coming out to your SO

[sara66]

I came out to my wife in December, we have been married for 11 year & I am about to turn 50. I have read many threads about people coming out in the late 40's & early 50's or being married for 10-15 years.This makes me wonder if we just can't hide anymore or no longer care if any one know. I just wanted to know how long you were married & how old you were when you finally came out to your SO.
Sara

[carrie001]

Is was 43 and we were together 20 years. I think it wss equal parts can't hide anymore, don't care who knows anymore, and don't want to lie anymore.

[Mykaa]

Well I dont have a SO but, I have come out to a few people, after 40 plus years of hiding, really Im kinda tired of that. Im me and Im not ashamed of me.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

I was 45 and we were married 11 years.

[elliemoss]

It is very interesting, there does seem to be an up-rise in general globally TG.CD related stories/news/media. I think it could also have something to do with age, I guess the older you get the less you tend to care what other people think. I am single at the moment. I have only been in one serious relationship before that lasted 6 years (5 living together). In that time I 100% hid my CD'ing from my GF and it really took a toll on me so for me the next relationship I get into I'm gonna come out pretty quickly to her.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

I've been married for 30+ years and am now in my 50's.

I first broached the subject while we were still in college and a couple of years before we were married.

I only wore occasional pieces of feminine clothing at that time but not unexpectedly it grew slowly from there.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

i was 55 and married at that time for 27 yrs
still married but our marriage is not the one
it once was

[Mollyanne]

i was 55 and married at that time for 27 yrs
still married but our marriage is not the one
it once was

I can relate to the fact that "our marriage is not the one it once was"

Molly

[stacycoral]

I told my SO before we were married, and i have had my limits from time to time. still married after 25 years.

[JocelynJames]

I came out to her at 42 after 5 years being married. My X never knew and we were together 16 years. Coming out to my SO was a good decision for me and us.

[JamieG]

Welcome to the forum, Sara! I am in my mid-40's and have been married for 15 years. I came out two years after marriage (we dated for 4 years before that). In my case, I finally realized that "getting married wouldn't cure me of crossdressing." I also think the ability of people to discuss crossdressing over the internet anonymously has given us courage that was more difficult to come by in the pre-Internet days.

[Jess S.]

I told my new SO 3 years into our relationship we have been together 6 years.
I am in my 50 s and very lucky she is accepting.

[ariannavt]

I didn't really begin to sort it out until I was somewhere around 36 or 37. We had been married for about 12 years I don't recall a specific coming out. Instead it was a series of discussions where she would ask questions about how I was feeling, and I would answer as honestly as I could. I had a lot of confusion about what I was feeling and had no idea what I wanted (or needed). It took a year or so before the picture really solidified... and now, about two and a half years later I still have plenty of questions; however I have a more solid sense of me.

TLDR; I didn't have a point where I "came out" to my wife. It was a multi-year process of exploration.

[alice clair]

I told my so on our first date, but I have known her since I was three years old. I am now 60 and she is my best friend and buys me things on a regular basis. We have been married for 24 years.

[Kim_Bitzflick]

I came out to my wife after we had been married 15 years. The more interesting thing is that I came out to myself at the same time. It wasn't until then that I realized I was a crossdresser. Although looking back at it I had been curious since I was about 11 years old.

[Sarah Beth]

I never came out rather I was found out after four years of marriage. Then it was back in the closet for a number of years until I finally had to have a talk with her about it again. I know that hindsight is a whole lot better than foresight but I really wish that I had just told her and discussed it with her to begin with rather than have her find out the way she did. I am a lot better educated about it all and my feelings about it now than I was then. I think one of the reasons I didn't tell her was that I was so uncomfortable with it myself that there was no way I could expect her to understand.

[Sarah Louise]

I only told my wife 3 months ago. I was 47 and we'd been married 20 years. Mind you, I've only been dressing for the last 1.5 years after a long break that stretches back to before I met her.

My main reason for telling was I didn't want to live a lie for the rest of my life. Fortunately, although she no doubt would rather I didn't dress and doesn't want to see me en femme, she accepts this part of me.

I'm so glad I plucked up the courage to tell her.

[Amy Fakley]

I was 39, we'd been married 17 years.

I think it was just that a lifetime of hiding, and lying and covering my tracks and dealing with shame and anxiety and depression that come with all that had just finally had worn me down to the point that, honestly ... I was just at the end of my rope. She caught me browsing dresses on Amazon, and I literally could not stomach another lie, and another cover up, and I just broke.

Coming out to her was, without any shadow of a doubt the best thing I ever did for my marriage. It was so hard, and so painful exposing all my shameful bits to someone I loved so dearly. It was hard, there is no two ways about that, but it was so worth it. My only regret is that I didn't tell her from the very beginning.

