Hi everyone...Introduction time!

[jentay1367]

Hello! I've been a lurker here forever. So long in fact, I've seen folks show up, transition from beginning to end and finally disappear. For years and years I thought I was a cross-dresser. At least that's what I told myself. About 20 years ago, all the furtive sexual behavior that went along with the cross-dressing just kind of ceased and the dysphoria started up in earnest. You all know what I mean. Over the years my dressing became a way to stave off the dysphoria until about 5 years back it did no good any longer. The first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thoughts I had before lapsing into unconsciousness were that I was a Woman and needed to do something about it. No amount of shaving, plucking, moisturizing or weight loss would appease me. I was a hot mess.
I've been married for 32 years to a wonderful woman. Years ago our sex life ceased. For years she thought it was her fault as she had no idea of my issues. It was the constant elephant in the room. We continued to love each other in spite of my inability to "do my duty". Did I mention she is a wonderful woman? Anyways, I've finally come to my wits end and finally admitted to her that I was a woman and did my best to answer all her questions. She has been very kind and loving and decided we'll work it out and she will stay with me while I go on to transition and hopefully, the rest of our lives. As Misty would say, "I pulled the pin on the tranny grenade". As of now, I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. I am truly blessed.
I hope to contribute here over the next few years and be able to bounce my thoughts off folks and my experiences along the path and get some feedback from all the smart Women here. You all have already been an immeasurable source in helping me cope with what for a very long time, I simply couldn't understand. Thank you so much!
At 57 years old, I kind of feel like PaulaQ. I know what I want and don't want to waste what's left of my life piece mealing this thing. So I've decided to do what I would consider at least....fast tracking the whole process. I'd like to celebrate my 60th Birthday as a proud and happy transwoman on the other side.
I would like to solicit some advice from any of the gals here that may have some insight or information. All opinions are welcome and appreciated. Firstly, does anyone have any dealings or knowledge of the transinstitute.org/ ? I live in the midwest and resources are terribly slim. Does anyone know if this is a good organization or had any direct experience with them? Secondly, my made up time frame for beginning to completion is two and a half years, does this seem reasonable. Hoping to begin electrolysis next month, be on hormones by August, FFS, a year after that, RLE for the next year and finally Gender Confirmation at the end of that period. Am I out of my mind? I want to know I'm being reasonable with my expectations. I'm a get the job done kind of woman on anything I've ever done, so procrastination and heel dragging aren't my issues. Looking for any and all insight's anyone may have. Thanks everyone!
Since I've only been out for a week, I don't have any pictures of me yet. Once I get some time, I'll take some and post em' up. Reality.....I'm 57, 6 foot tall, 170 pounds with a rather soft bone structure, but still....a 57 year long testosterone poisoned face. I hope like crazy the the juice does me some good. I know it's a crap shoot, but I hope it softens up my features some......and oh yeah....some boobs, L.O.L. Thanks for reading my windy, windy post everyone. Dysphoric free days to you all. All my very best to everyone. Lisa

[Eringirl]

Hi Lisa: welcome to the forum!! I am sure that there will be sage advice forth coming from many who have a greater level of wisdom than I, so I will be very brief. Let me just say that everyone's journey is unique, and it is definitely not a "one size fits all" process. Starting Electro ASAP is a really good move. For me, I started almost a year ago after having 10 months of laser treatment. I probably have at least another year of electro to go, so about 2 years in total. I haven't had FFS, so can't comment with any authority on that. However, my gender therapist recommends 2 years on HRT prior to considering any FFS to ensure that the hormones have taken full effect, so to speak. So, you will need to put a plan together that works for you. I started at almost one year ago at age 55, so I was roughly where you are right now when I began. My plan is not written in stone, as it is really hard to predict how HRT impacts a body. My plan is more like written in Jello, to allow for some adjustments as I go along.

I hope that you find a protocol that works for you.

[Bria]

Lisa, you don't say what fly over state, if you are near the Kansas City area I can help with some resources.

