would you talk to your gf's gay cousin about your "hobbie?"

[ashleylady]

my gf has a gay cousin, who is a nice guy.
hes very familiar with the gay community here in los angeles. im thinking of talking to him about places I can go for support and guidance for dressing. I know hes kool, but im worried he might go talk to my gf about it.
how would u, or would u even approach him?

[grace7777]

Not knowing the guy it is hard for me to say whether or not you should tell him. Regardless of whether you tell him, if you plan on getting serious with your girlfriend, then you definitely need to tell her. There are many stories on this board about people getting married and not telling their spouses, only to have the spouse find out after marriage causing a lot greater problems than if they had disclosed before marriage. Plus if you tell him and she finds out without you telling her, the odds are she will not react well.

[paulaprimo]

hi Ashley and welcome to the forum. :)

unless you're not worried about being outed, either accidentally or on purpose
i would suggest not talking to him about it. "nice" does not mean he would not out
you. his loyalty just might be to his cousin!
i was going to give you a number of reason why not to, but the fact you said
that you're worried about him telling your gf, i think, answers the question for you.

good luck with whatever you decide... :)

[bridget thronton]

I agree GF first then see if she minds you talking to her cousin

[Stephanie47]

If you're not comfortable telling your girlfriend about your cross-dressing, then I recommend keeping your secret from anyone else. As already mentioned you may generate a little discord with your girlfriend by not telling her, and, I'd say to tell her cousin before her...well...she may be doubly irritated with you. I'm sure in a city as large a L.A. you can find cross-dressing "support and guidance." If you mean "support and guidance" in the sense of a support group, I don't necessarily believe a gay man would know where to go.

[Rachelakld]

Talk to your girlfriend first
and if your really serious with this girlfriend, then you really NEED to talk to her anyway.

[Amber83]

I agree with the other ladies. Talk to your gf first. If this is a serious relationship she needs to find out from you and only you. She might have worse feelings if she finds out from her cousin. Talk to her and she could be very accepting about it. But if you can't talk to her about it, then keep your CD side in the closet.

[Marcelle]

Hi Ashley and welcome! You don't mention if your gf knows about your cross dressing. If she knows then I would talk to her about telling her cousin as she knows him better. While folks from the LGBT community tend to be more supportive/understanding it does not mean they all are as they are human and have their own prejudices. I have a friend who is gay and I thought she would be very supportive when I came out as TS but she was completely put off and said she just doesn't get that side of the community . . . so we don't talk much anymore.

If your intent is not to tell your gf, then I suggest you hold off talking to anyone close to her as once you tell that person, it is plausible they could out (intentionally or accidently) to your gf.

Cheers

Marcelle

[alwayshave]

Ashley, I'm not sure what a gay cousin would know about crossdressing. I'd keep my powder dry on this one.

[Rhonda Darling]

Echoing Marcelle and Jamie, dont think that the fact that we're the T in LGBT means that the LGB component gets us. While some of us are gay, the majority of Ts seem to be heterosexual. Ive thought of telling my new wife's gay son and his partner, but some off hand comments her son once made indicated both a total ignorance about our community, and also no apparent desire to understand us. Hes young enough to have no knowledge, save perhaps annecdotal, of the history and the struggles of the gay/lesbian rights movement -- so I expect he sees no parallels.

Bottom line, dont confide in him unless you tell your GF first.

Rhonda

[Mykaa]

My past experience with an SO finding out and you not telling is not good. Mine was ok at first but it later turned into a tool for her to use against me. Believe me, very, very unpleasant.

[Krisi]

My standard rule is to tell only those who need to know. Your girlfriend needs to know if this is a serious relationship. Your girlfriend's cousin does not need to know and he may well tell your girlfriend if she doesn't already know.

The short answer is, don't tell him or mention anything about it.

[Kate Simmons]

Why, are you gay? Just wondering. In my experience gay folks usually don't think a whole lot of of CDers in general.

[Lori Kurtz]

Do you want your gf to know? If not, I don't think you should tell the cousin. The most certain way to keep your secret is to not tell anyone. I agree with the others, though, who suggest that if you're serious about this gf, you SHOULD tell her.

