Why do so many wives feel deceived when they find out you CD?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Is it because they feel they've caught you with another woman?

Is it because they feel they must not be womanly enough to satisfy you?

Why do they feel undermined?

Perhaps the answers seem obvious, but given that some wives are totally accepting, even excited by the idea, how come others are the opposite?

[Sandyhappygirl]

If we assume the crossdressing has been going on behind her back then surely it is the deception and lack of honesty more than anything (I could not do that and only started this journey with her so we can go on it together). Then there is the usual stereotypical reaction of 'oh my husband wants to wear women's clothes so he must be bi or gay'. That is societies programming that takes time to see through.

[pamela7]

okay, does a wife feel deceived if her husband: a) masturbates, b) drinks in secret, c) watches porn?

Would you feel deceived if she a) uses something without your participation, b) dressed as a man in secret?

I think the point is self-evident - revealing a secret later rather than sooner can feel like a deception, because it probably has been.

[Mollyanne]

I have heard all the "excuses, reason and metaphors" and have been in this situation myself so I can empathize. I myself didn't tell my wife until I was "forced" into totally revealing "my hidden self". All this REALLY comes down to the basic truth---------HOW COMFORTABLE ARE YOU and WHAT WILL THE REVELATION DO TO YOUR MARRIAGE???? these questions can only be answered by the individual.

Molly

[Karine]

I will assume that it's depend on each woman but trust must definitely the main issue. In couple relationships, women expect men to totally open up (maybe more than men).
Secondly, I will say the "fear" that her husband must be gay or want to transition.
And maybe there can be sometimes an issue of self-confidence (Am I not "feminine" enough ?)
Then may comes others : weirdness, judgement that crossdressing is bad (society, religion,...) and look of others (family, friends, neighbours).

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

my answer is a simple one "because you(Me) have been living a lie" for a very long time.
the penalty(for me anyways) is the loss of my wife's trust and a very different relationship
with her

[heatherdress]

The answer is different for everyone. It depends on the relationship and the circumstances. For some, their marriage is "living a lie" in and of itself.

[Shely]

I think my wife was hurt because she thought she wasn't woman enough and that i was trying to create a woman to play with. if fact i guess that is what i am doing is creating a woman to "play with". I must say that i have a great of a time playing. with Shely. She has accepted it to some degree, but we never talk about it. When asked if i could dress in the evenings while at home, she didn't like the idea. She has at times bought me dresses and things though.

[Alyssa Lane]

Sometimes mine has mentioned that Its a replacement for her because she thinks she's not good enough, not a big enough bust( even though the bottom makes up for it)
Mine slightly understands but still asks why I do it under everything when we go out. Its tough, if she gets frustrated she might say about it in a mad voice " why don't you go dress up"
But on the flip side she has asked my opinion on woman like things with makeup shoes and clothes to see if something works together well enough. Even asked if I had some foundation to use, lol

[Mykaa]

Well any guy who says I dont masturbate is as everyone likes to say lieing, right? I got accused of both lieing and cheating, and Yes I do speak from experience here. I also can say any of the other answers here are self evident. Insecurity also becomes an issue when they "as a woman are not enough for you". I also think this takes a strong woman to deal with cross dressing. My ex suffered from depression problems before I met her. I was caught and accused of cheating, I told her the items were mine, she didnt believe till I put the boots on. I dealt with Im ok with this to many questions, are you gay, why do you do this to also I dont want you doing this, I never understood the attitude switching back & forth between Im ok & I want you to be happy to not liking me cding. She was with me about 3 years after she found out, She eventually left for another man, she did go behind my back. also left me at home with the kids when she spent the night with him 1st time, (I knew of at least). So thats just my observations for what they are.

[Jenniferathome]

Ummm, because we DECEIVED them? Is this a trick question?

[Teresa]

Because we deceived them ! Our brains do a good job of deceiving us when we finally realise what Cding is all about, finding out you're born like it takes some getting use to.

As others have said each one of us has a different take on it , basically it scares most women and they're not sure how to deal with it. Some choose to go along with counselling and some don't , mine chose not to so she remains in the dark to what it all means.

[bridget thronton]

I have done a lot of reading here and else where. Keeping secrets seems to be the big concern and loss of status (you are married to one on them) if discovered by her friends or relatives seems seems to be another big one.