Hugs, Bria

[jentay1367]

Hi Bria. That's very kind of you! I actually live south of Kansas City in a small community near the Lake of the Ozarks. So I'm about 2.5 to 3 hours out of KC. The Transgender Institute is in KC as well. Logistically, it's kind of going to be a task, but it looks like my options are very limited. I want to start electrolysis ASAP as it looks like it's going to be an uphill climb. Thanks to you and Eringirl for your replies and help. Lisa

[Robin414]

Welcome to the forum Lisa! You've certainty done your homework, I'm not quite where you are YET but but I COMPLETELY get where you're AT!

Hope that didn't sound crazy, but you probably know me already anyway 😆

[Zooey]

My only advice to you is to not get too focused on specific timelines, especially with anything physical. I know that age has a way of making this hard, and I'm not telling you what to do (or not do). This is just how I feel about it, sitting here 1.5 years into transition (1 year on HRT).

Transition is a journey, not a destination.
You will learn more about yourself than you ever thought possible, and then a month later you'll do it again.
Your body will change, to one degree or another, but your heart and soul are likely to change far more.
What you want now may change radically.

So...

Start hair removal, because it takes forever, shaving is terrible, and wearing enough makeup to cover a beard is terrible for your skin and your schedule.
Get on HRT if you can, because it has a way of reshaping your world from the inside out.
Start being yourself in the real world, if you haven't already. Then do it more.
Get all the pink fog out of your system, and figure out what kind of woman you actually are.

[Georgette_USA]

Transition is a journey, not a destination.
Start being yourself in the real world, if you haven't already. Then do it more.
Get all the pink fog out of your system, and figure out what kind of woman you actually are.

Welcome Lisa

Zooey, I agree with these thoughts. I remember when I did all the transition and had SRS at 26 it then took me a a few years to think just what I was going to do with the rest of my life. My partner and I bought a house in the suburbs, concentrated on careers and family and just grew old together. Now that she is dead, I have to transition again as a single older woman of 65. I feel so lost at times.
I am now trying to help and give support to all the younger TS as they transition.

[Emma Beth]

Welcome to the forum, Lisa.

I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said. Just try to remember to be a little flexible with your plans.

When you plan for anything, it never goes the way it was planned. I have a time line of my own and I look at it as more of a guide line rather than a timeline.

Not to mention, you can find yourself in the most unlikely of places too. For me, I found myself on my new motorcycle. Then again on my motorcycle at 110 mph on a back road. It's a never ending process of growth and discovery.

[jentay1367]

Thanks for the thought provoking advice, Ladies. I'm scared and concerned of the whole process. I'm setting all that down and moving forward so I can finally be me. I'll keep everyone in the loop as I progress forward. I guess I'll go ahead and take the first step next week with a Therapist and see if she can't hook me up with a trans friendly Electrologist. This shaving nonsense has got to go. Any ideas time wise on how long I'll have to wait before she'll recommend me for Hormones? Lisa

[Suzanne F]

Lisa
Welcome! I know that feeling of wanting to do everything yesterday once I truly accepted the truth. I started hair removal, came out and began HRT and am now about 6 weeks away from SRS. This was over the last 2 and a half years. However, I realized today that I want to make sure I savor and remember all of these moments. This journey although so difficult is so rewarding in many unexpected ways. I don't want to miss any of those in my rush to be me!
Suzanne

[Sandra]

Hi,
You will get a lot of advice and support from the ladies here
I'm married to a post -op TS Nigella who is here on the forum and would like to offer something for your wife, we have a private section here called FAB it is where wives/partners can join, we all support each other and it might help your wife.

[pamela7]

Welcome Lisa,
Sounds to me like you're doing it all right and wishing you'd done it long before. The biggest problem is that this seems to be less of a "go-get-'em" situation, with years of waiting for "professionals" to decide you're "worthy" of getting what you ask for - physical transition. Good luck, and don't take "no" for an answer!

xxx Pamela

[Angela Campbell]

Hi, yes you can do all of that in two years, but.....remember that a plan is good but will change over time. Electrolysis will take considerably longer. The cost is high, in dollars, emotionally, family, could cost everything.

