Common Sense

[AmberDay]

I rarely ever post or even log in here, but I wanted to share what happened tonight to a TG/CD in hopes of sparing someone on here what they went through. If you are going to go out on the town, make sure you have a way to get back home. I am a city transit bus driver. Tonight at around 1230am I saw a TG/CD at a bus stop on the east side of town. I knew she was TG/CD right away; she was wearing a red business skirt suit, black hose, with polished black pumps. She was also wearing overly large sunglasses. I'm not knocking her appearance (you should have seen some of the outfits I wore when I first started going out). Her type of look would work during the day during business hours, but not late at night while standing on the side of the road. She would have been better off in jeans and sneakers for a middle of the night look. I stop and she gives me a shy smile and I thank her for paying her fare and she sat down. I get all the way to the end of the line on the west side and found it odd that she was still on board. I asked if she knew where she was going and she nodded yes. We are required to collect fares for someone round tripping, but I just let it go. I figured she missed her stop. I get back downtown at 2am and she is still on board. Problem is, I'm done for the night. Not just me, nor my route, but the whole transit system. As I pull into the hub, I stop and tell her I'm terminating and she needs to get off here. She is visually shaken. She tried at first talking like a female (nothing against her voice, I paid $700 in voice training lessons and I still can't sound like a female), but she quickly gave up and reverted to her guy voice. She wanted to know if I can take her back home; she didn't know the buses stopped running around 2am. I explained I have to take the bus back to the garage. She then started pleading with me. I explained to her I can't, it would cost me my job. I couldn't even sneak her back over there since we are tracked by satellite and they would know the second I went off route. Also they would know I was late pulling into the garage. I wasn't going to risk it. I advised her to take a taxi, but she only brought a single bus token. No money nor debit/ credit cards. I thought that was rather ridiculous. When I go out dressed, I always have cash AND a card just in case. I then advised her to call a friend or family member to pick her up, and she said she couldn't because she doesn't want anyone to know about her dressing. I felt bad because she then wanted to know if I could give her a ride home in my car, and as much as I felt for her, I wasn't going to risk anything happening to me. I've already had a nasty experience giving a stranger a ride before. Also, I don't live anywhere near where she got on at and it would have been way out of the way for me. So here she is, stuck downtown, dressed to the nines, without any money. The buses don't start running again until around 530am, but she doesn't even have money for bus fare. I would have given her a couple dollars, but I don't carry cash on me at work and I wasn't going to go to an ATM downtown and get robbed. She was understandably freaking out. She is now stranded in downtown Dayton for several hours all dressed up with no money and no way home. It is 30 degrees and her hose isn't going to keep her legs that warm.

Tip: We have all done the late night outing; that's how I started going out in public. Many can attest that going out late at night isn't the safest time to do it. I understand people have certain times to go out and some feel more comfortable in the dark. Ultimately, if you decide to go out on a bus late at night, make certain you have enough money to get back home and most importantly: Make certain the bus will get you back home! That's good advice if you go out dressed as a female or out as a male. Now I'm going to be up all night feeling bad for her; debating if I should have risked giving her a ride home. Then again, the last time I took someone home, I was robbed. I don't trust anyone anymore, sigh.

[DebsUK]

Well, she was pretty stupid for getting into that position. I hope she found someone to help who was a bit more sympathetic to her position before she was beaten or worse

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Amber, you have nothing to feel bad about. You had already turned a blind eye to her riding the bus farther than she ought, you offered her various sensible solutions to her problem, and you quite rightly chose not to jeopardise your job or own personal safety.

Another alternative might have been to offer to call her a cab, suggesting that she stop off at a safe ATM, or perhaps had cash at home to pay the fare.

Good reading from you-

Nikki

[Teresa]

Amber,
To me it sounds like she dressed out of desperation , for some reason of which us may have gone through over the years. Maybe blame pink fog but it sounds as if she just said the hell with it got dressed and walked out the door, then obviously became trapped through not thinking what she was doing and hadn't considered money or how to get back home after her mind settled down.
Obviously I could be wrong but how many of us have had those moments of not caring and just wanting to shout it from the roof tops. If I'm right I really feel for her, you were in a difficult situation with having to adhere to company rules. Maybe I might have taken a chance and just driven her home, I guess if she'd allowed it I would have checked her handbag to make sure she wasn't carrying anything offensive that she could harm you with.
I would doubt it's an isolated story, I wonder how many times the police have had to deal with situations like this, maybe that could have been you're way out .

