with myself now. I'm not saying my life is perfect, it's far from it. I'm just saying that how I dress doesn't make up my mind about whether I'm happy or not. You are the only one with any control over how happy you are.

Regardless of your choice, I wish you luck on your journey.

[Krisi]

Someone777, I think yours is a very wise post. Andrea2000, read this over a few times.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Another vote for Someone777.

You don't mention, but are you raising children? Your marriage sounds far from happy, your job sounds unremarkable- what exactly is it which ties you to this unsympathetic region? Habit? Fear of change? Don't want to leave family?

I've spent my life moving about, changing countries, taking opportunities- and I have never regretted any of it. Change is a hurdle- once leapt it is behind you and the great thing about humans is our adaptability, our survival instincts.

As Someone says, why beat your head against the wall? Why invite discovery in a hostile environment? Why make life hard for yourself?

Go west young...man/woman/person.

[pamela7]

the delusion is freedom in a land of slaves. I feel your pains, but take exception to one point; there is such a thing as true love, but it can't be accessed from a heart poisoned by life experience; instead one has to do those hard inner yards to heal the scars and be whole in and of oneself, and then one begins freedom.

[Anne K]

I agree with Someone777. As Bab Marleysaid, "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds!". This is so true. I'd be happy to talk with you via a PM (Private Message). I have a lot of life under my belt.

[JeanTG]

My view of freedom is perhaps a little different.

I think we often confuse "freedom" with "license". Are we truly free when we ask for freedom to indulge in an obsession? While I feel relaxed while dressed, I'm not sure that's synonymous with freedom. Acting on an obsession doesn't "free" us, it enslaves us to that obsession to the point where we, and others, can become hurt.

"The truth will set you free". I think that starts with an honest self-examination of who and what we are and why we do it. Well not the root cause, which nobody knows for sure, but why we give into our obsession. It's not to be free. It's because it makes me feel good. Note that I am not trying to point fingers at or lecture to anyone here. I am talking about myself and how I perceive my dressing.

It's why sometimes I have to take a break from it. Sometimes the urge to dress just really isn't there. It can last for a few days or a few months. It happened again in the last week. When it happens, I pack everything away and "purge" it into the attic.

And you know what, when the urge to dress isn't eating at me... when the obsession isn't overwhelming me... well I discovered that this is when I feel truly free. And it is a delicious feeling.

But these are conclusions one has to arrive at by one's self. It's hard. It was extremely hard for me to stare myself down, look at myself honestly, and admit that my issue really is *my* problem, and nobody's but mine. If I am going to go through life expecting the whole world to change to accommodate me, that's a sure-fire recipe for misery. It's not all about me, I have to be sensitive in particular to my loved ones' feelings.

[bimini1]

What you are going thru is not uncommon to what I'd wager would be most of us at some time or other. Although this page can provide support and advice in the end as many have said the real answers come from within you and are for you alone to decipher.

[Andrea2000]

Hello again

On USB keyboard again... so no spell check... (you call can see how awful a speller I REALLY am)

Sorry it has taken me a little while to resond to this. I have been thinking about it off and on today and yesterday.I've been following all of the responces, and let me say that I can see there is great wisdom here, most likely gained from the "school of hard knocks" no doubt. I was replying to a PM this morning and I side tracked myself into these thoughts (she was writing about something else). It got me to thinking, that perhaps the old adage applies here: "if I see a problem everywhere I look in the world, perhaps the problem isn't in the world, the problem lies in me".

To summerize my thoughts this morning, I have just fallen into a funk of feeling sorry for myself. And I need to snap out of it. Yes, this area I live in definatly has it's puritan sects, but it's not all one way. There are many different kinds of people here too.

Perhaps I just need to stop reading the paper, and start reading "people" instead. I might find (I hope I find) that in reality, most people really aren't as mean spirited as I see in the news, and in my family (not my wife, but cousins, dad, aunts, uncles, etc)

Yes the world does get me down from time to time, but I reminded myself this morning of a saying I keep handy... it's in my signature now, and it basically can apply to any change you want to see in the world. But in my situation, if I want to find happiness in in the world, I must find happiness within myself first.

Anyway... let me just also state, that I may be guilty of misrepresenting my situation to a certain degree. Yes, my life has it's struggles and drama, but I'm also blessed in many ways and I know it. My wife has a mental condition that makes it difficult for her to maintain friendships and mingle with the outside world. To put it bluntly, nobody likes her, and I'm not trying to be mean. She has zero friends, her family hates her, and my family only tolorates her. She is in the situation because she has a long list of character flaws that just make her hard to be around. I've been married to her for over a decade now, and I've been put through the ringer.

I care about her deeply, and I am afraid that if we shoud divorce, she wouldn't make it alone. I know many here would say that she would be fine.... no she won't. You don't know her like I do, and yes, homeless women do exsist. She can not hold a job, and it's been so long since she's worked, her physical health has deterirated to the point where it may be too late for her to recover. I simply can't bear the thought of her living under a bridge, cold, and scared, while I live it up in a warm apartment somewhere.

She was having a rought morning today, becuase her teenage daughter, who considers me her regular "dad" (although latley she calles me her second mother) also doesn't like her mother (my wife). Those two fight all of the time, and often I'm stuck in the middle.

My wife is my friend. She's my best friend. We may not see eye to eye on many things, but I'm all she has, and while I do have family and friends that care about me, I also reasize how important she is to me. I've been with her for so long now, I feel my life would be incomplete without her.

And THAT'S why I feel so guilty about putting her through all of this. When ever I offer to not dress up, she thinks that I'm only doing it for her, and she insist that I at least wear one of my more "conservative" skirts. She wants me to be happy, and I want her to be happy, and this has created a nasty catch 22.

