An interesting 15 seconds...

[Heather_Shirly]

Hello all! Have t posted in awhile but I just felt I had to share a sort of bitter sweet moment I had today.

So I was running around doing my food shopping today one of my stops was the beer store which was pretty routine save for the lady I got to open and hold the door for. So as I leave the store I see good looking women approcing through the glass so I do the polite thing to do and step out of the way and hold the door open for her. She says thank you and I say your welcome and smile at each other and she goes on her way. I knew and I wish she knew that we enjoyed the same hobby. She was 100% passable and very well dressed I guess it just takes one to know one sometimes...

I very much wanted to go and talk to her and introduce myself but I didn't and got in the car and went on with my errands. i didn't for a few reasons. One I didn't want to out her or make her feel awkward or interrupt her day and of course there is my own nervousness about strangers.

As I was getting in the car I did smile to myself becuse we both where wearing panties and she didn't know it! I really wanted to tell her how amazing it was that she has found the courage to dress in public in the day as I haven't found that yet and that she really gave me some inspiration that I felt I was missing for awhile.

Then as I was driving away I got to thinking... What is the correct etiquette? I am thinking I did the right thing? Thoughts?

And hey on the slim chance that she is reading this I wanted to say thanks for the inspiration you have to me today and it is awesome that there are other crossdressers in this small town, just need to figure out where they all are hanging out! And good job on the outfit you look great!

[Georgette_USA]

I think you did the correct thing. In my 4 instances it would have been insulting to the other person. If you felt that good, you could have just acknowledged how nice she looked. Most ALL women enjoy a compliment from others. Gives one a smile for the rest of the day.
You did not say why you felt that way. What is meant by "very well dressed". I have felt that way about others, but would never make a first remark. It could be embarrassing for both of you.

1) If she is a CD acknowledging that would not help HER confidence.
2) She may have been a TG/TS and that may have ruined HER confidence. That is always a problem when going thru transition.
3) She may have been a GG and that would have been really bad for you. Like asking someone like me with a larger stomach if they are pregnant.
4) As a older TS for 40 years and I feel 100% passable. I think I always dress well, not like many women my age. Not sure how I would feel for someone to call me out, as that has never happened.

I am glad that it gave you inspiration and hope that one day you may have the confidence to do the same, but how would you feel if it was you.

[Nadine Spirit]

I think you did the right thing. What is correct etiquette? I think it depends on the time, place, situation, conversation opener.... any number of variables. I am always willing to speak with people, but if the opening line is "hey we both have on panties," that would be really weird!

Oh and just a thought..... often people don't want to get out during the day because they think if they are not 100% passable then bad things might happen. Well, despite what you said, being as you knew that she was transgender, she was therefore not 100% passable. My point simply being.... even when someone is not 100% passable (which includes just about everyone) its okay!

[Jenniferathome]

...She was 100% passable and very well dressed....

but you spotted her.

Sorry, but "takes one to know one" just doesn't work. I always find it interesting that cross dressers here always seem to be able to spot "100% passable" cross dressers or transpeople. Puzzling. The passing bar is just too high. Living a comfortable, confident life, is not nearly as high a bar.

[Rachelakld]

No, No, No

Please if you ever see me
Say
"hi"
also
"lovely outfit, I have one simular at home"

This woulod probably open up a lovely friendship between us

[reb.femme]

Best to smile, small compliment possibly but leave it at that. Many points already made here.

I wanted to say hello to a young androgynous guy on a train once, but at 56 years of age, he would have seen some weird old git trying his luck. Glad I left it, on reflection.

Becky

[Lauri K]

I agree with others it's best to smile and otherwise conduct your business as normal, however if the situation is appropriate I would chat them up and give them a warm accepting conversation to interact with me if they chose too.