[Sandra]

I wasn't deceived so to speak, Nigella told me 6 months after we got married though there had been hints before I just didn't take them in. I felt at first that I wasn't enough of a woman for Nigella, but as time went on and I was re-assured that it wasn't that then I was more comfortable. I am one of the most accepting SO, not many here that are married to a post-op TS.

I can understand though why a lot of SO just can't accept, they feel that their husband didn't trust them to be able to tell them, like me the feel they are not enough of a woman, the husband makes it plain that they are better looking than their wife, there is more and hopefully more GGS will chime in.

[Angie G]

I can't answer that my wife never had an issue with my past dressing and keeping it from her.:hugs:
Angie

[Jenn A116]

I'm not sure I'm following your premise here but to me its important to let the woman you are married to (preferably before hand) all aspects of who you are. That includes mundane things like being left handed and more significant things. I think CD'ing falls into the latter category. If they don't know up front and only find out later (years?) they start to wonder what else you've been hiding from them.

[Pat]

Because people. Some people react one way and some another. Some see your crossdressing which you've concealed from them as you being a liar, some see it as you being confused, some see it as a new bit of information like finding out that you like jazz.

Of course, sometimes you've primed the pump through unsolicited denials -- that's more of an active deceit and would result in more of an active response.

Like I say -- people. People do odd things (like crossdress) and people react unpredictably. It's the vast panoply of human nature.

[Stephanie47]

This topic has been kicked around so many times on this forum so many times. The #1 response seems to be deceit or lieing by omission. As a male I cannot truly answer for any female, including my wife.

So far I haven't seen more than one response from a wife. I really do not buy into the answer of lieing by omission or deceit. If I was to sneak a smoke out in the barn and gargle before I re-enter the house would this by deceitful? Yes, if I thought or knew my wife objected to my love for smoking a cigarette. But, would my wife divorce me over smoking? For me, the question has always been "What really goes through the wife's mind over the revelation of the husband likes to wear women's clothing." I know there is gradations. I've read on this forum of women blowing up over her man's desire to wear a ladies panty or stockings, while other have hidden an immense wardrobe.

So, what's really on your mind?

In my case I have told my wife the truth as to why I like to wear women's clothing and emulate a woman sometimes. My answer is "I do not know..period!" And, for the male here, I think it is a bunch of bunk to tell your wife you do it because you like the fabric, the prints and colors, etc. Your wife is thinking, if not just outright saying, "Honey, that's a load of crap! If you don't have tits why are you wearing a bra?"

Please, some GG's, please chime in!

[RADER]

My wife knew of me dressing before we where married; She even saw me dressed on one
occasion. We did have some ground rules in place, like no going out dressed where it would
embarrass her. That was an easy request to comply with; I am way to big to look anything
FEM. in the best way.
My wife would pick out things in the catalog for me to get and wear. The Catalog was the only
place where I could find things that would fit me.
Rader

[TrishaLake]

I agree its the deception which women do not like. You go into marriage saying you will always tell the truth but we all know that is not exactly true. I will say a few things...one, it is doubtful most want to know, I am sure many would run for the hills if it was early int he relationship...and then two, I mean this in a funny way...when they do find the stuff, how could they possible think it is another women's? If you were cheating would you bring another women's clothes home? lol

[wendy]

in my situation, my wife supports my CDing, but it is the fact that I didn't say anything during our relationship about it that she does not like. As many has mentioned, it is the deception or "lie", basically going behind someone's back in a committed relationship that my wife does not like.

[Starshine24]

I knew my wife for almost two years before we finally tied the knot. Then a year into it I told her. She felt deceived because in the three years I have known her she was never told. I guess I can relate it to this:
You buy a car and the salesman says its a fine running car. You agree to pay on it for five years and when you drive it off the lot it has a ticking noise you weren't told about.
I'm not saying CDing is a defect like the ticking noise, but I am saying this is something that the salesman (you) should've been upfront about. I wasn't with my wife and she felt deceived.

[Alaina R]

I'm pretty sure that the reason most of the guys that do not reveal before marriage choose not to disclose because they fear it may be a deal breaker. I know some will deny that but why else would you hold it back? Think about it. How would you feel if your fiance/wife held back something about herself that might change your mind about marrying her? This is especially an issue if, upon reveal, it turns out that in fact the issue/crossdressing would have been a deal breaker but now you are already married, have a house, kids, etc. It's patently unfair and selfish to hold it back. This seems so obvious to me that I don't understand why this question gets asked so often.