She crashed this morning because her and her (our) daughter had a nasty fight. I felt so bad for her, as she bawled as I held her. She can't understand why the world hates her. I don't have the heart to tell her that the world hates her because she can be pretty mean sometimes. (It also starts a fight between us)

Uuaagh.... it ain't easy guys and gals....it ain't easy.....

Regarding my work. Its okay. It pays the bills. Its what I consider "middle class'es minimum wage", that area where you make to much to qualify for anything, but not enough to afford anything. But I can set my own hours, and it's mostly pretty laid back so I like it. When our daughter gets out of school and starts her life, my wife and I have entertained the idea of exploring the country a little.

I'm open to suggestions on nice, affordable places to try.

[Stephanie47]

Andrea, one of the comments you made stood out. It was about the comments you heard when you were not en femme. The vast majority of people have enough sense to not say bad comments to someone's face. But, when the person of whom they are commenting upon is not present, then he or she is filleted with a knife. As a closeted cross dresser, and, one who is comfortable where s/he is, I hear comments all the time about transgenders, African-Americans, Latinos, Roman Catholics, et al. Of course, these people have no clue that all of those and then some more, such as Native-Americans are my family relatives.

I've said it many times before as Andrea has stated there is little or no legal protection in many states. Consider relocating to Washington State. Maybe, if your wife lived in a more accepting environment of alternative lifestyles, she would not fear the consequences that may befall you and her, when, not if, the haters discover you.

[Tracii G]

The whole "I live in a conservative area" really is a cop out and plays into your own fears about CDing.
I live in a city that is pretty bible belt and I am free to dress or present any way I want and 95 % of the people could care less what I wear.
The other 5 % may wonder but mind their own business.
People can talk all they want when I'm not present and I'm sure they do but at least they can see TG people are not a threat by the way I treat others.

[elliemoss]

Hi Andrea, welcome to the forum and thank you so much for sharing your story.

Living with the issue of CDing certainly isn't easy. I can bet that everyone else here would agree that it can make life more challenging. I did go through a period where I just wished I could wave a magic wand and have it disappear. Life would be so much simpler without it, but then I started to really look at all the positive elements that goes with it. All the material things like clothes, make up etc but also the more spiritual like feeling that beautiful feminine energy, feeling more compassionate, loving, open. I do believe that everyone in their life has a cross to carry and I don't think anyone get's a free pass through life. There is a great little Irish rock band called ASH. They have a song that has a simple chorus that sings "you can't have it all". I think sometimes we want it all, to dress 24/7, to have a perfect understanding partner, perfect understanding friends but the reality is we have to balance it all and sometimes have to compromise.

Only you truly know deep down in your heart what the best way forward is and it probably terrifies you. I love your observation of going back into the accepted "normal world" even though you would not be truly happy but if you are not working on being truly happy then what's the point.

I know myself I have this cross to carry and it makes life tough at times but I certainly wouldn't want to be a sheep living in suburbia living a fake life and slowly dying inside.

Just search your soul and you'll find the right thing to do.

Wish you all the very best

Ellie x

[Lorileah]

this thread is dangerously close to being gone. Rules: No disparaging remarks about where someone lives. No remarks about religions (and that includes institutions). If you aren't sure, don't say it. If you are sure but know it's against the rules...don't say it

[Alice Torn]

Sorry moderators! I just wanted to repond more. Andrea, Thanks for sharing so much!! Your sharing about you r wife, made me think of my only sister, who has been alone all her life, 68, and has a severe speech impediment form Dystonia, a rare disease. I cannot have a conversation with her, because i only understand about 10% of her speech. She goes ballistic after i try three or four times guessing, and sometimes hits and kicks. She is helping care for my 95 yr old dad. When my mom died four yrs ago, she almost cracked, but my dad is all she has, and when he dies, she may lose it badly. She implies that i will need to help her, after he dies. She has no close friends either, as no one can understand her speech. I have not come out to her, as she has already implied that CDing is wrong. I am willing to help her, but i am not married to my sister, and am not going to let her force me to live with her. I come from a "fusion" family, where no one really left home, and found a mate, or life. I applaud you for staying with your wife, despite the hardships, and trying things. Jean TG has shared some heavy, but real thoughts, too, that made me think. We all need to examine ourselves, do the heart work.

[Angie G]

Hi Andrea. Your thread is well said and is how it shshould be. If you wish to talk one on one PM me or anyone hereat Crossdressers.com. And welcome hun I think you will like it here.:hugs:
Angie

[PattyT]

But still, all of this has got me thinking, it sure would be easier if I just let all this foolishness go. If I just pretended to be the man that society expects me to be. Started wearing regular men's clothes, cutting my hair, attending church, driving a Buick, etc. I wouldn't have to worry so much job loss, teasing, dirty looks, snaring, family interventions, and nasty divorces.

You are really in a tight spot. Doing what you noted above obviously won't work out in the long run. You seem to realize that already. You would still have to live with being a CD. There is no escaping that. You already noted how much of your thinking it occupies and by keeping your clothes know deep down inside you'll never give up.
Still, you might be worrying a bit too much. As for passing, as so many have noted, most people simply don't notice or even care. Keep on that happy face will go along way to your being accepted, which is all that matters. Certainly you have to be careful about not being discovered by people you work with. A lot depends on how many know you and can recognize you. The odds of being discovered are slight if you live in a busy area and go where the crowds are.
Freedom really means mainly political freedom. As for anything else, there is little fredom. There is a saying in Japan which runs, "A nail that sticks out soon gets hit." Try not to stick out as much as you can.
Look carefully at your situation and create a niche that works for you. I think a lot of CDs lead double lives as you noted. It's the way things go.
You could also read the posting on "You can."