The gentler sex...

[Emma_Forbes]

Hi All,

OK, here I go again, probably being controversial - perhaps I ought to change my name to Miss Controversial.....

I hope I manage to describe this properly. In the dim and distant past when I was married, lovemaking was infrequent mainly because I would only initiate when I knew that my wife was in the mood. This may have been due to naivety or fear of rejection but I was always of the view that her enjoyment was the most important thing to me. Now I am very aware that in a lot of relationships (and before anyone jumps on me and tells me they are not like this - I have no intention of criticising anyone here) the man is often just out for himself and uses his partner for self-gratification. This is not the case (usually) with women, who prefer all the ancillary activities around the sex act itself e.g., talking, touching, appreciating, cuddling etc. etc. and it is much more of a whole experience for them. This is supported in part by the differences in biological and physiological responses between men and women.

Anyway, I wonder if my sensitivity to my partner's feelings is connected at all to my crossdressing desires, which is, in part, my femininity wanting to exercise itself. Is there a sort of balance within the mind where men are say 80% male and 20% female, but in some men it is say 70% male and 30% female which manifests itself in different ways? Are male chauvinist pigs 100% male and 0% female or maybe just 100% selfish?

I suspect that each and every one of us in this forum are probably biased and cannot be objective about this, but I would be interested in your views.

If I have said or implied anything hurtful or critical please accept my sincere apologies - that was not my intention. Please don't jump on me - way too delicate today!

Emma

[Sophia Rearen]

Relax Emma, I don't think you have said anything offensive. I agree with you 100%. I don't know about your fear of rejection. You may be like me, and extremely high need for approval and getting our needs met. Or maybe the rejection, approval, and needs exists together. When making love I try to take care of her first and if I can't help her out, I feel disappointed. It's her needs first. Always been that way. I think we are a rare breed. Do the most GG's know what they're missing? I think so.

[Ellisia_Lynch]

I couldn't agree more. When I was single, to be frank I would not give a damn about some of the women I has sex with and would be as selfish as they come. With my wife it is not like that at all - I am so much more attentive to her.

However it is quite ironic that when I was being selfish I could also be a lot more dominant, spontaneous and experimental, because I just didn't care what they thought. It turns out that this is something that the women I dated really enjoyed and my wife complains that our sex life lacks. In addition to satisfying her sexual needs, I think she needs to feel desired and my uncontrollable lust is a major factor in doing that.

I'd be keen to hear other GGs perspective....

[randi_789]

I don't know why you would consider it controversial. If it is how you feel or think about something you shouldn't have to apologize for it, unless someone is being deliberately hurtful to another. All that said, I agree with you. I have been married 35 years and granted in the beginning sex was good, but then the kids came along, and now that they are gone you would think that the sex would be good again, with no distractions in the house. But no, that is not the case. I would say for the past ten to fifteen years I have lived what you said. I would only initiate sex if I knew she was in the same mood. I totally feared rejection. Today I know her lack of desire is due to menopause and I am understanding of it to the point of not initiating it much at all, but waiting for her. Not a great sex life, but we are the best of friends and it is basically a mutual agreement. So, I have to satisfy myself and it seems that my desires to dress have increased as our sex life has decreased. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

When we do have sex I always try to make sure she is satisfied, and it has always been this way. As I get older there are occasions where I can't last long and I have foregone my satisfaction to make sure she is satisfied. Is that my softer side coming to the surface? I have never considered myself a "manly" man, not wanting to do the things that many of my macho friends do, feeling uncomfortable doing them, like going to go-go bars, or watching boxing, or hunting. I just don't like them.

So, before I go on rambling and go off on tangents I will stop. Thanks for the thread so I could express my feelings on the subject.

[Rachel Ann]

I look at it the other way around.

I was blessed to learn early on that attentiveness to my partner, and a seamless experience (not separating “foreplay” and intercourse) made for a better lovemaking experience for both of us. I was also lucky to come of age enjoying the company of women, not just their sexual delights.

This all happened years before I became conscious of my TG nature. However, it just might be that having this outlook made me open to accepting and embracing my inner girl when I first glimpsed her.



You may be like me, and extremely high need for approval and getting our needs met. ... When making love I try to take care of her first and if I can't help her out, I feel disappointed. It's her needs first.
Doesn’t it depend on how you think of “need”? I have an emotional need to please my partner, and to gain approval. I also have physical needs but satisfying my partner first takes the pressure off of me, so you could say that is selfish, in a way. But nobody has ever complained about it! ;)

I will say that one of the things I enjoy most about being en femme in an intimate situation is getting to be docile, submissive and eager to please. :)

[QZ2]

A really satisfying sexual experience starts with both partners having the enjoyment. I couldn't agree more with Emma and with Randi. I aleays make sure my wife of 27 years has the enjoyment and satisfaction she deserves. First. I feel strongly that my femme side has made me a better lover.

I have at times felt I was a woman making love to another woman, asking myself, "If I was a woman, knowing my own needs and what gives me the most pleasure, how would I go about pleasing the woman I am with?" I can't say that I am 10% or 20% or 80% female but my wife is better off because of that side of me.

As we get older we certainly make love less often but the quality has not wavered and hopefully improved. Selfishness has no place in lovemaking. If she is not in the mood it is easily recognized by the response to my advances and I stop. But if she makes the first move and I am not "in the mood" I will find a way to satisfy her anyway. That's where my femme side helps a lot and by the time she is being satisfied I find myslef becoming very much in the mood anyway. Lucky me.

To all the Hetero CD's out there, our femme side can certainly be a benifit to our SO's. Let them enjoy the gift we have.

Lotsa hugs, QZ

[carson]

Hi Emma, Good thread!

Your experience sounds just like mine and I also agree with Sophia. I personally don't think it's my crossdressing, per se, that is why I am a sensitive, attentive lover. The crossdressing has always been just a way to get in touch (a conduit you might say) with my feminine side. It's just my sensitive, wanting to please nature whether in male or female mode, that would want me to focus on my wife or girlfriends' enjoyment. In fact, I would often feel guilty if I was receiving a certain, ah, stricktly male focused pleasure. I think most woman really appreciate a sensitive, attentive lover but also do enjoy occassionally an agressive/domineering man - it makes them feel very feminine. At least, that's my experince.

[Kimberley]

The one comment I heard repeatedly is that my sexual approach was more female than male so I cant really relate to the aggressive side of things. If anything I have always been the passive one and very in touch with my female sexual side ; at least in the past. Today? Who cares?

I dont think I could put a male/female percentage on my personality. I just am. I have strong female needs, desires and traits just as I have male. We all do, regardless of gender. I think what sets us apart from the general population is that we transgendered recognize our female traits and have a deep need to celebrate them whereas the general population do not. We all know GG's who have strong male personality traits (my wife) and have no desire to present as males just as there are males in the same boat. We are unique and I have come to realize this is a blessing even though it is also a source of anguish.

It is a state of mind and I dont mind; Everyone else does.

Hugs.
Kimberley.