TeartheFallenAngel
04-05-2016, 11:15 PM
This week has been a lot of firsts for me. First time purchasing clothing for myself, first time being accepted after telling someone, first time shaving my legs, and my first time actually talking about it with a community. Trust is really hard for me to develop, but i will try to share my story, as much as i can.
I have always felt like a girl, part of my personality i guess. when i was younger, there were several times i was left at home for hours on end. My mom always ended up leaving some of her clothes around the house, and sometimes they ended up in my basket when she did laundry. The clothes were always so bright and colorful, soft and silky. so i wondered why men didn't wear them. i still don't quite understand why not. but my curiosity got the better of me, and i ended up trying on a light floral skirt. I absolutely loved it, it felt so nice, not constricting, and a bright pattern that matched how i felt on the inside. For a time, i would sneak some of her clothes into my laundry basket to wear when no one was around. If she ever found any of her clothes in my room, i would just say that it must have gotten into my basket again. I stopped dressing in secret some time early in high school, i became very worried that someone would find out, and i was starting to look a lot less girly, and a lot more manly (something i still don't like to this day).
In high school i got a girlfriend, and when we started getting closer to each other, i decided to tell her. She seemed to take it very well when i originally told her, but the next time she and i were together with friends, she outed me to my entire group of friends. Everyone laughed at me, i felt like such a freak. She and i broke up (obviously) and i buried that part of myself so deep that it has literally taken until a few days ago to get to a point where i acknowledged that i like to dress.
Since that time, i have felt empty, incomplete, and unhappy. Negativity compounding on negativity lead to a breaking point. where i had to accept that aspect of myself, that i had deluded into believing i was gay (im not, if anything Bi Curious) I guess everything changed when i had a small breakthrough, my feminine side finally was allowed to roam free. and i started to remember the colors i loved so much as a kid. My mom always ends up getting everyone a gift or two for easter, and this year was no exception, so i asked for a specific t-shirt i saw in hot topic. A white shirt with the two main characters to Puella Magi Madoka Magica on it, surrounded by stars and a purple and pink haze. That night i went to bed, happily thinking of my new shirt that i had wanted for a few months. While i was drifting off to sleep, i was considering what i could wear to compliment the shirt. In my mind popped an image of myself in the shirt, with a pleated white skirt with pink and purple designs on it. Something clicked inside me, it was exhilarating. Despite my fears, and repressions, i decided i would have to explore that side of myself a little bit more.
I Resolved to try it one more time, to see if it was just a passing fancy, or just a simple errant deviancy. A few days later, i ended up going back to hot topic, and picking up two shirts, a red one with equality written on it, to wear whenever, and a silky black shirt with splotches of color on the sleeves and towards the bottom of the shirt, for dressing of course. I also stopped in a local store and almost picked up a skirt that would have gone well with both the madoka magica shirt and the new one i just bought. There were a lot of people around, i didn't have the courage to even pick it up and examine it more closely. I left without a skirt.
When i got home, i was pretty disappointed with myself, i really wanted a skirt to wear. So i ended up getting out my sewing kit, and turning some of my old pajama bottoms into a makeshift skirt (it looks horrible, but im a beginner and i dont have a machine T_T) When i tried it on, even with the butterflies in my stomach, there was a sense of peace, calmness, and dare i say happiness. When everyone went to bed, i was able to wear it around the house. The most concerning thing to me, is i actually performed better at pretty much everything while wearing it.
So i decided to do something i had always wanted to try but was afraid, because i would be though of as weird. I shaved my legs. It was a definite hassle, having never shaved them before, they were quite hairy. The feeling when i finished, my own smooth skin, it was the first time in years that i had actually thought my own body was beautiful. I am afraid of wearing shorts in the apartment though, i'm afraid my roommates will notice and ask me about it. I get the feeling that they wouldn't be very open or accepting of even just a small thing like that.
