PDA

View Full Version : Epiphany? Wishful thinking? Denial?



TinaZ
04-05-2016, 03:51 AM
Hi all:

I explained this video to my gender therapist who said, "Yes. This is where you are now, and this also could shift." I showed this video to my lovely Ozzie friend Donna, who kindly told me I'm in denial.

Isn't there a possibility - even the slightest - that this epiphany could keep my inner peace?

g5liO94g9DU

pamela7
04-05-2016, 04:47 AM
Hi Tina,

Definitely, "happy", "happier", better not to define a "destination". As I've always detested shaving (electro will finally sort this one), I do go a few days at a time without shaving, but always dressed, and I am very happy this way, too.

And yes, you do bare it all in my opinion, so don't listen to the nay-sayers!

xx Pamela

Lauri K
04-05-2016, 07:47 AM
I always enjoy your videos and you put it out there as a "transition to happy"....which I really like that phrase.

Myself I have always found my self doing one more femme thing to be happy, but in time that wasn't enough. So I needed to change something else it seemed, and then it became endless journey to stay in that happy place.....but now I am happier having done all the little things so it was all worth it

When I look back at my life it looks like water has been running over a rock for many years because all the changes were subtle and small over a long period, but now all of these little changes over a lifetime have added up.....which is where the scarey part begins.......

So my point is I think many of us including myself deny that we are ever going to transition, but most us find that we have already started but just have not accepted it that it has begun.

I was once told that transitions are not linear, and everyone does it differently ......I am not a expert but that's the part of the conversation I recall.

rachael.davis
04-05-2016, 09:02 AM
Laurie - I joked to a friend that my transition has happened very gradually, right up to the day things happened suddenly.
It's also an expression used in financial services about people who wonder how they wound up in bankruptcy court.

Rhonda Jean
04-05-2016, 09:49 AM
I totally get it. Very well put. The elusive balance. I do it by largely keeping my two identities separate. It's the intermingling that gets me in trouble, but I've always found great comfort in that overlapping space. It's manifested itself visually in different ways over the years, but always there. It is not, I've found, a place where I'm both. It's a place where I'm neither, if that makes any sense.

Tina_gm
04-05-2016, 10:46 AM
Hi Tina. 1st, great Kiss cover of Beth (from an earlier video). I sort of have come to a similar place internally. It happened to me when I quit drinking. It was a bit of a rough ride for me then, nearly a year ago. I was having so many strong emotions and just struggling with every day life. Life without the fog of alcohol is a bit raw at times, when you are used to diluting your brain waves. The gender stuff was coming on strong as well. I remember at one point, internally I told myself, I am not going to try to even steer my gender variance. However I feel inside I feel. I had accepted my CDing a couple of years before, and had revealed to my wife about it shortly after my own 1st acceptance of it. But nearly a year ago, when the emotions of everything were so raw, I came to this similar point.

If- my gender identity becomes such that it basically becomes all female all the time, I guess I will need to re evaluate my life. For now, I am able to live my life with internal feelings of femininity, and the comfort of dressing that is a part of it, while still not feeling like I have to transition. I no longer fight it, as I realized I was accepting it but still fighting to diminish it or direct it. I probably still do to a degree, but it seems the less I fight to even control it, diminish it or steer it, the more comfortable and content I become. Where that will eventually lead, I do not know. I don't see a path of transition, but 3 years ago I didn't see myself this deep in the rabbit hole either. My dressing and overall life is the same as it has been for the last few years, but internally, I am far more accepting of my internal gender variance. I am coming to accept that for me, it is a process that will likely lead for the rest of my life, not a destination of a place or things I will check off a bucket list.

MarcellaMcNul
04-05-2016, 11:07 AM
Tina!! I love, love love your posting! I strugged for a long time to reconcile the fact that I actually like being a man, but at the same time I also actually like being a girl.
Then just as I thought I had finally come to terms with my two selves coinciding in one space, I decided to let my beard grow out temporarily and see what it looked like before shaving again...right!...it's been a couple of years now and I like the beard so much that I can't get myself to lose it. So now I find myself being the dreaded bearded lady crossdresser who I was sure would be run out of Crossdressers (.) com if anyone ever discovered my having committed such an abominable indiscretion.
It hasn't been a real issue since I haven't dressed in front of anyone in my current manifestation, but you have inspired me to come out (again) and reveal by posting this (crappy) photo which I never dreamed would ever see the light of day!

