Does your SO have their own jones?

[Liz57]

I started wondering how ones SO tries to makes sense of that and it dawned on me that they probably have some sort of compulsion of their own, just for something of a different nature. It seems that it would be helpful to figure out what that is in respect to them and tactfully bring that to their attention so they understand that compulsions don't necessarily make rhyme nor reason.

After reading all sorts of posts about telling your spouse you crossdress and all of their reactions, I started thinking about how for most of us it's just a strong compulsion to dress. And that's what it is, a compulsion. There doesn't seem to be a very good explanation why, we just have to.
Has anyone else had these thoughts or found this to be the case? What are your thoughts about this? Do they jones for something as well?

Liz57:battingeyelashes:

[Stephanie47]

My wife has what I consider to be a compulsion to buy fabric. She says she is going to sew all the fabric into this or that, but, frankly I cannot see it. She is addicted to coupons for fabric stores. Send her one and she is off to the races. As to things that make people have compulsive disorders she has her own skeletons to deal with, so I don't rib her too much about the fabric. Of course, I know how much she has, but, she does not have a clue to the extent of my feminine wardrobe.

I don't know if my extensive wardrobe is a compulsion. That suggests there is something lacking in my life over the last six decades. I know what wearing women's clothing brings to me, as in peace and tranquility. I can only guess, if my love of lingerie and nylon was not ingrained in me at an early age, I may have sought stress relief in some vice that truly would be injurious to my health and mental well being and also destroy my marriage.

[Judy-Somthing]

My wife loves to shop for bargains and cook.

I just thought if wearing women's clothing brings peace and tranquility, then maybe doctors should prescribe it to guys who have a lot of stress in their life.

"Doctor I have so much stress I'm having trouble sleeping!"
"Well tonight put on a nice laced silk women's nightgown and call me in the morning."

[Rachael Leigh]

Judy what a great thought.
I don't know if my wife does have any real compulsions but yes I think dressing and buying clothes for me is one

[Alice Torn]

I once let a homeless woman stay with me, before i owned any womens clothes. She had a compulsion, to collect and hoard coupons. Any coupons! She even had a small storage locker with sacks and sacks of coupons! i wrote some parody songs about her, and recorded a cassette tape of them, gave it to her. She blushed, smiled. I had to let her out, after i was forced to move 2000 miles. No sex with her and I was not attracted to her.

[Jaymees22]

My wife has a compulsion with keeping the house clean as long as I do the cleaning. After I clean something she will usually find the one spot I missed this is sometimes a micro dot, so now I intentionally miss a spot I can find.:)

[Liz57]

First, my post got mixed up. I was away for the weekend at our other house (with my sister so I could only underdress) and not good internet so I typed on my this laptop. When I pasted this in a hurry before I had to go to work it apparently didn't go right. The paragraphs are reversed.

Judy, I love your idea about the nightie prescription. I wore one while at the other house the first night. My sister told me later the next morning that she had looked in and I was still sleeping so she didn't wake me. I wondered if she could see the straps on my shoulders or if I was fully covered.

My point about the compulsion was not to use as leverage against her but to get her to understand that we all do things that we can't explain why.

Also, Jamees22, do you get to wear a maid outfit when you clean? That's one of the things I want to buy if I do come out to my wife. I doubt it will end up with me dressing in front of her but I wouldn't mind cleaning house if I had a nice outfit to wear. I have confiscated her maid outfit but it's too small really. (Doesn't stop me from wearing it though ). She never wears hers cuz the one time she did all I wanted her to do was clean. (Only kidding, but she doesn't clean much and only wore it once). I've been tempted many times when she comes back from a weekend away and I hadn't done any cleaning to say the maid didn't come. If I do come out then I could say things like that. I'd probably wear the new outfit and clean if I had it too. Getting off the compulsion point here but when I heard cleaning I thought maid outfit and got distracted. I can't help it, it's a compulsion.