I documented the whole experience in excruciating detail in this thread (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?216709-Amy-Finally-Came-Out!) (if you're interested)

[wendy]

I admitted to my wife about my CDing last year, at the age of 44. We've been married for about 4 years, but living common law for over 14. She had her inklings, for example my expansive collection of one piece swimwear, but as many mentioned, coming out was the hardest thing ever.

I did not know what her reaction would be, but thankfully she was supportive and the only concern was "why did you not tell me sooner ?".

[reb.femme]

I met my wife when I was 14 years old and I came out four years ago, aged 52. Pushing 57 now...eek! Married for 36 years. How the years have flown by. :eek:

My little hobby has been with me since I was about 10, so just thought that I was a naughty boy (read perv) with my love of girl clothes. The whole CD thing really hit me big style a few years back which culminated in being caught by my wife when I was dressed in her nightie and gown. The upside though? You should see my wardrobe and chest of drawers overflowing with girl kit. :heehee:

As has been discussed on here before, it would have been lovely to have told my wife many years ago, but what to tell her? I love dressing in your softest clothes and having a guys solo sex session whilst dressed? There was little info available about our special interest back in the day, so you live with your secret and life carries on without being out to anyone else.

Becky

[Teresa]

Sara,
I came out to my wife in my forties, and by that time had been married twenty years. I couldn't live in solitary confinement anymore but still cared very much what people thought obviously my wife was top of that list.
It had to happen at some point but as I've said before there never is a right time, I had kids at school , my business to run but at the same time was being torn apart inside, it was like taking a millstone off my shoulders but I'm afraid it went downhill badly for some time, our relationship has never been the same since , life is just a series of compromises now, but I still have a family and I'm still a husband, father and now grandfather they respect me for trying to retain that .

[SherriePall]

We were married nearly 25 years. That was over 15 years ago. Age-wise, I am on Medicare (do the math to get an approximate).
Still together (amazingly after a really rough first couple of days).
Basically, in a DADT situation which bends from time-to-time. She does do laundry, but I have to be careful not to overdo it.
Why did I tell? Can't really say. How did I tell? Just blurted it out one night in bed as I was upset over something. I seem to make big decisions when I am angry.
That's my story.

[bridget thronton]

She had seen me wearing her clothes (with permission) when we were first married (I was 23). It was probably 20 years before I told her I needed to get my own clothes and dress more often. We have been married 40 years and I dress openly (dadt was not for me)

[Maria 60]

For myself I took a big chance and told her one week back from our honeymoon, I seen that the dressing wasn't going to stop and I didn't want to live the life of a fugitive for the rest of my life. I thought she was going to run to her mother and tell her that she married a fag. Instead she excepted it and with a few rule that we were both happy to live with its now thirty years later. So I was 24 at the time.

[Nikki.]

mid 40's, together for 25, married for 15. she knew about hosiery and other bedroom lingerie since the beginning. early on I convinced her to try makeup on me. was very no bueno. repressed anything other than lingerie with her until a few months ago when I came to the realization I was totally in denial about my true gender issues and had repressed them for 20+ years (desire to fully CD sometimes and some mixed gender feelings occasionally). I would occasionally try some of her clothes when she wasn't around. so I came out to myself first, then to her. so far so good, but I don't let it take over or compete with my other responsibilities. interestingly since the big revelation, I'm kinda meh about the lingerie side, no desire to underdress and just want to dress fully and go out once in a while.

[Taylor186]

I crossdressed fully or almost fully in front of my wife at least a dozen times in our seven year courtship, starting at age 42 for me and 40 for her, and yet she didn't realize I was a crossdresser until we had a discussion about one year after we were married. She has big city Ivy League Bachelors and Masters degrees and lived in NYC for over a year after graduating. I only add this to emphasize that she was not small-town naive. We have successfully worked through her concerns, as far a I know, and have boundaries and limits that work for both of us. I don't have to hide anything and yet I don't flaunt it either.

I was able to retire in my early 50s and from that point on I was much less concerned about who knew although I still consider myself in the closet to close friends and family. I don't bring it up and neither do they.

[Tina_gm]

I was 48. Had been married to my wife for 6 months when I told her. 3 years after we had gotten together, although we had known each other for nearly 20 years before, casual friends from a former job. It was shortly before I told her, I came to decide to stop fighting the urges. Fighting not to be a CDer. It had been a war I waged with myself since a teenager. I remember the moment when I said to myself, enough, I can't take it anymore. It was still a few months before I spilled it. The night I told her sort of just happened. I had been leaving a few hints here and there.... I thought anyway. She still seemed very surprised about it all. Initially it was very rough. A lot of anger, and a couple of times some name calling that the filters will not allow. It is still rough at times, not as rough. We have settled into mostly a IDWTSI type of deal, with some discussion here and there. Lately, and I am hoping I am wrong, but I feel a sense of backtracking from her acceptance wise. A lot of news of bathrooms, caitlyn jenner... None of it seems to sit well with her, and I am feeling a sense she seems more uncomfortable about it as of late, although there has been no changes to what we have worked on as agreements of me not dressing around her. It could be me, IDK, I hope I am wrong. I feel a big discussion coming on at some point.

