Coming Out at work. Question

[Barbara Dugan]

I've been on HRT since last December,my original plan was to hold coming out at work for at least a year ,but changes are starting to became too obvious and the loss of strength is another issue to consider.. What are I really don't know is to who come out first ? My coworkers, immediate supervisor or the HR department,
I have very good relationship with all of them...any suggestions or advice.

[Angela Campbell]

Hr first. They can help control the message. Co workers last after a plan is worked out with hr.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Barbara;

Here was my approach...

I approached HR to see if there was a Trans Advocacy team that would provide someone as a guide is a less formal capacity to help chart my path. Which there was; a fellow MTF who'd transitioned some 16+ years prior. She was helpful and we met a few times well in advance of me doing anything within the work environment.

Know your friends at work and have 1 or 2 as guides and ears. Third; big one for me... make your list. This will be the list of who you feel the need to give them heads up ahead of time in either a 1:1 session F2F or on a call. I choose 1:1 for most and that list was quite long (and included some front line managers who I needed on board from a staffing perspective).

Choose these people well and approach them on a confidence basis and give them notice when your public unveiling will be so they are aware. This builds momentum and a foundation of support organizationally. This took ~3 months to complete. Going into these disclosures have your letter to the organization already prepared, reviewed, reviewed again. Be comfortable with what you're communicating; educate but be personal and humble at the same time. A bit of empathy developed by the reader in reading your disclosure will also help acceptance (Ive seen a few letters that have been quite combative and they wonder why they've not been accepted in the end).

Obviously your manager should be close to the top but not necessarily first. HR should be alerted prior to getting started and this conversation would be more on an official capacity. Sort out who's going to take the lead. HR may want to themselves as every organization is different. My HR team gave me the option. Once I had an idea as to how they'd approach it it was clear they'd not have the level of touch and reach I'd need to do what needed to be done so I took ownership with their oversight (I simply kept them in the loop). I'm not sure how big a team you need to disclose too but mine was World Wide and a very large organization (7000+ in my direct line and my letter went to 1/5 of the organization 20K'ish people).

It took several months to let people know 1:1 before hitting the send button on my note and that included an early coming out party as such F2F with my direct team in Vegas right before so they'd have met Jennifer ahead of time.

Be ready emotionally. Disclosure to the initial close folks is nerve wracking. Disclosure to those who should know ahead is mentally hard having the same conversation over and over; however, I was blessed with many really good stories of experiences they had within their own personal lives with Trans people which shocked me. The day of the button hitting - MIND BLOWING PERIOD. The number of responses back that went beyond simple support and congrats was overwhelming. My recommendation.. do it on a late Thursday afternoon and lay low on Friday. If you have a good picture of yourself include this in the Disclosure letter; I didn't but I did change my avatar to me name change that happened concurrently (why you need to work with HR). Leaving people with an Image helps them bridge the Before and After and not let their minds run to crazy assumptive places. Your latest picture will definitely do just fine :)

If you want to connect for additional details and guidance PM me or message me on FB as I'm happy to connect, bounce ideas off of, or be a second impartial set of eyes.

My goal was to make my coming out essentially a non event with no impact to the business in the end. Handle as much as possible and consider all angles ahead as best possible. That's just how it went. No question a surprise to many, equally no surprise to many, but essentially a non disruptive event. Mind you from a personal perspective it was stressful to put all this in place and continue my "day job"; do a bit of flying to tell people, and quite a few sleepless nights of concern and worry. It does pay off in the end.

Coming out at work is a big step particularly in a large organization if you are highly visible but I think these steps work equally for a smaller organization as well.

Best to you. Happy to connect.

Cheers... Jennifer

[chelyann]

first what are their policies on this? then HR and make a plan with HR to tell the group.
good luck , hope all goes well

[LeaP]

My experience is similar to Jennifer's. Only a select few know, but they were carefully selected. First was the executive sponsor of the company LGBT Employee Resource Group. The divisional HR lead was next, but that came about only because of concerns I had about a mandatory participation event (thinking t-shirts, locker rooms, etc.). Next the company's Social Responsibility manager. Four, the executive manager of HR. Finally, the company's executive risk and compliance manager (also designated as the corporate Diversity Champion). The last two are also on the company's board.

My current manager will be the LAST to know. I'm aggressively looking for a transfer out of the division. The company is generally hospitable and tolerant - this division would be ... Challenging.

People saying "congratulations" surprises me every time. I'm not even sure they know why they say it.