I did it in about that time frame. Wasn't what I expected but I am very satisfied. It cost me around $60,000 my job, home, enormous amount of physical pain, and my kids won't talk to me. Still. ..successful. could have been worse.

[LeaP]

Are you crazy? Maybe ... Some say all of us are! But ultimately irrelevant.

A few questions:

I'm not clear on your timeline to-date. I get that you CD'd for years and that 5 years ago it "wasn't enough." At some point you told your wife. When did you tell her?

I don't know what you mean by dysphoria. I know what it is and how it manifests in me. What about you?

You describe yourself as a woman. What does that mean to you? How did you come to that conclusion?

Why is transition the answer? To what question or problem, exactly?

As a general comment, I would suggest looking at things as a discovery process rather than a pre-planned journey. One major reasons paths differ so much from person to person is that each step opens another world of consequences and possibilities.

To the extent I see any red flags in your post, it is that you seem to be projecting the notion of "enough" and "appeasement" all the way to transition, complete with surgeries. If so, you will find that you'll need a better handle than that on what it is you're solving for, at the risk of finding yourself in a very bad place at the end. Getting a firm grasp of that, however, isn't a logical exercise anyway. In that light, the certainty you are expressing is unusual for an older person considering transition, especially with your history, and at the point where you are.

Am I trying to discourage you? Yeah, probably. You quoted Misty. Let me do so also - "transition is a hell of a thing." It can be as destructive as creative, however necessary it might be. And it's best avoided when possible. You know how enthusiasm for transition comes across to me these days? Like the attitudes toward the war and battle displayed by the general population and recruits before shipping overseas in the early stages of WW1. In other words, before they - and everything around them - were blown to hell. Hopefully your experience won't be that grim! And truthfully, some delightful things happen, too. But it's not for the faint of heart.

At one time I shared your vision of steps and timeline. To say that no aspect of that occurred as envisioned would be an understatement! I'm now going on to 4 years on HRT. I'm nearing completion of (facial) electrolysis. I originally "planned" FFS over a year ago! No, wait, that was a revised "plan" ... The ORIGINAL one had me transitioned (surgeries and all) in my LAST job - over 3 years ago! In another part of the country and under other financial circumstances. A merger and layoff did that plan in. I won't detail my issues and progress, but let me summarize by focusing on two key points: that dysphoria is a chameleon and identity is a bottomless chasm. What you are, what you need, what you want, and what you do are often very different things.

[jentay1367]

