Told my wife and everything fell apart. I shouldn't have.

[OnlyRed]

Recently I told my wife that I crossdress. After 7.5 years of marriage.

I have browsed through this forum before. And I know that it is very hard to take the relationship forward. I knew that it could end in a divorce.

But on some level I just wanted this relationship to end. My thought was: "If she could accept my CDing then it is worth living but if she can't then let it end. It's a difficult one anyway."

It was a pretty difficult marriage with so much arguments and problems. I was losing my identity and peace.

If I had truly loved my wife and wanted to spend a life time with her, I could have hid this CDing fact. I am not THAT compelled to do it. There has been years where I did not think about CDing.

Slowly I have learned to accept it and start enjoying it. I am not in denial anymore.

After telling her this fact, she left within a few days. She has gone out of contact and is not ready to discuss logically what to do next. I am in the limbo right now. Can't even discuss about options for us.

I want some level of projection for the future but the uncertainty is killing me.

Now I feel that I shouldn't have told her that. I could have just had a personal life within myself and let this relationship move on. Or I could have brought in some other reason to end this relationship.

I never consulted anyone before taking this leap and I think I should've.

Life is cruel and unfair. I wish I was born plain straight. Or I wish I could have born a plain, simple, straight girl.

Guess God decided throw a spark of feminine on me just before I was born - just for fun.

Will I ever find a relationship again?

Will I be lonely for the rest of my life?

I am 32 now. I am going to live for at least 3-4 more decades.

Questions that keep me awake at night:


Should I live alone and enjoy CDing?

Should I find another relationship that accepts my CDing?

Should I find another relationship and hide this fact?

[Teresa]

OnlyRed,
There is never a right time to do this and I'm so sorry it didn't work for you. I wonder if your wife had other issues with the marriage anyway and Cding was the excuse she needed. I hope children aren't involved , obviously that makes things slightly easier if they're not. I guess from what you say you felt the marriage wasn't working well, 32 isn't too old to start again but as you say how can you even think about that if your wife has completely cut herself off. No doubt more formal legal letters may start arriving, so that's when you have to think straight and decide where you want your life to go. CDing isn't a passing phase it may come and go but we are wired differently so you can never deny it doesn't exist you just have to find your level of comfort with it.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Should I find another relationship and hide this fact?

No.



Should I live alone and enjoy CDing?

That's an option, at least in the short term, but it sounds like you don't want to be alone.



Should I find another relationship that accepts my CDing?

In other words, "should I try to find somebody who loves me the way I am?" Imagine that.

[Sarah Louise]

But on some level I just wanted this relationship to end. My thought was: "If she could accept my CDing then it is worth living but if she can't then let it end. It's a difficult one anyway."

It was a pretty difficult marriage with so much arguments and problems. I was losing my identity and peace.

If I had truly loved my wife and wanted to spend a life time with her, I could have hid this CDing fact.

OnlyRed,

I'm sorry to hear of your marriage difficulties. As you point out, this isn't due to CDing and like Teresa, I suspect it's the excuse your wife needed to end things. Many on here believe that marriages do not usually end because of CDing, but it can be the straw that breaks the camel's back where there are other problems in the marriage.

As for the future, who knows? While you feel down now, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. You don''t have to decide now what the future holds. In time, you will feel better. Just enjoy the ride and who knows, you might find a special person who loves you for who you are. Many who CD have.

I wish you well for the future.

Sarah

[andreanna]

I am going to have to be blunt here, your wife just left you and you are worrying about another relationship? Take care of what is before you now, it is a rough road ahead of you for a while. You have a long life to live, let it come to you.

[Rachelakld]

32 - young pup :)
I found miss right was wife number 2 at the age of 44.
I told her on about the 5th date (it was becoming serious on the 4th date, we just clicked), we ended the night naked with lots of clothes all over the floor from our private fashion show compliments of my wardrobe.

Visualize every morning and every night, the future you WANT, then go and find those things that make that future (do not visualize who your with, most actresses and super models are taken, so think more about your life)

[Alice Torn]

Sorry about this going badly. I am 61, alone all my life other than my toxic family of origin, which has fouled my entire life up. It is ok to not be in a relationship. I used to be totally desperate to find a woman. i did date a fair amount after age 27, but no sex. i have learned that it is not healthy to be desperate for a mate. Being single and alone , and learning to accept ourselves without a SO or wife, is good. We enter life alone, and go back to dust alone. It may be good to be alone and single, for a year or two, or more, maybe get counsel or therapy, if affordable. You don't know what she is going to do , yet, too. if she tries to take everything, you will need counsel, and an attorney. Hopefully you and her can work it out, and if you agree to split, hopefully not too messy.

