Turmoil at wanting to tell but anxiety at the consequences .. Your advice please

[Abbey11]

Hi Ladies,
I'd like to get your advice and input please
Having recently had some Abbey time and going out dressed both during the day and clubbing I now have more of a desire to tell my SO, this may just be the pink fog and settle over time, but the desire is stronger than ever.

I recently posted my background, repeated here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?236358-Why-lie-to-your-SO-wife&p=3887996&viewfull=1#post3887996)

Recently I've been taking more care of myself including daily facial routine which I discussed with SO and now have plenty of creams, serums, moisturisers etc which we share

From this description do you think I'd be in a reasonable place for opening up to my SO that the interest in femininity has blossomed?

Sorry for the ramble
Hugs
Abbey x

[Mykaa]

HI Abbey, One thing I definitely can answer positively for you is your among friends here, I understand and relate to your need/ want on shoes and clothes, I know what I can wear to keep my urges at bay, hehe. I do own dresses lingerie of all types, foundation garments, you name it. I know Ive recently accepted myself and Im happier than Ive been in years. I dress at least partially every day now, To quote a TV character Nikita, "The secret to feeling good is looking good", I agree totally.
I also know as Ive realized recently part of my urge to dress is that I feel good when Im dressed and it relaxes me also.
I think as far as your SO goes being gentle and I think shes going to need a lot of reassuring from you that you need and love her, dont hide or lie. Ive made a lot of mistakes and theres a lot of good info on this forum to find and read.
Things take time, Im sure you realize. I wish you best of luck in your journey.
I know Ive found being here 1 of the Best things to happen to me in a long time, just being able to be open and know Im not alone has been a real eye opener.

[Abbey11]

Thank you Mykaa, I do love this site. I just wanted to get my own background out there so could get yours and others insights

[Teresa]

Abbey,
I know you don't state your age but as you have teenage kids I can roughly guess your age, the reason why I query this is many of us hit the forties and find a need to come out.
The way you describe things your wife knows about aspects of your CDing, when I came out to my wife she didn't have a clue.
At some point soon I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and tell her the facts that is assuming of course you know exactly what your CDing is about. If you don't then try and work it out first, how it started, how it's progressed and what you may finally need in the future . Write it all down and if you need more information check the forum and other online sites to get it clear in your head, I will add it's taken me far to long to find my answers and now in my sixties catching up isn't going to fully happen.
When you go down this road you have to be honest with yourself and accept that CDing is part of you, nothing is going to stop it or take it away, it's for life, you eventually have to integrate into your life and find acceptance from others.
Obviously if and when you do finally talk fully with your wife she will have the basic questions , are you gay and do you want to be a woman. I can answer no to the first but the second I can make no promises , I know I was born with a female trait and it's caused a conflict with my male side most of my life, I accept I'm TG and have GD problems but counselling has helped to understand that and come to terms with it, my wife refused to attend sessions with me so I've had to write all that down to try and explain it to her.
I would say my situation is as good as it gets, my wife and children ( both in their thirties now ) know , my wife knows where my things are and now I attend social evenings, she accepts part of me is female and has needs which are accepted/tolerated. She's happy that I can still be husband, father and now grandfather , separation came close but we both realised we had too much to lose and walk away from.
Abbey at some point the talking has to happen , I wish you all the best and hope it's not the rollercoaster ride I experienced !

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It's a gamble Abbey. Your wife has been cautiously accommodating up to now, because your requests have been rare and not extreme. Suddenly hit her with 'Abbey' and she might come off the rails.


To quote a TV character Nikita, "The secret to feeling good is looking good"

I disagree completely. Any number of gorgeous women have anorexia, or are deeply insecure. People who feel genuinely good about themselves rarely bother much about their appearance. Indeed I'd say that a person who spends hours in front of the mirror every day and spends fortunes on make up and clothing probably suffers from low self esteem. Of course in Hollywood appearances are everything, unless you're Bob or Harvey Weinstein, who are so rich and powerful that they can get away with being obese.