As for passing, it's totally over rated......and it doesn't really matter that much, just do the best you can and dress / act as close to passing as you can but never let it keep you at home. (Also don't take this to mean you can go out wearing a beard, hairy legs / arms, that's not what I am saying here)

But you will be amazed the results if you follow this easy advice and plus you will be a whole lot more relaxed

[I Am Paula]

This subject comes up once a month. Unless you are at an event with a banner across the door that says 'Welcome trans- folk', there is only ONE protocol. DO NOTHING. Smile, as you would to anybody else, and go on your way.
Acknowledging a trans person in the wild IS outing them. First rule of transness- Never freakin' out somebody.
If this is a woman in transition, all you will be doing is saying 'I see you', and that can be a blow to the self esteem.

[SheriM]

Doing or saying nothing is certainly acceptable, however, I see nothing wrong with "nice skirt" or "I like your shoes". I've never had a guy offer a complement, however a complement from a woman is most appreciated. I was once approached by a gent that offered a complement about my figure and then said he could only under dress, while showing me his panties. It was in a clothing store and I was browsing.

[Amy Lynn3]

This is just a thought and maybe if we are out and see another one of us and we are placed in a spot to converse with a sister, what if ? What if we said something like : I love the way you are dressed and wondered where your cloths are purchased ? After they answer, we might say something like : the next time I am out shopping I will check there.

It would break the ice, as well as saying I buy female clothing and gives the sister an opportunity to respond with any comment she feels comfortable with.:2c:

[phili]

Now I have come out, I realized that transgender feelings are diverse and everyone's focus is different. My goal is to be accepted as who I am, without any discussion needed, so I can take part in society in a natural and positive way. I like it when someone sincerely compliments my choice of dress, but it is just as rewarding to simply feel that the person has made the decision that I am harmless, friendly, and interesting as a person without focus on my gender. If someone wanted to tell me that they wished they could do what I am doing, I would be ok with that, and I would encourage them to understand what kind of relaxation of gender norms they needed to feel more whole. I am a lot happier now than when I lived with the dual identity split - outer=tough guy jeans and plain shirt/inner= princess lace! Now I can enjoy both as appropriate without feeling split. The more natural I am the more natural others find themselves free to be as well.

What is it you are wishing you had accomplished in that moment? Also, try thinking about the messages your eyes sent as you held the door...

[I Am Paula]

You may compliment a trans girl. Just like any other woman. Nice shoes, is fine. You cannot say 'I know your secret', or talk about how you present on the gender scale. Just don't. There are plenty of forums to talk on the internet, or support groups, that you don't need to talk on the street.

[suzanne]

What works on anyone you meet is to pay them a compliment. Something simple like, "I like your shoes" or whatever other article they may be wearing. It may or may not start a conversation, but it will never offend.

[Jenny22]

Question: If the person you saw / met was clearly a male representing as a female, would it be appropriate to say something like, "you've more courage than I have"?

[Jenniferathome]

I'd like to pose a different angle on this:

When is the last time you or anyone you know, when dressed as a guy, made a casual remark about a strange women's attire or hair?

It would be quite socially abnormal to do so. Women can compliment women, guys might even give the old "high-5" to another guy who is wearing a favorite team jersey kind of thing, but a dude complimenting a strange women in passing, is really odd. I've never done it and never seen it done. It's a different story if I am sitting next to a woman on a plane or something. But as a "drive by"... no way

[Nadine Spirit]

Jennifer, you know I am more than a bit different than the average fellow, even while presenting as a male, so take this for what it is worth, but I compliment random strangers, mostly women, all of the time! And it is always appreciated and never has someone been upset with me for doing it, or they at least never told me they were upset about it. But again, it depends on the circumstance and the comment. I have never gone up to a woman, any woman, and said, 'hey I've got on panties also!' But I have said to many of them, 'I love your: hair, purse, jewelry, clothing, etc.' Maybe it is accepted from me though because I present in such a gender non-conforming manner, regardless of which gender I am presenting. Hmm.....