Liz57:battingeyelashes:

[mykell]

hi liz,
i have shared this here before,

my wife is a football freak, she new nothing of the game till we met, my dad and myself taught her about it and nowadays a anniversary, christmas, or valentine gift is most times an upgrade to the newest season of the madden games, she sometimes runs out of patience and will buy for herself before hand, she now has an extensive jock collection of sports games, i downloaded the fantasy app and she picked it up and ran with it, so while im here sharing with my girlie friends shes downstairs play her game...

so i guess she has a jones, but i never throw that at her to try to explain or have her understand my dressing, so keep researching about telling and when you think youve done enough you will know what the right thing for you to do will be....research it some more, its a private personal decision....

[Jaymees22]

I used to clean dressed but now that my wife has retired, I dress less and clean a lot faster.

[Liz57]

I've about convinced myself that I'm going to tell her but probably not real soon. I'm pretty certain she knows and she is the kind that will be at the least understanding enough not to run. She'd likely kid me or make a sly comment here or there. She'd probable not be interested in seeing me dressed and I'm not sure I'd be ready for that either to begin with. I'm not in too big a hurry yet but the more time I spend on this forum the more sure I am that I'll tell her.

Liz57:battingeyelashes:

[Robin414]

Interesting insight Liz, never thought about it much but...yes, absolutely she does!

[OCCarly]

My wife loves to shop, loves to collect knick knacks (or chi chi burrichi in her native language) and she loves to shop for jewelry. The funny thing is, she loves the process of shopping more than the actual having of the stuff. She often gives away clothing and jewelry to relatives and sometimes really close friends, and then buys more.

She also loves soft rock bands from the Seventies. I've been to more concerts with her in the past fifteen years than I went to in the Seventies and Eighties when I was young.

But good heavens, I love her, and she puts up with my gender issues and God bless her for it.

[Jennifer0874]

One time my wife broke her kindle. While she was out of town I was able to fix it. To my surprise it was full of gay erotica. I'm talking man on man, not lesbian. She had also downloaded some transgender stories. Since I'm bisexual we were able to incorporate it into our lovemaking.

She also enjoys being the alpha female in our relationship. Truly gets off on it.

[abby054]

You betcha! My wife is into romance novels. It is like porn for GGs or legal crack cocaine for females. She has more than two thousand of them neatly organized in shallow boxes in the back room. She turns them over regularly at used book shops, so the collection is just the tip of the iceberg. Heaven knows how many more are on her iPad / Kindle. Her mother scolded her for this habit for forty years. It affects the relationship and the mind in ways much like porn affects guys.

[NicoleScott]

Same here, Abby. But my wife didn't keep a large collection, she bought them, read them, and traded them for more. She told me that she sometimes read two a day. Once, we were in the same room, she was reading a romance novel, and suddenly shouted an expletive. I said "What?", and saw by her thumb holding her place that she was about 2/3 through the book. "I just realized - I've already read this one". After controlling my laughter I said "I told you they're all the same".
I didn't mind that she read so much, and she tolerated my crossdressing.

[Tracii G]

My ex had a gambling addiction if that falls into this group.

[Jenniferathome]

I think you are quite off base to think that any comparison can be made between cross dressing and some other hobby, unless the SO happens to be a furry or something like that. One could not even remotely compare ANYTHING my wife likes to do with my cross dressing. We're in different universes.

[NicoleScott]

Nobody is comparing your wife's activities to your crossdressing. We are discussing our own situations, and when we say "comparing" we mean similarity, not equivalency.

[Iluvacder]

Hi all, Thought I would add my thought on this. As a SO of a cd,
I Never thought much of any compulsions I may have had( I hate to shop...always a chore for me, grocery,clothes etc.) But, I am finding it strange that now I love to shop for my gurl!!!! Jewelery,stockings, panties,dresses and need I not forget SHOES. lol
One thing I found out with him telling me he crossdresses is that I enjoy shopping for him more than myself

[Liz57]

I wasn't making a comparison so much as just trying to point out that almost everybody has that one thing that they just can't resist doing; as a way of making her understand why I can't resist. Even though cross dressing is far different from reading or shopping, a whole different catagory as far as being out of the norm, if one can't resist doing something, one can't resist.