Depends on the company, of course, but as I would be the first transition, getting support at the top is CRITICAL (hence the board contacts). Tone and expectations have to be set through the management team. That at least gives you a fighting chance to cut through some of the BS. The way I described the situation to the leadership was that it needed focus at that level as it was an "emerging diversity area. That the company has great intentions, but no experience."

I think the message that has to be firmly planted is that gender ID discrimination IS SEX DISCRIMINATION. ... And not like it, or a variation of it, either. This is now nailed down in the US by an EEOC ruling to that effect on Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, an agency position that is also buttressed by a number of court cases. (It doesn't hurt that the risk & compliance exec is an attorney.) That translates quite naturally to which training areas into which gender needs adding, what kinds of evidences, actions, reviews, etc. are needed in taking management action, and which existing policies apply or need adjustment.

[Angela Campbell]

In more depth,

I worked for a very large global corporation. I contacted the global director of human resources (in hong Kong) using an email that could not be traced to me. I asked about the company policy on transitioning. After some discussion I identified myself and was connected to the director of hr for North America.
Together we worked out a schedule and how to go about it. Next was a meeting with my manager and his manager. Eventually the rest of the company.

I took 2 months off for FFS, and name change. Came back as angela and at that time notified my Co workers. I treated it as a medical condition with all the information I could easily give. I supplied the company with letters from my doctors and my therapist.

The transition went very smoothly.

[Badtranny]

Well, as you've probably already figured out; plans made today are discarded by the transition tomorrow. The lesson here is; don't try too hard to manage it. Get advice (from those who have done it) and then move forward. I tried very hard to manage the expectations and the message, and in the end, I still lost my job.

In transition as in life, control is mostly just an illusion. Remember that there are countless reasons to not transition and only ONE reason to do it.

The best packed parachute still needs to be opened before it works.

[Barbara Dugan]

Thanks ladies for the insight. I work on a oil related industry and the company is a global one, and the past few months had been of uncertainty.
I need to start researching if there is something specific for LGTB issues.
Did the HR department ask you for a letter from your therapist?

[Angela Campbell]

No, I wasn't asked but gave them that along with information about the need for treatment by the apa and other information on title IX

I did Draft a letter to be read by and to all employees explaining gd, transition and the medical need to transition.

[pamela7]

normally, tell HR first, they have policies, they know how it needs to be announced and won't be happy if you do it your way ... with them onside you can then tell boss first then colleagues - you might want to speak to boss, then visit HR with him/her ...?

[Eringirl]

For me it was my boss, and the Department head (Senior VP). That went super well...they are my biggest supporters at work right now!! HR Director was next. While not a global organization, we have 25,000 stake holders at my site, so there are larger policies and admin involved. He is going to take care of all that. Of the 350 in my department, reporting is split between my two bosses. They are going to deal with any issues that come up, if any. Not me. They don't feel that is my job. Any negative behaviour is grounds for immediate dismissal according to our organizations TG Bill of Rights. So they will deal with it.

We then put together a strategy to target sub department heads who would be supportive (which is all of them....lucky me!! :smile: ) That way, they can deal with any negativity IMMEDIATELY in their area. The crafting of the message for everybody else is my responsibility, but with their input. It will go out via the Director of HR as a staffing announcement. I have also contacted VPs of other departments which went really well. They are super supportive and will deal with any issues with their staff. So far, none. Finally, for me, the media may be an issue, so we are working on a plan for that. A little bit of Cait Jenner Syndrome for me...very high visibility and many times the face of the organization in the global setting. Hoping that we will not have to execute on that plan, but better to be prepared and not have to use it, ya know??

The important point is to have a plan, involve key people in your company when possible....they will be looked to for setting the standard and tone for appropriate response.

Hope it all goes well.

[LeaP]

Misty, the parachute line is priceless!

Angela's response made me recall that I called an internal HR exec anonymously about a year and a half ago. Why anonymously? Because HR isn't there for YOU! HR exists PRIMARILY to protect the company. They have all the touchy-feely stuff, too, but don't confuse operational management and policy enforcement with representation! So the anonymous call was to first see what existed already at the company, which would inform my subsequent steps. What existed at that point was "Nothing+". There was a diversity statement which included gender identity and expression, but that was it. No transitions, no insurance coverage (at that point), no HRC rating, no policies, no knowledge.

