Mothers acceptance

[PennyNZ]

I am approaching pension time - 65 at the end of the year. As I have said before, I went 24x7 in August last year

The last close person to me I told was my Mother whom I told in December.

She was not all shocked, as she knew my "history" up until I was 16

It can take a while though to accept, particularly when your son is now presenting presenting as her daughter, and you are 88 years old. To this day, when I visit her (an hours flight) I wear androgynous clothing (refuse to take off my nail polish though)

Any way, I received a letter today in which she said

Take care my boy (whoops)
love you
Mum xxxx

I know how some on this forum get upset about being called something that does not represent their current situation, but I really enjoyed her little quip, and felt it was worth sharing.

I think she getting more accepting.. which is exciting

Pen

[jentay1367]

We take our "wins" when they come, Mary. Her joking about something so semimal, is not only awesome for you, but telling of future events to come. Keep moving and keep your "eye on the prize". Lisa

[PretzelGirl]

I certainly call that acceptance. Sometimes I believe that our Mom and Dads are the toughest as they were the ones to hold us from the beginning and smile at all our accomplishments. A slight joke might have a male reference in it, but the fact that she can do it shows she is there and just gave it a motherly twist. My daughter recently started a Facebook post referring to me as "Dad" and then went "she" throughout. Perfect. I am her Dad and in the context of this post, it was entirely appropriate. And I don't mind it at all (I am quite out, so that helps). There are times that certain words can be used and it is well within the context.

[PennyNZ]

thank you Sue. Your comment about your daughter on Facebook is priceless. Love it

I have not come out on Facebook yet, and I have pleasantly surprised that someone without thinking, has not said anything referring in some small way to my change. That gives me a sense that I am respected by my friends and that is nice because my closer friends on Facebook all know.

If we have had children, we will always be Dad or Granddad to their children. My daughter is expecting her second this week - so exciting !!

Pen

[Badtranny]

wait what?

24x7 since last August but you're not out on Facebook?

Is this a new thing with transitioners now? It used to be they would "come out" on Facebook, but be closeted in real life.

So you're closeted on Facebook and "out" in real life?

[Zooey]

You may find that some people here (including myself) tend to be a bit dubious about people who do things like claim to be "out" but also "not out". You don't owe anybody anything, but the inverse is also true.

For one, it's confusing - Hiding who you are somewhere is kinda the definition of NOT being out.

For two, it makes my Spider Sense™ tingle...

259700

You'll see similar discussions here about how "full time except..." is not the same as "full time". Which, again, is why it's confusing when somebody says "full-time, 24/7, etc." and then is not out somewhere. How does that work?

[PennyNZ]

You must be new here... :)

New for some, but have been "lurking" here for nearly 2 years

I understand what you say Melissa, but I don't worry too much about that. I have been called a "fraud" before in a private email by someone who felt that I was making things up in one of my irregular posts. I was a little offended at the time, but life is too short to be worried about such things. I know where I am going.


You'll see similar discussions here about how "full time except..." is not the same as "full time". Which, again, is why it's confusing when somebody says "full-time, 24/7, etc." and then is not out somewhere. How does that work?

I have seen those sorts of posts, but in the end no one can agree to a definition of being full time. One post I have seen advocates that if you have not legally had your name changed (I have actually started that process) or your drivers license still has your original male name - you cannot be "full time". It is just a load of nonsense that self opinionated folk try and force their ideas on others.

Please don't get me wrong. I do appreciate a heap of sensible advice that a lot of contributors on this forum offer (including yourself). Without it, I would still be bumbling around wondering what to do next in my transition

I have read the advice "every one is different and progress will be made according to an individuals own needs", or "it is not a race" (or words like that) time and time again.

For me, it has been very good advice

Pen

[Zooey]

Preface: I'm honestly not trying to be combative, but I want to try to explain some of what you're reacting to here.


I have seen those sorts of posts, but in the end no one can agree to a definition of being full time. One post I have seen advocates that if you have not legally had your name changed (I have actually started that process) or your drivers license still has your original male name - you cannot be "full time". It is just a load of nonsense that self opinionated folk try and force their ideas on others.

So, here is an interesting thing about those debates. Much of the time, the most dissenting opinions on what should constitute full-time come from people who are not quite "FULL TIME" yet but really, really want to be. This is a feeling I understand very well, so I don't harbor ill will towards anybody personally for it. Many of them start to think/talk a bit differently about it when they get a bit further along and cross a certain threshold.

I know I did.

And so, here we are. Terminology does matter. While there are differing opinions on the matter of what constitutes full-time, and I certainly have my own opinions as a woman on the other side of it, there is only one thing that really matters to me... If you are actively hiding your identity from anybody then you are not fully out as yourself, and you are therefore not full-time. I don't care if you have an 8th cousin thrice removed who you saw once 28 years ago who doesn't happen to know, but if you've got an active Facebook profile where you simply have chosen not to come out yet for "reasons"? Nope.

I personally don't really care if somebody has an old ID that they're still actively working on getting updated, or if they haven't received updated piece of government paper XYZ and are required to write their legal name on something. Not updating certain things definitely makes full-time much more difficult/uncomfortable, and it certainly increases the temptation to go back and forth a bit (aka NOT full time). If somebody is actively identifying themselves as one person to some people, and another person to others, then I do care. That's not full-time.