[mykell]

i think this quote will sum it up a bit better,
"life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what your going to get"

ive told my wife, it started at a DADT, i had my reasons for doing it, my death was my thought and what would she think if she found my "stuff", i had your passion for heels and did not ask to have my own, but i had several, she has not seen me as far as i know, just had an incident where she was in the office with me talking and i touched the keypad instinctively and their was my profile on the browser page :facepalm: nothing came of it.

its been two + years, CDing was my only "shortcoming" for lack of a better term of my male self, that and perhaps my temper, but since the reveal it has been in check....

so you do have to look deep into what you what and what your worst case scenario or outcome may be and how you will deal with that, if she takes it better than what your worst case expectations were its good....

now back to browser incident, had i not been out to her im sure that an ugly exchange would have surely ensued, another layer for you to think about!! she knows im here on the forum.

these types of threads usually get fairly opinionated so you have to take the advise from where its coming from, members of an open forum, not folks with a marriage counseling background, so do what your heart tells you is best for you....

if you choose to tell i suggest typing your plan and printing it as a back up if you stumble on the words as it can get quite emotional, i also picked a Sat. morning to tell so she had time to cope before her stress of the workweek started again, as opposed to tue. night say. if you choose not to another suggestion is a letter, i have several with my things, one for my wife, apologies and reassurances of my fidelity for closure, one for my son, explanations and apologies and reassurances for my faithfulness to his mom.

hope this may have helped you in some way, good luck with your choice and may you have a favorable outcome whichever choice you make....

[rebecca_ns]

I told my wife because the time was right for me. This was something I had to do for the good of my soul. There is no right way, or some magical guide on how to tell your SO. For lack of a better analogy you just have to go with the flow. Just be honest. If nothing else, be honest with her, even if it means putting yourself out there in the line of fire.

[Launa]

Hi Abbey, here's what you do have going for you right now, its the best start and that is she knows there is something in you that is very fond of heels and possibly a little more.
The classic CD, TG mistake you did is not be ready when she asks, "is there more to this story than a couple pairs of heels?" CD folks wind up saying, "oh no not at all, this is everything I need. Just a couple pairs of heels and panties dear." Opportunity is right THERE and we didn't act on it! We need to be ready for these questions and need to give the answers we and THEY want us to give or else it will come back to haunt you later. Now back to your disposition here I say you are off to a great start because she knows something is a little odd here. Another words to your question I say yes open up she won't be completely landblasted if you decide to tell everything! I think the answer you might be seeking as to where it will go from here once she is told is anybody's best guess.
Just like the economists that predict the swings in the economy. Everybody can speculate the outcomes but there are so many end results and final destinations for each one of us. One day I will do a flow chart on this site and have everybody fill in the boxes on where it all goes in the end.
Back to your situation if I could give you any advice that is if you talk about this don't hold back on what needs to be said otherwise you'll kick your ass later.

It says at the end of your post Sorry for the ramble. I say don't be sorry we are here to thank you on coming out to explain your situation and talk. So thank you for your post!

[MsVal]

There are several approaches. Each has its proponents, and none of the proponents endorse all the other approaches. Each of the approaches has been discussed at length in this forum. Researching it can be confusing, overwhelming, and extremely valuable.

You alone will have to do what you believe is right, or perhaps "least wrong".

I used to be an evangelist for the Early, Honest, and Complete disclosure.
- Early to minimize the risk of you or your stuff being inadvertently discovered.
- Honest to diffuse any suspicion that you are sneaky at best or lying at worst.
- Complete to control the message so that your spouse/girlfriend/SO doesn't learn things from an untrustworthy source.

I still believe it is a valuable technique though I have learned that it is not always the wisest choice in every case.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Jenniferathome]

Abby, I am a big advocate of telling one's wife/SO. I think we all reach a point where telling is easier than hiding. How I told my wife is in my signature. The ONLY question upon which you need reflect is, how strong is your relationship? Be objective. If your foundation is strong, ANY relationship can overcome this revelation. That is not to state she will be in love with it, but that you will be together.

best of luck

[TrishaLake]

I am also big on telling as I hid it for years and when she found out she wasn't so much mad but hurt. Lying is never good, I know some of us have to or have other reasons, but If you think you can tell you need to formulate a plan. I would see a therapist or someone to help you , help her understand. It is better to do this un a controlled enviroment with professionals if you can both afford it and convince her to go. I wish I had done it this way. We both see the same therapist now together and separately and it has been the best thing I have have veer done. I wish you luck.!