Thanks for all the support and encouragement, you guys are wonderful. Thanks as well for the road blocks and causes for pause. It shows me you guys aren't just a bunch of cheerleaders leading me down the garden path. To address Lea, that's a lot of information to internalize and try to answer. What the heck....I'll try.
Told the Wife last week fully prepared to have her kick me out of her life. This is the wife of 32 years. As I pointed out, we haven't had a sexual relationship in nearly 20 years. But we've had a loving relationship for all 32 years. She is my best friend. I was horrified at the thought of losing her, but if I ended my life, I reasoned, we lost each other anyways. So I told her and she chose to stay because we love each other. Yay for me! Our Daughter is an adult and my grandchildren are nearly adults. Parents long dead and a few close friends. If they love me, they'll deal with it. If not, have a nice life. I come from a very open minded family as that's how we raised our daughter and consequently, that's how her kids have been raised. They will take it well or not....I hope for the former.
What is dysphoria to me? The nagging feeling of hating who I see in the mirror whenever I look. The constant desire to see the woman and not being able to physically identify her. The shaving of every hair off my body and relentless moisturizing routine constantly to suppress my maleness. The disgust with the burden of erections. The 24/7 taping and tucking of my male member so I don't have to see it. The peacefulness and comfort I feel in Women's attire when I am dressed in my preferred genders clothing. Noticing that my interests and perspectives are more associated with other Women's than any man's and that it has always been that way. The overwhelming desire to be viewed as a Woman and treated as one and live my every day life that way.
You bring up bad consequences? Can you help me by elaborating? Are we talking about regret? My life is full of regret right now for not having the guts to move in this direction years ago. DVT, Liver damage? If I die, at least I went out trying. I'm going to die someday anyway. Rather be happy or trying to be when I go. I don't feel like I much want to live the way I am any longer. Drinking like a fish to stuff these feelings has been part of my problem for years and any normal person would label me an alcoholic. Drinking every day...some times all day. There are consequences in that behavior as well. Haven't had a drink since I told my Wife of my intention and am already feeling and looking better. I must say that I don't want to do this. I want the magic pill so I can "man up". I'm not being glib...I'm totally serious....give me that pill! I would take it in a moment. The wife wants to know why I just can't wear the clothes and forget the hormones and surgery. I could give a damn about the clothes. If the whole world wore blue jeans and t-shirts, men and women, that would be fine. It's not about the clothes. It's about the fact that internally I identify as female and my body doesn't match that construct. That depresses me beyond measure. If I am on some Mr. Toad's wild ride I would think that a couple of months of consuming HRT would clarify that for me? Is that incorrect? I can't imagine that any of the is going to be easy. Neither is living this life of quiet desperation. If I can get to the other side and set all these issues down and move on with my life, I see all the work worthwhile...For a long time I looked for a "cure". The only one I can find is transition. If anyone knows otherwise, please, please, please for God's snakes, tell me. I decided long ago that I would rather live happily as a homely trans-woman with the derision that will come from that, rather than be an average looking male with the automatic respect from being older and white that naturally comes with that. I'm a tough woman.....I can take the heat if the pay off is that I'm happy. I keep hearing being trans is a "hell of thing" and I shouldn't do it all costs? Why? What choice do I have feeling the way I do? I'm lost, I'm scared, I'm pushing forward. If the decision is wrong, I'm sure that epiphany will rear its head soon enough. If all I am is a delusional cross dresser in a pink fog, I'm going to guess the HRT will snap me out of my fantasy soon enough.
Please keep it coming guys....this is why I'm here. I appreciate everyone's valuable time. I understand this is a tough, crazy journey. If I didn't have to take it, I wouldn't. If it turns out to be wrong decision (I can't imagine how), I won't. Lisa



Lisa
Welcome! I know that feeling of wanting to do everything yesterday once I truly accepted the truth. I started hair removal, came out and began HRT and am now about 6 weeks away from SRS. This was over the last 2 and a half years. However, I realized today that I want to make sure I savor and remember all of these moments. This journey although so difficult is so rewarding in many unexpected ways. I don't want to miss any of those in my rush to be me!
Suzanne


Good Luck Suzanne....you are beautiful! I hope your SRS goes off as planned and you get the results you hope for! I'm excited for you! Lisa

[Zooey]

If all I am is a delusional cross dresser in a pink fog, I'm going to guess the HRT will snap me out of my fantasy soon enough.

Just to be clear, I wasn't suggesting that you're a "delusional cross dresser".

HRT won't fix that - it's far from a magic pill, especially later in life - but living as a woman will. That's why it's so important to start living your life authentically. Going from thinking about an image of the woman you want to be, to being the woman you actually are, is a tough thing.

There's no way to do it but to, well, do it.

[jentay1367]

Naaah....that was just me thinking out loud, Zooey. For the longest time that was just me thinking out loud. I didn't think anyone threw that stone. For a long time, my shelter was, like you say in your blog, just a kink. But it isn't. So here I am dealing with it. I agree, fantasizing about being a woman and living as one are worlds apart. Unfortunately, I live in a small mid-western bible belty kind of area and a man running around in women's attire of any kind, could quite literally, get me beaten up. If I lived in say, Portland or Menlo Park, like you, I would brave the elements. Here....sympathies are few. I have talked to the wife and we are considering selling the house and moving to a more tolerant and sympathetic enlightened environment. That takes time. Although I know HRT is no magic bullet, I also know it helps, regardless of age. So I have to tailor a plan that works for me. There is nothing more I'd love than to live in San Francisco and go out and begin interacting, but I don't. Hence my plan to start with therapy, electrolysis and HRT and moving on from there. My circumstances of being retired and having the finances allow me some latitude and I intend on taking advantage of it. But we vehemently agree. You want to be a woman? Quit fantasizing and go be one. I'm on the path and it feels good to have some direction...any direction. . Thanks for your reply. Lisa

