How to react to the "compliment"?

[Sarah Doepner]

We all like to receive compliments on the effort we put into our presentation. I got one last night as I was leaving a restaurant with two other Trans girls and one wife. I didn't blush, but did say thank you and kept moving as we were blocking the path. Later when we stopped for an after dinner drink I checked and it turns out the woman who was gushing over how great we looked didn't compliment the cis-gender woman with us, but did say something to each of the rest of us. From my point of view the GG killed it and was the most attractive and appropriately dressed one in our group. So we have the situation of being praised, but also being picked out as Trans.

So how would you respond if you were in this situation and saw the praise was only directed at the T-girls? Is it best to say thanks and be happy they weren't carrying a pitchfork and torch or try to educated them or just let it go for a totally different time and place?

[Martha G]

I would say a polite thank you trying to be lady liked and low voiced as possible and let it go. I do have close to a woman's voice.

[Allisa]

A simple Thank-You so much with a big smile and off you go.

[bridget thronton]

Allisa is right - thank you with a smile

[docrobbysherry]

I'm like u. I'm thrilled when someone even says, "Can I help u, sir? Err-- maam." But, I have actually passed a few times on or around Halloween, Sarah.

People treat u so differently when they just assume you're female without thinking!:eek:

[Mollyanne]

A smile and a "thank you" does wonders.

Molly

[Jenniferathome]

Sarah, I have not heard one woman complimenting another on "how they look." Commentary on an article of clothing, jewelry or new hair style is very common, but "You look great," I have never heard.

I suspect the more generalized compliment aimed at a cross dresser is, in part, to recognize the effort we make and the challenge we face.

[PattyT]

A simple, "Thank you," with a smile will do.

[Lori Kurtz]

It sounds like you're a bit uncertain how to react, because you think maybe the person has figured out what you hoped might remain secret. I'd suggest that you not focus on whether you've been read or not, but rather on the intentions of the person. If you sense that the person was intending to be mean or insulting, then go ahead and be hurt. But if you think the person was trying to be nice, why not take the compliment in the spirit in which it was intended, even if it might have been a bit clumsy and thoughtless?

[Sheila11]

Sarah, I have not heard one woman complimenting another on "how they look." Commentary on an article of clothing, jewelry or new hair style is very common, but "You look great," I have never heard. I suspect the more generalized compliment aimed at a cross dresser is, in part, to recognize the effort we make and the challenge we face.

I totally agree. In light of this, when I am complimented I smile and say thank you, knowing that the individual knows I am a guy in woman's clothing. If it is a SA I assume they are selling. If it is anyone else I take it as a form of acceptance.

[Georgette_USA]

I never know how to respond to compliments.

When young I learned how to react to criticisms, but can't always feel if a compliment is real or just niceties. Women compliment each other all the time. How many compliments here are truly such, or mainly just confidence boosters to others. Most people have egos that like to be enforced. I lost all my ego and have become very negative over time.

[Sarah Doepner]

As I said in my post, I smiled and said thank you. I'm the last person to not appreciate a rare and much welcome compliment. I'm sure the woman was being supportive, went out of her way to make us aware that she felt we were presenting ourselves well. And I doubt she felt she was doing the GG any disservice by not complimenting her. So it just comes down to me being slightly insecure and in denial believing I can blend well enough to be wallpaper in a busy place. That ain't going to happen and I just need to get over that illusion and refocus on being positive with those people who actually do support us, they need the compliments more than me.

[Beverley Sims]

Like everyone else,just say thank you and let it go.

There's always next time. :-)

[Kayla_K]

I agree... a Thank You and a smile. Although last Friday I was out with a GG friend at a club and a GG at the bar struck up a conversation with us. At one point she said "you ladies look fabulous" I couldn't help but smile!

[Krisi]

I would say thank you" but I would be hurt because it means I was read as a crossdresser. "Move it bitch." would make my day.

[Michelle (Oz)]

I suspect the more generalized compliment aimed at a cross dresser is, in part, to recognize the effort we make and the challenge we face.

I share Jenn's view. I'm not concerned about (in fact expect) being recognised as a male so I take comments/compliments as a very special way of reaching out to encourage me. That's sweet and I say so thanking them for taking the trouble to say something. Everyone's a winner. It is also useful when that happens to cross reference with what I'm wearing.

Mind you I have had a few men be complimentary and that has been a little uncomfortable.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sarah :hugs: , I would take any compliment with a gracious Thank You.