There are some good points about the reading thing. My wife isn't stuck on the romance novel thing although she sometimes reads them but she reads all of the time. I'm not sure if you could even say it is a compulsive activity for her. Just tossing it through my mind I'm leaning towards making her figure out what her own jones is. That might be a good approach just to get her thinking in that vein anyway.

Liz57:battingeyelashes:

[mykell]

Nobody is comparing your wife's activities to your crossdressing. We are discussing our own situations, and when we say "comparing" we mean similarity, not equivalency.

i agree, this is what i got from the OP.

but jenn since your comment is here ill have to ask, you identify as a normal crossdresser, nothing sexual for yourself, you say you have no female or feminine identity, its just crossdressing, a hobby so to say, a stigmatized one just as a furry perhaps, most of them dont identify as sexual, in fact many here describe this as a hobby that they do....so it does fit the definition as a hobby....an activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure. the plural would be hobbies, bicycling is another for you, yes...

[Teresa]

Liz57,
I'm afraid I had to dig much deeper to find what makes me tick, having the continual feeling of a deep need just had be answered , so I feel like Jennifer that a deep CDing need can't be compared with something my wife might find enjoyable, if slightly compulsive .

I will admit now I enjoy clothes shopping more than my wife, I don't mind pushing the trolley round a supermarket, partly to check out what the GGs are wearing and see if there are special offers on makeup items. Yes I've kept my maid outfits for some fun when cleaning !

Mikell,
I've been very vocal in the past about calling CDing a hobby, I've calmed down some and now accept to some it is a hobby but I've suffered far too much over the years with the implications of CDing to call it such ! I will admit now that I finally am enjoying it simply because I accept the part of me and the needs it has.

[judie]

i had to turn our attic into a sewing room she now has 6 machines and piles of fabric but she does make me nice skirts and dresses so i can't really complain

[Jenniferathome]

So first with respect to the notion of a comparison, using Liz's own words below, it is quite obvious that the underlying action is to make a comparison to cross dressing. Pointing out that one's wife reads a lot of books or knit frequently and then leaving it at that is just absurd.


...It seems that it would be helpful to figure out what that is in respect to them and tactfully bring that to their attention so they understand that compulsions don't necessarily make rhyme nor reason...

Liz57:battingeyelashes:


... jenn since your comment is here ill have to ask, you identify as a normal crossdresser, nothing sexual for yourself, you say you have no female or feminine identity, its just crossdressing, a hobby so to say, a stigmatized one just as a furry perhaps, most of them dont identify as sexual, in fact many here describe this as a hobby that they do....so it does fit the definition as a hobby....an activity done regularly in one's leisure time for pleasure. the plural would be hobbies, bicycling is another for you, yes...

Mikel, I can not call cross dressing a hobby nor would I call biking a hobby. There are sports about which I am passionate. I ride and race because I like the physical challenge, I like the mental challenge of a race, it's a passion. I would classify my surfing, wakeboarding or skiing as hobbies. I enjoy doing them, I'm pretty good at them but they are things I do on occasion. Once upon a time, I played Division I collegiate tennis. I was passionate about tennis for a long, long time. When I couldn't earn living as a pro (I just wasn't good enough), I left it and today it is a hobby. I'll play from time to time but only if asked by friends, I don't seek it out.

So where does cross dressing fit? It is not a hobby nor is it a passion. It just is. I AM a cross dresser. I always have been. I did't choose cross dressing, UNLIKE tennis or biking or surfing. I can't give up cross dressing like I did tennis. I didn't "learn" cross dressing like I did biking or surfing. I didn't choose to have brown eyes nor did I choose to be straight. It just is. Maybe it is a small nuance but to me, it is UNLIKE anything else in my life.