[Maria 60]

You shouldn't loose any sleep, it really wasn't your problem. I will say even myself when we get a chance to walk out the door we get so excited or nervous that we forget the little things. Well believe it or not I probably would have got in the same situation, my friend is a bus driver and he told me they want to start running the buses an hour earlier on Sundays. I told him I thought the buses run all night, and found out they stop running at 2: am. But I believe I wouldn't have been without money or an interact card. I also would have felt bad but there's nothing you could have did about it without making it personal. You said the magic words COMMON SENSE. Thanks for the post it always a good reminder before leaving the door to have a plan and a back up plan.

[Sara Jessica]

There is zero reason why you should feel bad about what you did or did not do. In fact, you should feel pretty good about yourself because you gave her much more empathy than the average Muggle driver might have.

Your passenger created her own predicament, sad as that is. I believe most of us here have common sense light years beyond hers.

[wendy]

oh wow, what a predicament. After reading your story, I would have done the same thing you did. I am siding with you, always carry cash/credit card, and a plan on getting home.

[stacycoral]

Wow, i can understand, but you have to protect yourself first, and hopely she get home and has learn a lesson even it is the hard way, thanks for telling your story and that many of us girl will learn from it. hugs.lady

[Helen_Highwater]

Amber,
You did all you reasonable could, don't feel bad. This situation was of her own making.

This is a classic failure to do what the CD'ing guide book says and remember to plan ahead. You always need a contingency plan. I rarely put my car keys in my handbag but keep them in a pocket so if my bag were to be snatched I can still get in the car where I left a spare set of house keys. Cover the bases.

[Nadine Spirit]

We have all done the late night outing.....

Nope, sorry, never have done the late night outing thing. I think it is more than a bit odd.

Anywho...... Don't loose sleep over it. I really think anyone who does that is pretty foolish. Seriously people, why would that seem like a good idea? Many of you apparently have your priorities all mixed up! Going out late at night, seriously actually risking your lives. Why? Because you are more afraid of people you know finding out about you? How is it that is worse than death? Pretty extreme.

You did what you could for her. More than what many others may have.

[Judy-Somthing]

I stopped going out well in my teens.
I would go out after midnight, the "bewitching hour" but stay within a few blocks from home.
I was harassed big-time twice by two drivers trying to pick me up, and chased one time by a group of older teens.
Never went out again.

[Robin414]

Wow Amber, I feel your pain, and hers, a no win situation unfortunately.

@Judy - yikes! IMHO maybe you should try more public venues, I've seen your pics and I can see why you might get hit on, you look absolutely gorgeous! You would completely fit in any public venue though!

[Amy Lynn3]

So sad for the both of you. Amber, I know you were torn in half, wanting to help her, but could not. Not a situation I would want to have been in. And for the late night rider. Wow, she must have panicked, being stranded downtown. It was her own fault, but maybe she had underlying problems that caused her situation. In any event you both were put on the spot.

[Alice Torn]

Thanks for you kindness, and patience with that Cder. Maybe the Cd has mental issues, too. Many yrs ago, while i was working, a man, non Cd came up to me, and told me his mom was dying, his girfriend kicked him out, he had a nervous breakdown, and he need a few bucks, and a ride. I believed him, and took him many places that night, and gave him 43 dollars. Then dropped him off. I later ran into him again, and he tried to sell me a television. Finally, i got it. Liar! Con man! Probably got drugs. Told him i could do no more. Fool i was! I think i would have driven the Cd home, but that's just because it was so cold out, and I would fear frostbite, death from elements. But , you were robbed once, and you just never know, sadly.

[Tonya Rose]

Common Sense, Is not a plant that grow`s in everyone`s garden....

[sometimes_miss]

OK, here you go. Talk to her, explain why you're reluctant, you've been robbed before. If she's ok with it, then call the cops. Again explain the situation, that you're willing to drive her home, but am worried about your own safety. They can decide if she's a decent risk for a ride. Plus, they know you took her home, they know both your names, so you're both protected to some extent now that the police are involved. If she turns out to be free of weapons and/or a criminal record, THEN I'd drive her home. While I've never driven public transportation, I have driven for a living, and did something like this for someone who was stranded. In my case, everything worked out just fine. Stranded person got home, I did a good deed, cops did their job professionally (and this was almost 40 years ago).

[Alice Torn]

Good advice Sometimes Miss.

[Erin Lafleur]

I am convinced that you did the right thing Amber. Anyone who finds them self downtown, alone, with no money and/or debit/credit cards is an accident looking for a place to happen, dressed or otherwise. I know that for many of us, our first instinct is to help and I understand and applaud that.
That being said, her lack of the slightest sense of rational thought, harsh as it sounds, was not your problem. She was either unwilling or unable to anticipate the extent to which she would burden others with her lack of common sense. Neither option speaks well of her. Not the kind of person you want to be vulnerable to at 2:00AM, alone. You made the wise choice. No second guessing required, in my opinion.
Erin

[Krisi]

You can't risk your job just to help someone. Don't feel bad because someone was to stupid to plan ahead.

