funeral - fake it or be me?

[pamela7]

The last sibling on my father's side has died - she was 96 - and I'm to take mum to the funeral. My 3 cousins on that side will be there - all about 70 years old with no idea about my recent changes. I may well have thrown out my last pair of smart man-shoes anyway, and any last ties and suit. So, do I cover up for one last meeting with folks I'll probably never meet again (it's been 24 years since we last met - 1992)? Or do i go in all-black ladies to reflect my true identity.

My SO asked generally about dressing at formal events in a thread last year, but that was phrased as "non-transitioning". Would you drab for the day to allow your relatives to focus on their main event, or would you decide this is the time they also were updated as to your world as it now really is?

I have 9 days to decide.

[MissDanielle]

Being someone who is very close with their extended family, I would not think that a funeral would be the time to come out. That's just my opinion.

[Dana44]

I certainly would wear a black suit. There is no reason to show that you are TG to the relatives. But that is my opinion and not yours. You don't have have to act manly there. You are only giving your condolences so its better to fake it.

[Badtranny]

Well, somebody who hasn't come out would certainly advise against coming out, but this question is not that easy is it.

Pamela, I don't recall if you're out or not, or if you're even full time yet. Forgive my laziness, but it doesn't really matter for my point anyway. :-)

If you are OUT as transitioning but are not yet full time, then I would go as a dude and not give it a second thought. If you are NOT out then the answer is clear. Put on your dude drag like it was any other day. Funerals are not the place to make political statements so if you're just wondering about the appropriateness of a black dress, I would advise against it.

However, if you are OUT and FULL TIME with a name change and all of that, then it gets a little trickier. Personally, it would be a no brainer. I've been transitioned for so long that there is no one in my family who doesn't know and besides, I've had so much work done, that dressing like a dude doesn't make me look like a dude.

It was only a few years ago when I was in a similar state of transition as you and I honestly wouldn't have minded wearing dude drag to an even like that. Your clothes aren't a costume, and they don't magically make you into something you're not. Men's clothes do not make me feel manly, any more than women's clothes make me feel feminine. If your SO is a woman, then why not both of you wear suits?

[Melissa75]

Myself... I would wear whatever your most comfortable with.

If it were me, my most comfortable would be me looking like how everyone expects me to be as a male instead of as the true me as a female. So as far as faking it. I would fake the male role if it were me. I can almost relate to this with my daughter who was forced to wear a dress that she hated for my brothers wedding. I had to tell her that its only for the day for that short period of time then you get to change back into clothing your most comfortable with. So it might be better to fake it as a male figure even though your not as for when its over with you get to go back to how your most comfortable when away from family. I myself am far more comfortable cross dressed as my female self among strangers instead of around those who know me. You would think it would be the other way around with comfort in those you know vs total strangers. But in my situation thats how I feel.

[STACY B]

I'm kinda with Melisa,, But with me I think you should dress what and who you look like? I think if you Look like a female dress female, But if you look male dress male, Basicly the same thing she said kinda,,lol,, Like all the others said a funeral really isn't the time nor the place for anymore surprises.

An don't take me wrong,, Like Melisa said even if she wore Overalls she still would not look male, I have seen her in Person so it's different. I have never seen you before only in pictures and have no idea what you look like in person? Many people on here and in pictures look different in person because of there size and shape, Most just post head shots on here and we have No way to judge otherwise. Just be careful I know you will do the right thing out of respect .

[Suzanne F]

I think if you are out and full time you should dress as you. If not then put a suit and tie on. Since I am out and am 24/7 when I fly home for my daughter's graduation I will be wearing a tasteful dress. If one of my ex wife's family doesn't like it, oh well. The question is whether my parents will attend. If they do it would be first time they saw me. Either way Pamela I support your decision.
Suzanne

[pamela7]

Thank you all, so far. I discussed this with welshgirl, and apart from formal name change and these more distant relatives not being informed, I'm out in all other aspects. Welshgirl is happy for me to be in a discreet all-black tunic etc.