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Abbey

No one can really tell you if this is the right thing to do or the right time.

If you do decide to tell her ,you may want to read the link in my signature on "how to tell your Partner". It has some useful advice, and was written by a GG member here.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Abbey, this is a tough decision. I was married for 11 years and did not dress in that entire time, except for 2 bedroom playtimes when I donned her thigh high stockings. Finally I admitted to her that I absolutely loved pantyhose and wanted a pair of my own. That same day she accompanied me to purchase some.

As many here have said, it may not be the best idea to let the truth dribble out, but an incremental approach worked for me. After I had my pantyhose, I had to shave my legs, because they just don't look right with hairy legs. She agreed with that logic. Smooth, shaved legs in pantyhose look better in heels, and since hers didn't fit me, that was the next logical step. Of course, legs in heels and hose were meant for skirts and dresses. You get the picture.

I really wish you the best, and hope it works out!

Gretchen

[Stephanie47]

Dear Abbey, The question almost begs to be submitted to the columnist. "Should I come clean and tell my wife I love to wear women's clothing?" In the Wednesday March 16th edition of The News Tribune Dear Abby's column was headed "Boyfriend's Underwear choice causes concern." The last sentence in her response is "Also, some men who enjoy cross-dressing have successful marriages to women who aren't threatened by it and who help them do it." The first thing my wife reads in the newspaper every morning with her cup of tea is "Dear Abby." Coincidentally my wife was leaving that day to spend a week visiting her cousin. Now. if that wasn't a clue as to what I may be doing, and, in fact I am doing for a week, I don't know what would be.

I read the post on the link. Of you have been married for any length of time, you can readily expect she knows. You've progressed to day tripping and clubbing and she has no inkling of your desires. I am going to wager she knows and she is waiting for you to "come clean." Not just washing your hands clean, but, clean as when a mother tells her son to make sure he washes behind the ears, too!

I don't know whether you will take any of the advice thrown out there for you to consider. Only you know your wife, her values, how strong your marriage is. Maybe your wife has read the "Dear Abby" column.

Me? Well, about thirty-five years ago my wife and I had "the talk." There were signs which may have suggested there was more to my desire to wear nightgowns and hosiery to bed sometimes. I progressed to buying some slips and panties. The vivid red Vanity Fair bra drove the train off the tracks. "Why would a man wear a bra when he has nothing to stuff into it?" Good question. I still don't know the answer. I know what cross-dressing brings to me; serenity and stress relief, but, "Why not illegal drugs or alcohol?"

So, it has been DADT since then. On occasion there has been a brief word or two, but, nothing condescending. She is past that. I know she does not appreciate this small kink in her man. Would I like to share this side of me with her? Yes, I definitely would because it is a part of me core. By not acknowledging it, she is like the ostrich. Stick your head in the ground and you cannot see anything. I have strong suspicions as to what has made her insecure about my cross-dressing, but, she will not talk about her issues.

If your marriage is strong enough you may want to consider "coming clean" with your wife. You and her may have already established the boundaries of cross-dressing in a marriage, but, you have not realized it yet. Good luck.

[Sandra]

GG chiming in :)

If you do tell her everything then please be honest with her and do tell her everything, if you don't and more comes out later then she will want to know why you didn't say something before. When you start ask her to let you finish then let her have her say, listen to her worries, concerns and answer her questions as honestly as you don't give an answer because you think it's what she might want to hear.

[rachelatshop]

Hi Abbey, I can't disagree with any of the fine advice that the members have posted here. All I can say is that each of us travel on a different road, and before I came out to my wife after having been married for 20 plus years and not dressing for 18yrs. I need to go on my own quest to learn exactly what my cross dressing meant to me. I had to examine my total history of dressing. I had to do a lot of research, and what I found was that, my gender identity is always male, no matter how I am dressed, and the female clothes to me are little more than a custom that I am addicted to wearing and feeling on my body. The cross dressing had no emotional attachment for me, only a physical attachment to the feeling of wearing the cloths. Each of us travel a similar road to get to different end points. You need to do your own own research and go on your own quest to find your own answers, because you will surely need all of the answers before you talk to your wife. Even then she will likely ask the question you least expect.