[Jenniferathome]

I can certainly accept that if done well (honestly), the compliment will be appreciated. But would the average woman think "compliment" or "come on" ?

I think that your androgynous style might make such thing more acceptable. Even more so, the stereotypical, "gay man knows style" sort of vibe. Would an obviously gay man or androgynous man, tilt the woman's perception toward compliment, because a common on is more unlikely?

I wonder, if out of fear of being perceived as a come on, I might be avoiding such a thing? Kind of like asking a woman if she is pregnant. You just can't risk it until the 3rd trimester;-)

[Diversity]

I think you did the right thing by not saying anything. It hurt no one by keeping quiet. Also, by not having said anything, you may have automatically given a quiet compliment to this person and also another bit of confidence, should she need it.
I know that when I go out, if no one says anything to me, I feel better as I know I am not drawing attention to myself and must be presenting myself alright, as I don't try to seek attention.
Di

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I feel you did the right thing, as no one was made uncomfortable by your silence. In fact you may have actually paid this person a compliment by not saying anything, as it may have made this person feel that he was dressed well enough to pas and may have also given a boost of confidence to this individual.
I know that I am in my infancy of going out dressed, and the less attention I get the better it is for me.
Di

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I feel you did the right thing, as no one was made uncomfortable by your silence. In fact you may have actually paid this person a compliment by not saying anything, as it may have made this person feel that he was dressed well enough to pas and may have also given a boost of confidence to this individual.
I know that I am in my infancy of going out dressed, and the less attention I get the better it is for me.
Di

[josie_S]

Yes, never out someone "in the wild," even if you mean well, and I think you meant well, Heather. I know you did! In fact it must have been so exciting to see a kindred spirit where you didn't expect to or in the course of your normal routine. I would have had the same impulse, but like you I wouldn't have done anything about it. But for some of us (me), being trans/crossdressing has been such an isolating experience that seeing yourself (or a part of yourself) in your normal life is thrilling and of course you'd want to acknowledge and celebrate it! Even so, you did the right thing...I just wanted to tell you I understand why you wanted to introduce yourself :)

[Megan G]

I believe people have covered this quite well about not "outing" someone..

My only comment comes from something that was originally written when you said "you share the same hobby". While this might be totally cool if you say it to a crossdresser, if you said this to me or most likely any TS woman you run into it it would not be a pretty response.

This is not a hobby to us, it's our life...everyday 24/7 life..

[Jaymees22]

I too think you did the right thing. I believe I've seen a few of us here and there and admired the fact that they are braver and better at this than I am. I often wonder if I have seen one of us without realizing, that would be the ultimate compliment.

[deebra]

Heather I agree with Racheal in thread 5 and Nadine in thread 16. As Racheal said why pass up an opportunity to start a friendship and approach it smartly like Nadine said and does. I compliment women all the time and they appreciate it, it's sincere. I spoke to another Cd in WalMart one morning when we were both dressed and it went very well. Next time if you can come up with a nice ice breaker don't let the opportunity get away, there are so very few of us.

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Let me add one more thing, I have been in several shoe stores trying on and walking in women's shoes and received compliments from sales assistants and customers, I felt they were sincere and I appreciated them very much and told them so.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Like Jennifer said, around here a man making a comment about a woman's appearance, where the woman is a stranger, would be seem very odd. Maybe around here it is a "NY thing" (people being wary of strangers)... but it would be seen as showing interest or hitting on the woman (and saying anything about a woman's appearance would be a huge no-no in the workplace.)

[I Am Paula]

Compliment away...anything you like...hair....clothing...purse. Just don't out them. The 'cross dresser' you see may really be trying hard. This thread could have died by about the third response because there is only one answer. Don't out them!!!!

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'd like to pose a different angle on this:

When is the last time you or anyone you know, when dressed as a guy, made a casual remark about a strange women's attire or hair?

