Can you explain yourself?

[Rogina B]

Jennifer's thread "It's different now" got me as I watched the enthusiastic responses. So...Can you explain yourself? I will pick on Jennifer...She is cute with good presentation. She is at a "wine bar" where it is quiet. It is not the disco with loud thump thump music,so conversation is very possible..and real. Many chimed in about the mainstreamness of the wine bar...So, a polished gentleman decides to strike up conversation with Jennifer. He is divorced/widowed,etc andreally isn't showing off that "he has the fire down below"..He compliments Jennifer and the conversation moves on,etc.She tells him a fib that she is from out of town,etc and he tells her a fib or two. Then it gets real. So,are you interested in a "date" tomorrow ? Jennifer then says that so sorry,she is happily married. THEN,the question gets asked "So,why do you want to look like a woman,yet not attract a man?" Why do you dress this way? The guy decides to leave Jennifer alone as it isn't going anywhere..she never answered his questions.. Next, an attractive woman of Jennifer's age sit's down beside her. "I really like that dress on you and your handbag and shoes really go so well with it". "She has "no fire down below" but genuinely interested in knowing the person in the cute dress. "Do you?" .."Have you?" " How Long?" Type of questions follow. And then.."Why do you do this?" comes out inquizatively.[?] How do some of you answer that? You don't Identify as "two spirit",transgender,trans anything...You say that you are a male that is "crossdressing". I will say from experience that in quieter,mainstream places,you are apt to be "put on the spot" and you ought to work on your answer before you ever go there. What will you say to this curious lady ?

[LeslieSD]

Good questions.

I am wondering if I live in a farm, or somewhere there is no other person for miles, would I still dress? Or still takes time to make myself look good and present well. My answer is probably a no. So I think my dressing has some social aspect of it - need to be accepted as a woman and be praised and admired.

I guess for most people (crossdress or not) it is normal for people wanting to look good. And most of it is not necessarily for the reason of attracting a sexual mate. People want to look good to feel good. People want to look good to be more socially appreciated. There are many reasons I guess, and attracting sexual mate is only a small section of it and it mostly happens at certain age of your life.

We crossdressers just happen to associate a good look with a nice feminine image. Could that explain it?

[Jenniferathome]

Regina, let me first address the wine bar. It is in the dead center of a large upscale pedestrian mall. There is a smaller interior part and a larger open air seating area. When I sat down alone there were maybe 15 people sitting to my right and left. When Kristyn joined me the next night there were about 30 people there. Conversation was quite doable.

I do take pride in my appearace and always try to be the best I can be. Call it vanity or pride, I do the best with what I have. Now, as to being approached by a man or woman... I seriously doubt a man would ever approach me unless he was wearing beer goggles. But, if that should happen, I would politely tell him I'm not looking for company. If he were to ask, with genuine curiosity, "What's up with this crisis dressing thing?" I would answer him. I would try to explain why cross dressing is not related to sexual orientation. I can inform you that I have done this very thing on two occasions. One time at bar in San Francisco when Rachael, Allie and I invited ourselves to sit at a young couples table. Both he and his wife were curious and we chatted about it. I even wrote about on this forum: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?209864-Home-after-a-great-night-out-in-San-Francisco&highlight=San+francisco. ( wow did I look like a wreck back then). I am sure that Allie remembers this. A second time, I was dining with Rachael and the guy at the counter next to me asked and we chatted about it.

Should a woman ask me the "why" question, I would answer her in the exact same way. Again, if asked out of real curiosity. Should someone wish to embarrass me I'd wish them a nice day and part ways. I found just such an example here:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?222411-quot-What-do-you-think-of-all-this-quot&highlight=San+francisco


I am not ashamed of myself and frankly, I enjoy the opportunity to dispel the myths about cross dressing. Regarding your comment "work on your answer" that's just not a need. One can not be put on the spot when the truth is the answer. There's only one truth so it's easy to remember.

link the the referenced thread: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?239279-Yes-it-s-definitely-different-now

[Pat]

The problem with your hypothetical man and hypothetical woman is that they're seeking answers that satisfy them about someone else's existence. It's not about them. And the person does not have to justify their existence. They exist.