Kaitlyn Michele
04-05-2016, 11:29 AM
You are right about one thing, you can't control it....

however, what you are talking about seems like an attempt to put a stake in the ground
and that's kind of like trying to control it...

You say you are a man
As a man, you look at the idea of "Should i take the steps to transition?" totally differently than a woman (MTF ts) saying "i must transition to live a functional real life"...
they are not the same thing even a little bit..

What you are talking about is the luxury of not being transsexual..........
you can talk about terms and ideas with the backdrop of feeling fulfilled as a man..

If you are transsexual you will look back on this and chalk it up to one of our many attempts at coping with it.

Robin414
04-05-2016, 12:16 PM
Loved the video Tina (love all your videos BTW). I get the transition to happy epiphany , I can't explain it either but I get it!

Janice Ashton
04-05-2016, 01:59 PM
Tina,
I find your video extremely interesting and can see a lot of my past as you describe in your present situation. But, I have found that happiness as you call it may (as I found) lead eventually to euphoria and once you let the 'Girl' out of the 'Box' she won't go back in!! The male feelings diminish and she takes over, I found I couldn't stop her after fighting her for years 'She' now is my life and I love it!! happiness found at last.
So, the girl in you will out eventually, it may be just a matter of time or when you stop fighting it... Good Luck for the future and aside from that, I think you have great character, it certainly comes across in your video...

Tina_gm
04-05-2016, 03:34 PM
You are right about one thing, you can't control it....

however, what you are talking about seems like an attempt to put a stake in the ground
and that's kind of like trying to control it...

You say you are a man
As a man, you look at the idea of "Should i take the steps to transition?" totally differently than a woman (MTF ts) saying "i must transition to live a functional real life"...
they are not the same thing even a little bit..

What you are talking about is the luxury of not being transsexual..........
you can talk about terms and ideas with the backdrop of feeling fulfilled as a man..

If you are transsexual you will look back on this and chalk it up to one of our many attempts at coping with it.

I think on the general forum, there are many of us (myself included) who are in between "just a CDer" and TS. Or at least that is where we are now. Many of us, and I know I do take the advice, don't transition unless you have to. Just as I had described my alcoholism in my earlier post, I came to a point which I could deny it no more, and that I had to do something about it. Until you get to that point, quitting is not really successful, and I had tried to quit drinking before.

I have never said to myself, I am TS. I am not speaking for Tina, but of myself, feeling fulfilled as a man isn't a good description either. While I am not in any conflict or crisis of gender, I feel often times a great sense of conflict. It always seems to me anything I do, like growing my nails longer, or body shaving for example, or not doing so causes conflict. One part of me likes it, the other doesn't. Perhaps this is a point where some ofthose who are identified as female now were once at?? Still, it would be wrong to try to transition now, since there is things we can do, or feel, or compromise on to not transition, in whatever form of transition we may one day decide to take, if any.

I feel strong enough of gender issues that I have "thought about" transition, but the thoughts for me were about ending the frustrations of not being a woman, ending the conflict I often feel... but when taking into account all the ways in which my life would change, those changes are more painful or dramatic or frightening than the frustrations and conflict I feel. It is a weird almost paradox, you are not TS until you know for certain you are, and at that point you realize you were never not TS, as I have read from pretty much everyone who is TS who has talked about coming to acceptance of it.

TinaZ
04-05-2016, 04:45 PM
You are right about one thing, you can't control it....

however, what you are talking about seems like an attempt to put a stake in the ground
and that's kind of like trying to control it...

You say you are a man
As a man, you look at the idea of "Should i take the steps to transition?" totally differently than a woman (MTF ts) saying "i must transition to live a functional real life"...
they are not the same thing even a little bit..

What you are talking about is the luxury of not being transsexual..........
you can talk about terms and ideas with the backdrop of feeling fulfilled as a man..

If you are transsexual you will look back on this and chalk it up to one of our many attempts at coping with it.

Thanks for your reply, Kaitlyn. Your post reaffirms what I feel. I am not transsexual. But the fact you might not be acknowledging is, transition is NOT solely for transsexuals. Transition is also an option for those of us who are mixed gender, gender nonconforming, bi-gender, or whatever the label of the moment might be.