I occasionally will get a compliment about my finger nails or my earrings
when En-drab I always respond with a thank you...:daydreaming:...

[Jenny Doolittle]

Always take a compliment at face value and say "Thank you"

[Georgette_USA]

Had my oil change done today at dealer. Test drive a new mustang. Got into a great chat with the gals in the payment office, after she complimented on my clutch purse vs a large purse.

Love when I have the time to chat with other women, makes one feel so alive and happy.

[Melissa Rose]

...I have not heard one woman complimenting another on "how they look." Commentary on an article of clothing, jewelry or new hair style is very common, but "You look great," I have never heard.
My experience has been different. While less common than a compliment about an article of clothing, I have heard and experienced compliments on how someone looks. For the past 4 years, I have worked in two office environments where it is nearly all women and the dress code is well above business casual. I have heard more than a few "You look great" or "You look pretty" said to someone.

As for a recent personal experience, two days ago I wore a new dress to work and got 4 compliments within the first hour, but they were about the dress. However, later when I went to the college where I teach, a female student, who I am acquainted with but who is not in one of my classes, said "Pretty dress" then followed it with "But you always look lovely". A few minutes later, I walk by her again and she says "You look beautiful". Of course it made my day. A male student in my class commented in front of others about my pretty dress. Now that is very unusual. It is a pretty dress though.

Sarah, I would take the compliment as a compliment and not read too much into it. As other have said, replying with a thank you and a smile is fine. You do not know what was in the mind and heart of the person so take it in the most positive light instead of spoiling it by added something that may not be there.

[ReineD]

I would say thank you" but I would be hurt because it means I was read as a crossdresser. "Move it bitch." would make my day.

Krisi, you're blaming the GG for having read Sarah and her friends? Or are you upset because she was doing her best to show support. Maybe she should not have shown any support at all and instead kept quiet?

Sarah .. is this what is bothering you as well? Would you rather this GG had said nothing at all? I'm asking because I tell my CD/TG friends they look great too in an attempt to support them, but maybe I should stop doing this. Although it is not my intent, is it coming off as being patronizing? What's your advice.

[Ressie]

Compiments would only seem patronizing if they aren't really meant. An honest compliment is always welcome IMO.

[Krisi]

Krisi, you're blaming the GG for having read Sarah and her friends? Or are you upset because she was doing her best to show support. Maybe she should not have shown any support at all and instead kept quiet?

I meant exactly what I posted. Nothing more, nothing less.


I would be hurt because it means I was read as a crossdresser. "Move it bitch." would make my day.

[Georgette_USA]

I get a variety of compliments from "GG"s all the time, on clothes or accessories or my style of dress. I try to actually chat about what has been said. To see if honest or not. I am terrible at giving or replying with compliments.
I do wish my TG/TS friends would do more than compliment but give some criticisms, as I know I am not perfect/great/gorgeous/pretty or just so much a regular woman at times.
From men I always take what is said with a grain of salt, especially in clubs and such.


I'm asking because I tell my CD/TG friends they look great too in an attempt to support them, but maybe I should stop doing this. Although it is not my intent, is it coming off as being patronizing? What's your advice.


I tend to do this also. But do try to not do this JUST for the support. I try to give an honest compliment. Don't give criticism as my tastes are not the same for others.
With CDs they will look just odd at times, but they are not always trying to just look like a "GG". As many on here they have an image in their mind of what a woman should be or look like.
With the TG/TS I will give an honest opinion as they are trying to look like a "GG".
Since all know my background, I don't want to come across as a know-it-all or patronizing.

Mother always said if you can't say something nice, don't say it at all.

[ReineD]

I meant exactly what I posted. Nothing more, nothing less.

OK, then I assume that by calling her a bitch, you do blame her for reading Sarah so in this case it might have been best for her to not let on and not say anything, even if what she said was nice.

It makes me rethink the compliments I give to TGs/CDs. I'm not writing this to be mean, I'm simply trying to look at it from your perspective and if, when I say "you look great", it is having a negative effect, then I don't want to say it.

[Jenniferathome]

Reine, I have been complimented on a few occasions and while I think the compliment was genuine, it has a vibe of, "You look lovey (for a dude in a dress)." Now, I do not think for a minute, that another woman thinks I am a genetic woman so my bubble is not bursting. A compliment is good to receive. I AM a dude in a dress but they are still saying I look nice which includes how I am presenting, outfit, accessories, etc. In other words, I am not Ru Paul and I am not presenting unflatteringly.