[mykell]

I think you are quite off base to think that any comparison can be made between cross dressing and some other hobby, unless the SO happens to be a furry or something like that. One could not even remotely compare ANYTHING my wife likes to do with my cross dressing. We're in different universes.

i think their are many characteristics in common with crossdressing and hobbies, we collect things....in our case its clothing, shoes, jewelry, makeup.
we educate ourselves about it, learn how to walk, apply makeup, talk more feminine, try to portray a better look, and doesnt one do this with a hobby. collect things and become more educated and proficient...

my favorite expression about hobbies is "you always go in cheap, then the more you learn about them the more you will end up spending on it."

with regards to the "furies or something like that" had me thinking is this a judgmental thing, everyone here knows about being judged and ive never liked it, we may have some crossdressing furies mixed in among us....not sure where you were going with that....



So first with respect to the notion of a comparison, using Liz's own words below, it is quite obvious that the underlying action is to make a comparison to cross dressing. Pointing out that one's wife reads a lot of books or knit frequently and then leaving it at that is just absurd.

Mikel, I can not call cross dressing a hobby nor would I call biking a hobby. There are sports about which I am passionate. I ride and race because I like the physical challenge, I like the mental challenge of a race, it's a passion. I would classify my surfing, wakeboarding or skiing as hobbies. I enjoy doing them, I'm pretty good at them but they are things I do on occasion. Once upon a time, I played Division I collegiate tennis. I was passionate about tennis for a long, long time. When I couldn't earn living as a pro (I just wasn't good enough), I left it and today it is a hobby. I'll play from time to time but only if asked by friends, I don't seek it out.

So where does cross dressing fit? It is not a hobby nor is it a passion. It just is. I AM a cross dresser. I always have been. I did't choose cross dressing, UNLIKE tennis or biking or surfing. I can't give up cross dressing like I did tennis. I didn't "learn" cross dressing like I did biking or surfing. I didn't choose to have brown eyes nor did I choose to be straight. It just is. Maybe it is a small nuance but to me, it is UNLIKE anything else in my life.

you left out some important facts about liz's OP, compulsion was a key word for me, so by pulling one sentence from a few paragraphs could change the intended meaning a little...i re posted it below and corrected the order as she stated in post 7 it was out of order...

jenn adding an adjective to the description of a hobby does not change the fact that it is one, unless you do it professionally and earn a salary from it then it becomes a job....like a football player its theyre job, my wife bowls, she is a bowler but it is a hobbie....she works in an office...

being here for my short time i will tell you if your not trying to be better at this you seam pretty passionate about it, how could you say your not learning, the results speak for themselves through your presentation , my opinion you look quite attractive and im sure may of caught the gleam of an admirer, so i will say yes we are here to learn crossdressing, what i will agree with is the why, "because i am" never seems like a reasonable answer. but its all we got

so unless your wife has no hobbies what so ever then no we cant compare anything she likes to do, but i think it is a safe assumption she may have a least one. some aspects of crossdressing are like hobbies and they have some similarities, also some here identify that it is a hobbie to them. i bet if you ask someone why they like doing a particular hobbie ill bet money a good percentage will say i dunno, i just like too....

liz was only asking for some info from us that she could use to help her ascertain her assessment of a situation....i thought it was a good thought from someone new,

better than another what color are your panties thread....



After reading all sorts of posts about telling your spouse you crossdress and all of their reactions, I started thinking about how for most of us it's just a strong compulsion to dress. And that's what it is, a compulsion. There doesn't seem to be a very good explanation why, we just have to.

I started wondering how ones SO tries to makes sense of that and it dawned on me that they probably have some sort of compulsion of their own, just for something of a different nature. It seems that it would be helpful to figure out what that is in respect to them and tactfully bring that to their attention so they understand that compulsions don't necessarily make rhyme nor reason.

Has anyone else had these thoughts or found this to be the case? What are your thoughts about this? Do they jones for something as well?

Liz57:battingeyelashes:

[Jenniferathome]

you asked, I gave an answer.