[reb.femme]

Hi Abbey,

My old caveat here is, consider the worst case scenario and whether you can live with that or not. If you decide to tell, as others have said above, write out what and how you will deliver this message, as per Shelley's or Jenniferathome's letters. I used Jennifer's, altered into my own form of language and rehearsed it until I knew it by heart.

Then as per Sandra's response, extreme honesty in relation to all questions.

I hope with all sincerity that if you decide to tell her, you get a happy ending. :)

Becky

[sometimes_miss]

From your other post

she came clean about how it made her feel and it wasn't good!!

Well, Abbey, you've been here for a few years, and you already know the answers, as there are plenty of other threads about this. It looks like you're just looking for support to go ahead, I won't go on in length. Briefly; After the initial shock, my ex wife was borderline accepting when we went to a marriage counselor but like yours, wasn't thrilled with the idea, and let me know that had she known before marriage, she never would have married me. It eventually became too much for her, she got very angry, blackmailed me for everything or she would out me to the world, and we divorced. So, as long as you've prepared for the worst possible outcome, it's perfectly OK to continue your travel deeper into the pink fog. You will find several GG's here, as well as guys who will tell you about the positive responses and how well their wives stayed with them. That, out of the twenty something thousand members over the years. The odds aren't good, it's still sort of like winning a lottery to have a wife that is OK with a crossdressing husband. Prepare carefully.

Good luck. You're going to need it.

[Judy-Somthing]

Well after being in the closet for over thirty five years I found this sight.

It made me feel better about myself. So I told my SO that I thought it would be fun to wear a dress.

She said "what the hell are you saying, are you gay, are you a cross-dresser, do you have a hidden stash of woman's clothes?
She said she feels like she got hit by a BUS.

Now two months later we seem to be back to normal with me back in the closet.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Abbey:hugs:, Before you make any rash decisions see the last line in my signature. :daydreaming:

[Sarah Louise]

Hi Abbey,

It's a tough one isn't it. Telling her is a life changing gamble and you'll have to live with the consequences - good or bad.

As you know I told my wife a few weeks ago. Like you, I struggled whether or not to tell. In the end, for me, I didn't want to live a lie for the rest of my life and felt I should come clean. I had decided that I would even prefer a DADT situation rather than continuing to live a lie. But I also believed that it was much more likely than not that I would get acceptance on some level. This was based on the fact that our marriage was (and still is) strong, my wife is generally liberal-minded and we love each other very much. Fortunately, after her initial shock she has accepted that this is part of me and our marriage is none the worse for it. In many ways it's better.

Of course, my experience isn't a prediction of what you will experience if you tell your SO.

You mention that it could be Pink Fog that's bringing on the strong desire to tell. This was the case with me as it was the high of a make-over / dressing session that finally triggered me to tell. Fortunately, I had rehearsed many times how I would handle telling. If you decide to tell, make sure you know what you're going to say and be honest in answering her questions. Afterwards, keep the dialogue open and make sure you're still the loving partner you've always been.

Remember, it's your decision so weigh it up carefully. Whatever you do, good luck!

Sarah

[heatherdress]

Abbey - If you think you should tell her, you should tell her. As others have pointed out, there are risks and consequences. Hopefully, she will be understanding and disclosure may even increase your intimacy and love for each other.

But what are you going to tell her? You have an increasing desire and budding feminine interests. It's appropriate to tell her you "don't know" if she asks where this journey will take you, but you have to be prepared to address all her fears in an assuring, honest, comforting way. You also have some children concerns to address with her. Good luck.