[Rita Leigh]

I think you did the only thing you could do...be empathic but cautious. I agree with you that she should have planned better...perhaps she did and got taken advantage of...lost her money and her ride. I am very nervous when out alone, especially in my car after going to a club/bar for a few hours of normalcy while dressed. Expect/enjoy the best but prepare for the worst!

[alwayshave]

Amber, we all want to help other like minded individuals. However, we cannot do so when it would cost us our job or our personal safety. You did the right thing. In the end, it was her fault for not planning better.

[Lorileah]

and people here want empathy,

Bus driver...couldn't you call dispatch and get someone there (I am sure there is a contingency plan somewhere for this type of thing)? Or the police as someone said? It was nice you took her round trip and we understand your fear, but how would you feel if this morning the news paper said something happened. The police could have handled the situation in a safe and quiet way.

I pray no one here is ever in need somewhere and relies on the goodness of CDs, what the heck, you should have planned for it. Simple, you have a person at risk, the police will handle it. That's sorta what they do (after they do all that L&O stuff). What would you have done if she had a flat tire and you stopped?

[Julogden]

No arguing that she was in the situation you describe because she screwed up, but I personally don't see that as a reason to think that she didn't deserve help. I would have given her taxi fare if possible.

[lingerieLiz]

Several of you missed that Amber didn't have money on her either. She could have gone to any hospital and sought help or what ever. Warm and secure. Police may have provided her a ride if they weren't busy.

[~Katelyn~]

Amber like everyone said you did the right thing. I can go out at night dressed,walk around town. I live in small town where hardly anything happens. I hope that she did make it home safe,maybe next time she will have money on her.

[Vickie_CDTV]

You did nothing wrong, you should never apologize for protecting your safety. She is a stranger, and you can't give strangers the benefit of the doubt like that in this day and age. She could have robbed you, or she could have had drugs or something else illegal on her and if you were pulled over by the cops you could find yourself in trouble.

[Meghan4now]

Fortunately, she probably only had a two hour walk home. I'm guessing Oakwood.

[Teresa]

Lorileah,
I have to agree with you, losing the plot does happen sometimes , we hope it doesn't happen to us !

Some harsh words from some replies, Krisi you have to give people the benefit of the doubt , think it through and try and help ! Shrugging your shoulders and saying it's all your own fault is not always the answer !

[AmberDay]

Bus driver...couldn't you call dispatch and get someone there (I am sure there is a contingency plan somewhere for this type of thing)?

We don't call dispatch for incidents such as this. Every night there are several people that 'need' a ride because they missed the bus, got on the wrong one, or were too drunk or high to get off when they should have. The bus company doesn't have somebody in a car or van to transport people all night that 'need' a ride. It isn't that I didn't have empathy, but yes when it comes down to it I was looking out for myself. Like someone pointed out, they may have had drugs or a weapon on them. They are a stranger. I did not know them. I felt bad and almost wish I did give them a ride, but I keep thinking about if I got pulled over and she stuffed some drugs in the seat. She wouldn't go to jail, I would. It wasn't worth the risk. As my therapist pointed out, just because someone is in the transgender spectrum doesn't mean they are a good person. I have put several TG/CD's off my bus for bad behavior. Well, I could have called the police and admit I didn't think of it. Would the police even show up for that though? The only time they give someone a ride is to jail. Now in retrospect I could have called for a cab, but she did have her own cellphone too and remember she didn't want to call anyone for help.

I've been in some desperate situations myself and the purpose of this post was to help people plan for contingencies in their outings. Someone mentioned an emergency bag in case something happened to them while they are out and need to change real fast. That is a great idea and made my own. What if I am out at the mall and my son was hurt at school? I can change in the car without having to drive home.

[Stephanie47]

Several of the points I made were acknowledged and restated by Amber and others. Personal safety is always the main concern when going anywhere. That includes having your vehicle in good working order. I will restate, please make sure the gas tank is full. I always do a walk around to make sure my brake lights, headlights and directional signals are working correctly. I also mentioned carrying a change of clothing. Nobody wants to have a breakdown while wearing a dress and heels without a change of clothing. If you're going to take a drive, I recommend staying off the freeways where the distance between exits may be many miles. If my car breaks down on the local streets I can pull over to the curb, change and worry about getting home en homme. Of course, I always have credit cards and cash and the number of an all night cab service.