[Secret Sis]

I came out to my wife just last year at age 54, married for 16 years. She was quite surprised but was understanding and has become more accepting as time has gone on and our relationship has been as strong as ever. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world!

[ringo]

I came out when i was 19 and we were together for a few months :)

[jeanieinabottle]

I'm into the second half of my 60's and came out to my wife 6 years ago after 40 years of marriage. I know I had tendencies since I was 3-4 but for some reason when I met my wife, dating and married I had no desire to let the female side out. Only after a couple years of marriage did that urge return. While we hear all the difficulties of coming out to a spouse now, I think that 40 years ago it was much more difficult. Then we were just termed "crazy" and with few places to turn for help or support. Nobody talked about this then other than in whispers behind your back. Then, because of the times, you hold it in, keep it a secret until it almost breaks you apart from the inside and can no longer live within a secret. That was my story. Today, both my wife and I are happy with who I am and we've both grown. Now I'm just the crazy old guy.
Dr. J

[Liz57]

I have written this twice on my phone at work and I messed up once and the second time it timed out on the forum and lost everything!!!

I am 62 and have been married for 37 years. I've been in the closet for around 40. After joining this forum it became obvious to me that I wasn't as weird as I thought and cding wasn't as unusual as I had thought.

Some here would say that I came out to my wife just so I could buy a corset. That's true in a sense. Since joining the forum I realized that I needed more than to just wear my wifes old dresses and panties. I wanted my own dresses, shoes that actually fit, a wig and yes, a corset. I decided it was time to come out to my wife especially since I was pretty certain she already knew and just hadn't said anything. I took the advice here about how to go about it and told her about 5 weeks ago. I was almost as surprised to find that she hadn't suspected since I had accidentally been shirtless around her once with bra marks as she was to find her husband of 37 years wears womens clothes.

It's working out ok, we're slowly making progress. She's not ready to see me dressed in women's clothes yet but she accepts it since it makes me happy. Little by little I'm exposing her to my habit. I've left my panties on my bed with other clothes after washing them. I asked awhile back if it would bother her if she could see that I was wearing a bra, no. How about bra marks, ok. What if I was wearing stockings and/or womens shoes at home while wearing mens shirt and pants? Ok too. We went to Hamburger Marys Friday night for one of the shows. That was just to give her more exposure while hopefully having a good time. It worked out ok.

One of the biggest benefits from coming out is now I don't have to hide my dresses, panties, bras, etc. in a garbage bag in the back of my closest. I am literally out of the closet. Maybe not totally because the dresses, skirts and blouses now hang on hangers in my closet. Panties and bras now in my dresser. Such a small thing but having the freedom to keep my lady clothes out in the open is just so cool. No more worry about did I accidentally leave something out. I can order clothes and have them shipped to our house and don't have to worry about prying questions. She probably won't want to see what I've bought at this point but if she does I'll be happy to show her.

I guess the next big step is when we both get the nerve for me to dress for her. I really hope that it gets to that point eventually where I can relax around the house with her home. I really look forward to being able to shop with her help. We've been in shopping situations recently and I don't know if she just can't tell I want to check out clothes and shoes or she can and just isn't ready for that yet. As I say, it's a work in progress. It's still in the early stages but I have a good feeling about this.

Liz:battingeyelashes:

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sara :hugs: ,Came out to my wonderful:love:wife of over 52yrs just after we got Married.

It has gone both ways over the years, At this point it's a tolerated DA/DT,
She knows about everything but just don't want to see me while I'm dressed...:daydreaming:...

[karynspanties]

My wife and I dated in High School, married at 18. We are now 52. She knew while we were dating. I actually was passable until my mid thirties. We used to go out a lot with me dressed. She used to style my long hair and do my make-up. We had a blast.

[Mindy Fey]

I came out to my wife after a year of being married and living together. I felt guilty hiding it from her and one day decided to fully dress up and show her. She laughed but was also a little upset. I had to explain to her that it didn't make me gay or any less attracted to her. She came around quickly and even initiated sex while i was dressed. Im lucky to have a wife that is pretty open minded about it. For us, it has always had a sexual component to it such as us getting dressed up and reading lesbian erotica together.