To strangers, and indeed old friends caught off-guard, I can come across as female despite being 6'1" & 220lbs. I have a good role-model GG friend who is about 6' and 65 years old; she's quite giant-like yet always ladylike.

Melissa (bad Tranny), in effect yes I am living full time, maybe twice in last year did i go in drab and those clothes are gone now. I believe I gave away my last ties as part of crossing my rubicon; no males clothes means drag only. As you all say, this is my decision. Going in drab i feel is more a betrayal, a hiding, and i'm done with that. Heck I've risked business, customers, money; if anyone decides to take objection I can leave and be done with them.

I really can't see myself hiring a suit for the day, so yes, they may as well have final memories of the true me.

thanks everyone, it's been useful.

[Rianna Humble]

I had a similar dilemma when I had only just come out, but that was for a wedding. If I remember rightly your mum does already know about Pamela. As this is about your last aunt on your dad's side and you're not very likely to see the cousins again, I think you should go with what you and your SO are most comfortable with. If your mum didn't know, I would urge caution.

[Marcelle]

Hi Pamela,

I think you have already made your decision and it provides good balance IMHO.

If it were me, I could not do guy and it is not because I look stunningly gorgeous or even remotely GG it would just feel wrong. It took me so long to accept I am a woman and not presenting as who I am would be awkward and fake for me.

Cheers

Marcelle

[Janice Ashton]

Pamela,

Tough question and it may seem a difficult decision but;

Might it be pertinent to say you are female if you are living full time and not now male, so why return to a life you have abandoned for people who have had no position in your life for so long, besides in my book a funeral is about the celebration of a life past not what gender you present yourself in;

I hope this does not appear too harsh an answer but it is how I would see it...

[I Am Paula]

What Melissa said. I had trouble with this just before going full time. I chickened out, and didn't go to the funeral at all. (That's not a recommendation). Full time is full time. Anything else, and you may choose.

[Bria]

Pamela, Funerals are for those left behind to honor/celebrate the life of the departed. That said, I see the situation differently than a wedding, to show up at a wedding as Pamela might take away the focus on the wedding couple. If you have not seen this side of the family for 24 years and may not see them again, I would go as Pamela and hold my head up. For all they know up may have been Pamela for many years, you don't have to go there. Dressed appropriately they may not even recognize you and assume you to be some distant relative or just an old friend, you don't have to explain.

Either way I hope that it is a comfortable experience for you, for welsh girl, and your mother. You will have my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Wendy me]

if you don't want to come out .... i would do a black pants suit with a man's white shirt .... be short with the family and go home ....rember if your half way female and half him something is going to show ....

[pamela7]

It's decided, a "dead and buried" decision: all in black but all in ladies.

[Rachel292]

I'm going to Kent on sunday, to bury my Dad's Ashes (he died 3 years ago) at the local churchyard , but due to circumstances, my nearly 89 year old mum , has decided we should bury them as soon as possible. So sunday it is.
I'm giving my daughter (and her youngest) a lift there and back. (my daughter, refuses to meet Rachel)
Although My mum would be understanding , My dad's only remaining brother doesn't know about me.
So it's dig some clothes out of the depths of the wardrobe , and it will be 'bob' going.

[pamela7]

Hi Rachel, we all have to do the right thing, I hope it goes well for you.

[Tina_gm]

I think it is mostly a personal circumstance thing. If yours is that you are now 24/7, and you have your wife's full support, as well as the others in your circle, then by all means, go as you normally are. I have seen a few posts in the CD section which will ask a similar question. For those though I would say that they should suit up. I say that because the emphasis is on them, the kids, parents, whomever, not you, which it then becomes when dressed. For you, this is who you are now, not just on certain occasions. For CDers who are not committing to life as a woman then the emphasis of the occasion becomes their dressing for the event, rather than the event itself. With you, this does not appear to be the situation. Your choice to dress as you do every other day is not the wrong one IMO.