[Nicole Erin]

Enjoy the single life.
By 30, most people are bogged down with kids or are already in unhappy marriages.

Even if you find someone accepting, she will probably change her mind pretty soon anyways. I think there is even a sticky about that at the top of this sub-forum.

[Mollyanne]

I truly am sorry for you and feel your pain, not like you but I can relate. There are certain steps that you should take right now, not out of malice but out of protection. First and foremost see a lawyer, and make that lawyer a good one. It's not cheap but in the long run it will be one of your best investments. Second, see a therapist, you need to "see" things clearer.

You are only 32 yrs old, fairly young with your entire life in front of you. Tomorrow brings a new day and with it comes new situations, opportunities and possible relationships. Just take one day at a time.

In any event, you have "sisters" here to lend support when and if you need us.

Molly

[Linda E. Woodworth]

OnlyRed,

I'm sorry for the devastation in your marriage. I can only imagine how upending that could be.

You need to establish your priorities and I think your #1 priority is protecting yourself. There are previous threads on here about divorce and what to do when you travel down that road. Mollyanne's advice to seek out a Lawyer and the best one you can afford it a good start. Protect your assets. Your wife has walked out, has she already cleaned out your bank accounts and started max'ing out the credit cards? No pleasant subjects but one's you need to face.

Remember there are people here at the forum who have been in your position before. You can always ask for their counsel, or just a shoulder to cry on if you need that. Hugs are kind of impersonal through a computer screen.

Sincerely,
Linda W.

[Jocee]

This is hard to read, and I'm sorry for the pain that your feeling right now. As Linda and Mollyanne said just above, and if your spouse is truly incommunicado, then I suggest that you talk to legal counsel as soon as possible. If nothing else, you will have found someone you could use in the event things escalate. Be frank and honest about what is going on in your personal life, as it will probably come out later. Thankfully you're young......

Many of us has have cathartic events associated with years of shame and denial. Mine happened in my mid-30, when my wife discovered my clothing cache. We got through it, but she considered divorcing me. It was an exhausting time of my life. I'm not sure where you live, but you may also want to seek out some counseling for yourself. I did and it was the best thing I did for myself. Ever.....

I hope you peace of mind.....

Joanna

[Teresa]

Nicole,
That's a harsh summary of married life, I wouldn't wish to change that part of my life , being married and having kids does come with some fun as well.

I will admit CDing hasn't made life easier, but that's a more recent thing for me, the input I put into my family then is paying me back now, my kids are standing by me and I still have contact with three lovely grandchildren . The situation with my wife is what's making life more difficult now, when I was expecting it to get easier.

[Jessicajane]

We all feel for your situation and for the fears that you have about the future, but from how I see this you actually did the right thing...

I would never encourage someone to throw a relationship away, but a relationship without honesty and hiding parts of your life, is a relationship that is heading into very troubled waters....

There are I am sure plenty of people who might take offence at my view and I know not everyone tells their partner but for me if dressing is a part of who you are, then to not disclose is not being true to the marriage and is building a future with a spouse on shaky ground.

This is of course just my view on life and we all see things a little different, my marriage has found a way of coping with Jessica, but only just and I would not like to bet my soul on their never being issues in the future, but at least when I look my wife in the eyes she knows who I am as a whole.

From observing marriages from people in the trans community where I live, cross dressing rarely kills a marriage on it own but if a marriage is already in trouble, then sure it can be the knock out punch...some wives come to accept and deal with it , some shut it out and pretend it does not exist and other set parameters in which to operate.

Waiting is always hardest because you don't know for certain the outcome, but hold tight and whatever happens , happens you were honest and never be ashamed of telling the truth , especially in a marriage where the truth is a must in my books.

As for your fears on relationships etc etc, you are no different from many who fear being without, but I see trans friends find new relationships on a regular basis, some with women some with men, the world is a big place and whilst we may be a little different, we are certainly very much an option to be loved for who we are by many out there.

All the best I will be thinking of you over the coming days

Jess xx

[OnlyRed]

What could she possibly want?

Money, I can give what I can.
Divorce, yes, I can give that too.

We do not have a own house. We have rented one so far. I never gave her access to my bank or cards.

Just wondering what else could go wrong. What else do I need to watch out for?

Are the problems in separation because of CD'ing issues same as normal divorces?