[Badtranny]

well, ...if you guys are going to throw my name around I may as well throw in my 2 cents. :-)

I wish you the best Jen, I really do. It looks like you have your head on straight, and good for you for not being sensitive and getting your feelings hurt on this thread. You may say that nobody's been mean yet, but I've seen people get upset and storm out over much much less for sure. That speaks well for your transition potential because trying to follow your heart is not easy, and transition is definitely not for sissies. You'll need thick skin and any of these girls will tell you that it will get thicker every year. I'm mostly skin now. 80lbs of bones and 120lbs of thick rugged skin.

The bad consequences Lea mentioned are too numerous to mention, but they all stem from being out and about in the world. You've already retired so that's a HUGE advantage. It's always been funny to me that the only people who don't think coming out at work is unbelievably difficult, are people who haven't done it.

My only advice is to chillax. If I had to do it all over again, I can't say for sure that I would. I am really happy now in many ways, but being a trans woman is hard. It's always hard. I'm another single 48 year old woman competing for available men, but I'm a lil bit taller than average, and a lil bit bigger than average. I am one of the lucky ones because I pass (mostly) but I do get a lot of second looks because of my size and I'm not THAT big. Most of us are going to look a bit different. That's the life.

The truth is, I don't advise anyone to do it. You need to have the grit of Rooster Cogburn to do it where you live, but even in my area (where I moved to explore my issues) it's no walk in the park. Keep your head, and mind the gap, because when you start coming out to people, this whole thing will get realer than you can imagine.

[jentay1367]

Thanks for the encouragement Misty, I appreciate it. I'm a tough old broad and as they say, if you're not smart, you need to be tough. I don't have a problem with reality checkers and gate keepers. If your going to do something like this, somebody needs to throw up some road blocks for God's sake. I look forward to meeting you someday and buying you a beer or 5 while I whine to you about how badly I've been treated.
All my best....Lisa

[lauren_m]

This is a great thread. Wishing you all the best, Lisa! Godspeed!

[LeaP]

Lisa, on your HRT question…

Though HRT reactions are often viewed as validating (or not), to be completely honest all they REALLY do is tell you whether or not you tolerate HRT! There are trans people who cannot, for one reason or another, tolerate HRT. There are plenty of people who have transitioned without it, including some here. That said, most cis-gender people do not tolerate a change in hormones well and most trans people thrive on the appropriate hormones. The bottom line is that you can use your reaction to HRT as just one more indicator, but it is not definitive.

[jentay1367]

Thanks Lea! That's good information. Definitely gives me something to consider and be ready for should it come to that. I appreciate your taking your time to tell me that. Lisa




This is a great thread. Wishing you all the best, Lisa! Godspeed!

Thanks for the well wishes Lauren. I hope for the best for me too!

- - - Updated - - -

That is tragic Angela. I'm so sorry. The cost for us to be ourselves can be brutal. My heart just breaks for you. Hopefully, your kids come around at some point and realize you simply had no choice. Life can be so unfair. Lisa

[Angela Campbell]

I'm not complaining, much more went good than went bad. Miss my kids though

[jentay1367]

Well, I'm pretty excited. I took the first step and made an appointment with an accredited Gender Therapist. I don't see her till May 3rd, but I'm going to stick with this weekly till she gets me into the Endo and I can move on from here. I've been stuck for so long. It's a small step but I feel like it's the first day of my life. I'm really excited! Who knew my life would begin at 57? Wish me luck everyone. Lisa

[Rianna Humble]

No step is so small that it cannot be the cause for celebration. Take it steady and let her help you to ask yourself the right questions.