I've fielded the "why do you dress like that if you're not trying to attract a man?" question and it's very simple: I dress to please me. I crossdress to please me. And nobody else gets a vote. ;)

[Tracii G]

I have been asked questions by perfect strangers that were curious and I always tell the truth.
Been asked the why do you dress as a female if not to pick up a man so I explained thats not why I do it.
I do it because it lets me be me then explain how gender and sex are not the same thing (you know the drill).
One lady asked me what if you had a guy come over and ask you out on a date?
I said well if he was respectful and seemed interested I might give him my phone number so we could get to know each other.
She said you are very much a girl because thats what I would do.
I think they came away with a better understanding and could see I wasn't just trolling for men I was actually being me.

[OCCarly]

Some guys restore classic cars or motorcycles and put them on public display. That does not mean that you want to sell it, or let a stranger sit in it or drive it. You just want to show off your beautiful creation and get compliments on it and self affirmation. How is dressing pretty and going to a wine bar any different?

[Nikki.]

For me it would be a totally honest answer: I don't know. Because I don't. If I look at abstractly, the whole exercise seems rather pointless and a waste of resources (in an economic sense). But, for some reason I can't determine, I have a need to do so. And I enjoy it when I do. And I don't just want to sit around in my house when I'm in girl mode.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Rogina,
Jen and I actually had a similar discussion about this.
Although many people may be curious about us, they can
really never be 100% positive what they're looking at.
Asking someone if they are transexual, or a man in a dress,
is a rather bold move, kinda like asking an overweight woman
when the baby is due. Awkwarrrrrdd!
I have never been asked the question why, and I'd prefer to just let
people assume whatever they will about me.
If the situation ever arises, I would hope the person chats with me
a while before they bust out the why question.
If it ever just comes up, and I have to give them an answer it may go
something like Marcelle had written a while back....

Going Out - Explaining it to someone
Hi all . . . promise not a rant or ramblings of Isha's mind but, just a story about an encounter I had yesterday.

I had taken an Isha day yesterday because I wanted to buy some Capri pants I had seen while shopping "en boy" with my wife (she actually suggested the Isha day so I could try them on - I do not do the boy trying girl clothes on thing). So, after getting dressed (first time not using beard cover . . . just foundation - laser is a wonderful thing) and trying some nail art (purple polka dots on yellow - fingers / toes - opposite colours) I grabbed my keys and drove to the city. I took public transit down to the city center and went about my day. I did meet up with some GG friends for lunch and talk, got my pants (love them) and decided as Isha always does . . . Starbucks, reading and people watching to finish out the day.

I normally like to sit outside but it was full so I had to sit inside. Now it was busy with lots of folks and I found a corner table next to a group of young women (20 something). I got a few stares and there were some hushed whispers conversation probably went something like this:

Don't all look at once but I think that is a guy . . . and naturally they all turned around and looked When this happens, I normally just smile because I know it is curiosity and not meanness.

I continued reading and could overhear their conversation and they were talking about the new series that came out "Dracula". I know the series well as being fans of all things horror my wife and I have watched it. Now I got the distinct feeling as I was reading and the table conversation was a bit more quiet that I was getting stared at again. So I looked up and they were staring. So I just smiled again and then one of the women said "We really like your nails". I said thank-you and then one of the other said "Sorry, but we have to ask . . . uh . . . are you a . . . " Now I suppose I could have got upset over such a direct question but they were young women and to be honest it was a legitimate question so I let them off the hook and said (girl voice mind you) "Yes, I am a guy". Now this led to me being pulled into their conversation but it was just talk and most of it centered around television series they like to watch . . . the topic of me being TG never came up (at least not for a bit of time).