[Tanya+]

I'd start by questioning your motives and what is most important. Do you love her, do her fears and anxieties matter? Her fear for her reputation, your relationship, the future, your kids and their lives, her fears of losing you, her fear for you? What is dressing for you? is it identity, foreplay, self soothing? Can they understand? Is there any part of you that needs to precipitate a catastrophe? and could it be done any better? What would it cost you either way, and how do you weight those costs?


Going clubbing en femme, in secret.. 'Should i tell my SO or is it just the pink fog?' Sounds like you stopped caring a while a go or maybe your femme side has a little maturing to do?


A counsellor might be a good sounding board to draw out what you need to say, how it might be heard and how to have skilful compassion for yourself SO and kids. Facing a break up honestly is probably the best way to go rather than engineering an excuse to claim victim status. (Apologies if i found too much between the lines).

Tan+

[Abbey11]

Hi Ladies,
Just to say a big thanks for your responses to my situation, I know it's quite a common occurrence and that there are many threads on the subject, however it is nice to get responses to ones personal situation.
I will be doing a lot of back ground reading and prep before I make any decisions on the best course of action. As a partnership myself and my SO have a very solid foundation.
Hugs
Abbey

[PaulaQ]

If your foundation is strong, ANY relationship can overcome this revelation. That is not to state she will be in love with it, but that you will be together.


I am going to have to respectfully disagree with this. My relationship was rock solid. My wife and I had been married 18 years by the time we divorced after I'd come out to her as trans. Our relationship was the one EVERYONE, including us, expected to survive forever. We had weathered many crises during our marriage. We knew how to solve problems together and how to communicate.

And when I came out to her, my marriage effectively ended that day. (The story is documented here, in various threads, including one entitled "Out.") Oh, we hung in there four more months before she threw me out, but it was pretty much inevitable the day I came out to her. I believe the outcome would've been the same even if I'd just been a CD. Oh, we might have stayed together longer, but I think in the end, it would've ended because she wouldn't have tolerated that either. I'd done less than many on this forum as a CD when I came out to her. Just shaving my body made her unable to touch me.

My ex-wife is a highly liberal woman, and if I'd been a good friend of hers, rather than her spouse, she'd have been supportive.

There were a couple of clues I didn't appreciate at the time that would've given me a better idea about the outcome:
1. My ex has pretty rigid ideas about gender and gender roles. She may be liberal. And she may have been a same sex marriage proponent. But men need to be men, and women need to be women, in her mind.
2. (And this was the most significant) my ex-wife, and indeed many other people, doesn't have an absolute sense of who she is as a person. She defined herself, in many ways, with respect to me. I was her rock, her lighthouse - I kept things stable when she was emotionally rocky. When she felt my identity change, she had absolutely no idea how to react, nor who she really was anymore in many respects. In fact, three years later, I don't believe she really knows who she is. I had the unhappy circumstance of talking to her this weekend, and she told me about her grief over the loss of her spouse - me - and how she keeps looking for signs of him. I really ought to write a thread about his, but she is doing everything she possibly can, in my opinion, to make sure she has nothing to show for our time together materially, and will probably have a pretty miserable life from here on out. I'll be blamed for this, and I feel really badly for her, but I'm not actually the architect of all her woes. She is.

Your post about how your wife reacted to your desire to own some high heels raises red flags to me.

All that said, I still think coming out is the right thing to do for a variety of reasons. Hiding a part of who you are (or in my case, all of who I was), is no way to be in a relationship. Yes, this may end your relationship. But at the end of the day, if a relationship can't withstand the truth, it probably isn't a very healthy relationship in the long run for anyone involved.

I'll also tell you that since you are "just a CD", your odds of keeping your marriage are a lot better than mine were. Most marriages involving transition fail - although not all of them do. I will also caution you that while "keeping the marriage together" is a good goal, not all the marriages I've observed post reveal have been very healthy for anyone involved in them, as best I could tell from the outside. (I do support for local trans people. I have seen some really, really horrible situations where the marriage ended up staying together.)