And is there a chance that she will come back? I don't think so. But sometimes I do dream that she will be back - and accept me for who I am.

She feels that I should have told her earlier - before marriage. I was in denial back then and I did not accept that I am different and I always thought CD'ing behaviour will go away. Now she feels cheated and feels that the past several years has been just a lie. And even positive memories have turned into negative ones, for her.

[Jessicajane]

Feeling a betrayal that you did not tell earlier is such a common aspect that a partner who has just found out feels, all of a sudden she does not know you, she feels cheated and maybe embarrassed...(these are things that my wife felt)....you have to explain to her that you did not know or understand yourself, thought it would go away etc etc and give her time....


she may cool down and find a way to cope, she may not, but you have to wait it out if you want a chance for the marriage to go on.

As for is the divorce different in any way because you cross dress....no...you might feel awkward especially if she tells people, but that would be rare and a damning reflection on her if she did...the lawyers and courts have heard it many time before....sorry hun your not that different xx

[OnlyRed]

Thanks a lot for the supportive words. At least I got to hear from one sister that I did the right thing.

I couldn't imagine living for another 20-30 years hiding this fact. It's not just about the physical act of CD'ing but also me as a whole is a false identity to her if she doesn't get to know me as who I really am.

And also yes, there were other issues in the marriage.

But, yes, sometimes I also feel that life should have gone on with me CD'ing in secret.

Because sometimes I feel that every marriage, every man and every woman, does hide something.

For example, if you look at a super model in a magazine and you fantasise having sex with her and jerk off, and that is not something a man would tell his wife. Aren't all marriages built on some level of secrets?

[Michelle (Oz)]

The fear of loneliness is a very powerful motivation to want to keep what we have no matter how wrong the relationship is. And while many of us have been where you are and can look back dispassionately at the events of the time the heart takes some time to catch up with the head which recognises the problems in a relationship. Try to act rationally and not make promises such as money, stopping CDing that you'll regret later.

As for future happiness, no guarantees but if your current relationship is toxic then would you be worse off? At 32 I was less than half way through my first marriage with two more to come. Thankfully at 58 I met my forever wife - who happens to abhor my dressing but we've worked out an arrangement that suits us both :batting eyelashes:

I have no regrets telling my wife after 3 years of marriage but it led to a very difficult 8 months.

[Jessicajane]

Absolutely there are some small secrets in a marriage, but again I can only speak from my experience , having gender identity feelings are not just small incidental issues you can gloss over, gender is a fundamental part of who we are and how society treats us all, hence the fact that partners sometimes find it so difficult to cope with.

The very first words in a persons life are usually the doctor saying , its a boy or its a girl....having sexy thoughts about a supermodel is very different from wishing you were female or at least wanting to spend time as one.

It does not make is bad people, in fact I would suspect the exact opposite in many cases, but you cant under estimate that what we are is different and will put some people outside there comfort Zone, and for me is certainly something within a marriage that ought to be known...(I am cringing as I write that because I believe it but I know there are many that don't)

[Juliana817]

Only Red,
I'm so sorry you're in a difficult place right now.
Accepting who you are needs to come first and everything else will fall into place.
Most of us struggle and doubt our dressing and purge and then go back...it's a cycle until we accept ourselves we cannot have another accept us as we truly are.
Focus on healing now and become happy with yourself.

[Barbara Black]

While you certainly have regrets about telling her, and the consequences resulting, it is just as likely you would have regrets as you hide it from everyone for the next 30-40 years. Which set of regrets is worse? No one can say as we are all individuals, and have different circumstances to deal with in our personal lives. So now that you've made one decision, a painful one, remember that you have 30-40 years ahead of you, and seek to enjoy it, for your satisfaction more than anyone else's.

[bridget thronton]

I do agree that hiding things from a spouse is in general not good. It is my observation (both in my life and what I have read posted here) that people who love you often accept you after the reveal (they may not like it and may not want to see you dressed) but they usually remain in your life. So I think your reveal was not the cause of the break up.

[Jenniferathome]

...

But on some level I just wanted this relationship to end. My thought was: "If she could accept my CDing then it is worth living but if she can't then let it end. It's a difficult one anyway."

It was a pretty difficult marriage with so much arguments and problems. I was losing my identity and peace.

If I had truly loved my wife ....
Questions that keep me awake at night:


Should I live alone and enjoy CDing?
Should I find another relationship that accepts my CDing?
Should I find another relationship and hide this fact?