[Marcelle]

Hi Lisa,

Well it definitely seems you have a plan and the decision to "pull the pin on the Tranny Grenade (TM)" is not one to take lightly. Some folks suffer little others suffer a lot (both physically and emotionally) but I am sure you have read that as you have been lurking here for some time. I understand your angst to "fast track" as I went through a quick "flash to bang" moment and pushing 52 I felt that clock ticking away. I think the first step of working with a therapist is a great step as this person should help bring order to chaos and focus your journey. Getting out in the world is another great step as it prepares you for that hard dose of reality that many here have experienced. I transitioned in place so one day I was a man a work (Canadian military), went on two weeks leave allowing for education to be disseminated to my unit then showed up as a woman . . . for me that is when things got very real.

Much like LeaP indicated, I had a concept of what I thought would occur A leads to B which leads to C all the way to Z but, as time moved forward and I did a lot of internal soul searching, I realized that each person's transition is different, there is no one path to "Z" only your path. So I focused on being a woman in the world, what that meant to me and I found it had nothing to do with the clothing, how I looked or how people saw me . . . it was about being comfortable in my own skin and what I needed to do to achieve that comfort. I don't pass, never will and have opted (at present . . . never say never) against HRT or surgeries for various personal and health related issues . . . however, I still see myself as a woman. That is my journey to "Z" which is probably not the same as yours.

All this to say, good luck in, take things at a pace that is comfortable for you. If your wife is still with you as mine is, keep her in the loop and keep communicating as absence of information in either direction can lead to some serious misunderstandings (been there, done that, got the t-shirt).

Cheers

Marcelle

[Badtranny]

I don't pass, never will and have opted (at present . . . never say never) against HRT or surgeries for various personal and health related issues . . . however, I still see myself as a woman. That is my journey to "Z" which is probably not the same as yours.

Again I feel the need to point out that Marcelle is 100% OUT. Her path is different (like everyone else's) but she is still facing her issues right out in the open. No secrets. No hiding.

This Transition thing isn't about "becoming a woman" it's about becoming YOU. Many of us have spent a lifetime in complete denial of something. Stop denying that thing and start living your life openly embracing that thing.

[jentay1367]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply Marcelle. If in fact, you don't pass, you'd never tell it from your photo. I definitely do not pass. Can I.....down the road? Time will tell. My actual intent for going to a Therapist is not so much to find out if I'm a Woman as I unfotunately came to the realization a long while back that I am, rather I am looking for a resource outlet to traverse the WPATH as I live in the midwest and resources aren't readily available. The overriding war cry is to get out there and live your life as the Woman you were meant to be. On one level, I agree. But where I live, that could be outright foolhardy and dangerous. I may be a Woman, but I look like a man in a dress. Not condusive to my physical health. I am quite fortunate in that I do not have to do this as trial by fire. I have been blessed to have the financial means as well as a loving partner to take this in the steps I see fit. My Wife has been gracious enough to go with my program and not tell anyone, till I am ready. This allows me some lattitude to take things in a measured manner. My intent is to get confirmation from the therapist, get on hrt and wait a year or so while still presenting at home as female and in public as male. Some facial surgery at that point and hopefully a move to a more tolerant community and then I will happily walk into the world as Lisa and take my verbal and physical beating if that's what is in store. I have the choice, so I am going to take it. I don't personally give a damn what people I don't know, think about me. The only person that mattered in that regard knows and still loves me. Will I lose friends? Maybe.......their choice. But people I don't know? Who cares. My life and I'm finally getting to live it as me. So no amount of verbal abuse is going to matter. Can't stand the sight of me???, give me the opportunity, and I'll get out of your vision as soon as I possibly can. I don't have to depend on acceptance of co-workers or employers so it makes my journey infinitely easier. I'll let you guys know more once I've made some in-roads with the Therapist. Cross your fingers for me, please. You know..... It feels good to be heading in this direction. But when it doesn't, I'm a pragmatic enough girl to change course. Plus, I got you guys to keep me sober!!! L.O.L. (no getting drunk on pink fog allowed around here!)
Bless all of you. Even though I am a dyed in the wool atheist, bless you all anyways. Lisa

- - - Updated - - -


No step is so small that it cannot be the cause for celebration. Take it steady and let her help you to ask yourself the right questions.

Thanks Rianna! I will. Hopefully she understands I'm well into this journey and becomes a good partner on my path.