If you're going to hit HR first, cold, while identifying yourself, set it up as a HIPAA-protected medical discussion and DOCUMENT THAT in the meeting invitation or email. The ramifications for the HP rep violating your medical privacy by discussing it with anyone are potentially pretty bad. I did that with my divisional HR rep.

[Barbara Dugan]

Thank you again Ladies all the advice is valuable , yes indeed the parachute line is priceless .
Lea bring a very good point about how to bring the subject with the HR dept.

[Emjay]

I'm a maintenance supervisor in the auto manufacturing industry. My company has a *very* strong diversity statement and an 85 HRC rating so I wasn't terribly concerned with repercussions but I did want to do this with the least amount of drama/disruption.

I contacted HR first via email to identify who within HR I needed to speak with regarding a "personal life event" (I think that's how I put it, or something very similar). Once I determined who that was (I was right on my first try), we set up a meeting with just the two of us for me to expand on that. I had offered to get documentation from my therapist if they needed it but it wasn't required.

My contact in HR wanted to contact the diversity council within my company for further direction, which he did. We had both agreed in that first meeting that we wanted to do this "right", whatever that means. He was very supportive, which was the important part. We had a few more private meeting to discuss next steps. Then met with a select few members of management including my manager, the area manager and production manager from my shift. That led to a larger meeting with even more people from within/without my immediate group and officially coming out.

I had decided early on that I wanted the announcement to my own group to come directly from me to help dispel any rumors/gossip about the situation. Just before the last meeting and official announcement to the organization as a whole I had a smaller meeting with my guys to read a letter I had written for the day.

We also decided to plan all of this to be the day before leaving for a weeks' vacation to act as a buffer between "old me" at work and "new me". This part was my idea and I'm glad I did it this way. It gave HR the opportunity to make sure all of the other work groups in my facility were properly informed and it gave me several days to collect myself after coming out, which I needed.

All said, the process took about two months and things have gone really smoothly ever since.

[karenpayneoregon]

I work in a State agency as a software developer.

I first asked my therapist, she recommended approaching human resources as my first contact which I did. Next I setup a meeting with my immediate supervisor, he was very supportive and suggested I talk to my immediate team of six people.

Before I had the meeting with my immediate team one co-worker I’ve worked with for 20 years kept asking me questions “so what is this surgery you are having?” he was persistent and with that decided to take him into a room and disclose my plans. The first words out of his mouth was, I thought you had a serious aliment like cancer. He then said something to the tune of, I know at least for our immediate team you will be accepted (and he was right). At one point he then said, now you can get a Miata. I told several co-workers I wanted one and they said it’s a car for females.

From there told my supervisor I wanted to have a segment of our bi-monthly meeting to announce my plans for gender reassignment surgery.

Human resources was very supportive especially with restroom usage, they said according to law it was my choice to use male or female restroom which in turn I elected to use the male restroom until coming back from surgery leave.

In our unit meeting I announced my intentions to 20 co-workers and then followed up with an email for my work area comprising of 60 people.

I provided my supervisor with a message to distribute if needed to the entire agency of 1,000 workers.

Important to know, Oregon where I live has strong laws to protect transgender people so I had no concerns for losing my job or discrimination. What I was concerned about was that some people would not care for my choice.

Coming back to work four weeks post-op I had a great welcome back to work. As I expected some ignored me, a whooping count of three co-workers to this day still ignore me big time.

What I believed assisted in all of the above was first practicing what I would say to the intended parties along with advice from a book “True Selves”. And a simple phrase at the end of each announcement “I am still the same person inside”.

[PretzelGirl]

My plan was documented and followed, which seems to be the outlier. But it was more along the lines of Erin where I went to my boss as I trusted him and didn't know my HR.

I will just skip to a couple of thoughts:
- When you go to HR, have a list of questions and thoughts as you will forget something if you don't.
- While it is good to do things in a manner that protect your rights, try to not let that come out in a combative manner. As said above, HR is there to protect the company. They will generally work with you, but if you become perceived as a problem child, you start diminishing your standing.
- I would limit how many co-workers you tell until you tell your boss and HR. You don't want the leak to get ahead of you and put you in a bad spot.

[Barbara Dugan]

Thanks Sue, I guess that beside the disclosure to the HR what worries me is how will this affect my interaction with my co-workers..I work general maintenance and interact with everyone at the facility.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Barbara;

Surprisingly I think im in better shape now then prior. A good part of that is just shear happiness and a sense of comfort in who I am which comes through most days - especially when F2F.