Well Red, you got what you wanted. Now you can move on. And of course you will find another relationship and this time, open up much sooner so you do not have to hide. Plenty of women can accept a cross dressing partner. That is a minor part of any relationship. Whatever made your current relationship bad, work on those things in your next one.

[heatherdress]

OnlyRed - No one here knows you or your wife. All opinions are simply opinions. You made a decision and should not second-guess yourself. Take care of yourself, take care of business. And move on.There is life after divorce and you will find happiness if that is what you seek.

First, accept the fact that your marriage is over and get over the guilt and self-blame. Seems like you had a marginal relationship and it would have failed regardless of your crossdressing. See a therapist, get a good lawyer, maintain your friendships, work out, don't let your career suffer, maintain your faith and beliefs.

Don't be embarrassed to let family and friends know you are getting a divorce. You need support. People will understand and help. Divorce is unfortunately commonplace, usually not the fault of one person, and typically not due to one cause.

Grow. We all suffer pain and misfortune. Learn from your divorce challenges. Seek greater self-awareness. It will help you in future relationships.

Take time to heal before you begin new relationships. Rebound relationships are usually unsuccessful and unfair to new partners. You need time to heal first and reestablish your life.

Be optimistic. Your divorce will be painful - but it will be over. You will have the rest of your life ahead of you.

By the way, there is no right or wrong answer regarding sharing crossdressing behavior with partners. Every situation is different. Many decide not to because they know how non-accepting, abrasive or fragile their spouses are. Some crossdressing behaviors are extremely minimal and very infrequent. Some know they have many other relationship problems and introducing crossdressing will only make problem resolution or subsequent divorce more difficult. Often we enter into relationships when we are young and unaware that our crossdressing behavior will continue after marriage, so we hide it like other past behaviors we think are behind us. Years later, crossdressers struggle with guilt for their silence - and if and when they tell their wives or if discovered, there is anger and a sense of betrayal which will often linger. You made your choice to tell your wife - do not second guess yourself.

[Patrica Gil]

Sorry this all happened to you. Let me say after thirty years plus my wife left me in the end for different reasons. She was a DADT person and left for other reasons. Sure it hurt but I've been hurt before. Vowed then to be honest with anyone who was interested in a relationship with me. A lot of women left skid marks, a few are still friends and one actually had no problem with it.One of the friends regrets not getting more involved with me. The one that stayed who was not scared off is amazing. We are still together and last Christmas got me some really cute dresses. She wears the pants in the relationship. When my ex left I thought I was to old to ever meet anyone and fall in love. Still it happened and I'm still here. Women who know me as me all tell me the same thing. I am living the life of a women. So pull your big girl panties up and be hopeful you still have a lot of good life in front of you. Still being in your thirties, with a little practice you could probably look really great and go out as a girl. The fun part will be meeting someone who wants to go shoe shopping with you because your such a fun girl. later g

[sometimes_miss]

If I had truly loved my wife and wanted to spend a life time with her, I could have hid this CDing fact. I am not THAT compelled to do it. There has been years where I did not think about CDing.
That's what I thought. Didn't turn out that way; I hadn't crossdressed for over a decade, but the desire was simply suppressed temporarily; under stress, it returned. Besides, unless you're very, very careful, it's very easy to slip up, and then you're 'out'.

Life is cruel and unfair. I wish I was born plain straight. Or I wish I could have born a plain, simple, straight girl.
I've wished for either of those options for half a century. Guess I didn't throw enough money into the wishing well.

List:
Should I live alone and enjoy CDing?
If you think you can get by like that. I fill my need for affection by visiting friendly lap dancers. They know I'm not looking for a sexual charge, just comforting, someone to hold close. It's very expensive. But it keeps me from going crazy. I haven't given up on finding a CD accepting woman, and I haven't given up on winning the lottery, either, but I know both have about the same odds of occurring.

Should I find another relationship that accepts my CDing?
That's the million dollar question. Women who accept crossdressers are quite hard to find. Some tolerate it. But the percentage who are enthusiastic about it number in the low fractions of 1%. If you're ok with males, you'll probably find an active sex life, but relationship, probably not.

Should I find another relationship and hide this fact?
You'll be right back where you started.

[Jenny22]

>>>>Just wondering what else could go wrong. What else do I need to watch out for? <<<<<<<

Will she be telling everyone you and she both know? Your family? Your employer? Church goers? If she might, are you prepared for the reactions and consequences?