[sometimes_miss]

It's because you knew that she wouldn't like it, so you intentionally didn't tell her. Because a big part of her being sexually attracted to you depended upon how masculine she determined you to be. Women rely on their BF/husband for protection and support. That means 'masculine' to them. They feel all nice and comfy and safe in the arms of a great, big, masculine man who they believe will protect them from any harm. Women are generally sexually turned off by any male who appears to be feminine, which, they feel, might compromise their safety and welfare in the future. Finding out that you 'might not' be the all masculine man she thought you were based on how you initially presented yourself to her, makes her feel vulnerable and betrayed, and then pissed off. Sure, it's all based on HER insecurities, but hey, unfortunately that's how life works. We don't get to decide how other people feel about us. We just have to live with it.

[Jenniferathome]

I'm pretty sure that the reason most of the guys that do not reveal before marriage choose not to disclose because they fear it may be a deal breaker. I know some will deny that but why else would you hold it back? ...

No. It's shame and humiliation. I'll add that based on my time here, the overwhelming consensus is that the typical cross dresser thinks they're "done" with it and marriage will end it.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi Jennifer...agreed. I really felt that getting married to a gorgeous woman, who was so feminine and dressed exactly like I wanted to dress myself, and to whom I was seriously attracted, would "cure" me. I stupidly thought that I could be satisfied living vicariously through her--she was so amazingly sexy and beautiful, and loved the clothes, heels, hose, etc., that I thought there was enough femininity for the two of us. Lots of fun shopping trips for her, with me guiding her selections...for 11 years it was enough. Then it wasn't.

[LelaK]

I was planning to get married last year, as my GF wanted to for a while and I was willing, before she decided to break up. I'm in search of a new GF now and I'm reluctant to mention CDing, because I honestly don't know that I'd be compelled to CD. I didn't feel compelled last year, as my GF didn't like it. My backup plan is to say it's an infrequent fetish, which as far as I know is true, more or less.

[Liz57]

To begin with for me it wasn't a big part of me at the time I got married. When I started dressing more I knew I liked it but still didn't understand why, and still don't. As far as I'm concerned, everybody keeps secrets. Everybody. Your wives too. Yes, they deceive us too. Does that make it right? No. It is what it is. Crossdressing is the kind of thing society frowns on to put it lightly so why should your spouse be so surprised you kept it secret. Hell, it's hard to admit it to yourself much less another person, especially one you don't want to think badly of you. Personally, I don't feel that I've been deceitful so much as embarrassed to tell. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Not trying to make excuses here but I assure you your wives are hiding things from you now and in the past as well. Probably most are not of the same magnitude as crossdressing but that's like haggling over the price of sex, if you're discussing price it's already determined what you are. You either a prostitute or you're not. Either you are deceitful or you're not. We're all human.

I guess it would be a lot easier getting through all of this if we could just explain why. But most of us can't.

Liz:battingeyelashes:

[Jenniferathome]

Liz, you ARE making excuses to justifying your deceit. You were embarrassed and you deceived. Man up. Own it. You are 100% to blame for your actions.

Our wives are not hiding anything remotely comparable to cross dressing. You can remove the "probably."

[Liz57]

First off, wake up if you think your wife is a perfect angel. She's human. There are things she keeps from you. I guess you and I differ on our definition of deceit. If you mean deceit by omission then ok but I have never lied to her about it. It's never come up. Until I joined here I saw no reason to tell. A lot of people would rather live happily not knowing things, she is that kind.

And for the record, I am not afraid to man up when it's called for. Anyone that knows me would tell you that.

Second of all, you make it sound as if crossdressing were something bad or shameful. When I joined this forum I learned it wasn't, it was society that was mixed up about the issue with stupid societal rules based on ignorance. It was not long after joining and finding out I'm not a sicko I came out to my wife. Not because I felt all along like I had been deceitful by not letting her know but because I realized it was ok to wear womens clothes and I didn't have to be ashamed. I felt I had the right to dress as I wanted and not hide it from her because there is nothing wrong with it and all I have to do is get her to understand that. I told her for my benefit, not out of shame for hiding it.

Liz

[Sheila11]

Nothing to do with deception.

My wife does not want me to wear women's clothes. PERIOD.
When I tried to introduce the concept to her decades ago, she simply said,

"I think it is disgusting, wrong, and you make an ugly woman".

End of story.

[Georgette_USA]

Not a "GG", but a Post MtF TS. Most men can't tell any different, men don't always look at what is under the hood, so to speak. That is a little inside joke that other women might get.