It would be quite socially abnormal to do so. Women can compliment women, guys might even give the old "high-5" to another guy who is wearing a favorite team jersey kind of thing, but a dude complimenting a strange women in passing, is really odd. I've never done it and never seen it done. It's a different story if I am sitting next to a woman on a plane or something. But as a "drive by"... no way




Like Jennifer said, around here a man making a comment about a woman's appearance, where the woman is a stranger, would be seem very odd. Maybe around here it is a "NY thing" (people being wary of strangers)... but it would be seen as showing interest or hitting on the woman (and saying anything about a woman's appearance would be a huge no-no in the workplace.)


Sorry, but I have to disagree. You're missing almost the best part of being a CD.

I complement random women quite often, and usually get a very good response. Sometimes, even better than that.

I complimented a GG in the elevator about her perfume. After thanking me, she told me the brand name in very specific detail, even spelling out the Japanese designers name (Hanae Mori Blue Butterfly).

I complimented a woman in Trader Joe's on her shoes. She told me where she bought them.

I complimented a woman in the super market about her pendant necklace. She told me she got it in Hawaii.

I jokingly complimented another woman in the supermarket about how small a handbag (almost a wristlet) she was carrying, and she told me she had just came from the gym, and she always takes a wristlet there.

Maybe they thought I was gay, maybe they thought I was looking for something for my wife, maybe they even guessed that I was a CD, or maybe they just thought that I was an evolved guy. I didn't care. It was an honest complement, even though I really wanted what they were wearing.

[AnnieMac]

I've done it in my normal "dude-like" manner. Was at an airport Starbucks waiting for my coffee, as was this lovely lady, waiting for hers. All I said to her while waiting was hey "cool shoes". She really loved the compliment coming from a guy she didn't know. Perhaps unusual I guess

[Robin414]

I like to look at it from the other direction...I'm the 'chic' and I see a guy and I totally clock him...ya, you're CD 😉

I find it tough to present full femme when I come across guys as compared to other women but that little mind trick helps ease the anxiety (and I don't doubt I've been right on a couple occasions as well 😉 )

I know I don't pass, I ☆#@%@**$@$ WAY too much for a girl 😂

[AllieSF]

My experience is the same as Sometimes Steffi and Nadine, totally positive with some wonderful and interesting conversations at that moment and the next time we run into each other, wherever that may be. I do this wherever I am, San Francisco, Michigan, Denver, Sacramento, CA, airplanes, hotels, restaurants, wherever. As to whether it is interpreted as a come on, is totally dependent on who receives the compliment and how the compliment was delivered. A lot has top do with the tone of voice, actual words used, follow on comments and conversation and whether you are looking them in the eyes and smiling. Obviously, typical lecherous comments will not get good results, but nice and real ones most likely will. I too believe that many people are just missing out on meeting new people when they do not compliment others. So, if you feel like complimenting someone, male or female, do it. I will bet that you will have much more success than not.

Another way to look at it, is that maybe they want compliments, especially when wearing a new dress or outfit, or wearing that special perfume. A friend of mine from the coffee shop when he was in college realized that there were a lot of attractive woman out there that most males were just too afraid to talk with. Sound familiar? Well, he started talking with the cutest girls around and ended up dating a lot of them. In high school, he was one of those who were afraid to talk to the good looking girls and hardly ever dated anyone.

As to complimenting another trans girl or guy, why not? I do agree that it needs to be honest and real. I would not talk about anything "T" related unless the other person brought it up first. I run into a lot of trans women and men while out in San Francisco and surrounds. I treat them as another human being and that seems to work fine for both of us.

[steftoday]

It's been my experience that random, honest compliments are almost always appreciated and accepted. I do it all the time.

[Beverley Sims]

Two things here,

New York, don't engage in conversation unless it is with a sales assistant.

Smiling is also risky.

In London never try to engage in conversation on the tube.

In this situation even eye contact could be counted as harassment.