I have read the advice "every one is different and progress will be made according to an individuals own needs", or "it is not a race" (or words like that) time and time again. For me, it has been very good advice

I agree with all of that. Transition is not a race, and everybody should progress at a rate they are comfortable with and which helps them succeed. That said, there are milestones and markers measured in absolute terms, and those need to be respected so that people can understand them and relate themselves to them.

To use New Zealand references, which I had to use Google Maps for, so apologies if they're off... According to Google, it takes about 8 hours to drive from Auckland to Wellington. You don't get to say you're in Wellington when you get to, let's say, Drury - a small rural town off highway 1 - after 8 hours, just because you decided to walk instead.

[Megan G]

If you are actively hiding your identity from anybody then you are not fully out as yourself, and you are therefore not full-time. .

This sums it up quite nicely, if you are hiding your true self in any way in any part of your life (work, personal, or even online) than you are not full time.

Paperwork (name change, ID's) is something that comes with time and can be a process in itself. Not having these can make life a little uncomfortable at times but does not take away from the fact that you are living your life 100% as yourself. Besides if you think about it you could change your name from Bob to Sally but still live your life presenting as Bob. Again no one would know until you showed your ID..

I don't think one person on here would criticize anyone for doing transition at their own pace as it is an incredibly personal journey and only you will know what is right for you.

[PretzelGirl]

I do get sketchy when it comes to saying a name change is a requirement to be full time. I have one friend burdened by a bankruptcy and denied a name change. But she uses her name and lives 24/7 and is out to everyone. Another was going through her divorce and her wife had a legal order blocking the name change for better than a couple of years. She just finalized that divorce about 6 months ago and then did the name change. But in the process was totally 24/7 and a strong advocate doing speeches and teaching classes.

I love the "hiding your identity" part. That really nails it. Once you are full time, you tell everyone and live it. Legalities may take time.

[Badtranny]

I don't think one person on here would criticize anyone for doing transition at their own pace as it is an incredibly personal journey and only you will know what is right for you.

Absolutely. There is nobody here (anymore) who advocates for a specific timeline or checklist. People think I do, but you'll never find anything I actually wrote that indicates such a thing.

I only commented because of the phrase 24/7. Zooey is right. The definition of terms matter because people read these forums and never post. People read your words Mary, and form an opinion that is heavily weighted on who they THINK you are. If you are truly out 24/7 then be out and proud girl because that is an achievement. But if you are not then don't say that you are. There is NOTHING wrong with not being out, or being full time (except work) LOL. Who am I to judge your life? You gotta be what you gotta be, and I have always supported those who are doing things their own way. Let your freak flag fly baby, life is too short.

Just be honest about it and don't try to change definitions of accepted terms to suit whatever it is that you're doing.

[Georgette_USA]

Well you all have me confused.

Are you saying if there is anyone that doesn't know your past or only knows of your past but not present, means you are not out. Checked my Facebook page, and there may be 2-3 people, relatives I didn't even know I had until a couple years ago, that don't know my past. They all know me only as Georgette. Facebook didn't even exist when I transitioned.
I have 3 cousins back in Illinois, have not seen them or talked with since 1968, and I have NO idea if they know.
I guess I was never truly full out for a period of 9 months since legal name change to SRS. Back in 1977 NO way to change documents without a cert letter from surgeons.

I assume you mean where you still have some identity as your old self somewhere, and still have to assume that for some reason.

I have a friend that has fully transitioned a few years ago, but has never said anything to parents. They live far from her and don't visit. We laugh because she dresses androgynous if she visits them.

[Zooey]

I assume you mean where you still have some identity as your old self somewhere, and still have to assume that for some reason.

Correct, although I would phrase it differently slightly differently. If you are actively hiding who you really are - I'm assuming that's your NEW identity - then you're not full-time. I don't think anybody ever HAS to assume their old identity, though part-timers can (and do) choose to do so out of convenience.

Example

Mary, formerly known as (and legally still) Charles, has to go to the courthouse to dispute a speeding ticket. She has two choices...

1) Dress in dude clothes, try to butch up as much as possible, and introduce herself as "Charles"
2) Dress as herself, be herself, and introduce herself as "Mary, but my legal name is Charles..."

One of these is NOT full-time, and the other is an interesting example of how difficult being full-time without updated identification is.

[Badtranny]

Well you all have me confused.

I really don't know what's so confusing about being out. I guess if you have to ask, then you're not out. I came out as transitioning to everyone (even work) in 2011 but I was not "full-time" or even close. In fact, I wasn't even cross dressing anymore. I was just talking about transitioning all the time. In 2012 I came OUT as Melissa and haven't looked back. Name change, yadda yadda yadda. I am out 100% Full time, 24/7, however you want to say it, there is no question that I hide from nobody.

I have not hunted down everyone in my past and told them. I suppose that there are quite a few people who I met in my first 40+ years who have no idea that dude name is now Melissa. I really don't know or care. The important thing is I have no more secrets. No more closets. I am free.

People who try to 'game' the terminology are simply missing the point.