There was an awkward silence moment (you know when conversation starts to die down) and then one of the women simply asked "Why do you do it? Go out dressed like a girl I mean" Let me put this in context for you. This was not a facetious question but one of curiosity. You have to admit to the uninitiated it can seem quite odd "Dude dresses up like a girl. Doesn't look like a girl but just plops him/herself down in the world for all to see" So I cut her some slack and responded back with "Good question but I am not sure I can explain it so you would understand as it is just something that feels so right" She may have been shaking her head and saying "I see", but I don't think she understood. Then a perfect analogy dawned on me since she was one of the women who absolutely loved the new Dracula series. Bear with me now as Isha is about to get all nerdy on you

I asked her if she remembered the episode where Dracula walks in the light of day for the first time in 400 years to which she said it was one of her favorite episodes. I asked he did she remember how the actor portrayed Dracula as he felt the sun on his face. She responded "pure and utter joy". To which I responded "that is me". She was still a bit confused so I told her I might not be a 400 year old vampire but I have hidden this part of me from the world for a very long time and when I made the active decision to come out and finally go out it was like finding a lost part of me. Much like Dracula revelled in the feeling of the sun on his skin after 400 years, I revelled in the feeling of sun on my face "en girl" out in the world with people around me no longer having to hide in the darkness. This is the feeling I kindle each and every time I go out.

I am not certain she got the entire analogy but she did seem to understand. At that point I had to catch my bus so I thanked them for the pleasant inclusion and left. Will I ever see these women again? Most likely not as it is a big city. However, it did feel really good just to be another person in the conversation. So like Dracula who yearns to be out in the sun, that is the reason I like to take Isha out in the world so she can be just another person with the sun on her face.

Hugs

Isha

(OK, minus the purple polka dots. Ya'll know I LOVE blue!)
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Teresa]

Rogina,
You don't have to be dressed to be asked these questions.
I have had several conversations with both genders on the subject of why, usually it happens with SAs when shopping but now I'm out to some members of my art group I have to explain that's it's more than just a man in a dress. My pictures help a great deal to put that message across, I would prefer to be dressed but in my home town it's more difficult.
I'll repeat the story of the SA in the opticians who came out to me, when I asked him to help me with some female style glasses, he was struggling with the question of dressing for a party and realising he liked it too much , it felt good to talk to him about what to do and how to deal with it.

[PaulaQ]

So,are you interested in a "date" tomorrow ? Jennifer then says that so sorry,she is happily married. THEN,the question gets asked "So,why do you want to look like a woman,yet not attract a man?"

I'd have to answer "because lesbians exist."

[Rogina B]

Nothing sexual intended ! I was getting at the fact that in a quiet setting. conversing is more likely and I was curious as to what people's answers might be. After all,Jennifer insists that she is a very male crossdresser and it is an occasional thing. For others,it is different. No one asks what is in your panties but they are curious why you are like this,so they ask. Jennifer never said what her response would be as well as some others that misunderstood me. " Why are you like this?" asks the nice lady. What do you tell her?

[Kate Simmons]

I will explain myself to someone if they explain themself to me. :battingeyelashes::)

[mechamoose]

The problem with your hypothetical man and hypothetical woman is that they're seeking answers that satisfy them about someone else's existence. It's not about them. And the person does not have to justify their existence. They exist.

I've fielded the "why do you dress like that if you're not trying to attract a man?" question and it's very simple: I dress to please me. I crossdress to please me. And nobody else gets a vote. ;)

I'm quoting just to get this idea up twice.

Just because I'm attractive to you doesn't mean I intended to spark your interest. When I go to Gay Pride events I end up with a trail...but my dance card is full. I have a wife and a male lover. I'm not going to become helium heels no matter how cute you are.

You have the right to be *smokin* and not have a net in the water.

Kitty / Moose

[LaurenS]

Great analogy, Isha,

[Mollyanne]

The real answer to these"questions" will be the answers that will be given at the time of the asking. We all could theorize what we will say and react but until this situation actually happens it is all conjecture.