This is something my friends and I talk about. How far into a relationship does one tell of our background. Have a Wife of a friend, a MtF TS, she said NO reason to tell. Would that be my ONE "Deceit by Omission". Is that comparable to cross dressing.

I would admit upfront that I could not have children and not interested in having children. I would explain that I had female problems when young, and had surgery to fix that. I would admit that before him, I had relations with men, and with women. It would be obvious that not a "virgin". I would assume that he also had relations with others.

None of these are LIES. Would that be a big deal breaker before or after, if it was found out later. Hard to hide ALL past history. Never had my DD-214 separation from service papers changed.

I would not have a problem with a husband that cross dresses, but would feel deceived if it was not mentioned at some point, especially if it was a still an ongoing activity. When confronted with ONE deceit, how many others might there be. Many on here have kept this little secret for many years. Many say it is just a harmless "hobby" or have "shame and humiliation". Sure at time of marriage some operate under the delusion that they can stop. How many know someone that actually stopped forever.

I am not a woman that expects the man to be the big protector or man up or whatever. I believe a marriage can and should be a very shared experience.

[Shayna]

I think it goes beyond the initial deception. It's the nature of what they were deceived about. My wife married a man, so my dressing changes her perception of who she is with. Initially she said she was hurt by the fact that I didn't tell her, but soon it became obvious she didn't want to talk about it and wanted it to be DADT.

[Teresa]

Liz, ,
I agree with many of your points, as I said earlier, our partners do withhold things from us.

Coming to terms with CDing is hard, some partners just don't grasp that, for a start we don't understand why we do it , much of it is to do with denial , and man shouldn't do it so I'll try hard not to but it's just not that easy. Then you discover you were born like it and it's for life, coming to terms with another side of you and then trying to accept it before you can even to begin to get a partner to understand it.
DADT is very hard, it really shouldn't be happening, it suppresses a part of us and at times causes severe mental stress.
I would still like to be totally honest with my wife but it just won't happen, I feel guilty that I'm withholding it but the fact is she doesn't want to know.

[PaulaQ]

1. Because they were deceived - you should'a told 'em about a fundamental part of you. Hey, look, I know WHY you didn't tell - been there, done that. The stigma you fear is very real.
2. A lot of people don't think of themselves as people in any absolute sense - they see themselves only relative to others. So if you are suddenly perceived as more feminine, your spouse may feel lost - it can affect her identity. This is painful.
3. They fear you'll want "to become a woman." (Actually, they should fear that you are, and always have been, a woman.)
4. They often worry about your sexual orientation, mainly because they don't understand how separate your gender identity is from your sexual orientation.

[GaleWarning]

No matter how often I explain to my present partner that I cross-dress because I enjoy wearing women's clothes and have no desire to actually be or become a woman, she continues to believe that this must be my aim.

[MarinaSweden]

I understand completely why they feel decieved. As I think many have replied already, simply because they have been decieved.

The thing is for me anyway, in a marriage, there should be NO secrets from each other. I told my soon to be ex-wife when we met. Ok she didn't like it, I tried to quit, and brought it up last summer again. But she could never say I betrayed her, because I did tell her from the very beginning.

The most incredible thing is that I found out, by accident last friday, that she has been unfaithful to me over the last five years. My god life's a bummer. So I can tell you I feel decieved now.

[heatherdress]

To all those who think they know what every relationship is like and what the circumstances and personalities are - guess what - you don't. There are no absolutes. Truth and honesty are essential in successful relationships, but there are disclosures of past mistakes, or current fears and desires which may be much more damaging than the behavior itself.

Most crossdressing behavior most likely occurs in private, and alone. It is not immoral behavior. It is a need we are fulfilling. And many spouses would be deeply hurt and might never understand or recover from disclosure.

It is unfortunate that many spouses or girlfriends, who are told, or who discover, that their husbands or boyfriends are crossdressers feel hurt, deceived, angry or sad. Disclosure or discovery can destroy marriages and relationships. But since crossdressing is so misunderstood and since there is so much awareness today of transsexual and gender identity issues, confiding that you crossdress before starting a relationship is a red flag that will very likely terminate the relationship before it develops. And telling someone you crossdress without the minimum expectation of how she will react is very difficult to do effectively and sensitively. Unfortunately, when the confession or discovery is made later, even if very early in the relationship, there is already a degree of deception and hurt and anger that has taken place.