Amber's rider obviously had not made adequate plans for her outings. And, it really does not matter whether she is transgender or not. A woman alone on the streets at the time of night is an easy target for any creep.

[Lorileah]

I didn't say call dispatch to take them home...you call dispatch about welfare so they can call the police. You left someone, who apparently was at risk, on the street alone. If you feel OK about her getting somewhere safe, cool. I don't think you do because you posted about it. I know many bus companies don't let you use you private cell while on the job, so a call to dispatch to ask for them to call someone (police, fire, anyone) about a welfare check would have been in order I would think. OR if you are allowed the use of your own phone, 911 would have worked. If the police had said "Not our problem" you at least threw it in their court if something DID happen.

With the number of transgender people killed or attacked or raped now, I just think we, as the transcommunity, would be a little more cognizant that you left an at risk person. You as much said she was distraught and scared. I pray she did get home in one piece. We warn people not to be out alone...and that is where you left her. Yes you broke a rule for round trip...was there someplace ON that round trip she would have been safer?

Sorry but what I see is "I did all I could" when I know there was more that could have been done. Police take people from bars all the time on welfare, they don't take them home but the jail or hospital would have been safer for her than a city street. If the company doesn't have a contingency plan for say a woman alone in a situation that could be harmful...or worse a child, they should. Easy Peasy. If this person had mental issues, let's choose Alzheimer's, and was wandering the streets, you wouldn't call someone to check?

That is all my personal feelings and I think I am jaded. I really do. I heard all the excuses in the world when I had my business. I cannot ever remember not directing someone to somewhere that they could get what they needed. Like I said, I hope and pray that that person wasn't hurt. You'll never know. The only time we hear about someone getting attacked is when they are in our circle.

[DebsUK]

I'm with Lorileah too. This was a highly vulnerable T-girl in the middle of town in sub-zero (in my money at least) temperatures and you're worried she might have drugs? Why, were you bothered she wouldn't share?

The point is you could have done something but did nothing. Worried about your safety? Take her picture and send it to someone, insist you search her bag, ring someone to let them know you might be a bit late, contact the police in advance. I don't know US public transport or social care, but there's a good few options right there

I'd also ask all the people responding saying Amber had empathy, is this the same level of empathy and understanding you expect from your SOs, friends and work colleagues as you come out to them? This girl was in a position of her own making, that is true. She clearly hadn't planned what she was doing but she may be running away from something, be mentally ill. Whatever the reason, it left her at serious risk of being beaten, raped or murdered. Could any of you sleep at night if that had happened? I couldn't

[Stephanie Julianna]

All I can say is 'common sense' is a misnomer. It's not that common.

[Rogina B]

I do not believe that "you did all you could do"..It also seems like the person didn't have the enthusiasm to ever be a threat to you. Shame on you.

[AmberDay]

Shame on me......... really? Why? For caring about my safety? It seems that several of you care more about her safety then mine. I was already robbed a couple of years ago by a 'nice' guy. I gave him a ride and he put a knife to my throat and got my money and my phone. I was surprised he didn't take my car. But I should have risked that happening to me again? So the lady may have been robbed herself or raped. But what if she did that to me, or set me up to have it happen? Bunch of hypocrites. I challenge those that are attacking me to give the next stranger a ride that asks for it. The next time you see a hitchhiker or someone approach you asking for a ride, give it them. You won't though because it isn't smart. You aren't going to risk your safety. Instead, you attack me for caring about mine. I doubt you would give a stranger a ride. Would you tell your kids to pick up strangers and take them where they need to go?

I should have given her a ride just because she was TG/CD? Google Donna Perry, the transgender serial killer out of Spokane, Washington. Just because someone is a crossdresser or transgender doesn't mean they are safe to be around.


you're worried she might have drugs? Why, were you bothered she wouldn't share? OMG, really? Yes, I was wanting to have her drugs in my car. I have a wife and four kids at home, a good career. It is definitely worth it to throw all that away over a drug charge.

This is why I don't hardly ever come on here. My wife is right, this forum is like high school. I try to give advice on making certain you have a way home while dressed so you don't get stranded, but instead I am bullied and harassed because I wouldn't put myself in danger. I do want to thank you ladies though for absolving my guilt. As I have reread what you have written, I am certain now more than ever I did the right thing. SHE DID HAVE A CELLPHONE, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO USE IT!!!!!!!! She could have called the police herself. She could have called a taxi for herself. If I thought of it at the time, I would have told her to do that, but it isn't my responsibility to remember details like that. I can't believe I try to help people by not getting stranded and I am attacked. Wow. I am done with this. Like the school bullies, you have successfully pushed me away from wanting to be here anymore. Almost every time I share an experience or offer advice I am attacked.