[sometimes_miss]

I started wondering how ones SO tries to makes sense of that and it dawned on me that they probably have some sort of compulsion of their own, just for something of a different nature. It seems that it would be helpful to figure out what that is in respect to them and tactfully bring that to their attention so they understand

My ex's response was 'that's completely different', as she was ending the discussion, then walked away. She didn't want any focus on HER; it was always all about how rotten I was. She didn't see anything she did as faults. She had grown up in a family that did things a certain way, and to her, all that was normal, and everything I did was weird. Many people see life this way, that they, themselves are perfectly normal, and everyone else does things incorrectly.


compulsions don't necessarily make rhyme nor reason.
The problem we have here, is that it seems like ocd until you figure out why the desire to do something exists. Far too many people want to dismiss crossdressing as something that has no reason for it. There is; but before we can even begin to figure it out, we have to get past decades of society's pressure that makes us avoid even considering it, because there's such a stigma against it. Way too many of us cannot even face the fact that we have what are commonly considered as female feelings and desires; you see it all the time with the references to 'my female side', or referring to one's self in third person female with a female name, all in an effort to insist that the female behavior 'Isn't the real me', 'I'm a straight male', 'This is just something I do once in a while, it doesn't define who I am'.

But it does define us to everyone else, whether we accept that or not.

It's not easy, maybe it's impossible to overcome the guilt and feelings of responsibility that are drilled into our heads from the moment we as little boys are told that we're men, and we're responsible for EVERYTHING. It's a heavy burden we will feel throughout our lives, and perhaps it's why our culture has endured for so long, because by indoctrinating little boys into this feeling of being responsible, it keeps our societies in order, and safe, because men will dutifully march off into machine gun fire if ordered to do so because they've been trained to believe it's necessary to protect our country. Much the same as indoctrinating little girls into the mindset of becoming mommies by giving them baby dolls to play with as soon as they become self aware, then starting the ideas of having a wedding and husband before they even get into school, so virtually every girl feels the 'push' to get married and have kids.

Life is complicated. Trying to make it simple isn't going to work if we really want to understand things.

[AnnieMac]

Whatsa jones?

[sometimes_miss]

Whatsa jones?

Itsa partner of a smith, like in 'Alias Smith & Jones'. Great funny western from 1970.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

She makes lists. Then she makes lists of her lists. Then she gets stressed because she can never get through the things on the list before it's time to make another list.

I haven't made a list, apart from groceries, since about 1985.

[Jenniferathome]

...my favorite expression about hobbies is "you always go in cheap, then the more you learn about them the more you will end up spending on it."

...with regards to the "furies or something like that" had me thinking is this a judgmental thing, everyone here knows about being judged and ive never liked it, we may have some crossdressing furies mixed in among us....not sure where you were going with that....

Just two comments here: first, I now spend far less on anything related to cross dressing than I did when I was "new" to it. Does that make not a hobby for me? No, cross dressing was never a hobby to begin with.

With regards to the furry comment, I am not well versed in the kink world and furry was the only thing I could think of as weird as cross dressing. It was simply an illustrative.


... being here for my short time i will tell you if your not trying to be better at this you seam pretty passionate about it, how could you say your not learning, the results speak for themselves through your presentation ....

Repetition always makes for improvement. And I also believe that anything worth doing is worth doing well. But I can state with complete candor that cross dressing is neither a hobby nor a passion, FOR ME. The difference may be subtle and heavily nuanced, but it IS different...FOR ME.

[Liz57]

Actually, I was referring to 'jones' as in an addiction. That's how I've heard it used back in the day. He was jonesing for some cocaine or whatever. Does anyone remember the song "I've got a basketball jones"? I thought it was kind of corny but that's the kind of jones I was shooting for.

So, the wife has gone off for the weekend and I have the house to myself! I did something today that I doubt I would have done a few weeks ago before joining this forum, you're giving me courage gurls. I wore a bra under my tee shirt while working on my car, then drove in it to take recycle and then walked the dog around the neighborhood. My tee shirt was pretty loose on me so no one could tell unless up close and looking hard. Usually, I wouldn't wear a bra in public unless I had on a flannel shirt or jacket over another shirt so it definitely couldn't show. I live in sunny Florida so jackets etc. aren't normal wear for very much of the time. Leg shaving will also be a problem (I really want to try that) because of shorts season. My point, I'm getting up the nerve to be more brave. Thinking of driving around dressed tonight maybe.