I had 2 in my team that I was concerned about beyond my mgr but by this time I'd crossed that bridge already and he was a challenge as well. One was the 2nd person I disclosed to. Nothing changed there. Later in the process I had one person which I anticipated might have some issues due to religious principles. Indeed he did for a short period but came to realize that 1) my family was solid and strong, 2) my happiness came through, 3) I continued to work with him the same way and it was as normalcy that showed him we were good and our relationship is stronger then ever now.

It all comes down to how you approach the issue with folks. Humble and open vs. confronting and pushy or trying to get them to understand. Tell your story, tell them how you feel, and what brought you to this point in a simple way. Not everyone will get it; you have to understand that and be ready for it. If your organization is diversity strong then you have policy to assist in keeping staff in check.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Rogina B]

I know Barbara a bit..The Texas based industry [oilfield support] that she works in does not "see transitioners every day"...This will be a big deal for her workplace. Doing the proper thing with management all the while growing a thick and tough skin for those "that don't and won't get it". Hopefully,her good work will be the main factor in their acceptance of her transition. She works in an industry that changes people out like a broken wrench especially with an industry downturn. I truly wish her all the best,knowing of her work world.

[flatlander_48]

Some years back our LGBT employee affinity group invited Dr. Maggie Stumpp to come and talk about her experiences when she transitioned in place. I was out of the country at the time, but as I understand, this article captures a lot of what she said.

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/when-mark-turned-into-maggie/

DeeAnn

[PennyNZ]

I loved that article DeeAnn

Penny

[flatlander_48]

HR is there to protect the company.

Some years ago I supervised a group of engineers and technicians. A significant part of the training effort for supervisors and managers centered around eliminating, or at least minimizing, liability for the company. For what we did, the obvious things were safe equipment design and safe operating practices, but it also extends to things like appropriate and fair hiring practices, being the first line regarding implementing HR policies, etc. As a consultant we had put it: "The idea is to keep the noise down.". Clearly something like transitioning is a potential disruption in the work place. Since leading the process may be something that a lot of HR people have little or no experience with, I suspect that leading your transition from the rear would probably be useful. After all, who always looks out for your interests?


I loved that article DeeAnn

Penny

Very good! I've always been sorry that I missed that event...

DeeAnn

[Barbara Dugan]

Just a quick update, I already sent an E-mail to HR to discuss about it.
I guess there is no turning back now.

[I Am Paula]

There you go. You've pulled the pin. I hope for the very best result. Keep us posted.

[Suzanne F]

Congratulations and good luck!

[Barbara Dugan]

Quick update, finally I had the talk with the HR department.

I think it went well, They were really surprised and honest about not having any idea on how handle it, they will need to research for the company's protocol to follow....Well at least regardless of the outcome I got it out of my chest and will keep moving forward:hugs:

[Suzanne F]

Very similar to how my company reacted. Good for you. Take a deep breathe and keep going forward.
Suzanne

[Eringirl]

Well done Barbara! That was a really big step!! May I suggest that you also do some research to assist your organization?? My "spidey" sense tells me, don't let them take total control of this. This is your life and process, make sure it goes they way you want.....

[Lauri K]

Barbara I can imagine that was a tough email to write and even harder to mash the send button. Maybe it was not that hard after all as I know you had been contemplating this for a while.

I am so proud that you done it and I am hoping that it goes smoothly for you.

Not to go off kilter here on Barbara's thread, but I am totally amazed at how many large corporations and medical professionals here in the USA seem to have no clue how to deal with transgender people. I work for a large corporation and I have been unable to find any policies or guidlines on how TG employees will be handled during transition and or after transition. Maybe I need to query my local HR gal and see what she says.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Coming out at work needs to be a cooperative effort between you, hr, and your mgt. Depending on your level in the organization will define how much ownership you should push for. Personally the more say you have the better in my view with the old adage with "great power comes great responsibility". Have a good solid plan that balances your needs and expectations with that of the business as well.

[Eryn]

One thing that I've learned is that every situation is unique. Different employers, different legal environments, different co-workers, etc. mean that there is no one approach to the problem.

In my case, I'm first coming out to selected co-workers who I'm fairly sure will support me. That way, if someone says "Did you hear...." there will be people around me who say "so what?"

HR/management will also find out in due course, but the timing is touchy. The busyness of my job is cyclical so I will wait and tell them when things are busy so the administrators won't have time to sit around and think of unneeded "mitigations" for their newly trans employee.

[MissDanielle]

It must have felt great to get it off of your chest!