Sorry for the long post and the somewhat melancholic tone. Also, sorry if this is in the wrong section. If anyone wants to ask questions, it might make it easier for me to talk about it. I'm also interested if anyone else here has ever made their own clothing to wear, or if i'm just strange and determined ^_^
I have always felt like a girl, part of my personality i guess. when i was younger, there were several times i was left at home for hours on end. My mom always ended up leaving some of her clothes around the house, and sometimes they ended up in my basket when she did laundry. The clothes were always so bright and colorful, soft and silky. so i wondered why men didn't wear them. i still don't quite understand why not. but my curiosity got the better of me, and i ended up trying on a light floral skirt. I absolutely loved it, it felt so nice, not constricting, and a bright pattern that matched how i felt on the inside. For a time, i would sneak some of her clothes into my laundry basket to wear when no one was around. If she ever found any of her clothes in my room, i would just say that it must have gotten into my basket again. I stopped dressing in secret some time early in high school, i became very worried that someone would find out, and i was starting to look a lot less girly, and a lot more manly (something i still don't like to this day).
In high school i got a girlfriend, and when we started getting closer to each other, i decided to tell her. She seemed to take it very well when i originally told her, but the next time she and i were together with friends, she outed me to my entire group of friends. Everyone laughed at me, i felt like such a freak. She and i broke up (obviously) and i buried that part of myself so deep that it has literally taken until a few days ago to get to a point where i acknowledged that i like to dress.
Since that time, i have felt empty, incomplete, and unhappy. Negativity compounding on negativity lead to a breaking point. where i had to accept that aspect of myself, that i had deluded into believing i was gay (im not, if anything Bi Curious) I guess everything changed when i had a small breakthrough, my feminine side finally was allowed to roam free. and i started to remember the colors i loved so much as a kid. My mom always ends up getting everyone a gift or two for easter, and this year was no exception, so i asked for a specific t-shirt i saw in hot topic. A white shirt with the two main characters to Puella Magi Madoka Magica on it, surrounded by stars and a purple and pink haze. That night i went to bed, happily thinking of my new shirt that i had wanted for a few months. While i was drifting off to sleep, i was considering what i could wear to compliment the shirt. In my mind popped an image of myself in the shirt, with a pleated white skirt with pink and purple designs on it. Something clicked inside me, it was exhilarating. Despite my fears, and repressions, i decided i would have to explore that side of myself a little bit more.
I Resolved to try it one more time, to see if it was just a passing fancy, or just a simple errant deviancy. A few days later, i ended up going back to hot topic, and picking up two shirts, a red one with equality written on it, to wear whenever, and a silky black shirt with splotches of color on the sleeves and towards the bottom of the shirt, for dressing of course. I also stopped in a local store and almost picked up a skirt that would have gone well with both the madoka magica shirt and the new one i just bought. There were a lot of people around, i didn't have the courage to even pick it up and examine it more closely. I left without a skirt.
When i got home, i was pretty disappointed with myself, i really wanted a skirt to wear. So i ended up getting out my sewing kit, and turning some of my old pajama bottoms into a makeshift skirt (it looks horrible, but im a beginner and i dont have a machine T_T) When i tried it on, even with the butterflies in my stomach, there was a sense of peace, calmness, and dare i say happiness. When everyone went to bed, i was able to wear it around the house. The most concerning thing to me, is i actually performed better at pretty much everything while wearing it.
So i decided to do something i had always wanted to try but was afraid, because i would be though of as weird. I shaved my legs. It was a definite hassle, having never shaved them before, they were quite hairy. The feeling when i finished, my own smooth skin, it was the first time in years that i had actually thought my own body was beautiful. I am afraid of wearing shorts in the apartment though, i'm afraid my roommates will notice and ask me about it. I get the feeling that they wouldn't be very open or accepting of even just a small thing like that.
Sorry for the long post and the somewhat melancholic tone. Also, sorry if this is in the wrong section. If anyone wants to ask questions, it might make it easier for me to talk about it. I'm also interested if anyone else here has ever made their own clothing to wear, or if i'm just strange and determined ^_^