[Mykaa]

OnlyRed, Im sorry for the hardships your facing, I know what your going through, I really do, destruction brings about creation, I think you know that. I had someone tell me very recently the fact I was reaching out indicated I was a strong person. Those words meant more than they may know.
I would suggest you contact an attorney if nothing else for your own peace of mind, find out your options, protect yourself. My last relationship lasted 6.5 with 2 kids being the only thing good to come from it. No life isnt fair it never will be, make the best of it, your young, things Will Get Better. Just from what you say it wasnt easy, mine wasnt either. I tried, I really did, I tried to be what society thinks a Man should be, it doesnt work for me, I was also told recently, just because society puts expectations on us Doesnt Mean We are Made WRONG. I know who and what I am, Im still learning. OnlyRed be true to yourself, Im happier than ever, Happiness comes from within, others will see that and the rest will follow. Know your among friends even though we havent met, We are and will be here for you.

[Ressie]

Sorry to hear about this. There are more relationships that just aren't right than really great ones. It sounds like your wife won't be coming back unless she discovers the truth about crossdressing from (a source like this website) or another GG that is accepting.

How to find a woman that accepts crossdressing in the future:

I'm convinced that the best way to do this is to go out en femme to places where you can meet women. If you're crossdressed when they meet you, there won't be that guessing game "when do I tell her?". Those that hate the idea of CDing will show their cards right away. Those that like it will be approachable, date-able etc.

[Tracii G]

The cat is out of the bag about your CDing but if she tells others so what? Can she actually prove it to them?
If your friends ask you can say yes if you want and admit it or you can say she is crazy and blow it off as nothing.
Why would you want her back if she walked out on you?
I never understood the mindset of couples that break up over issues somehow think getting back together again things will be different.
I would seek a divorce attorney ASAP.
You don't own property together or bank accounts so thats in your favor.
Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

I have friends that think they have to be in a relationship. They break up with one and move right into another and never seem happy.
Take some time off for yourself to explore this side of you.

[Dana44]

Red, I went though that and it was the relationship, even you said that. You are in your thirties. There are a lot of opportunities open to you right now. During that time of my life I had many relationships and the single time was a great time in my life. `I married again and she was accepting but was not a person to trust. That marriage fell apart. I my latter years of relationships I finally found one that loves me for who I am. She is the one I trust and we share time together as two gals. But she does want me in my male form also and I have to do that, but it works well and we do a lot of stuff together. My advice is to enjoy life now as how you want to live. Many have found their mate when they were out and about as a cross-dresser.

[Tonya Rose]

Ya Know, It`s not the people you fire that make your life miserable.... It`s the ones you don`t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sounds to me like she needed to be fired anyway....:2c:

[grace7777]

Should I find another relationship and hide this fact?
[/LIST]

This is one option I hope you never consider.

In my opinion before you get into a relationship again you need to figure out who you are. Figure out where you are on the gender spectrum. Are you a crosdresser, transgender or transsexual? Many started out on this board as a crossdresser, only to figure out they were either transgendered or transsexual.

If you are a crossdresser, how often do you need to dress? Is it once a week, month or year?

This may or may not involve getting into therapy.

When you figure yourself out then you can start to think about a relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Teresa]

Grace, You make a good point, if Onlyred's relationship didn't have other problems I would the say the same thing as you suggested,you have to know yourself ,what drives your Cding and where you are on the spectrum. You must be honest with yourself even if it takes counselling to do that .

OnlyRed,
I keep picking up that you still appear to feel guilty and ashamed of your CDing, you must accept that you're probably born like it and wired differently, whatever people say or think isn't going to change what's inside your head, if you can openly accept yourself moving on is going to be much easier. Cding or not the confidence will get you through , don't keep thinking it's wrong how you feel .

[josie_S]

I dont have a lot of experience here since I've never told anyone but my therapist about my "hobby," but I certainly have a lot of empathy for you. But I'm also very happy for you too: happy for your courage, for your willingness to open up, and for your conviction. Divorces (that I *do* have experience with) and break ups are hard, no matter the circumstances. But like everyone, including you, has said, crossdressing isn't the reason for your splitting up. So why blame it/hide it from here forward? Good luck, sis

[mykell]

hi onlyred, not sure how you handled the reveal and that she is permanently out of the picture yet, but i does not look to positive.

when all the dust clears and facts begin to show themselves you will need to deal with how things unfold....things will get uncomfortable for you i imagine.

you dont seem at peace with who you are and you will find that it will not be easy but it is possible, once you accept yourself you can begin to start over,
many hear think of the "what if" and would cherish a restart or do-over like my son says,
one thing i think that would help will be to start attending a LGBT support group,
i attend a trans p-flag group..... friends, family, and all folks from the transgender spectrum, by going you may find acceptance of yourself and it may even help you meet an interesting person to share your life with.....weirder things have happened.

sorry to see a sister in distress but you will find support here albeit virtual, i hope things work out favorable for you without much turmoil and disruption of the other parts of your life.