What we do, crossdressing, is simply difficult to understand, explain, disclose, accept and live with - for ourselves and those we love.

[Rhonda Jean]

She knew I crossdressed from the beginning. I wore girl's pants/jeans/shorts, panties, and girl's tops literally all the time. I had long hair in a rollers set style. I wore stacked platform heels whenever I wore pants or jeans. I had long fingernails. I wore clip on earrings. I shaved my legs. I played with makeup occasionally. We were teenagers. When we got married it did evolve a little. I started sleeping in a nighties of one style or another. I started wearing a bra a lot, other than work. I started wearing nail polish other than work, and clear at work. We were very young with menial jobs, the anonymity of a new city and the excitement of being on our own.

Our jobs got better and more important. We made friends together and independently. We bought a house and had neighbors as friends. Life changed, and although my dressing became more underground, there were elements that were always there. Long hair, shaved legs, and long nails, primarily. To a large degree, life changed and I didn't (enough).

What really changed, though, (in my opinion) is we learned a name for what I did. Rather than it being just the way I was, we learned that what I did made me a transvestite (considered deviant), a crossdresser, maybe even transsexual. I wasn't just a boyfriend/husband who looked like a girl. I was a thing. A psychologically know and identified deviant. Besides, I was an embarrassment. That go worse as time went on. Kids, bigger job, bigger house, uppity "friends". I looked less and less like the other husbands at the party. I wasn't growing out of it. I was growing into it.

So, I didn't disclose. I had no idea there was anything to disclose. It just never went away.

[Dinky39]

For me as a wife,it was the lies and deception. What else had he lied about?

[marlacd]

CDing doesn't sit well with women at all. For all of their claims of being understanding, forgiving, et'al, they really aren't. Have you ever noticed, (For those of you that are married) that they treat other men differently than they treat you? Watch them, it's like night and day. When I was married, mine had several gay men friends. Two were "flamers" and she thought they were the greatest thing since sliced bread. But she wasn't going home with them.

Most women see CDing as weakness in their men. We're supposed to be strong, protective, be the provider. We're supposed to be better than other men, because they chose us. They expect more out of us. We're supposed to be their rock. They look at it as being weak. For all their griping about wanting equality, they still want that strong man as a mate. They could care less about other men dressing up. They would rather we didn't.

[Jenniferathome]

I'm married My wife treats me EXACTLY the same before and after my reveal AND she treats other men no differently. You've stereotyped women pretty harshly. Have you considered the possibility that you are projecting your own bad experience on all women?

[Nashmau]

as a wife, he took away my choice... that is something i have a problem with.

[ReineD]

Not having been told the truth (when this applies) is a biggie. And it's not true (Liz57) that wives keep comparable secrets, unless a wife is supporting an out-of-wedlock child or is a call-girl on the side that the husband doesn't know about. This might be comparable.

Another biggie is the way that the wife perceives her husband prioritizes the CDing over her, not necessarily in the amount of time consecrated to CDing activities, but in the sheer elevated mood her husband experiences when he is involved in these activities. Wives wonder why their husbands don't feel this way when they spend time with their wives.

You mention wives not being womanly enough because they don't satisfy their husbands. Please believe me when I say that when a husband gets sexual kicks from the CDing, the wife still knows she is a woman and she still knows that she can satisfy another man. But, she is unhappy/sad/disgusted/annoyed/angry (pick the one you want) that her husband's sexual attention is focused elsewhere. Wouldn't a husband feel the same way if the situation were reversed.

Last, you mention a wife feeling undermined. I don't know what this means. Do you mean that she feels less feminine somehow, just because her husband dresses? No. A CDing husband does not take away a wife's basic femininity, especially if you consider that she has all the body parts, the voice, the estrogen, etc. If she wanted to dress the way her husband does, she would merely buy the clothes. Or do you mean she feels undermined because her husband is trying to take her place? Yes, hetero women do want their husbands to see them as the female side of the hetero equation and they can get annoyed if their husbands start seeing themselves as women too. A wife loves to see the spark in her husband's eye when he appreciates her as a woman and if the husband's eye begins to spark over his own femininity, the wife can potentially feel cheated ... the husband's alter-ego can potentially be seen as a rival for her husband's affections.