Molly

[Connie D50]

Occarly the car was a great nice response :-)

[Karen RHT]

I would tell those who ask, I crossdress for the same reasons I ride motorcycles, play hockey, or fish...it's both challenging and rewarding.


Karen

[sometimes_miss]

Sure I can explain it. But I'm not 'out', so I don't have to. Anyone who wants to know why I crossdress can read my bio, the link is at the bottom of each of my posts. It's all there in black and white, no mystery, the reasons are plain to see.



I guess for most people (crossdress or not) it is normal for people wanting to look good. And most of it is not necessarily for the reason of attracting a sexual mate. People want to look good to feel good. People want to look good to be more socially appreciated.
The part that you're missing, is that what is considered 'looking good', just happens to be exactly what also attracts mates of the opposite sex. So while you might not consider what you're doing, as intentionally doing it to attract women while you're dressing 'to look good' in your male clothing, by default you're doing it anyway.

I often get into this argument with gay women on other forums; they get very angry when it is ever suggested that any women puts a lot of work into looking 'good' in order to be attractive to men. They insist that women 'dress for themselves', or 'dress in order to impress other women'. And while that might be the case, what has always been defined as 'looking good' is, styles that are attractive to men.

[Kurtmath]

I believe that you only need to explain yourself to one person and that is you. If you know who you are, the explanation will come easy. Knowing who you are can be difficult. But I believe that deep down everyone know who they are.

[Jenniferathome]

... Jennifer never said what her response would be as well as some others that misunderstood me. " Why are you like this?" asks the nice lady. What do you tell her?

This is the simplest answer: genetics. Does a heterosexual or gay person choose to be straight or gay? No, they are born this way. I am no different. I was born this way.

[Sarah Doepner]

At the point where the explanation beings to be accepted and they recognize we are mostly harmless, it's time for the follow up question to them.

Why was it necessary for me to hide this part of myself for so long?

[EllieOPKS]

In reading the post and the responses, it seems most of you (us) are somewhat offended by being asked about cross dressing. Maybe if we look at it in a different light, we should be laying the foundation for acceptance. I think it has a domino effect IF the response is not defensive and the other person walks away with the thought you are a good person. Gays & lesbians didn't reach a point of acceptance by going on the defensive. Just a thought.

[Teresa]

Ellie,
I don't mind being asked at all , I'm not offended.

Molly,
I have been asked the question and had to explain it, I mostly thank the forum for being able to do that.

[Jenniferathome]

I believe that you only need to explain yourself to one person and that is you. ...

Kurt, I think the foundation from which you start is critical. No cross dresser has an obligation to explain oneself, that is true. It's really no one's business, BUT... if you think of this as an opportunity to change minds or dispel myths, then explaining is a fantastic thing. So it is not a justification of me, that I am trying to pass on to the normals but a basic education so that they can jump in to a conversation among their friends and pass an option.

[2B Natasha]

I have one. It's a dry long thoughtout answer to the question. Pity nobody wants to ever sit through the whole thing. But I do have one. It even has drawnings to help illustrate things. No. None of them are vulgar but the explanation does take in the whole of gender and the gender spectrum. So. I'm ready. Actually. I was only ask once that I can remember and that was from a lady who later became my current wife. I don't remember what I told her but it must have made some sort of sense since she married me.

[Cheryl T]

Why do I do this???
I have no Freaking Clue....

It's just part of me and somewhere along the way I felt this attraction to women's clothing (I was about 5 or 6) and here I am. Personally I believe it's based in genetics. I'm from a small town, not some big city with wild culture swings, it was the early 50's so lots of this was never uttered in mixed company. In my generation there are 4 boys (I have 2 uncles) and of us 3 are gay and I'm...well you know what I do.
We are not all the same age and had quite varied experiences growing up and yet.....so go figure. My money is on genetics.