I think I've already convinced myself to tell my wife and it feels exciting just thinking about it. Pink Fog? Scary too, though. I knew she was going off for a few days and I had been gone and then home briefly before going to work and working so we haven't had much time together. I didn't think it would be good to tell her and then not have much time together right after that where I'd be here to answer questions or whatever. I don't want her to be preoccupied with thoughts about this when she should be enjoying spending time with our kids and grandkids. I'll wait a little longer. I've been cross dressing for about 40 years now and not told anyone, a few days or weeks more shouldn't kill me.

It seems my post stirred up a little controversy but hey, it's a forum right! I was just wondering if my thoughts on compulsions sounded reasonable or if anybody had used that angle, I got plenty to think about.

Thanks, gurls.
Liz57:battingeyelashes:

[Shayna]

So first with respect to the notion of a comparison, using Liz's own words below, it is quite obvious that the underlying action is to make a comparison to cross dressing. Pointing out that one's wife reads a lot of books or knit frequently and then leaving it at that is just absurd.





Mikel, I can not call cross dressing a hobby nor would I call biking a hobby. There are sports about which I am passionate. I ride and race because I like the physical challenge, I like the mental challenge of a race, it's a passion. I would classify my surfing, wakeboarding or skiing as hobbies. I enjoy doing them, I'm pretty good at them but they are things I do on occasion. Once upon a time, I played Division I collegiate tennis. I was passionate about tennis for a long, long time. When I couldn't earn living as a pro (I just wasn't good enough), I left it and today it is a hobby. I'll play from time to time but only if asked by friends, I don't seek it out.

So where does cross dressing fit? It is not a hobby nor is it a passion. It just is. I AM a cross dresser. I always have been. I did't choose cross dressing, UNLIKE tennis or biking or surfing. I can't give up cross dressing like I did tennis. I didn't "learn" cross dressing like I did biking or surfing. I didn't choose to have brown eyes nor did I choose to be straight. It just is. Maybe it is a small nuance but to me, it is UNLIKE anything else in my life.

I pretty much agree with Jennifer here. My wife liking to knit, read, buy purses, etc is more similar to me playing guitar than to me crossdressing… and I have way too many guitars so I guess I have a guitar jones as well.

But reading or knitting isn't outside of what society considers a typical hobby or activity. Crossdressing , for most of us, seems to be part of who we are and not just another activity. That's actually why I feel the furry comment is appropriate. It's a strong compulsion to do something outside of societal norms. That's not meant to be an insult, just a statement of fact into how society in general looks at things. If my wife had a compulsion to dress as a man, a police officer (or any uniformed profession, a child, etc., then I could see the comparison of her tendencies to mine.

[AnnieMac]

Oooooh, like "I am really jonesing for an Oreo cookie, man!"

[mykell]

I think you are quite off base to think that any comparison can be made between cross dressing and some other hobby, unless the SO happens to be a furry or something like that. One could not even remotely compare ANYTHING my wife likes to do with my cross dressing. We're in different universes.

first ill assume we all agree that crossdressing is outside of what society considers a typical hobby or activity.

jennifer, this was your original quote, it calls liz as "off base", then the comment about your wife not doing anything comparable to crossdressing.....

i showed some examples of similarities to crossdressing and assumed your wife has at least one hobby....it was not all about your crossdressing but i did use your quotes because after i agreed with nicole i asked you the question about your crossdressing, i asked you because we have history and i know you identify as what you describe as a normal crossdresser, no fem feelings ect., others that responded do not identify that way and i am aware of that also, that was why i asked that and why i also added the cycling as i know your an avid cyclist. you used the term hobbies....

then i responded to your answer, it was my attempt to show many similarities that crossdressing in general have with hobbies, more than i thought as i started typing, and again some here do identify that way, so what i really hoped is that i put in enough info that you could see some aspects of CDing are like hobbies, or at least enough nuances to use to compare with one of your wifes hobbies, liz asked a pretty creative post about compulsions not hobbies and you could see the point she made and we all responded to....guess i get an big ol fat F on that. and this thread was not about hobbies.