So based on the above four points, I propose that doing these five things would help tremendously:

1. Tell in the beginning.
2. Don't let your wife think that you enjoy the CDing above and beyond anything else, especially her.
3. Don't get a bigger sexual kick out of the CDing than you do with your wife.
4. Make sure that your wife knows that you appreciate her the way a man appreciates a woman.
5. Don't let her believe that you think you are hotter than her.

One last thing. The above obviously applies to CDers who don't want to come out to everybody, but there are other situations that would cause a wife to think it is too much, like Rhonda was saying. Although transsexuals do need to basically come out and live their lives 24/7 as women, if a GG believes she is married to a CDer she would not want him to come out to people. Very few people understand the concept of non-binary, so it's difficult in some circles (like the corporate world for example) to get people to accept someone who switches back and forth or is over-the-top feminine even in male mode. It has the potential to cause social issues in some circles.

And then there are the wives who object to it because they believe it is a sin or somehow morally deficient, even if their husbands don't do the things I mentioned above. I don't know if anything can be done to change deeply-held beliefs like that.



Most women see CDing as weakness in their men. We're supposed to be strong, protective, be the provider. We're supposed to be better than other men, because they chose us. They expect more out of us. We're supposed to be their rock. They look at it as being weak. For all their griping about wanting equality, they still want that strong man as a mate. They could care less about other men dressing up. They would rather we didn't.

Wanting equal pay and equal opportunities has nothing to do with who we are sexually attracted to. Wives don't care if other men dress because they're not married to them and they don't sleep with them. Hetero wives are attracted to men. A lot of women are turned off by lipstick, perfume, boobs, smooth legs, etc. Some of them can get over that if the couple adheres to boundaries, but not everyone can. As to wives expecting their husbands to be their rock, I suspect that in all marriages, each partner has strengths and weaknesses. The wife is the rock in some situations, and the husband is in others. When my ex lost his job many years ago, I was the rock and that was perfectly OK. When we thought that someone was breaking in once, he was the rock because he is physically bigger and stronger than me.

[Jenn A116]

Just wanted to thank ReineD for the very thoughtful post above. I had pretty much come to the same conclusions she lists and its always nice to see confirmation.

[Tina_gm]

They feel deceived because they were deceived. All the things that were 1st listed in the OP may be part of the feeling. They may not be. There may be many personal feelings involved with being deceived. Why we see many more wives and girlfriends who are OK with crossdressing when they were informed of it from the beginning is because they were never deceived about it. They grew into the relationship with it. They were never lied to about it. Or withheld things, which IMO is a form of lying, just my personal take. " honey how was work today?" "long, stressful"..... (and I took off two hours early and went to my secret stash of clothes and CD'd) which doesn't get told....

The lack of trust, the feelings of betrayal. She told us everything of importance about her, we withheld stuff. The I don't know the man I married feeling.... feeling as if they were trapped. Early on, they get to make a decision, do I want to start a life with a CDer. Now, they have to make a decision, do I end my entire life as I know it because of CDing? Granted, many don't, if it is just CDing, but they still feel robbed of being able to make a 100% informed decision and they would be correct in doing so.

Love conquers all- True, with the person you fall in love with. Until that person is no longer that person anymore. Which is why the comparison to our spouse suffering from some horrible injury, which either disfigures them, or maybe paralyses them is not an accurate one. No matter what happens to them, they are still "them." What happens though when the person you fell in love with one day tells you they are not the person you fell in love with??

Often times I think CDers just move to far too fast. They might be new to their own admission, maybe new to forums and read about this couple and that couple that go out, shopping etc etc.... And think, hey, this is done, it can be done, their wives accept it, why can't mine? There are so many variables. Did it take several years for that couple to get to that spot? did they start off with the CDing as part of the relationship? how long were they together before their partner knew? How deep does the CDer go with their gender variance? How was their partner raised? what type of beliefs do they have? Has there been much prior exposure to gender variance?

For me, the reasons why I am all about compromise are because 1. I lied and deceived my wife. 2. We had been together for 3 years before I told her. 3. It took me 30 years to come to accept myself. (she has 27 more and then I am expecting full acceptance lol) 4. She was raised strict christian conservative on a dairy farm for about half her childhood. 5. She had very limited exposure to gender variance before me. 6. because I can. I am able to live as a male.