[Rogina B]

Here is the reason that I asked the question..A couple of weeks ago,I got a friend request on FB from someone that I did not know but with investigation discovered that she was from my area in Mass. So,I asked her why? She told me that she was the wife of a CD and her husband was a FB friend of mine..I accepted. I do not really know her SO other than in passing at First Event. She posts lots of pictures of herself and her adventures out. She has never revealed any real details to me so I assumed she led a closeted life other than when she was away from home. Well,her wife started spilling to me and said that her husband was going to "come out to " his two sisters with her encouragement.[Her words] My response was " As a what?" A part time Barbie doll? A transgender person? Someone with serious GID that needs out?? How do you explain yourself if you are "fully male" and return to the "Batcave" at the end of your outings ? I could not see this woman's husband stepping over the line and revealing his GID..

[Kurtmath]

Kurt, I think the foundation from which you start is critical. No cross dresser has an obligation to explain oneself, that is true. It's really no one's business, BUT... if you think of this as an opportunity to change minds or dispel myths, then explaining is a fantastic thing. So it is not a justification of me, that I am trying to pass on to the normals but a basic education so that they can jump in to a conversation among their friends and pass an option.

Very true. Education on any topic always helps enlighten people!

[Confucius]

I don't go out dressed so no one has ever asked me, however I often ask myself the same question.

Of course, I do it because it makes me happy. It would be nicer if I thought I was pretty (I am not), but even so, I cannot deny that there are sensations of well-being, comfort, and pleasure. It's as if crossdressing is a fix for my world. And it's all in my head. So why does it make me happy, when the vast majority of the male population feels none of these sensations.

Now we're talking about brain biology and how these sensations are generated. Your brain's neural connections are made during synaptogenesis. Synaptogenesis can occur throughout your life, however there are two critical periods, infancy and puberty. Also synesthesia is a neurological phenomenon in which stimulation of one sensory pathway leads to automatic, involuntary experiences in a second sensory pathway. So your brain can pick up one stimulus and interpret it as another. You can wear some women's clothing and your brain can interpret it as actual contact/identification with a female. It is an automatic and involuntary response. And this will cause the brain will release the dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and other feel-good neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters are responsible for the feel-good sensations I receive from crossdressing.

So, crossdressing makes me happy, just because my brain is hardwired that way.

[Nadine Spirit]

So...Can you explain yourself?..."So,why do you want to look like a woman,yet not attract a man?"... Why do you dress this way? ...."Do you?" ... "Have you?" ..." How Long?"..."Why do you do this?"... How do some of you answer that?... What will you say to this curious lady ?

I suppose that my answer does not quite belong as I identify as transgender..... but I can answer this as I have answered it in the past, when I was unaware of my own TG status. This has generally only ever come up while dressed as a man, and people have questioned why my fingernails are painted. Ready? Here is my answer - because I like to. It makes me happy.

Generally that answer never satisfied anyone and they wanted more details, but alas, I had none to give. So I would ask them, do you like chocolate or vanilla ice cream better. They would answer, and then I would ask them, why they like that one. It tended to prove my point. We like what we like, because we like it.



I will say from experience that in quieter,mainstream places,you are apt to be "put on the spot" and you ought to work on your answer before you ever go there.

I will dispute that one will be "apt" to be put on the spot. Have I been put on the spot? Well yeah, but I don't if I have ever been while fully dressed as a woman. And this is after like 10+ years of going out to mainstream places.

[flatlander_48]

My answer...

Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away there lived an evil prince who paid me to...

Well, that's probably bordering on TMI.

So, the vanilla answer would be that part of me has a distinct female bent and it is unhealthy to try to supress it. That part needs to BE and see the light of day with some frequency. To not allow that part to live creates a friction and a sadness that is completely unnecessary. I have never really been uncomfortable with this part of me. And while it is a fraction, it is still a VERY important part. I would not be ME without it.

And finally, how I present doesn't specifically have much to do with sexuality. I have attracted and been intimate with men, as a submissive man, long before I dressed. I wouldn't expect things to be significantly different if I was dressed.

DeeAnn

[Rogina B]

I suppose that my answer does not quite belong as I identify as transgender..... but I can answer this as I have answered it in the past, when I was unaware of my own TG status.