back to the thread,

AnnieMac, somehow im picturing a bong somewhere,

but your post did cause me to think about this, and i hope no one will be offended by this, but when my wife was pregnant she had cravings that she normally didnt have, again similar to compulsion and not an equivalency.

my participation here in this thread also had me realize i have a compulsive act, many times when entering the house i will check the mailbox, sometimes even after i already received the mail that day, so i dont believe it is that off base that we could see that behavior in a SO especially after we see a simple example in our self.

obsession was another term that came to mind, an obsessive love for something, or a passion, sometimes we dont even recognize these traits in ourselves let alone a mate,
so in my opinion some comparisons could be made and used to help explain our urge to do what we do....and if it helps them understand just a little bit more would it be a bad thing.



Liz you seem to have made a decision to move forward with regards to sharing with your wife,
i hope it goes well and like i said earlier read some more.
if you use some of the similarities of your or your wife's behaviors as examples is up to you.

here is an overlooked thread about it.
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

[Liz57]

Mikell, thanks so much for your insightful and informative response. As you said, keep reading and thinking about all aspects and I have been. It's almost all I've been thinking about. The link to Marlas article is exactly what I needed. I've been thinking of writing it all down to make sure I covered everything I wanted and in the right order. I'm not very good at expressing myself verbally and always forget how I want to say something. At the least I thought to make a list to get it all right. It seems it would be best to go about it as Marla suggests and then let my wife even read Marlas article and have links for other articles ready if she was interested.

A few weeks ago I hadn't even considered doing this but I am almost anxious to do so now. Nervous too, though. I feel almost as certain as one could be that this will come out fine (no pun intended) and that she already knows anyway. She caught me we very visible bra strap marks before and a few times she has said or done things that made me think she knows. She loves the movie Bird Cage and I wonder if that's a hint too.

What's killing me now is I had been away and now she's up at our other house. I will go up there Monday night and be with her, kids and grandkids will visit Tuesday and then she has to come back to our other house for work and I will stay up there until Thursday. Then I work night shift so I barely see her until I get up Saturday noon. I really feel it best to wait until we have some private time together like for a weekend. For some reason after all of these years in the closet now I feel I can't wait to get out and yet I need to be patient a little longer. I get excited at the thought of telling her. Maybe that's just Liz anxious to be noticed or whatever.

Again, thanks to all of you for your support

Liz57:battingeyelashes:

[mykell]

hi liz, i made the assumption that my wife had some knowledge of my passion for fashion, dead wrong about that, this was the hardest thing i even did in my life,
it turned out well, for two weeks i swore it was over. i felt like i hit her with a ton of bricks. i made that list and fumbled it up.

as far as the birdcage thing, its acting, portrayals from actors she may identify with, when it is you it is reality, much different, some women cant get past that, you dont see many stories of it here because who wants to share the end of theyre marriage.

with regards to the material you wish her to read, you may want to print it out and have it on hand, give her time to absorb the info.

there is another thread with a member deciding to tell, these types of threads usually get fairly opinionated so you have to take the advise from where its coming from, members of an open forum, not folks with a marriage counseling background, so do what your heart tells you is best for you....in that other one is a link to a fairly toxic and opinionated one.

if you choose to tell i suggest typing your plan and printing it as a back up if you stumble on the words as it can get quite emotional, i also picked a Sat. morning to tell so she had time to cope before her stress of the workweek started again, as opposed to tue. night say. if you choose not to another suggestion is a letter, i have several with my things, one for my wife, apologies and reassurances of my fidelity for closure, one for my son, explanations and apologies and reassurances for my faithfulness to his mom.

hope this may have helped you in some way, good luck with your choice and may you have a favorable outcome whichever choice you make....

sorry if i made some waves in the thread, people have a bad habit of not reading the original post, sometimes responding to others comments who also did not read the original....