In my case, that option can be scary, especially when on a Happiness Scale, Tina-me is a 95, and Todd-me is a 20. The difference in happiness between girl and boy is what petrifies me. Thus my epiphany was, I want to try as many things as possible to bring my 20 up closer to my Tina number. If I can do that (and sometimes I do accomplish that), then big, scary TRANSITION becomes a less viable option.

In other words, when I say, "I like being a boy. There's a lot of fun stuff about being a boy," I am talking about my Todd-me on the Happiness Scale at a 50ish number. It's livable, doable, sometimes enjoyable and if I could keep it there, then it's OK. That's not exactly "feeling fulfilled as a man," as you say. Especially when my Tina-me is almost always 25 points (at least!) higher on that scale. But again, a 50ish would be a decent life.

So if TRANSITION is ever in my future, please know it's because I could no longer affect the disparity between those two numbers and I've run out of ways to try. And please don't discount my reality because it doesn't mirror your experience as a TS.





It hasn't been a real issue since I haven't dressed in front of anyone in my current manifestation, but you have inspired me to come out (again) and reveal by posting this (crappy) photo which I never dreamed would ever see the light of day!

I'm glad I could be inspiring. I like your photo, too. There's a distinguishing air about it. And as I often remind myself, there are no rules to any of this, so whatever helps us breathe easier is likely a good step.

Georgette_USA
04-05-2016, 07:30 PM
Tina
Impressed with your videos. It sounds like you have really examined all this. You do project a happiness and are able to balance this all out. I do hope it all works for you and any or all your decisions. I believe that the physical transition is not always the best option for all.

I am a Post-Op MtF TS from the dark ages of all this, 1970s. Can't say in those days there was any idea of the whole Gender Non-Conforming. Wasn't much about the whole TS/TG back then either. In my teens, 1960s, trying to figure this all out, I battled with the whole idea of being physical male but not happy or satisfied with that. Just playing CD was not enough for me. Later in my 20s and able to play with the whole subject, I knew for me there was NO satisfaction with the physical male bit. I guess I am lucky that I was able to make the physical changes at a somewhat early age. 40 years later and I am still very satisfied with that decision.

Other then the sex thing I have not heard any define what all the "fun stuff about being a boy" are. My partner and I had and I still do most of the things we did as physical males, as woman can do those also.

I must admit you are a gorgeous bearded lady. I was lucky as my beard growing was terrible.

Badtranny
04-05-2016, 09:30 PM
Thanks for your reply, Kaitlyn. And please don't discount my reality because it doesn't mirror your experience as a TS

Let's not start down that road please. This is the TS forum after all, and Kait has said nothing that could be considered dismissive.

Most of the girls in this forum struggle with very specific issues: Transitioning, Coming Out, Medical concerns, Therapy concerns, and a zillion other concerns related to coming out and transitioning. Your experience is different and that's great, your feelings are different and that's great. I love gender queer people, and I would totally defend you in person if some asshat made a remark, but we are different yes?

TinaZ
04-05-2016, 11:46 PM
Let's not start down that road please. This is the TS forum after all, and Kait has said nothing that could be considered dismissive.


Goodness no! My bad. I didn't mean to come off as angry. Sorry if I was unclear. I guess my larger point was the big T-word might be in store for many of us, and not always because we're TS.

Apologies again - especially to Kaitlyn. Her post was awesome, and a great perspective.

Rianna Humble
04-05-2016, 11:51 PM
I am not transsexual. But the fact you might not be acknowledging is, transition is NOT solely for transsexuals. Transition is also an option for those of us who are mixed gender, gender nonconforming, bi-gender, or whatever the label of the moment might be.
Tina, in your world you can use words however you like and just hope that people agree with your definitions.

However, both in these forums (see definitions sticky (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?233034-TS-Forum-definitions)) and in the Standards Of Care, transition is a process of changing gender role completely. In the sticky, it is specified as being Male to Female or Female to Male.

All members are free to post in this section, provided that they are posting into or about a TRANSSEXUAL specific item and that they do not break the rules.

Since you have stated that you are not transsexual and given your reaction when someone mentioned that, this thread is now closed.