Too comfortable and I was outted

[Sarah Doepner]

I've been coming out to those closest to me, my adult children and their spouses mostly. One person who is not family who knows is my son's best friend who has moved into my house as he gets his world back in order after a bad financial hit. I like him and have trusted him for as long as I've known him and told him when he moved in that I am trans and will be presenting as Sarah fairly often. He has been very supportive, respectful and comfortable around me.

Too comfortable I guess. The other day I was sitting at the kitchen table presenting as Sarah and he had been going in and out to work on his car. I heard him come in and thought he was on the phone but when I looked up he was being followed by my great-nephew who is living nearby but not part of my inner circle. I'd not come out to him because of two reasons; first, he rarely came to my house without calling first and second, his grandpa (my brother-in-law) has a short fuse and demonstrated he is very trans-phobic.

I'm not sure why I didn't freak out but as my boarder realized what he had done he tried to make an introduction. I jumped in and explained that I am trans, have been so all my life and there are a few people he can talk to if he wants, but his grandpa isn't one of them. He didn't say much but "zipped" his lip showing he would keep it quiet. I'll see how long that lasts.

The plan now is to continue coming out but shift my attention to that part of the family so I can have supporters if and when my brother-in-law is told. There are times when I wonder about the choice to come out, but so far it's been a positive experience and I can only hope it stays that way. If not, I may see some changes in the family reunions. Oh well.

[Amy Lynn3]

Sarah, from my vantage point I don't feel you have much of anything to worry about. For one the young man gave his word he would not tell. We can only hope he is one of the few people left in this world who does.

Even if he does blab, what can anyone do to you about it, except make snide remarks behind your back, but I would think the young man would want to remain friends with your nephew. If he told he would run the risk of losing the friendship of the nephew and I don't feel he wants to risk that. Young guys love to hang out with anyone working on a car. It is a guy thing.

[Lori Kurtz]

It sounds like you've been taking this one step at a time, cautiously and responsibly. Along the way, you've been building a network of support and tolerance. If as a result of this little mis-step your brother-in-law does find out before you want him to, and if he tries to use that information against you somehow, he probably will not find many allies. Whoever does side with him in his potential disrespect for you is not somebody who was ever going to support you anyway. Most people will probably believe that you are more worthy of respect than he is.

[Diversity]

Since you have gone this far, you need to be realistic about human nature and the keeping of secrets. You should now take the step of 'owning it' and just be who you are and who you want to be. Get rid of the burden you are carrying and set yourself free. Good luck to you as you enjoy YOUR life.
Di

[Teresa]

Sarah,
I guess mishaps like this are bound to happen, your nephew's friend was obviously comfortable with your dressing and didn't see the harm in it.
If the worse happens how much will the grandpa's comments affect you ? If you're totally comfortable with your dressing you should be well versed in suitable answers.
Whatever happens I've accepted that no matter what people say or think isn't going to change what is inside my head.

[Sarah Doepner]

Thank you everyone.

I've had a chance to talk with my great nephew and thanked him for not freaking out and being discrete. Then I told him I couldn't have asked for a better response than the one he had. He let me know he understood why I didn't want to come out to his grandpa and reassured me he would keep it to himself and those in the family I've already told.

So that's going well, but you know how toothpaste out of the tube seems to behave. I see it here and there and in an attempt to wipe it up it smears a little wider. So last night I talked to my nephew, the son of my late wife's twin sister. I shared my journey with him because I need to bring his mother in next. Pretty soon the whole darn family will be part of this "secret", and I'll probably be moving on to talk with friends about it.

This coming out is a different process than I imagined or had even been told about. Oh Well! So far everyone has been supportive, accepting and showing love and respect. It's making me feel very fortunate to have such great people in the family. Just to be safe I'm keeping myself ready for the rejection that may or may not come, but it will be easier to handle it if I assume that somebody is going to have heartburn over who I am finally admitting myself to be. Their loss.

[ReineD]

Sarah, I'm sure your great-nephew is as aware of his grandfather's biases as you are. He indicated he wouldn't stoke any fires, and I would have a tendency to believe him. Few young people want to upset their grandparents. :)



Edit - Sorry, I responded right after reading your first post without reading the rest of the thread and I see your #6 now. Glad it is turning out OK.