I'm in a tough pickle with being a long-term temp.

[PretzelGirl]

Lauri, one of the questions on policy may be, have they had a situation where they needed to create a policy. I transitioned in late 2014, 10+ years after the last transition and no other transgender people in sight. We have 3400 people at any one time, so that is fairly low. But my HR didn't have a policy and I can certainly see why. They are quite busy, so why address something that didn't need addressing. So we "wrote the book" together.

[Lauri K]

Lauri, one of the questions on policy may be, have they had a situation where they needed to create a policy

I am not sure Sue, but the Co. is 6K plus employees US & CA combined, I have been here over 10 years so I would have thought this need would have at least came up a few times or perhaps often enough that someone would say it's time for us to write something down so managers and supervisors can discuss the policy with their employees prior to reaching out to HR for name changes, ID's, etc,

Maybe there are not as many of us T's out there as I think there are.................does not matter I just thought by now we would have been further along was all I wanted to say.

I am at the moment more of concern that health care providers in the US are way behind on even where to begin on treating us for something as simple as a physical.....just saying a lot of work to be done

[Barbara Dugan]

Echoing Lauri and Sue, I just got home from work, today I had the talk with HR and my supervisor, and while I was assured that I am protected against any form of discrimination there is no written policy or a previous documented case of any person that had transition on the company..Lauri Knows that my employer is also a big company.

it was discussed that there is the need of a policy but again still I was assured that I can move on my transition any way I desire and feel comfortable.

I know this will be a shock to many people but others will understand the clues I left behind all these years and wont be easy but again this is all about being true to yourself.

[flatlander_48]

Maybe there are not as many of us T's out there as I think there are.................does not matter I just thought by now we would have been further along was all I wanted to say.

Don't forget that not everyone transitions in place. My guess would be that there is a substantial number that transition between jobs rather than on the job.

DeeAnn

[ariannavt]

I've been on HRT since last December,my original plan was to hold coming out at work for at least a year ,but changes are starting to became too obvious and the loss of strength is another issue to consider.. What are I really don't know is to who come out first ? My coworkers, immediate supervisor or the HR department,
I have very good relationship with all of them...any suggestions or advice.

Hi Barbara! I am about to come out at my workplace too. I work for a small company (about 55 people). I started by telling our HR person and our CFO. I plan to tell the CEO & owner sometime in the next couple of weeks... and then (assuming he doesn't freak out and/or fire me) send an email around to the rest of the staff immediately after.

I do have a couple of friends at the office who have known for at least 6-8 months. They have been wonderful; however I also have to admit the likely possibility that more people know about me being trans than I realize (everyone tells someone).

[Barbara Dugan]

Just a quick Update, This past weeks have been of a lot turmoil at work with lay off and changes with in the company, but still I've come out to a lot of people and so far everybody has been supportive even the ones I thought they were going to be harder to explain.
I've been very specific about that this is no a secret to keep and that I k planning to keep with my transition.

Actually I went to work as my real self this past weekend...I had a party to attend and when I was ready to leave home I got a call from my boss about an emergency and it was necessary to go right away...I told to myself there is no way I am going to change back and get dressed again, so I went to solve the emergency the way I was dressed, the good thing is that I had jeans and a cute top.

I swear the security stood motionless and speechless for like a minute before he could react and open the gate for me...it was a quick event because took me a few minutes to fix problem but it was a first for me, now I need to start getting work clothes more appropriate...there is a lot of things ahead of me but I am more ready than ever to keep moving.

[Suzanne F]

Barbara
I am so happy for you. Bad Tranny got me through those beginning days when I was in between. Keep your head up and keep going!
Suzanne

[Barbara Dugan]

Yes indeed anybody that is seriously considering transition should pay attention To Bad Tranny Wisdom.

[flatlander_48]

I swear the security stood motionless and speechless for like a minute before he could react and open the gate for me...

That's Funny! I'll bet you could almost see and hear the gears turning.

DeeAnn

[Badtranny]

Barbara
I am so happy for you. Bad Tranny got me through those beginning days when I was in between. Keep your head up and keep going!
Suzanne

LOL

I didn't get you through nuthin' lady.

YOU got you through that shit. I deserve no credit for your courage whatsoever. None. It was all you. I faced my shit, and you faced your shit, and we both did it alone. We all do it alone.

We support each other and we commiserate with each other but we face every challenge with nothing but the courage of our conviction. We're all like prize fighters, we walk into that ring alone, ...and the prize is freedom.