[I Am Paula]

Google will probably give you much better answers. Most gay men stay a healthy distance away from CD's, and I can't imagine why he would know where to go for help, or guidance.

[Jenniferathome]

Why would a gay person understand cross dressing ? Likely what they know of cross dressing is Drag, like any person.

[sometimes_miss]

The number of people that know a secret in order for it to remain a secret? ONE.

Need to know basis. Only you can decide who needs to know. Once you tell, the rest of the world could find out tomorrow.

As far as telling the girlfriend, there are tons of threads about this. Despite the kind stories here about things all working out well, there are far more of us who have no one permanent in our lives, because of crossdressing. The vast majority of women don't consider it something they can tolerate in a boyfriend or husband. Most of us have faced this dilemma at some point, and we don't envy you having to decide on how to proceed. But in no case should you talk to her cousin about it first, unless you think he could help you talk to her about it, to reinforce the idea that YOU aren't gay. Maybe that would help. But it all depends on the individuals involved. Having been through this, I don't envy you at all.

Good luck. You're going to need it.

[Beverley Sims]

I would be inclined to come clean with my girlfriend first.

[Tracii G]

Welcome first off.
Just because he is gay doesn't mean anything.
I think you should talk with your GF first because its her opinion that matters not his.

[itsnormy]

the question prompts a question. Talk to the gay cousin from what point of your hobby. Are you looking to incite a "happening," are you curious about sex with a man, do you want your GF to invite the cousin to a party ? From my perspective there is no answer, until there are more specifics of what your motivation may be !

[Tracii G]

It was stated she was looking for support not a sexual encounter.

[gina shiney]

Like a few other poster's IF you must have to tell someone other than those here, your gf would have to know before anyone else that SHE knows is told. My personal experance is that the gay community is not very accepting in this.(they understand same sex not gender reversel) there are also people within the "crossdressing community" that also have some pretty narrow bias. Check out some posts. Good luck with your decision and welcome.
Gina

[SabrinaEmily]

It's not a hobby for me, and I don't believe that's a good description for many people. Usually, that's a rationalization.

Sure, I'd talk to my girlfriend's gay cousin about being trans, but I'd talk to my girlfriend about it first. If it were me, I probably would have talked to her about it before she became my girlfriend. But now's the time to do it, and make no mistake, you need to tell her. Hiding doesn't work.

[AnnieMac]

No, gay guys don't really get crossdressing.

[GenieGirl]

If he is a good cousin I think he would tell her period for her best interest. So unless you want her to know don't tell him.

[Bobbi46]

Regarding some of the threads here I have avery good friend who is TG m>f and who is also lesbian as well and she was the first person I told because I could not hold back my secret any longer, as regards gay people not understanding/accepting us my friend has become an even closer friend as has her partner. It takes all sorts and as regards telling a gay cousin I see no problem here at all. You may find a greater degree of understanding, After all we are what we are but as someone once said "we just wired a bit different".

[Vickie_CDTV]

The gay cousin probably does not know much about support for trans people. Google will probably be able to point you to any trans support available in your area.

As for the girlfriend, well, as this site proves, you fail to tell her at your own peril.

[Krisi]

...............Sure, I'd talk to my girlfriend's gay cousin about being trans, but I'd talk to my girlfriend about it first. .

There is a world of difference between crossdressing and being "trans". A world of difference.

[mykell]

hi ashley, you really dont need too talk to him, but that decision is ultimately up to you,
http://www.pflagla.org/home2.html
http://www.lgbt.ucla.edu/transresources.html
i can recommend p-flag as i attend a group here, i feel comfortable and go dressed female or male,
they have a transgender group which i attend and IS inclusive of CDers, they are part of the umbrella definition,
some dont seem to understand that we are the T of LGBT

[SabrinaEmily]

There is a world of difference between crossdressing and being "trans". A world of difference.

They're points along a spectrum. There is not "a world of difference", not even if you had said it three times and clicked your heels together.

At any given time, some people who identify tentatively as "crossdressers" and even some who are sure they are just crossdressers, it's just a hobby, will never transition, etc., will end up transitioning. Others don't transition, but come to different identities that fit under the trans umbrella. Others don't, in part because they hide in the back of their closet, possibly somewhere in Narnia, and try to hide it even from themselves, let alone their romantic partners, let alone the world. Some people just want to wear the clothes culturally associated with the other sex, and crossdress because they perceive it as less socially unacceptable than openly wearing what they want. And I know I haven't covered everyone here.