I've also seen marriages stay together, even through a transition, that are apparently VERY GOOD marriages for all involved. The types of things that seem to help:
1. Sure, you need a strong foundation to start with. If your marriage sucks, this'll probably end it. This just isn't sufficient, unfortunately.
2. It helps if your spouse has a VERY strong sense of self and a VERY strong identity. If they define themselves in terms of you, and you change in their perception, it's likely to be trouble.
3. It helps if your spouse's sexuality / sexual orientation won't be threatened. For example, women who are bisexual or asexual often deal with a gender variant partner more easily, because their own sexual identity isn't threatened by a change. (This isn't mandatory - I know monosexual people who stay in relationships with a gender variant person, it's just harder for them.)
4. It helps if your spouse's love for you isn't contingent on your gender - i.e. "They are the person I love", as opposed to "He's the man I love."

Anyway, I hate to cast doubt, and I don't want to discourage you from coming out - I think being honest and open with people we love is crucial. But the truth is, you aren't going to know how she's going to react until you tell her, because the odds are this is going to force her to deal with a bunch of feelings and issues she's never had to consider at any point in her life, and so how she will deal with them is unpredictable. In my opinion, the deciding factor in how your spouse will react involves MUCH more about her, and who she is as a person, than the strength of your relationship.

[ReineD]

If you want to go out and you do not want to go behind your wife's back, then you'll have to tell.

It's easier not to tell when your desires are occasional and not as strong, in fact one can argue there is no need to tell if you can take it or leave it, which by your accounts you were able to do for years. The need to tell increases with increased need to present as a woman and go out. If you don't tell you will feel frustrated about not being able to go out fully dressed.

That said, wives place husbands who dress in basically two categories: those whose aim it is to live full time as women, and those who only want to dress occasionally and are otherwise happy being men.

There are some, but few wives who are able to stay with a husband who is no longer happy being male. There are more wives who can live with it as long as it is crossdressing and the husband still wants to fundamentally preserve his gender within the marriage, at work, and during the activities that the couple engage in together like office parties, family activities, outings with friends, etc.

So fundamentally it boils down to what you want to do. If you want to go out regularly, it will be difficult to not tell your wife, unless you want to sneak around. If going out occasionally is all you want to do (if you do not want to become a woman), there are greater chances your wife will be able to take this in than if you begin to see yourself as a woman. This doesn't mean it won't be difficult to get there, your wife will need time to redefine you from a man who does not fully crossdress to one who does, but many wives do become OK with it once they realize that dressing occasionally will not lead to their husbands no longer wanting to be men.

[mykell]

hi abbey,
this reminded me of one of my wife's chief concerns.....have you left the house dressed, neighbors seeing me of coarse change the dynamics of interaction, how they may treat her, how they feel about her, now they talk about her....after the reveal it will be about her, so when mine asked i was able to say no....ive never left the house dressed and unfortunately its still true today,(doing your makeup in the car sucks) but i am able to go out after my stint of DADT, so dont be afraid to offer her that option for her to become acclimated to all that she will be absorbing after that talk. .....As of today we still keep it private between us but

iv revisited my DADT with the help of advise from Reine, i go to support meetings, ive started my own group, ive been out shopping, i have friends here that i talk to on the phone (hoping to meet some here real soon) we had our first fight before the christmas holiday and their is that extra layer that may "break the camels back" but we talked again and addressed our fears....just wanted to add this info after keeping up with the thread....so its fluid kinda like us, an ebb and flow of feelings....

[Tina_gm]

I am quite sure she already suspects there is more. If you have hidden things, or think you are clever enough to hide it on your computer, if she isn't savvy enough to yank it out of there, she will likely find someone who is. Or maybe she is just doing the burying her head in the sand thing because she does not want to know. And hopes whatever you do stays hidden.

I think though that ultimately, she is waiting for you to come clean with all of it. It might not be what she wants to hear, but it won't be a total shock either. Cis gender guys simply do not get the desire to have and wear high heels. I would definitely have the talk with her, because the limbo state you are in will ultimately lead to problems. How to do it, lots of ways, but among the many good ways to do so, it is important to find one that suits your relationship.

About the things that generally you shouldn't do, basically hitting them so hard, unexpected and unprepared by just showing up completely dressed. Probably not a good idea to open it up during big holidays, or her birthday, or some other day that is a big day for her.