I will dispute that one will be "apt" to be put on the spot. Have I been put on the spot? Well yeah, but I don't if I have ever been while fully dressed as a woman. And this is after like 10+ years of going out to mainstream places.
That is one of my points..We accept that we are transgender and can explain that. Some people feel they are not transgender at all. So,how do they explain themselves?

[Jenniferathome]

Simply. I'm a guy. I like "guy" things. I identify as a guy, always. Yet, despite this, for a reason I can only assign to genetics, I occasionally like to cross dress. When dressed, I am still a guy. I still think like myself. There is only one me. I was born this way.

[LelaK]

Confucius: So, crossdressing makes me happy, just because my brain is hardwired that way.

What if we had the means to rewire the wiring? Would society then have an excuse to rewire our brains for us for our own good? After all, we'd be happy with the new wiring after it was forced on us. Or would we still be resentful for being forced? What if they could rewire or reprogram us not to be resentful too?

[Pat]

They tried that in the 50's and 60's with involuntary lobotomies and electro-shock. Turns out it wasn't a popular solution. ;)

[docrobbysherry]

No one has ever asked me, "Why do u do this?" Especially the guys that have come on to me! I don't think most people care or even want to know.:straightface:

I HAVE had people ask what it feels like? And, a hotel manager manager in Cambodia asked if it was fun? I told him, yes!

Yes! Fun, exciting, a turn on. That's why I do it!:D

When that stops, so will my dressing!:brolleyes:

[Jenniferathome]

Sherry, the only problem with your answer, which is 100% real and honest, is that it doesn't make sense to the normals.

Yesterday, Nadine was using an example of what ice cream do you like and then why? We can accept the one person likes strawberry vs chocolate because the answer has no value or impact. Strawberry is not weird. Our brains can let that one go. But cross dressing?!? That has some value. It's weird. It's outside the known universe of answers so our brains can't let go.

[flatlander_48]

Sherry, the only problem with your answer, which is 100% real and honest, is that it doesn't make sense to the normals.

Well, that's also true for quantum physics and plate tectonics, but in spite of that, it exists.

DeeAnn

[Stephanie47]

The only person who knows of my desire to wear feminine clothing is my wife. Decades ago she asked those questions or similar questions. The truth answer was and still is "I don't know why I do what I do!" I have no clue. The answer is not that I like women's clothing (I do) or the feel of the fabric (I do), the colors and prints (I do), but, why? No clue.

My wife said with the last year that she feels there are many people who are influenced by experiences in a prior life. That's her reasoning. Her statement came up while watching something on the television and had nothing to do with any conversion we had going on at the time. The last time she and I talked about cross-dressing was more than thirty-five years ago. Actually, her reasoning sounds good to me. It keeps my off the hook.

[Rogina B]

Simply. I'm a guy. I like "guy" things. I identify as a guy, always. Yet, despite this, for a reason I can only assign to genetics, I occasionally like to cross dress. When dressed, I am still a guy. I still think like myself. There is only one me. I was born this way.

So,After you explain that you are a guy that is crossdressing while you drink wine,you may need to pee. Do you head for the "woman's room" ?

[Jenniferathome]

Yep. It's based on presentation not equipment. I would standout in the men's room.

[Rogina B]

As a full time girl,I don't care where you pee. But,your answer,combined with how you explain yourself, only goes to support THEIR argument of no men in the lady's room..

[Jenniferathome]

So I have to IDENTIFY as female in order to use the ladies room? Can people see how I identify? Not so much.

No, they see what I look like. The world can see how one is presenting. Presenting female but identifying as male (me) or presenting female and identifying as female (you), or presenting female and being a genetic woman, the result is the same for the outside world: a female presentation is happening. I use the restroom that matches my presentation, not my gender identity. By the way, what if someone identifies as nether male or female, can they not use any restroom?

The bathroom laws are all about genitalia and they're completely unenforceable. But, by using the ladies room in such jurisdictions (except for Target stores), I am as objectionable as a transwoman, if one were to check my junk.