Keep on giving compliments if they are genuine.

[Sarah Doepner]

Sarah .. is this what is bothering you as well? Would you rather this GG had said nothing at all? I'm asking because I tell my CD/TG friends they look great too in an attempt to support them, but maybe I should stop doing this. Although it is not my intent, is it coming off as being patronizing? What's your advice.

Reine,

I appreciated the compliment both as an appreciation of the effort I made to create a presentation that was appropriate to my age, size and situation, and as support for someone dressing in a gender non-conforming way. I don't believe she was being patronizing and there was nothing apparent other than acceptance and praise in the compliments she gave me or the other two trans girls with me at the time. It was just interesting, but not objectionable, that she didn't make any effort to engage the GG with us. I'm guessing her focus on the trans people in her world kind of blotted out everyone else at the time and that's understandable, we are still a bit of a surprise when we show up in Salt Lake City.

I would have preferred to have blended and not been read, but that becomes more and more difficult when there are more than one crossdressed person in the area and the relatively confined quarters we were in at the time. Being read is nearly a given with my size, build and features, so I'd prefer to be met with acceptance and compliments any day over the sort of abuse we are seeing in some places around the country these days. Continue to offer the kind of support you have provided in the past, it is noticed not just by the crossdresser but by others and sets a fine example for how they can behave.

[ReineD]

OK, thanks Sarah & Jenn ... if you do not get upset when GGs single you out with compliments, then I suppose it's safe to continue to give them.

I was wondering if complimenting a CD's appearance specifically (while ignoring the GGs present) might be looked upon with misapprehension. There was a similar thread awhile back in the TS section .. the OP was upset that a GG had made a similar comment about her, "Oh, she looks so great and content", as if implying like you say Jenn, (... for someone who has transitioned). It's the fact that the difference between a genetic female and a non-genetic female was noticed and commented on that bothered her, even though the comment was positive.

So these two threads together made me rethink how I approach this situation. Thanks again.

[Krisi]

OK, then I assume that by calling her a bitch, you do blame her for reading Sarah so in this case it might have been best for her to not let on and not say anything, even if what she said was nice.

It makes me rethink the compliments I give to TGs/CDs. I'm not writing this to be mean, I'm simply trying to look at it from your perspective and if, when I say "you look great", it is having a negative effect, then I don't want to say it.

Jeesh! I did not call anyone a "bitch". Read my post again, slowly. Try to read it without putting any hidden meaning into it.

And yes, if you give a crossdresser a compliment because you think they look good as a crossdresser, you are letting them know that they don't pass, no matter how nice the compliment is. If you wouldn't say it to a woman, you shouldn't say it to a crossdresser. The exception would be if you know the person personally.

I think we want to be treated as just another woman on the street, in the mall, etc. I know I do.

[Lori Kurtz]

It makes me rethink the compliments I give to TGs/CDs. I'm not writing this to be mean, I'm simply trying to look at it from your perspective and if, when I say "you look great", it is having a negative effect, then I don't want to say it.

Reine, please don't stop giving compliments in this forum. Nobody who is here will be hurt by having you recognize him/her as a crossdresser or TS. It is clear when commenters here say something along the lines of "You look great," that the intention is to be kind and encouraging. What happens out in public might be different, but here in this place where a lot of us come with bruised spirits and wounded souls, we seek encouragement and healing. Your comments are always a positive contribution. You look great, by the way--for a GG.

[Jenniferathome]

Reine, I wanted to add one more comment. I just walked in to my local wine bar and the owner, a woman, recognizes me (how can she not) and says, "Don't you look cute!" It was well intended and equally well received. She didn't have to do that. If some cross dresser is living In fantasy land and thinks a compliment equates to clocking them, they are way off base. They got "clocked" long before the compliment. Again, if it's genuine, keep offering.

Take care,

[JayeLefaye]

.... So we have the situation of being praised, but also being picked out as Trans.

So how would you respond if you were in this situation and saw the praise was only directed at the T-girls? Is it best to say thanks and be happy they weren't carrying a pitchfork and torch or try to educated them or just let it go for a totally different time and place?

Hi, Sarah.

I, myself, would take it that you had just met a human being who was "aware", and knew exactly the right thing to say!! I, personally, would set aside the fact that I had been "clocked"...It happens all the time:-)...And sometimes not at all:-)))), depending on how long I have spent in a specific restaurant(or establishment).....