[Dinky39]

Maybe give your wife some time to figure things out in her own head. I know I did. I also know I said some pretty horribile things after I found out because I hadn't time to get my head around it and I was in shock. I felt and still do sometimes that everything has been tainted because of the lies. I have learned a lot in the last two years. Give her some time.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Red :hugs:, Like others above have said You need to retain a lawyer ASAP and good Luck .-...:daydreaming:...

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Wow Red, you're certainly at a crossroads. From what you say your relationship was very heavily compromised, regardless of the crossdressing. At your age it looks from an outsider's point of view that you're better off starting afresh.

By all means live alone for a time and enjoy CDing. Why not?
Since you seem prepared to keep the CDing private, you have options in a new r/ship, but my advice would be to be open about it from the start, as insurance- there may come a time when the CDing becomes much more compelling and you don't want to repeat your recent scenario.

Very best wishes and welcome to the forum-

Nikki

[OnlyRed]

Thanks for the kind words. Feeling hopeful today. And after a while, being single seems to be good. After the initial shock is gone, life is smoothening out. I feel stronger to face whatever comes at me.

[Teresa]

OnlyRed,
I hope you can hold on to that feeling, and if things start to go downhill draw strength knowing it will get better.

I will admit it is a strange feeling one moment your mindset is marriage and trying to retain that and the next it may not be so bad to move on and maybe try again. I know when I came close to a separation getting my head round what plans I would need to make to form a new life were exciting and freeing, it did feel like a release.
The reality was I had too much responsibility to walk away from, the thought began to hurt too much, but I knew not going through with it would mean living a compromised lifestyle. The trade off was my family gave me Sunday as my day and also I have managed to get out and attend a social group once a month, I'm afraid they haven't been 100% cooperative in giving me the time I asked for ! Like I said it's a compromise I had to settle for .

[Rachel05]

Yes that is a tough one and not massively dissimilar to my story, my wife of many years found out my little secret, she didn't like it and it did spoil our relationship a little it has to be said, although that wasn't the reason we split up in the end, but I am convinced it contributed

I learnt to accept me the way I am, I tried all the usual stuff as I was growing up, the purging, the denial etc etc etc etc, but I am what I am, just wired different

Now I am in a new relationship, but before we embarked upon it for real and living together, I took the plunge and bared all before we went any further, it was a shock, but it was not the end of the world and there is acceptance on my partners behalf, she doesn't fully understand but she is supportive of me and she accepts that me includes crossdressing, so my female things are in drawers and cupboards and not hidden away, they go in the wash with the rest of the things and get treated just the same as any other items and if I want I can ask and I can share my partners things too, which is very nice as you might imagine

I feel good being able to wear my female clothes any time I want and the feeling of not having to hide that side of me is incredibly liberating

It all worked out good in the end, but it was not an easy ride and time is a good thing, gives you chance to see what is in front of you

[Leelou]

Welcome to the forum, Red. And thanks for clarifying the financial situation. Given that there is no real estate, no shared accounts, and as far as I can tell no kids, I wouldn't run right out and hire an attorney. I've done a DIY divorce under similar circumstances. When there are no, or relatively few, shared assets and no children there really isn't much she can gain by going after you. Give her some time to cool off. Even if she still wants a divorce, she may be open to the idea of not throwing thousands of dollars away on attorneys--especially when it's such a simple divorce.

In any event, sorry for the loss of the marriage. You're young and have lots of life in front of you. Take it slow, enjoy the freedom for a while. Be wary of a rebound relationship. And obviously try to learn from the experience, and if you ever are close to marrying again, remember this time and tell her. Best wishes.

[Tina_gm]

Hi there red. We all have the right to be who we are. Our Spouses too, do have the right to know who we really are, as does anyone have the right to know who they are married to or marrying. We often do not tell right away, denial or fear. It is wrong to do that, and our spouses do have every right to leave, although thankfully many don't.