[Dana44]

I told my SO before we got together. However when I showed her my stuff, she was amazed and said that it had not registered with her. But now it does. We communicated a lot and it was bit of a rough start. But now she is accepting and it is nice. The best girl I have ever had and our relationship is close.

[Jennie2]

Hi Sara
I was 59 and we had been married for 30 years, and we are still married. Coming out is never easy and everyone will have a different experience, I was forced into it when I left out a nightie and couldn't lie any more.

Jennie

[chris80]

My wife found out when I was 35 and we had been married for 12 years. I was very scared that divorce was coming. I had dropped a few hints previously but they were taken as jokes at the time. She said that explains a lot and I'll help. It was better than my having an affair(unlikely). So we eventually found my style in wigs and have done a lot of shopping together. I rarely go out dressed at home but we go off to TV weekends and are much braver going out and about. Shopping for clothes is much better in female guise. I dress at home frequently, especially when I worked and came in stressed my wife would tell me to go and change into a dress. We have no kids but have now been married 48 years. My wife has been ill since 1980 and she feels crossdressing has possibly helped to keep our marriage together. If there is little else to talk about then discussions about fashions keep our thoughts together. We cannot share clothes as we are three sizes apart but jewellery is shared. I got my ears pierced as soon as I retired ten years ago, clips were painful after long wearing. I feel very fortunate.

[almalove]

Is was 43 and we were together 20 years. I think it wss equal parts can't hide anymore, don't care who knows anymore, and don't want to lie anymore.

For me, it's not about what others will say or think, but about what I choose, I've been married for 20 years now and I'm choose to not come out, ever, if I can help it, my personal feeling and likes I will keep with me, I just choose to value my marriage and life as my male self more than my other self, even though it's there always and it's not going away any time soon, I just choose that, but that's just me, best wishes on your choose, OXOXOX

[Jenny Doolittle]

What a great post for several reasons....

One, It really shows that most of us here are very committed in our relationships, many of us being married for so long and truly in love with our wives. I have been married 42 wonderful years, but never told her till at least 20 years into our marriage.

Two, I think with those of us over the age of 50, and being without the internet to know there are far more people like ourselves out there, we thought or hoped this little quirk we had as a young boy would disappear after being married. As we all discovered, it doesn't.

I think with the internet and all the information in the public forum now, perhaps the negative view of who a transgender or CDing person is will be seen with more informed understanding. I hope younger people will not be so inclined to hide who they are inside and any shame of that person will dissipate, because you are still a good person within.

[Tina_gm]

This is my second marriage. My 1st never was told and still does not know. I was with my second wife a total of 3 and a half years before I told her, about 6 months into the marriage. That was also about 3 and a half years ago now. I am now 51. 48 when I told her. She has asked me why me, why now? And I have pondered this a bit. I still am not certain of the exact reason(s). It could definitely be a combo. Perhaps we have so much energy to fight ourselves, and at some point, that energy to deny and repress this just runs out. I have also thought that perhaps because my wife made me feel more secure as a man than I had ever felt before, that may be something to do with it. Another thought too, as I have found a deeper love for her than I had ever had with any other woman, that my feminine aspects of myself wanted to be a part of that love too. So, I really cannot say for certain why now. but I do have theories and think it is possible for more than one reason. Self acceptance also likely plays a part, as I had recently began to accept myself. When I 1st started dating my 2nd wife, I was still in deep repression and denial, but not sure what brought me to acceptance.

[sara66]

I agree with Jenny, Those of us that are over say 40-45ish (pre-internet) lived most of our lives thing we are freaks. Now we understand there are more of us out there, fitting into all parts of the spectrum.

Sara

[nikkiwindsor]

I shared my feminine nature with my wife before we were married and we've been happily married for 27 years. It hasn't always been easy but we're closer now than ever before.

[Raychel]

I was 45 years old and we had been married 12 years at the time.
That was 11 years ago. So it looks like we made it thru that stumbling block. :daydreaming:

[mcQuestGend]

For me it was just a couple of years ago after I wrote my first book. I was 43. Since it was somewhat of a life story about how I was introduced to the lifestyle, I didn't want her shocked if and when she read it. So after 13 years of marriage, I told her and told her what I was doing. As supportive as she tried to be, she is uncomfortable talking about it.

[Anita Cosmolover]

I'm early 50's and came out to my wife almost 3 years ago. She discovered one of my Cosmo magazines - left outside on a table. I then confessed that I wear lingerie. She was OK with the Cosmo's, but unhappy about the lingerie wearing. I've tried to get her to read up on this, but no joy so far. This is a slow work in progress. She can just tolerate my lingerie wearing so long as it's not in front of her.

[Beverley Sims]

My situation was known before I was married.

Sometimes I wonder if it will be fully tolerated ever.