From my discussions with my wife over the last 3 and a half years...... She has felt hurt and angry about being lied to. She has lost trust in me because I lied. She is unsure of who I really am, and since I withheld part of myself, is there still things I have withheld. She is turned off of the thought or the sight of me as a woman. She has seen it once totally, and has thought about it as a consideration of a what if. She has felt and to a degree still feels uncertain over how far it will one day go. I suppressed it all for so long. something made me no longer do so. Is it increasing/progressing? am I still suppressing this to myself? She fell in love with someone, now there are changes in that someone. She fears she may lose that person altogether.

She has not had all of those feelings all at one time. And, most of them are not as strong as they once were. But, those were the feelings my wife has communicated to me since my reveal.

[Barbara Jo]

The short answer is......
A woman thought she was marrying the kind of man she likes.. one who is all masculine.
Yes, he may be caring, etc, but masculine none the less.

The she she finds out she was deceived about that and her husband likes to wear bra, panties and other female clothes .
Her world is now in disarray.

[lisa_vin]

She felt deceived because I kept a very important part of me a secret from her for over 25 years. Including 5 years of dating, we've been together now for over 43 years. I ACTUALLY foolishly thought that once I got married the cd'ing would be "cured" or magically go away. Nothing could have been further from the truth! When she "found out", she was shattered.......she felt utterly betrayed and lied to. The trust between us was shattered and, to this day, has still not been completely rebuilt. I never gave her the opportunity to accept or reject me as I truly was, cd'ing and all. She felt like those years of our life together before she found out about it were wasted or stolen from her as she may have been able to find true happiness with a "real" man! She told me numerous times that if she knew I was a crossdresser before we were to be married, she would NEVER have married me. After a most unpleasant couple years of ugliness and strife, near divorce and numerous, long psychiatrist/psychologist therapy sessions (she thought and demanded that I could be "cured"), she stayed with me and only grudgingly learned to accept it with the help of the therapists. We are now on a strictly DADT basis which is the best I could have hoped for.

Be completely honest with her and let the chips fall where they may. Don't let years pass by being all secretive because when (not IF) she finds out, be prepared for all hell to break loose and your lives to be turned upside down. Many relationships never recover or even survive for that matter! If I could go back and do it RIGHT, I would.......no matter the consequences, because I truly love her! The critic here would say "If you loved her so much, why didn't you tell her before you were married? Because, I knew what the answer would be and I didn't want to lose her! I WAS SELFISH!

[Amy_blueyes]

lisa_vin


This sounds exactly what happen to me and way my wife felt.

[Mykaa]

3 years with someone Lisa and I got caught, 6 1/2 years of my life with her and 2 kids, with another 7 wasted after she left, yes If I get another chance, Im going to be upfront. Hopefully with my own acceptance and am done denying myself and with the knowledge Ive gotten from here and my own experiences I can get another chance to do it right.

[nikkiwindsor]

After dating for a while and realizing that I was truly in love with my girlfriend (future wife), I opened up and shared with her that I liked to dress up as a woman. She really didn't understand it and at the time I really didn't understand it as well. But, she loved me unconditionally and we've been married for a long time. For many years, she didn't allow me to dress and then she came out of the blue several years ago and said I could dress up. She perceptively realized that I was rather miserable and not content and this was likely due to bottling up my femininity and not expressing it. She was correct. Since allowing me to dress, I've felt so much better, so much more comfortable and content with who I am and our relationship is now closer and stronger than ever. Nikki p.s. for us, our relationship is really one of love, sacrifice and accepting each other for who we truly are. My wife is simply wonderful and I don't take her for granted...not one minute!

[Angie G]

My wife never felt thay way even after years of not knowing. And even helps and if she sees something she thinks I'll like she will but it for me skirts dresses whatever.:hugs:
Angie

[sometimes_miss]

Not having been told the truth (when this applies) is a biggie. And it's not true (Liz57) that wives keep comparable secrets, unless a wife is supporting an out-of-wedlock child or is a call-girl on the side that the husband doesn't know about. This might be comparable.


Again, we get the issue of who gets to make the determination of what's comparable. The person who is not being told something is the only one who counts when making that judgement. So to say that someone elses secret is not comparable to your own, is not a valid evaluation. I suppose that to you, Reine, hiding the fact that a man is a crossdresser is tantamount to the worst thing he could hide, equaled only by sexual infidelity. But there are plenty of other things that a person may also consider 'comparable' in importance that they should have been told before continuing a relationship. Only each person can decide for themselves what is important, and how important that is. Where we run into problems, as you did with the above statement, is when we misinterpret how our potential mate might feel about any particular fact. For example, I consider mental illness an important thing to mention. So yeah, I could easily consider my ex's being hospitalized for major depression, and not telling me about it, also a lie of omission. Other men might consider other things lies of omission. And we know that some women like to think that some sexual encounters 'don't count' so they carefully avoid any mention of it to their prospective male mates, mostly because they KNOW that he might be upset about it. So it's all back to the same thing. What do we tell, and what do we not tell. And why. And I feel women are just as often guilty of 'lies of omission' as men are.