From the sounds of your marriage, already in real trouble, CDing or not, it sounded like it was headed for an ending. 1/2 if not more marriages end in divorce, and since CDers make up only a couple percent of the population, most marriages that end are not ending because of CDing. Even with CDing, that is not the only reason, but may be A REASON. My 1st marriage ended in divorce, but at the time, CDing was not a part of my life, so that is not what ended it. I am currently re married and my current wife is aware of my CDing. And I did not tell her right away. It has not always been a smooth road, but I do not push her to be a part of my CDing. So, when we are together, it is mostly just as husband and wife, and we have a pretty solid foundation. It did need a bit or re building after my reveal though, it was touch and go for about 6 months.

[Mark/Rebecca]

It is interesting that you told her during a low point in your marriage (it seems). I have noticed that I want to bring up crossdressing on the downswing. It is almost like laying all of your cards on the table. I think it is a fatal error many of us may make. When we are not in sync I think I need to know that as a whole I am lovable. I have vowed to have the talk during the best of times (still waiting for that) but wonder if I will want to risk changing that wonderful period in a marriage. Deep down I know my only chance for acceptance depends on a solid footing.

[Lori Kurtz]

I feel the pain with you, as I'm sure many others here do too.

I don't think you were wrong to tell her. It was a risk. Not telling her would also have been a risk. She could still have found out somehow, and that would probably have been worse than having you tell her.

I think it's time for professional counseling, to help you decide what you want, and what you are capable of. It's hard to make those crucial decisions entirely on your own, inside your head.


Should I live alone and enjoy CDing?
This is an option that works for a lot of people here. Advantage: it's honest, and you have less to fear than if you're keeping secrets from someone you love and who thinks you're sharing your whole life with her. Disadvantage: your sex life is solitary, and sometimes the nights get lonely. And the days, for that matter.


Should I find another relationship that accepts my CDing?
Possible, but difficult. You have to find compatibility on all the levels that make you right for someone, and that make her right for you. And then she also needs to be one of those unusual women who are open to her husband's crossdressing. This could involve a lot of searching, with no guarantee of success. Maybe you could try a few years of dating, in which if you and she start getting serious, you find a way when the relationship is good, rather than when it is already getting shaky, to reveal your whole self. Maybe you'll eventually want to give up on the dating, or maybe you'll want to continue to keep the door open to finding a woman who will be okay with your dressing.


Should I find another relationship and hide this fact?
For the other two questions, the best I can say is that you have to make your own decision as to what is right for you. But for this one--pardon my arrogance if that's what it is--I think I have the right answer for you. Don't do it. Just don't. This is the one thing you have learned for sure.

So the bottom line, I say, is for you to find a therapist with experience in gender issues. Have him or her help you understand who you are so that you can clarify what is right for the unique person that is you.

Lots of us here are on your side, whatever you decide.

[PaulaQ]

Hi OnlyRed,

I'm really sorry for what you are going through.

Could I suggest a fourth option? Why don't you take some time, maybe talk to a gender therapist, and figure out, as best you can, how deep your gender issues go. Maybe you are just a CD, and that's all you'll ever be. Maybe you need to transition, and are having trouble facing that. Who knows? I'd be willing to bet you don't!

My suggestion is that you are probably best figuring out the truest, most authentic version of yourself, and then living it. Whatever that is. And then living it, being open about it. You'll find someone when you are ready for it. You may have to look to people you'd have overlooked before. I think trying to live a lie is a terrible choice. You have a long life ahead of you. There is no reason to live that way. There is also no reason for you to live alone. I can't promise you'll find love, but I can tell you that the more real and open you are, the more likely you are to find it.

By the way, I would advise you, when you do try for a relationship, to set your sights higher than "acceptance." My fiancé doesn't accept me - he loves me. He loves who and what I am. And I love him in the same way. He's not a crossdresser, although he is transgender. (He's a trans man.) You don't want someone who just "accepts" a big part of who you are - they don't like it, maybe they wish it would go away. Why would you want to be with anyone who looks down on you so - as if who you are is inferior somehow to who they are. Trust me, you aren't inferior. None of us are.

[karennjcd]

OnlyRed,

I think for everyone it's a case of YMMV (your mileage may vary). Everyone is different on here, and everyone's relationship is different. By telling your wife you may have gotten what you were looking for anyhow -- a way out. Now you're out of it, get through what comes next and then enjoy yourself. Being single gives you a lot more freedom to be what you want to be, and do what you want to do. And with the wife gone you have a lot more closet space that you'll find you might need! :)

Only you can answer the question of what comes next. It does not have to be another relationship -- as you've seen how that can turn out when the other person cannot handle your truth.