My guess, and it is only a guess due to past experiences in my own life, is that the "complimenter" has a "T' somewhere in their life...Because in your specific situation that night, while leaving an establishment that was very busy, the "complimenter" only had time for a brief word or two, and she gave it her heartfelt best to let ya'll know that you were doing great!!!!!!

If I were you, and the other gals, I would definitely go back their again!!!!

Jaye

P.S...Because I don't want to "double post" and have our great MODS have to "merge" my two comments....I REALLY am a neophyte when it comes to how to "Post" properly,

I tried to cut & paste one of Reine's comments from earlier here as a P.S...


OK, thanks Sarah & Jenn ... if you do not get upset when GGs single you out with compliments, then I suppose it's safe to continue to give them....


Yes, indeedy, Reine...Please continue your instincts to give out a compliment any chance you can in "real life" situations! For every 1 CD it upsets, there will be 237 other CD's whose day you have just made!!!!

Jaye

[Taylor186]

As a crossdresser I am grateful for any compliment from a GG. I take it as recognition of the effort I've made because no matter how good I might think I look I don't pass, ever.

[JayeLefaye]

You and me both, Taylor:-)

Jaye

[JaytoJillian]

Personally, when out en femme, I operate under the assumption that everyone knows the deal. My goal is not to "pass"--whatever the heck that means. My goal is to first be happy with the image I see in the mirror. I am a pretty tough critic (of myself), so, if I'm willing to go out as Jill, odds are I am feeling fairly confident in how things have come together. Compliments at that point are just the icing on the cake, but they are always appreciated.

[JayeLefaye]

Reine....You look great, by the way--for a GG.

:-))))), Well said, Lori!!!!~!~!~!:-)

Aren't compliments nice? They don't cost us anything to say, and just might bring a smile:-)

Hi JaytoJillian:-)

"Compliments at that point are just the icing on the cake, but they are always appreciated."

I agree:-)

Jaye

[ReineD]

Aww, shucks. But, I took my avatar pic when I first joined 9 years ago. I look a lot older now. :p

Getting back to the discussion, my compliments are always genuine. I think it takes more of an effort for the average CDer to put together a feminine appearance than it takes a GG (we already have a head start), and so this is what I recognize when I give compliments. And if I don't think the CDer (or a GG) sitting across from me looks nice, I don't say anything.

But, when I think of all the people I know, I don't classify them into "male", "female", "CD", or "TS" boxes. My classification boxes mix up all genders, and the people I know are categorized into one or more boxes: "good friend", "coworker", "someone I'd like to know better", "acquaintance", "people I have fun with", "family member", and dozens of other boxes I file people in.

[JayeLefaye]

Aww, shucks. But, I took my avatar pic when I first joined 9 years ago. I look a lot older now. :p



"I look lot older now"....Don't we all???...:-)

“Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.”...Mark Twain:tongueout

Mea culpa for side-tracking.... Back to the discussion now:-)

Jaye

[Michelle (Oz)]

... my compliments are always genuine. I think it takes more of an effort for the average CDer to put together a feminine appearance than it takes a GG (we already have a head start), and so this is what I recognize when I give compliments. And if I don't think the CDer (or a GG) sitting across from me looks nice, I don't say anything.

Shopping at Costco on Friday which I do regularly, several female staff made some lovely compliments on my dress. I'm sure they were genuine but frankly a white lie is always appreciated too :batting eyelashes: Always walk out of Costco feeling great ... sometimes with a near empty trolley :)

[Krisi]

...... My goal is not to "pass"--whatever the heck that means. ...........

I'll tell you what it means to me and what I think it means to many other crossdressers.

"Passing" means that other people who happen to see you think they have seen a woman, not a man in a dress. Obviously, passing is more difficult or improbable for some of us than for others. If you're built like Hulk Hogan, you won't pass at 100 feet. Those of us who are smaller have a better chance of being able to pass.

If you're walking through the mall in six inch heels, a mini skirt and way too much makeup, you won't pass to most people. If you have size DDD breasts and no hips, you're not likely to pass.

So, my goal is to be able to walk through the mall, walk down the street in the business or tourist section of town, walk or sit in the park, put gas in my vehicle, etc. without getting cat calls, without people laughing or giving me dirty looks and without guys blowing their horns at me. When none of these things happen to me, in my mind, I have passed.