[ashley_addams76]

Being lied to is huge. If you have lied about what your feelings or orientation is, what else are you willing to lie about and how far are you willing to go? If you have betrayed trust, it is awfully hard to earn it back. Plus this isn't your run of the mill lie where you went out and bought something that your wife was pissed about. You are portraying yourself in a manner that many in society do not approve of and also could reflect poorly on your significant other. You are burdening her with something that could embarrass her socially and professionally. So coming forward has its consequences and while it may be liberating for us to do so, it also then burdens and puts stress on our wives to live with that. Its why, I have yet to say or do anything that could put any more stress in our lives as our lives have all the stress we need with her job and its pitfalls and our family life, which is also complicated. So adding something like being a crossdresser, would not make her want to go out and celebrate or keep my trust at a level where it would be coming out.

[Tina_gm]

If we consider that we haven't lied because we never answered a direct question NO to are you a crossdresser or are you trans, and that is the only way to deceive, then we can ask the question why do wives "feel" they were deceived. But, the word, deceive, deception, is not just about an actual lie. It can be. But deceiving or causing deception can be done without the direct straight up lie. Magicians pretty much make a living on it. What you see, and what they are actually doing are two different things. They create diversions, they create illusions. We who do not reveal are basically doing just that. Even though we can say technically we never lied about it, which if you think hard about it, I am sure somewhere along the line before or if you haven't yet revealed, you probably did tell a lie, somewhere due to CDing. If not, congratulations on your powers of deception without ever actually speaking a lie.

So, the question is fairly obvious, because they were. Now, we should go deeper and think about how they react to the deception, and what the impacts are of the deception.

[Judy-Somthing]

I tried telling my wife at least four times in our 36 years of marriage but she always bushed me deeper into the closet and would shut down and not want to talk about it.

[heatherdress]

[QUOTE=ReineD;3936898]Not having been told the truth (when this applies) is a biggie. And it's not true (Liz57) that wives keep comparable secrets, unless a wife is supporting an out-of-wedlock child or is a call-girl on the side that the husband doesn't know about. This might be comparable.QUOTE]

Reine - Adultery is the probably the biggest and most frequent secret and lie a wife keeps from her husband. Statistics of women who admit affairs run from 15% to 50%. And unfortunately, infidelity of husbands runs even higher - 20% to 50%. Other secrets may include past loves and boyfriends, incidents of sexual assault or abuse, family problems, past health issues and past financial problems, many of which eventually surface. Some of these are also secrets kept by men. There may be a lot more secrets kept in relationships, and particularly in remarriages, than we would like to think.

[ReineD]

Reine - Adultery is the probably the biggest and most frequent secret and lie a wife keeps from her husband.

Yes. This is true. Adultery is likely the biggest secret that wives AND husbands keep from their spouses.

[sometimes_miss]

Yes. This is true. Adultery is likely the biggest secret that wives AND husbands keep from their spouses.
Nope. It's hiding money, or debts, or some other financial issue. #1 reason for marital problems. A really big one? Bankruptcy before the other person came into your life. That one virtually NEVER comes out until after the marriage.

[ReineD]

Nope. It's hiding money, or debts, or some other financial issue. #1 reason for marital problems.

Yes, of course we can disseminate all the reasons that people get divorced: when ONE partner lies about finances, or affairs, or anything else that causes divorce. That's why there's a divorce! The other partner was lied to, which means that at least one partner in the relationship was not lying.

But if you go back and look at the post that started this facet of the discussion, it's a stretch to use the argument that people get divorced for reasons of having hidden affairs and financial issues, in defense of a CDer who justifies not telling a wife on the assumption that she is also hiding things of the same magnitude, like debt or having affairs. This is pure rationalization.

[Virginia1983]

Because they have been deceived.

- - - Updated - - -

"This is pure rationalization."

Lie about being a CD, or gay, or whatever - won't ever end well. If you cannot accept yourself for what and who you are why would you think an innocent outsider would? Completely delusional and on the DSMV spectrum.