Karen

[ReineD]

Thanks for the kind words. Feeling hopeful today. And after a while, being single seems to be good. After the initial shock is gone, life is smoothening out. I feel stronger to face whatever comes at me.

I'm glad that you're coming to this conclusion. In your first post I got the impression that you truly did not love your wife and so wanting to keep a relationship together for convenience or fear of being alone would only have prolonged the misery.

As to your question about whether you'll be lonely for the rest of your life, no one can answer this. If you're a likable person and you have lots of stuff going for you, then I don't see why you shouldn't be able to meet someone. There are women who can and do accept the CDing (I am one of them :)) but this is because I feel that my SO and I are soul mates. When two people feel that way about each other they accept their partners for who they are.

I most definitely do NOT recommend hiding this from a prospective partner. Give yourself some time to get over this relationship (you don't want to get into a rebound relationship), and when enough time has passed, start meeting women. Don't tell people on the first date. If you fall in love and she feels the same way, then you can tell her.

I had known my SO for 3 years before we began dating and he told me, and by the time he did my feelings for him were strong enough to want to know and accept every facet of his personality. Had he told me when we first met, we would have been friends but I would not have developed feelings for him simply because I had all the misconceptions about the CDing that most people have, who have not been exposed to the CDing. But I have to say that when we began to date, if my SO had told me that he was TS our relationship would not have gone further despite the strong feelings I already had. I'm hetero and I was not interested in further developing a relationship with another woman.

So good luck, I'm sure everything will turn out fine. :)



For example, if you look at a super model in a magazine and you fantasise having sex with her and jerk off, and that is not something a man would tell his wife. Aren't all marriages built on some level of secrets?

Yes, we all have little secrets. But not BIG ones. Marriage needs to be built on honesty and trust for the big stuff. :)

[Diversity]

Sorry to hear of the situation you described, OnlyRed.
From your post, it sounds like your relationship was heading downhill and that somewhere along the way you had fallen out of love.
I believe, as do others, that by telling her about your CD'ing, it was the excuse she needed to make her break away, and a good excuse for making you the reason for it.
From what I read it sounds like you are better off without her. Let things run their course, and work through the issues which you will face.
However, rejoice in the fact that you are still young, and should you choose to enter into another relationship in the future, learn from this experience, and pick a partner who will love you, for you as a person who has a unique CD side to him.
There are plenty of people for you to meet.
For me, I would always choose being with someone, as opposed to going through life 'solo'. But that is my own opinion. You need to decide which course of action is best for you.
I wish you you well.
Di

[heatherdress]

Because sometimes I feel that every marriage, every man and every woman, does hide something.
... Aren't all marriages built on some level of secrets?

OnlyRed - I believe in most marriages, there are secrets that are not shared. Some are feelings or worries that are not shared simply because we don't want our spouses to worry. Some past experiences, relationships, family history, embarrassing events, innocent attractions or work issues and worries might remain hidden. But marriages are built on trust, not on a level of secrecy. Transparency, honesty and communications are essential for strong, loving relationships.

Take time to heal before you seek another relationship. It is probably not healthy or meaningful to look for someone else until you take care of immediate issues. Look for friendships. Stay busy. Get strong. Grow. Don't worry about being alone. Learn from aloneness. Take care of you.

[PaulaQ]

Because sometimes I feel that every marriage, every man and every woman, does hide something.

For example, if you look at a super model in a magazine and you fantasise having sex with her and jerk off, and that is not something a man would tell his wife. Aren't all marriages built on some level of secrets?

Well, no, not really. If you communicate well with your spouse, there's not much reason to hide much of anything other than presents, before you give them.

For example, I setup a channel this evening on our streaming media box so that my fiancé can view various adult sites on the TV, rather than on the tiny screen of his phone. He likes adult video. (Embarrassingly enough, I don't.) He knows about my girlfriend and what she and I do together. She'll hang out with us sometimes before I go out with her. We're all good friends. It wouldn't bother me if he had a girlfriend - at least as long as he told me about her.

We try to be transparent here.

I know this is a foreign concept, because our society discourages this, but honesty actually does work all the time. It does require a great deal of communication though.

[Kate T]

For example, if you look at a super model in a magazine and you fantasise having sex with her and jerk off, and that is not something a man would tell his wife. Aren't all marriages built on some level of secrets?

Umm..... No. You don't "manage" a partner, I'll tell you x and y but not z because you don't need to know it / you might not like it. You give your life partner everything, completely, absolutely. That's what I believe.