I see a world, but not of difference.

And to bring this back on topic, I can't imagine there's anything in the differences you see between crossdressing and being trans that justifies telling your girlfriend's gay cousin before your girlfriend.

[rah]

if i have somthing to hide from my gf her gay cousin would be the last person i would share it with no matter how nice he/she maybe because one thing that gay people can't keep is a secret

[I Am Paula]

Rah, where do you get this crap? I'm offended, as are millions of other gay people who can keep a secret. Do you lie in bed thinking this stuff up?

[rah]

BAHGOD! i wish you had a little bit of sense of humor, jeez why are you always butt hurt!!

[I Am Paula]

This is only the second time I've replied to one of your posts. The first time you were spewing such vile uninformed nonsense, that this time I didn't recognize the roll on the floor humor.

[Lorileah]

Back off you two, take it to PM.

[flatlander_48]

al:

The short answer is: NO

The long answer is it doesn't really have anything to do with trustworthiness. The problem is that in spite of how people may be serious about keeping your confidence, mistakes happen and your story can get out. In that situation, you have lost control of the narrative and you won't get it back. Once your story becomes public, there is no telling how it will get passed along or what will be said. You're at the mercy of the events as they unfold and the people who are a part of the events.

So, if you're going to tell someone, be prepared for stuff to blow up. Not saying that will happen, but it is ALWAYS a possibility.

Further, would you want your girlfriend to hear your story from You or the Grapevine?

DeeAnn

[Krisi]

They're points along a spectrum. There is not "a world of difference", not even if you had said it three times and clicked your heels together.

At any given time, some people who identify tentatively as "crossdressers" and even some who are sure they are just crossdressers, it's just a hobby, will never transition, etc., will end up transitioning. Others don't transition, but come to different identities that fit under the trans umbrella. Others don't, in part because they hide in the back of their closet, possibly somewhere in Narnia, and try to hide it even from themselves, let alone their romantic partners, let alone the world. Some people just want to wear the clothes culturally associated with the other sex, and crossdress because they perceive it as less socially unacceptable than openly wearing what they want. And I know I haven't covered everyone here.

I see a world, but not of difference..

You are entitled to your opinion of course, but you are wrong. Many, perhaps most crossdressers are just that, crossdressers. Men who enjoy dressing as women from time to time. Some just do the panties or bra, some go all out, but they (we) are simply crossdressers, nothing more.

[Pat]

Many, perhaps most crossdressers are just that, crossdressers. Men who enjoy dressing as women from time to time.

Um... sure. Are you making a pitch that men who are "just" crossdressers aren't on the transgender spectrum? Despite the fact that they're engaging in a behavior that cis-gender males find completely baffling? Or are you saying that, yes, they're transgender but just crossdressers and not just "unripened" transsexuals? The latter stance makes perfect sense to me, the former leaves me scratching my head.

[Krisi]

I'm saying that they like to wear women's clothes from time to time. That makes them crossdressers, nothing more. That's about as simple as I can state it.

Sometimes, things are just as they seem, nothing more.

[CONSUELO]

Some gays are quite accepting of cross dressers. Others not so much. I am guessing that you would really like to confide in someone and believe that this person to be a trustworthy confidante. However just because he is gay does not mean he is a good person in which to confide. You need to think it through carefully and find other reasons to believe he is a good choice.

As for strange comments about gays not being able to keep a secret I can only say; where the heck did that come from?

[Pat]

I'm saying that they like to wear women's clothes from time to time. That makes them crossdressers, nothing more.

So, just your absolute, regular, cis-gender guy who happens to own a wig, breast forms, hip pads, a few dresses and supporting garments and likes to wear them from time to time, maybe put on some makeup and go out to another town sometimes. Not much different than taking up golf or fly fishing, really. Nope, you explained it perfectly. My bad.

[Mink]

My personal experance is that the gay community is not very accepting in this
Gina

yeah well we're here

and it's clear

THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET USED TO IT!